I've ended a 8 year affair but it's killing me

[Gina101]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Why did you end the relationship? 

I’m not too sure, I know it’s something I have been thinking about for a few months. In my head it has always been “I’ll see him just one more time” then I’ll see him and it’ll be “just one more time” and eventually a year has passed. I used to lay in bed and feel worried and upset for him, of how I’d end it, I really didn’t want to hurt his feelings and i know he’ll miss me like I miss him. I’m not sure what hurts more, doing the leaving when you want to stay or someone leaving you want to stay. 
 

Leading up to me actually ending it, the relationship felt almost… I’m not sure what the word would be to describe it. I would say boring but I was NEVER bored of him, I loved every second of him but the situation we was in became boring I suppose. I felt like after 8 years we had done everything possible, we had eaten out, we had gone out for drinks, we had found time to be around each other, we had cried to each other, laughed with each other, done everything sexually possible between us, and I just felt like what else is there to do? If we continue for another year what will be different? Absolutely nothing. I voiced my concerns and he said that what we have done is all we can do, and if this is all we can be he’ll take it as long as I’m in his life. I felt different, I feel that something in me felt it wasn’t enough, and it wasn’t like I wanted more, I would never leave my husband and my family, if we both wanted to that’s what would have happened but we both maintain we love our other halves. I think we both knew that what was going on between was never to last, I always told him there will come a time when we go our separate ways. 
 

although I’m hurting, I miss him terribly, he was a big part of my day everyday, I feel a sense of freedom. I’m looking forward to falling in love with my husband again, I have always loved him but the passion hasn’t been strong as my focus sexually has been on someone else. I’m looking forward to the day I get my mind and thoughts back, without obsessing over him, missing him, loving him in a way that I would risk my whole family just for an hour with him. I hope that I can return in a year and give a whole different prospective on this affair and affairs in general. I hope I heal, grieve and learn to move on without causing hurt and distribution for people I love, and I wish him the best too. 

Edited May 28 by Gina101

[Gina101]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I don’t think you have seen the consequences of your behavior. You have yet to see the hurt in your husband’s eyes. You have yet to have the conversation with your children and realize that they have lost all respect for you - because you have hurt them and their father. You continue to view the situation from your own perspective -

How exactly would you feel if your husband  had another relationship for eight years with a woman that he told you he loved? How would you feel if you discovered that your mother had been involved in a sexual affair and cheated on your father for eight years?How would that change your perception of the life and the family that you had built together? What would that do to your self esteem? How would it affect your ability to trust? If you were a child/young adult and your experience with relationships as still forming, how would that change your opinion of marriage and your ability to be in a relationship with another person? Sit with these kind of questions or talk with betrayed spouses/children and hear their stories and you may begin to consider this situation from a different perspective. 
 

I too wouldn’t be surprised if you husband suspected, but do you have any proof that he is pursing other women - or is this your guilty conscious talking?  

He was a regular peruser of other woman at the beginning of the relationship. I don’t know of him doing anything physical 100% but I have on a few occasions over the years. I don’t think so now, he’s either at work or at home these days, he doesn’t have friends or a social life. 

[lovelychef87]

On 5/27/2024 at 2:53 AM, Gina101 said:

Thieving and stealing are the same yes. Having a sexual affair and f***ing someone on a night out is the same physical action…. 
 

but is stealing to feed your children the same as stealing to fund a drug habit. 
 

is having sex through a love affair the same as going out and meeting some random in a bar and having sex for the sake of it. 
 

Me and you have both cheated, but for very different reasons clearly. The fact you state u was in and out of relationships, cheating, leaving to be with the one you cheated on to then repeat with other people just proves you are the one who’s incapable of love and respect. The fact I can hold on to both men for many years proves to me I’m worthy of much more. I appreciate your views, and I know I have done wrong regarding my husband,  but like I have stated he is aware, though he doesn’t want ot brought to his attention. Not all relationships are text book perfect, we have flaws like every other. 

Imo you're worse a ons could be a slip up of a bad choice you're repeating offender constantly making the choice to hurt two innocent people your H and his wife who knows whom else of founded out.

[mark clemson]

On 5/26/2024 at 10:23 AM, Gina101 said:

 I find he’s on my mind like an obsession, even more so than when we was speaking. I’ve recently had to take two weeks of sick leave from work as I can’t concentrate and it’s showing in my place of work. He’s the first thing I think of when I wake and the last person I think of before bed, I go through the day feeling down and depressed (I’ve never suffered mental health before) I have no appetite and absolutely no interest in anything atall, my sex drive has deserted me

So, it sounds like you might have what's known as limerence. Breakups are among the things that can trigger it. You might also have depression, but "intrusive thoughts" about a love interest are a signal of limerence.

Limerence has some similarities to addiction and to OCD. The good news is it will fade with time. The bad news is your brain is going through actual cellular changes that will need to run their course. It will probably be several months to even a year or two of this, unfortunately. You could consider the following techniques to help with this (but it will only help, not end it completely):

- Make it as hard as possible to contact the person; "impossible" is probably best if that's feasible

- Time outside, humor, socializing (platonically), "cute" things - to stimulate production of "happy" neutrotransmitters

- Distractions such as music or TV you enjoy BUT

- Try to avoid "poignancy" as this will likely make it worse, not better

- Do things that help you develop a new sense of identity that is apart from this person; examples might be hobbies, a major side-gig, or volunteering or other purposeful social activities

Here is a link to the wikipedia article about limerence, which you may find helpful: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

 

Edited May 28 by mark clemson

[Gina101]

10 hours ago, mark clemson said:

So, it sounds like you might have what's known as limerence. Breakups are among the things that can trigger it. You might also have depression, but "intrusive thoughts" about a love interest are a signal of limerence.

Limerence has some similarities to addiction and to OCD. The good news is it will fade with time. The bad news is your brain is going through actual cellular changes that will need to run their course. It will probably be several months to even a year or two of this, unfortunately. You could consider the following techniques to help with this (but it will only help, not end it completely):

- Make it as hard as possible to contact the person; "impossible" is probably best if that's feasible

- Time outside, humor, socializing (platonically), "cute" things - to stimulate production of "happy" neutrotransmitters

- Distractions such as music or TV you enjoy BUT

- Try to avoid "poignancy" as this will likely make it worse, not better

- Do things that help you develop a new sense of identity that is apart from this person; examples might be hobbies, a major side-gig, or volunteering or other purposeful social activities

Here is a link to the wikipedia article about limerence, which you may find helpful: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

 

Thank you, that’s helpful. I’ve taken. Screen shot and I’ll refer back to it at some point. I’m not sure if it can be Limerance if I’ve known him, and felt this way for a number of years? What’s the main difference between limerance and love? 

[Gina101]

10 hours ago, mark clemson said:

So, it sounds like you might have what's known as limerence. Breakups are among the things that can trigger it. You might also have depression, but "intrusive thoughts" about a love interest are a signal of limerence.

Limerence has some similarities to addiction and to OCD. The good news is it will fade with time. The bad news is your brain is going through actual cellular changes that will need to run their course. It will probably be several months to even a year or two of this, unfortunately. You could consider the following techniques to help with this (but it will only help, not end it completely):

- Make it as hard as possible to contact the person; "impossible" is probably best if that's feasible

- Time outside, humor, socializing (platonically), "cute" things - to stimulate production of "happy" neutrotransmitters

- Distractions such as music or TV you enjoy BUT

- Try to avoid "poignancy" as this will likely make it worse, not better

- Do things that help you develop a new sense of identity that is apart from this person; examples might be hobbies, a major side-gig, or volunteering or other purposeful social activities

Here is a link to the wikipedia article about limerence, which you may find helpful: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

 

I replied but it’s hidden for some reason 

[mark clemson]

On 5/28/2024 at 11:47 PM, Gina101 said:

 What’s the main difference between limerance and love? 

That's a good question and would probably involve an extended discussion. "Love" is one of those words that has a pretty loose definition. Limerence involves substantive and measurable brain changes and to the extent that it is love, it's probably one of the strongest forms, although it's also temporary.

I think if you asked someone who had limerence for someone and ended up with them, they might not feel limerence e.g. 5 years later, but they'd probably feel that they "won the love of their life" or similar.

I think if you asked anyone who has limerence for someone at the time "are you in love with X" the vast majority would say yes and rather emphatically that they very much are.

It's easy to point a finger and say "brain chemistry so it can't be real love" BUT actually everything we feel has a brain chemistry component. One could just as easily point the finger to whatever someone else is claiming "is" love and say - well, that's brain chemistry too.

Edited June 2 by mark clemson

[Gina101]

10 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

That's a good question and would probably involve an extended discussion. "Love" is one of those words that has a pretty loose definition. Limerence involves substantive and measurable brain changes and to the extent that it is love, it's probably one of the strongest forms, although it's also temporary.

I think if you asked someone who had limerence for someone and ended up with them, they might not feel limerence e.g. 5 years later, but they'd probably feel that they "won the love of their life" or similar.

I think if you asked anyone who has limerence for someone at the time "are you in love with X" the vast majority would say yes and rather emphatically that they very much are.

It's easy to point a finger and say "brain chemistry so it can't be real love" BUT actually everything we feel has a brain chemistry component. One could just as easily point the finger to whatever someone else is claiming "is" love and say - well, that's brain chemistry too.

I’ve known him since I was 14 and always felt the same way, so I’m unsure if it’s Linerance or love. I hope it’s Limerance and only temporary, I guess I’ll find out 

[mark clemson]

Quote

find he’s on my mind like an obsession, even more so than when we was speaking. I’ve recently had to take two weeks of sick leave from work as I can’t concentrate and it’s showing in my place of work. He’s the first thing I think of when I wake and the last person I think of before bed, I go through the day feeling down and depressed (I’ve never suffered mental health before) I have no appetite and absolutely no interest in anything atall, my sex drive has deserted me

Obviously you haven't felt THIS way since you were 14. That's what I was talking about.

Limerence is pronounced enough that it can make it difficult to function in the way you describe, with intrusive thoughts, that make it difficult to concentrate, etc. You haven't gone through your whole life like this.

[Gina101]

I thought I would do a post, and not down my thoughts in the hope that they may help someone else. This is mainly aimed at the betrayer but could also be useful to the betrayed. 
 

im over 12 weeks out of an 8 year affair. I had no reason to end it, and I still don’t know what made me end it, or start it. I loved him, I still do and I miss him so much it hurts. This is the longest we’ve had 0 communication for for over 8 years. Previously I have gone 3 weeks on two occasions. I am still feeling positive about it being over, but I have some tips if anyone needs them. 
 

affairs are obviously very isolating, and there isn’t many, if atall, people to talk to about them. It’s a break up, the same as any other, and for me addiction like. I knew it was wrong, I knew I would hurt people I loved, I knew I would destroy my family, but I couldn’t stop. The withdrawal symptoms are real, limerance and love are real. I searched online for help but was met constantly help for the betrayed, and very little for my position. Everything I did read mainly came from people who have never been in my situation, where is is easy to say walk away and never look back. Delete everything and block them on everything, go cold turkey ect ect. This for me hasn’t worked, I’ve tried that in the past and going cold turkey is what sent me back. 
 

this time, I have kept pictures and videos. Some days are harder than others, so days I hurt inside so much that I would rather die, those days I look at the footage and I feel a sense of calm. I see his face and it’s a little dose of what I need. I love him, my god I loved him, and I have cried my eyes out looking at the photos of us and knowing it’s over. The best advice I can offer is let yourself grieve, let it hurt, listen to sad songs, listen to songs that remind you of him, look at the photos, day dream about him, because your body needs to process the loss. Let it hurt, only then will you be able to heal. 
 

I often wondered how I ended up where I was. Im a nurse, I help people, I have lots of friends, I foster children, I give to food banks, I’m a good wife and mother. Yet I had this whole secret life on the side. Don’t hate yourself for what you have took part in. Since ending it I have took a closer look into myself and went through a lot of self reflection. For myself, I have found the reason how I can have an affair and not feel any impacted emotions to stop (sooner than I did.) for me, I grew up with a very traumatic childhood, I was raped, abused & neglected. For me, as a person I am very good at distancing myself from reality. People who have known me from child say they are so proud of the person I have became, and how I’m proof that you don’t need to take the same route you where shown as a child. I do see, how the majority of children who had similar upbringings take a different path in life and become a mess. I learnt from a young age to distance myself from events I didn’t like. If I didn’t learn that, I wouldn’t have been so well rounded now. The whole affair I never felt any romorse. I would have sex and go home to my husband like nothing happened, and I wouldn’t feel an ounce different because to me “that wasn’t me, I didn’t do that” and there you have it; I have distanced myself. It’s a defence mechanism to trauma, and something I do automatically. There have been a lot of incidents in my life that I have subjected this too, and I have came to realise that I have just pushed these bad memories to the back of my head and I have never processed them. I have never felt the raft of them, and so I have signed up for counselling. To discus my childhood and the affair. 
 

in my opinion no perfect lived, said person could take part in an affair. It takes a messed up broken person to be able to pull it off. Please take a closer look at yourself, and everything you have been too. If you don’t change the thought process you can’t change your life. 
 

I haven’t yet told my husband about the affair, I am awaiting my mental health to be healthier so I am in a better place before I impact it further. I will of course, lay out the facts and it’s his choice what happens after that. I wish you all the best of luck, please always love yourself. 

[S2B]

Can you support yourself IF your husband decides to leave?

how can you be sure the children are your husbands kids?

[Gina101]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

Can you support yourself IF your husband decides to leave?

how can you be sure the children are your husbands kids?

My children was all born before the affair started. I did actually get pregnant with my ap but I didn’t continue with the pregnancy, sadly. 

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, Gina101 said:

I will of course, lay out the facts and it’s his choice what happens after that. I wish you all the best of luck, please always love yourself. 

His choice? If this is 8 years and your husband is even remotely similar to most men (and isn't financially dependent on you) you can basically plan on being divorced after you tell him. Just putting that out there for ya.

Close to 100% future certainties are not that common in relationship discussions, but this is certainly one. I don't advise people to divorce (and I'm not advising you to) but were it me making this decision, I'd be considering simply announcing my intent to finally take the bull by the horns and deal with my unhappiness in the relationship. Make of that what you will + I recognize that's not easy to do for some folks. Perhaps you are "letting him make the decision for you?"

Edited June 6 by mark clemson

[Gina101]

41 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

His choice? If this is 8 years and your husband is even remotely similar to most men (and isn't financially dependent on you) you can basically plan on being divorced after you tell him. Just putting that out there for ya.

Close to 100% future certainties are not that common in relationship discussions, but this is certainly one. I don't advise people to divorce (and I'm not advising you to) but were it me making this decision, I'd be considering simply announcing my intent to finally take the bull by the horns and deal with my unhappiness in the relationship. Make of that what you will + I recognize that's not easy to do for some folks. Perhaps you are "letting him make the decision for you?"

Maybe I find it easier if the decision is out of my hands. I’m a very take each day as it comes person, I won’t beg him to stay if he wants to leave. 

Edited June 6 by Gina101

[basil67]

How will you cope if your children are horrified at your actions and cut ties with you?

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, Gina101 said:

I’m a good wife and mother.

LOL, good wives and mothers don't engage in affairs.

 

1 hour ago, Gina101 said:

I won’t beg him to stay if he wants to leave

I don't doubt this because your opening post tells just how little you care about him.  Please tell him what you've been up to for the last 8 years so he can get someone he deserves.

[MsJayne]

On 5/28/2024 at 4:53 AM, Gina101 said:

6 years into our marriages he returned, it was purely platonic and j was happy to hear from him. We agreed to keep in contact as friends (this was definitely my genuine intention, and I believe his 100% at the time too.) I look back to the year he retuned, and I was by far the worst year of my marriage. We was technically separated though still living together, we didn’t have sex and slept in separate bedrooms. We didn’t talk and wasn’t on any good terms, we argued a lot and o felt unloved and unappreciated. we had twins and another on the way, I was made redundant and my husband was laid off work from his self employment, financially we was struggling, and I regularly found my husband engaging with other woman online. I feel this encouraged me more to keep the friendship existent with my friend as he always made me feel the opposite. Again, it was platonic and more than anything he was just a shoulder to cry on. 

I think all of your answers are in this paragraph. Your childhood sweetheart turned up when you were at the height of vulnerability, came to your rescue so to speak, and all this time down the track you don't want to let him go because he's like oxygen to you, without him you feel you'll drown. The thing is, what @gebidozo says is true, when you really love another person you can't do anything to hurt them. Think of the love you have for your children, would you knowingly hurt them? No? But when it comes to your husband, what is it that makes it OK to do something that could crush him? There's an element of "payback" in long-term affairs. I think that's the difference between the person who engages in the quick, almost-anonymous cheating, a one-off fumble with a stranger, and the person who maintains an ongoing relationship with an affair partner. The "cheater" has limited or no conscience and doesn't love their partner, a random stranger will do, but the affair-haver is usually a person who has a bundle of repressed anger at their partner, and the affair is actually a payback for the partner making them feel devalued and insignificant. The affair partner values them, provides that which the ego needs to stay afloat. Is it possible that when your childhood sweetheart re-entered your life your ego got a huge boost and your behaviour changed towards your husband because suddenly you felt less vulnerable, you started to feel like you had a bit of power back, and your husband picked up on the change in the balance of power and began to treat you differently? In response you began to feel less angry at him , but not so much that you felt you could let the AP go. How does your AP feel about ceasing contact? Is he grieving like you? If he feels the same way you do then maybe both of you should consider coming clean and ending your marriages rather than living a lie and forcing your partners to live a lie along with you. Whatever way you look at it, you're hurting people you profess to love . 

[Gebidozo]

12 hours ago, Gina101 said:

I’m a good wife

A woman who considers herself a good wife after 8 years of cheating is out of touch with reality and apparently lacks anything resembling a moral compass.

I’ve been reading your long posts for a while and nowhere have I seen genuine remorse, only pathetic justifications and something approaching delusions of grandeur.

Please set your husband free. He should be with someone who loves him.

[BaileyB]

I too would be less concerned about losing my marriage than losing the respect of my children.

Teenage children and young adults can be particularly unforgiving when a parent has betrayed the family in this way. Teenagers are not known to tolerate disrespect well.

 

Edited June 7 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, Gina101 said:

I won’t beg him to stay if he wants to leave. 

Indeed. It sounds like a lot of this 8 year affair was making it easier to remain in a marriage you're simply not happy in.

WRT your children, they may not accept what you did (assuming the reasons for your likely impending divorce get discussed with them). Hopefully in time they will gain the emotional maturity to see that this was your "solution" to what is/was for you a difficult situation - being unhappy in a marriage that you weren't ready or felt able to actually leave.

Some people never grow into the ability to recognize what's happening/happened and forgive, but the future is unwritten and you can always hope that they do.

[Gina101]

As for my children, life happens. What else can I say. What ever happens I’ll always be their mum, and what ever happens he’ll always be their dad. Maybe it’s the turmoil I grew up in, and the fact I had the worst parents ever and never not loved them, and see them regularly and never begrudge them got the stuff I have went through. What I do with my private life has nothing to do with my children or how I am as a mother, if anything it’s between me and my husband. My children are almost grown enough to be off and living their own lives.  Love is unconditional and I am proof of that with my parents. I have no concerns regarding my children. I will not be replying to any more messages, I left this here to help others and that’s my only intentions. 

Edited June 7 by Gina101

[BaileyB]

In the event that you are still reading, I will just say that I appreciate the above statement is a well developed defence mechanism… and you are not wrong, what happens in your marriage is between yourself and your husband. Your affair is a stain on the entire family and you better believe they will have an opinion about it. Your eight year love affair has also affected them, it has disrespected them and their family. 

What you posted above was essentially the attitude my father had after my mother passed and he almost immediately moved another woman into my family home. He said all this things to us - it’s my life, you can either deal with it or not… And while a child may always love their parent, things like trust, respect, and their presence in your life is not. I have a good relationship with my father now but it’s only because he reconsidered his position and began to consider more than his own needs in his decision making. My best friend’s father, who had an affair and left her mother, was never able to find this kind of humility… he continued on his own path and he has no relationship with her or his grandchildren. I’m sharing my experience as a bit of a well intended warning to you - the sense of entitlement shared above and the dismissal of their feelings is not going to be well received by your children. ie. they are adult children, they can go their way if they don’t like it and I will live my own life - may actually be exactly what happens if you are not able to find some empathy, remorse, and humility. 

Edited June 7 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

27 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I have a good relationship with my father now but it’s only because he reconsidered his position and began to consider more than his own needs in his decision making. 

Sorry, I forgot to add - he began to reconsider only after my brother and I both told him that we were walking away… putting some distance between ourselves and my father. I never stopped loving him and had had great empathy for his pain and loss, but we were also hurting and we could not accept some of his behavior. As a Hail Mary, we asked him to go to grief/family counselling and that was the beginning of our journey to heal the relationship. His “take away” from family counselling was that his decisions really did affect others - and he needed to be more considerate toward the feelings of others in the future…

[Gina101]

21 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Sorry, I forgot to add - he began to reconsider only after my brother and I both told him that we were walking away… putting some distance between ourselves and my father. I never stopped loving him and had had great empathy for his pain and loss, but we were also hurting and we could not accept some of his behavior. As a Hail Mary, we asked him to go to grief/family counselling and that was the beginning of our journey to heal the relationship. His “take away” from family counselling was that his decisions really did affect others - and he needed to be more considerate toward the feelings of others in the future…

Thank you, I have just read your responses and they are very valid in a sense. Unfortunately they don’t correlate with me, but I’m sure they were all genuine feelings for your self and your siblings. 
 

without going into too much detail, I grew up with alcoholic and drug addicted parents, my mother REGULARLY had sex with other men in exchange for money, alcohol and drugs. I heard and witnessed this on many occasions, and often once she had passed out they would come to my bedroom. You talk of disrespect that my children would have for me, when given my situation I had no disrespect for my mother. I felt sorry for her, and I loved her, I always wanted to help her, and her needs always came before mine. I know she loved me, but she struggled to love herself. She’s forever sorry now, and still to this day in and out of rehab. One day it will kill her. She was never a mother to me, she was similar to a little sister. I helped her; I held her when she cried, she came to me with her problems yet I could never burden her with mine. Still the this day it’s the same relationship. 
 

as for my children, they have lived a very pleasant sheltered life. They have two loving, hard working parents, I don’t smoke and I don’t drink, they are with us 24/7 as of course, I don’t have family to help if needed. We have a lovely house, we go on 4/5 holidays a year, they get a home cooked meal every night, they want for nothing. If when the truth comes out, they decide they want nothing to do with my if I’m honest I will find the attitude selfish. My love for them remained throughout everything, I have gave my life to my children, and the children I foster, as the thought of a child having the childhood I did breaks my heart. My affair was a mere 10% of my life, the small amount I got to myself. The rest was marriage, children, work. What I chose to do with my private life has nothing to do with my children. We as adults are free to live as we choose, and should be entitled to make our own mistakes. We may not agree with our loved one’s actions, but unconditional love should bind everything back together. I would never disregard their feelings, and I will expect tears and tantrums when all is revealed. But what is done is done, and I can’t undo the past. There are many monsters in this world, but I point blank to refuse I’m one of them. There are murderers, child rapists and abusers, so forgive me for not putting myself into the evil category. It’s mainly people who have lived very privileged “perfect” lives that maintain I am so evil and so horrid. I have seen evil and horrid. Yes I will eventually hurt people, but it was never intentional despite what strangers here may believe. Yes I have done wrong by my husband, but I am a good person who has done a bad thing. Where would hating myself get me?  

Edited June 7 by Gina101

[BaileyB]

31 minutes ago, Gina101 said:

Where would hating myself get me?  

No one here is suggesting that you hate yourself. And, I’m very sorry for the trauma that you have experienced in your life. 

I wish you well.