I've ended a 8 year affair but it's killing me

[Gebidozo]

13 minutes ago, Gina101 said:

I can’t leave as I love my husband

You don’t cheat on someone you love. Especially not for 8 (!) years.

 

14 minutes ago, Gina101 said:

cheating and love affairs are not the same in the slightest.

Are you serious?.. 

It’s like saying that thievery and stealing aren’t the same. Or murder and killing aren’t the same.

16 minutes ago, Gina101 said:

I have never “cheated” on a spear of the moment thing

But you still cheated. Why are you putting that word into quotation marks? What does “spear of the moment” have to do with cheating?

If anything, planned, deliberate, long-term cheating is much more reprehensible than a spear of the moment thing. A pre-meditated murder is judged more severely than an unplanned one, and with a good reason.

20 minutes ago, Gina101 said:

It feels almost like when you have two children, but someone saying you should only love and pick one. 

Romantic relationships are nothing like having children. I can’t believe you’re making this very childish comparison.

You keep saying that you understand that your husband is a victim, that you realize you were wrong, but at the same time you are being stubbornly defensive, searching for justifications, and unwilling to call your action by its proper name. What are you trying to achieve, exactly?

[Gina101]

16 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

It’s like saying that thievery and stealing aren’t the same. Or murder and killing aren’t the same.

Thieving and stealing are the same yes. Having a sexual affair and f***ing someone on a night out is the same physical action…. 
 

but is stealing to feed your children the same as stealing to fund a drug habit. 
 

is having sex through a love affair the same as going out and meeting some random in a bar and having sex for the sake of it. 
 

Me and you have both cheated, but for very different reasons clearly. The fact you state u was in and out of relationships, cheating, leaving to be with the one you cheated on to then repeat with other people just proves you are the one who’s incapable of love and respect. The fact I can hold on to both men for many years proves to me I’m worthy of much more. I appreciate your views, and I know I have done wrong regarding my husband,  but like I have stated he is aware, though he doesn’t want ot brought to his attention. Not all relationships are text book perfect, we have flaws like every other. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Gina101 said:

i understand you have cheated, but cheating and love affairs are not the same in the slightest. I have never “cheated” on a spear of the moment thing, I have never so much as looked at another man.

This is a justification - you’ve separated the two in your mind to justify the “love affair” and absolve some guilt. The fact is - you have cheated - for eight years, you have cheated on your husband. It may not have been a spur of the moment thing - maybe it’s worse, because it was a conscious decision for eight years to deceive and betray your husband. 

And no, you may not have so much as looked at another man - besides the two with whom you were in a relationship. I’m sorry, but really? This is a really poor justification or defence - I’m sorry, but you need to get real with yourself…
 

8 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I’m not at all sure that your husband’s behavior is necessarily an indicator of deep love. He simply doesn’t respect himself enough to break up with someone who has no respect for him.

This is the truth. He may in fact “love” you see dearly, but the relationship as you have described it sounds more codependent than anything else. The fact that he doesn’t have the self respect to leave his wife when she has betrayed him very badly is a real problem for him.

You speak of love like it’s a noun - “I love my husband and I love my affair partner.” To me, love is an action - disrespecting and betraying one’s partner in this way is not my definition of “love.” 

Edited May 27 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Gina101 said:

The fact I can hold on to both men for many years proves to me I’m worthy of much more.

Oh my…  there is some serious mental gymnastics happening here to justify this affair. 
 

4 hours ago, Gina101 said:

regarding my husband,  but like I have stated he is aware, though he doesn’t want to brought to his attention.

That is an assumption that you are making, not proven because you’ve never had the discussion with him. Yet, you are clearly using this as “permission,” to absolve whatever guilt you feel. It’s still an assumption. 
 

4 hours ago, Gina101 said:

Not all relationships are text book perfect, we have flaws like every other. 

Indeed - every relationship has flaws. But then, there is “I am in love with another man and we have carried on a secret love affair for half my marriage…” That’s not a flaw… that is a betrayal unlike many others… Not very many people have made the decision to conduct another relationship in secret from their spouse for this length of time.

Edited May 27 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

If I may make a suggestion, research the “split self affair.” It’s not entirely typical, on that this affair started earlier in life and your marriage is not loveless… but it is similar to what’s happening here… down to the fact that the betrayed spouse often accepts the affair (at least subconsciously) and is unlikely to divorce. You have been carrying on another relationship, almost a second life with your affair partner - you have the photos and videos to document it.

Still thinking about this, I could probably forgive a spur of the moment affair if my spouse came to me and apologized, full of remorse and ready to make amends. I don’t believe that I could forgive an eight year affair if my spouse was in love with their affair partner - I don’t think I would even try. That, is a much worse betrayal. Much harder to heal the relationship and much harder to forgive. 

Edited May 27 by BaileyB

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, Gina101 said:

is having sex through a love affair the same as going out and meeting some random in a bar and having sex for the sake of it

Why don’t you ask the husband what he’d prefer: you f***ing a random bar dude once or conducting an eight years long romantic relationship while having feelings for the other guy?

Both are cheating, both are terrible actions, but if I had to choose between the two evils, I’d rather have a stupid, meaningless stab in the heart done to me one time, than have my heart slowly ground to flour as it witnesses a woman I love sleeping with and loving another man while disrespecting me so deeply that she wouldn’t even tell me about that and give me a fair chance to be free of her.

7 hours ago, Gina101 said:

Me and you have both cheated, but for very different reasons clearly. The fact you state u was in and out of relationships, cheating, leaving to be with the one you cheated on to then repeat with other people just proves you are the one who’s incapable of love and respect.

Really? You are the one badmouthing a stranger on the internet who is giving you free advice. You are being mean to me because your guilt is burning you from inside. You should deal with it instead of lashing out like this.

 

7 hours ago, Gina101 said:

The fact I can hold on to both men for many years proves to me I’m worthy of much more.

Oh, for the love of God, what utter tripe you just wrote. How deluded you must be to justify your cheating with inane babbling about “being worthy” of something because you’ve been “holding on to both men”. 

Cheaters are truly like drug addicts, in order to justify their behavior they’d defy logic, common sense, and the very basics of morality, while filling themselves with delusions of grandeur.

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Still thinking about this, I could probably forgive a spur of the moment affair if my spouse came to me and apologized, full of remorse and ready to make amends. I don’t believe that I could forgive an eight year affair if my spouse was in love with their affair partner - I don’t think I would even try. That, is a much worse betrayal. Much harder to heal the relationship and much harder to forgive. 

Absolutely. 

Any sane person will agree that a pre-meditated, calculated, prolonged, repeated, methodically executed crime that the perpetrator doesn’t even feel remorse about is the worst kind of crime.

Unfortunately, the OP will go as far as turning basic ethical principles upside down to pacify her troubled conscience.

[Gina101]

41 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Absolutely. 

Any sane person will agree that a pre-meditated, calculated, prolonged, repeated, methodically executed crime that the perpetrator doesn’t even feel remorse about is the worst kind of crime.

Unfortunately, the OP will go as far as turning basic ethical principles upside down to pacify her troubled conscience.

Sorry but you don’t know me, how I think or rationalise things. My original post states I know it’s wrong! And I purposely wrote that I don’t need opinions from people who have never ever been in my situation. They aren’t helpful to me, of course I know, feel and u understand basic knowledge of right and wrong but I’m not here to discus that. Hence why I’m briefly replying. And for the record, of course from the betrayed spouses would be more hurt it being a regular, relationship type, meaningful arrangement over some s*** sex with a stranger that meant nothing, do you really think I’m that stupid not to grasp that. Again, I was speaking from my point of view and my reasons for my actions “to me” and “not my husband,” it makes more sense that I done it for love over I risked my relationship for some thrill with a stranger. I struggle to understand why people comment when they have no knowledge of a situation, is impossible to comprehend, it’s like me giving advice on how to live on the moon! Absolutely no idea so my opinion would be useless, but of course I could sit and criticise people who have 🙄 

Edited May 27 by Gina101

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, Gina101 said:

I struggle to understand why people comment when they have no knowledge of a situation, is impossible to comprehend, it’s like me giving advice on how to live on the moon!

You can dismiss the opinions of those who have no engaged in a long term love affair as “irrelevant” if you want, it doesn’t mean that what we say is not true or valid. 

The fact that you are so quick to do so makes me think that you know there is an element of truth to what we are saying that you are not prepared to truly acknowledge or accept yet.

Again, I read your post and see justification after justification… it starts with “I know what I have done is wrong but…” 

Edited May 27 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

13 minutes ago, Gina101 said:

I struggle to understand why people comment when they have no knowledge of a situation, is impossible to comprehend, it’s like me giving advice on how to live on the moon!

I struggle to understand why people come here to unload their problems on people who have no knowledge of their situation except what is written by the poster, yet expect them to give advice that pleases them.

[Gina101]

14 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You can dismiss the opinions of those who have no engaged in a long term love affair as “irrelevant” if you want, it doesn’t mean that what we say is not true or valid. 

The fact that you are so quick to do so makes me think that you know there is an element of truth to what we are saying that you are not prepared to truly acknowledge or accept yet.

Again, I read your post and see justification after justification… it starts with “I know what I have done is wrong but…” 

I appreciate the comments, but like I have stated over and over I’m not looking to get battered by people telling me I’m such a horrid person and how what I done was so wrong, I’m aware, of course I am aware. Like I said coming here was a last resort, I originally looked into counselling which wasn’t affordable for me. I guess I will soon be logging off as telling me I don’t love this person, and I’m wrong for doing this and so on and so on is t helping my mental health right now, and it’s not something I’m unaware of which make it frustrating. I don’t believe anyone in an affair doesn’t understand the wrong they are doing and the hurt they are causing. Of course there are years worth of details I couldn’t possibly feel people in on here, but my ap was my first ever bf. I knew him years before my husband. I met him at 14 and fell in love with him fast, he was my best friend, I have never been as close, as comfortable and as soul connected as I have with him. At 18 we split for childish stupid reasons, and at 19 we both met new people and married the same year, we lost contact over the Intial years of the marriage, 6 years later we got back in contact. It was platonic, our spouses was aware of our friendship and it was a very very slow decent into where we have arrived. So days I’m confused if I’m really in love with him romantically or just deeply as a friend. So you see, both men have been part of my life for over half of it, my af partner even longer than my husband. So when I say I don’t and haven’t ever looked at anyone else other than the two stated I haven’t. Of course, after 8 years I’m going to have some justification on my behalf, becus 8 years is a long time, when I say it feels completely normal to live as I was I mean it, the shame fades and it just feels like everyday life. I know that’s not what people want to hear but it’s the truth. I know it’s wrong becus society and religion say so, but I don’t feel it wrong inside myself, being with him and going home to my partner feels right, and I have to tell myself that it’s wrong. I refuse to believe I’m such a bad person, there are child abusers, murderers ect ect and I am honestly just trying to live the only way I have found how. It must be very enjoyable to live such a perfect life, where you make perfect decisions and never get caught in life’s complexities. Fortunately I know the reality of life, I have been to hell and back, and nothing shocks me. I take life as it comes, one day at a time, becus very rarely does anyone have the perfect relationship. 
 

Edited May 27 by Gina101

[BaileyB]

 

33 minutes ago, Gina101 said:

I don’t believe anyone in an affair doesn’t understand the wrong they are doing and the hurt they are causing.

Perhaps, but there is such a thing as “affair fog.” Read these boards - there are many posters who have ended their affair and done the work of self reflection who say that they have an entirely different perception when the affair fog lifts. Many say that they have and entirely new understanding and empathy for their spouse when they have had a little time and distance from their affair partner… 
 

33 minutes ago, Gina101 said:

I know it’s wrong because society and religion say so

I’m not worried about society or religion, I am worried about your husband. The basic premise for his marriage and his life is false. Like most men, he likely married you under the assumption that you would be faithful only to him. You have taken his ability to make decisions about his own life from him by keeping a fundamental truth from him - and that is not fair. Society and religion be damned, the hurt that you have caused your husband is “wrong.”
 

33 minutes ago, Gina101 said:

I don’t feel it wrong inside myself, being with him and going home to my partner feels right

It does because you’ve told yourself this story for a very long time… “He was my first boyfriend, we lost contact and reconnected - that means it was meant to be. It was simply platonic at first, I didn’t mean for this to happen but what can I do - I love both men. I believe that it’s possible to love two men and I am entitled to have both men - because I have loved them both almost my entire life. My husband must suspect - and he hasn’t left so he must have accepted it.” You feel entitled to have both relationships and you have justified this within yourself by telling yourself the same story you’ve shared here… he was my first love, I know it’s wrong but I just can’t help myself…

I would say that the fact that he was your first boyfriend does not in any way explain or begin to justify the decision to betray your husband in this way. Lots of women have warm and fuzzy feelings for their first boyfriends - most respect their husband enough to maintain a healthy boundary in their marriage. You haven’t done that, and I would kindly suggest that you need to ask yourself why…

 

Edited May 27 by BaileyB

[Gina101]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

 

Perhaps, but there is such a thing as “affair fog.” Read these boards - there are many posters who have ended their affair and done the work of self reflection who say that they have an entirely different perception when the affair fog lifts. Many say that they have and entirely new understanding and empathy for their spouse when they have had a little time and distance from their affair partner… 
 

I’m not worried about society or religion, I am worried about your husband. The basic premise for his marriage and his life is false. Like most men, he likely married you under the assumption that you would be faithful only to him. Society and religion be damned, the hurt that you have caused your husband is “wrong.”
 

It does because you’ve told yourself this story for a very long time… “He was my first boyfriend, we lost contact and reconnected - that means it was meant to be. It was simply platonic at first, I didn’t mean for this to happen but what can I do - I love both men. My husband must suspect - and he hasn’t left so he must have accepted it.” You feel entitled to have both relationships and you have justified this within yourself by telling yourself the same story you’ve shared here… he was my first love, I know it’s wrong but I just can’t help myself…

I would say that the fact that he was your first boyfriend does not in any way explain or begin to justify the decision to betray your husband in this way. Lots of women have warm and fuzzy feelings for their first boyfriends - most respect their husband enough to maintain a healthy boundary in their marriage. You haven’t done that, and I think you need to ask yourself why…

 

The fact he was my first love doesn’t justify the affair, of course in reality nothing does. But I’m just putting into prescriptive that I never went out my way to fall in love with anyone else, in fact the love was already there for him before I even met my husband. Like I said it’s complex, maybe your right about affair fog. I haven’t sustained away long enough for it to lift completely, the longest I’ve gone is right now, which is 8 weeks with 0 contact, my longest before that was 6 and believe me it feels like sooooo much longer. I wouldn’t say I feel more empathy towards my husband yet, but I feel more anxiety about the affair, I feel worried that the truth will come out, something I never felt during the affair itself, I almost felt a hit similar to getting high (not that I would know) whilst continuing with the ap. I guess time will tell. 

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, Gina101 said:

I feel more anxiety about the affair, I feel worried that the truth will come out, something I never felt during the affair itself

I would say that the affair fog kept you from feeling that anxiety. You feel more vulnerable and that is uncomfortable because you are no longer in the insulated bubble of the affair - 
 

12 minutes ago, Gina101 said:

I almost felt a hit similar to getting high (not that I would know) whilst continuing with the ap.

Affairs are addictive. People here say it is very much a high and the withdrawal is very difficult. I think what you are feeling is very normal, to be expected. 

 

12 minutes ago, Gina101 said:

But I’m just putting into prescriptive that I never went out my way to fall in love with anyone else, in fact the love was already there for him before I even met my husband.

I understand what you are saying I think you can understand my perspective as well,  it sounds very much like a “yeah, but.” I know it was wrong, but this is why I did it… I don’t know that “the story” you have created around this affair is helpful to you. I would suggest that you need to look a little more realistically - when you are able to do so. It’s not going to be comfortable, you have built a strong defence to the feelings of shame, guilt, and discomfort that you will feel when you truly begin to consider this affair from your husband’s perspective - not only your own. 
 

 

45 minutes ago, Gina101 said:

I’m not looking to get battered by people telling me I’m such a horrid person and how what I done was so wrong, I’m aware, of course I am aware. Like I said coming here was a last resort, I originally looked into counselling which wasn’t affordable for me.

Believe it or not, nobody wants to batter you here. This site can be a source of great support and enlightenment. People bristle when posters come here expecting validation, unwilling or unable to do the self reflection. There is less judgment here than you might expect - as hard to accept truths can be perceived as judgment when one is not ready to hear it just yet. Don’t leave - we don’t want that. Take a break if you like, take care of your mental health. But, when you are ready to have the hard discussions, you will find support here. 

Wishing you well. 

Edited May 27 by BaileyB

[FMW]

It's  cliche, but if you stick with your decision to stay away from your AP, in time it's very possible you will get over him completely.  I was very much in love, to the point of obsession, for still a year or so, following the end of a 3 year relationship with a married man.  It's what brought me to this forum.  

What led me to that relationship and what ended it was probably different in many aspects than your experience, so I won't pretend to understand exactly what you're going through.  But I can tell you that the sharp pain and moments of misery I went through disappeared little by little over time.  He died a few years ago, so that permanently closed the chance of ever interacting with him again.  But by that time, I was already past 99% of the pain.

I've been involved with someone who is free to be in a monogamous relationship now for almost 5 years, and my feelings for him are far beyond what I had before.  We share our lives together with friends and family and are free to make whatever plans for our future we want.  The other man is a now only a distant memory.

It's not going to be quick, but give yourself time to get past the current wave of emotion.  You can move past this, but you have to truly want to and commit to it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Gina101]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

I would say that the affair fog kept you from feeling that anxiety. You feel more vulnerable and that is uncomfortable because you are no longer in the insulated bubble of the affair - 
 

Affairs are addictive. People here say it is very much a high and the withdrawal is very difficult. I think what you are feeling is very normal, to be expected. 

 

I understand what you are saying I think you can understand my perspective as well,  it sounds very much like a “yeah, but.” I know it was wrong, but this is why I did it… I don’t know that “the story” you have created around this affair is helpful to you. I would suggest that you need to look a little more realistically - when you are able to do so. It’s not going to be comfortable, you have built a strong defence to the feelings of shame, guilt, and discomfort that you will feel when you truly begin to consider this affair from your husband’s perspective - not only your own. 
 

 

Believe it or not, nobody wants to batter you here. This site can be a source of great support and enlightenment. People bristle when posters come here expecting validation, unwilling or unable to do the self reflection. There is less judgment here than you might expect - as hard to accept truths can be perceived as judgment when one is not ready to hear it just yet. Don’t leave - we don’t want that. Take a break if you like, take care of your mental health. But, when you are ready to have the hard discussions, you will find support here. 

Wishing you well. 

I think the part I’m struggling with is carrying in as normal, when inside I’m falling to pieces. I walk around holding in a cry I just want to breakdown and let out, but I can’t. Unlike other breakups, where you can let your hair down, and cry to your friends, and open up to people around you, I can’t give in to any of that. Which of course is all self inflicted, and I deserve to hurt and feel like this, but it’s hard to put a smile on everyday and act like I’m not going through an emotional breakdown. 

[Gina101]

22 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Just stick with your decision. Perhaps try to shift your thinking from focusing on the AP to thinking about what’s missing in your marriage and the reasons you got involved in an affair. Do you have children? If not, what’s kept you in the marriage ? 

Good advice, my family are keeping me going. 
 

as for the reasons for the affair happening, I’m unsure myself. I often find myself asking the same question. My ap was my high school love, we got together at 14, I was pregnant by 15 but the baby didn’t survive, (although it was a tough time it brought us closer in a more mature way than other children about age.) we stayed together until 18 when we separated due to stupid silly childish reasons. We kept in contact regularly still and at 19 we both met our now husband and wife, and married the same year whilst we was both 20 ironically. We then lost contact over the initial years of marriage and went on to have children and engaged in our first adult relationships. We had 0 contact for 6 years, but he often crossed my mind, I would hope he was doing ok ect but I never missed him and felt complete without him. 
 

6 years into our marriages he returned, it was purely platonic and j was happy to hear from him. We agreed to keep in contact as friends (this was definitely my genuine intention, and I believe his 100% at the time too.) I look back to the year he retuned, and I was by far the worst year of my marriage. We was technically separated though still living together, we didn’t have sex and slept in separate bedrooms. We didn’t talk and wasn’t on any good terms, we argued a lot and o felt unloved and unappreciated. we had twins and another on the way, I was made redundant and my husband was laid off work from his self employment, financially we was struggling, and I regularly found my husband engaging with other woman online. I feel this encouraged me more to keep the friendship existent with my friend as he always made me feel the opposite. Again, it was platonic and more than anything he was just a shoulder to cry on. 
 

years later, me and my husband some how worked through the tough years. And he’s now an amazing husband, he would go to the end of the earth for me and I know he loves me unconditionally, but the friendship also turned romantic over the years with my friend and the past year more so than ever. So make of that how you perceive it becus I don’t truly understand either. 

[BaileyB]

11 minutes ago, Gina101 said:

it’s hard to put a smile on everyday and act like I’m not going through an emotional breakdown. 

I appreciate that. 

Unfortunately, you can’t talk to anyone - such is the nature of an illicit and secretive affair, it’s very isolating. 

I would say journal and get it out, but you wouldn’t want that to be discovered accidentally. Note, I’m not saying that you should necessarily keep this secret from your husband, but I think it would be very traumatic for him if the affair was discovered accidentally. 

Posting here is a good option. It’s good that you came. I hope you get more posts like FMW - very wise words indeed. 

[Gebidozo]

11 hours ago, Gina101 said:

And I purposely wrote that I don’t need opinions from people who have never ever been in my situation.

I’ve been in your situation. I was a cheater too, remember? Well, not for 8 straight years, there you’ve definitely beaten me, but I used to be quite a piece of work myself. I’m pretty certain that none of the regular LS people were as bad as you and I were.

11 hours ago, Gina101 said:

I struggle to understand why people comment when they have no knowledge of a situation

I don’t have any other knowledge of your situation besides the one you’ve given. And, based on that knowledge, the advice I’m giving you, as a former cheater myself, as a person who, perhaps, understands you better than the other LS people who never cheated, is this: stop justifying your behavior. Stop making pathetic comparisons and excuses. Stop trying to make yourself look like some kind of a noble, suffering diva with an enigmatic soul that regular plebeians are too dense to understand. 

You were a cheater. You lived  in lie, secrecy, and deceit for 8 years. s*** like that takes a toll on your soul, and it is good so. If your conscience weren’t screaming to you now, you wouldn’t be starting threads and getting all defensive and belligerent on a person who tells you straight, plain truth. Own it and be honest with yourself. That’s the first step of healing.

[Gina101]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I’ve been in your situation. I was a cheater too, remember? Well, not for 8 straight years, there you’ve definitely beaten me, but I used to be quite a piece of work myself. I’m pretty certain that none of the regular LS people were as bad as you and I were.

I don’t have any other knowledge of your situation besides the one you’ve given. And, based on that knowledge, the advice I’m giving you, as a former cheater myself, as a person who, perhaps, understands you better than the other LS people who never cheated, is this: stop justifying your behavior. Stop making pathetic comparisons and excuses. Stop trying to make yourself look like some kind of a noble, suffering diva with an enigmatic soul that regular plebeians are too dense to understand. 

You were a cheater. You lived  in lie, secrecy, and deceit for 8 years. s*** like that takes a toll on your soul, and it is good so. If your conscience weren’t screaming to you now, you wouldn’t be starting threads and getting all defensive and belligerent on a person who tells you straight, plain truth. Own it and be honest with yourself. That’s the first step of healing.

I do appreciate the advise given, but I do see differences between us. You were a serial meaningless cheater, with various different people. You was in and out of relationships and cheating with different people for short periods of time. Mine is more like two solid relationships. I have commitment to both men, or that’s how I’ve felt, of course the physical side of is it cheating, but the rest is different. 
 

I will take on board what you had to say, and thank you for taking the time to read and respond. 

[Gina101]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

s*** like that takes a toll on your soul

That’s the part I don’t feel. Sometimes I worry im physco pathetic because why don’t I feel bad for what I’ve been doing? Why can I have an affair for 8 years and feel normal about it? Even know I don’t regret it, I don’t regret a single second of it. Yes I know it’s wrong, but that doesn’t change me wanting it. Maybe I just felt entitled to him due to our past, I’m not sure what the root of it really is, but I know if my husband wanted the details I wouldn’t shy away from them. I would say I loved him, and he meant a lot to me,  and my husband knows that which is why I believe he’s choosing not to find out. I sometimes wonder if he’s continued like I have with woman, that’s why he’s accepting of me. Nothing surprises me in this life. 

[Gebidozo]

3 minutes ago, Gina101 said:

I do appreciate the advise given, but I do see differences between us. You were a serial meaningless cheater, with various different people. You was in and out of relationships and cheating with different people for short periods of time. Mine is more like two solid relationships. I have commitment to both men, or that’s how I’ve felt, of course the physical side of is it cheating, but the rest is different. 
 

I will take on board what you had to say, and thank you for taking the time to read and respond. 

You jump to the conclusion that my cheating was “meaningless” because you really want to see your own cheating as “meaningful”. Which is, again, self-deception and inability to come to terms with the truth.

I really hope that some day you will understand that a phrase such as “I have  commitment to both men” would have been moderately amusing if it weren’t, sadly, a commentary to your delusional thinking.

 

 

[Gebidozo]

5 minutes ago, Gina101 said:

Sometimes I worry im physco pathetic because why don’t I feel bad for what I’ve been doing?

You are right to worry about that. I’m glad that you are, at least, worried.

6 minutes ago, Gina101 said:

Why can I have an affair for 8 years and feel normal about it? 

My guess is that your lack of anything resembling real love to your husband and him condoning your behavior, which exacerbated your disrespect of him, have led to a kind of ethical atrophy.

In plain words, you feel normal because you haven’t been punished. You’re like a kid who keeps tearing off butterflies’ wings because his parents don’t care and don’t tell him that it’s wrong.

Another reason is your feeling for the other man. It’s hard to say whether it could grow to be real love or just an obsession, but it’s clearly so strong that it dulls your ethical sensitivity.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Gina101 said:

Why don’t I feel bad for what I’ve been doing?

I don’t think you have seen the consequences of your behavior. You have yet to see the hurt in your husband’s eyes. You have yet to have the conversation with your children and realize that they have lost all respect for you - because you have hurt them and their father. You continue to view the situation from your own perspective -

How exactly would you feel if your husband  had another relationship for eight years with a woman that he told you he loved? How would you feel if you discovered that your mother had been involved in a sexual affair and cheated on your father for eight years?How would that change your perception of the life and the family that you had built together? What would that do to your self esteem? How would it affect your ability to trust? If you were a child/young adult and your experience with relationships as still forming, how would that change your opinion of marriage and your ability to be in a relationship with another person? Sit with these kind of questions or talk with betrayed spouses/children and hear their stories and you may begin to consider this situation from a different perspective. 
 

3 hours ago, Gina101 said:

I would say I loved him, and he meant a lot to me,  and my husband knows that which is why I believe he’s choosing not to find out. I sometimes wonder if he’s continued like I have with woman, that’s why he’s accepting of me.

I too wouldn’t be surprised if you husband suspected, but do you have any proof that he is pursing other women - or is this your guilty conscious talking?  

[BaileyB]

Why did you end the relationship?