I've ended a 8 year affair but it's killing me

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Gina101 said:

There are many monsters in this world, but I point blank to refuse I’m one of them. There are murderers, child rapists and abusers, so forgive me for not putting myself into the evil category. It’s mainly people who have lived very privileged “perfect” lives that maintain I am so evil and so horrid. I have seen evil and horrid. Yes I will eventually hurt people, but it was never intentional despite what strangers here may believe. Yes I have done wrong by my husband, but I am a good person who has done a bad thing. Where would hating myself get me?  

Gina, nobody here is suggesting to you to hate yourself. On the contrary, I suggest that you love yourself.

What does loving oneself mean? Well, for starters, it means making sure that you are good person. You love your children, that means that you want them to be good people. You teach them morals. You tell them not to lie, to be honest with themselves.

Now imagine that your child did something bad, say, stole a candy from a store. Would you tell him “there are kids that torture animals, beat up other kids, and do other even more horrible stuff, you aren’t in the same category”? Of course not. You wouldn’t compare your child to bad kids. You’d compare him to good kids and tell him that good kids don’t steal. 

Maybe try taking this approach with yourself. Don’t engage in defensive maneuvers and the justifications that they produce. You’re obviously suffering and this won’t make you happier. I’m telling you harsh things not because I think you’re a horrid, evil monster. If I thought that I wouldn’t react to your posts at all. I’m telling you those things because I’ve been where you are now and I can assure you that the first step to healing is full acknowledgment of guilt with calm humility and with absolutely no self-hatred. Self-hatred is a terrible, poisonous, destructive state of mind, I never advocate it and you should fight it with all your might.

[MsJayne]

Past trauma isn’t an excuse for treating other people badly. I had a traumatic childhood and it makes me careful of how I treat others, not think it entitles me to be sly and emotionally abusive. Being a good person in public, (fostering children, being a pillar of a community), is only a mask if you treat those closest to you with selfish disregard. My mother had a ten year affair which caused all sorts of trouble in our family, and her self-centredness is family legend. None of us have ever forgiven her, my sisters and I make jokes about what an embarrassment she is, and what a narcissistic a*****e, and we all sympathise with our father and understand why he was such an angry man. When she dies there will be no funeral, no one will care. Least of all the man she had the affair with. 
You’re painting this affair as some great love story to justify your behaviour, but it’s just as tacky and cliched as any affair. You re-bonded with your AP through moaning about your husband behind his back. Extremely garden-variety stuff, very common. It’s good that you’ve made an appt with a counsellor, hopefully they can help you to see that you’re trying to make caviar out of fish fingers. 
 

[basil67]

9 hours ago, Gina101 said:

What I chose to do with my private life has nothing to do with my children

I think that you don't realise that children have feelings about what their parents do.  And if they see that one parent has caused an extraordinary degree of hurt to the other, they are going to take sides.  

I've seen a number of families where one or all children choose to have no contact with the parent who cheated.

[BaileyB]

I’m concerned that the message here seems to be - if I could love and forgive my parent, my children should find a way to do the same. And if they can’t, I find that selfish. Selfish, I would call an eight year extramarital affair…

The fact that you provided for your children the things that you did not have including a stable home, attentive parents, home cooked meals, and vacations does not absolve the betrayal here. It will not negate the pain and the hurt. 

It’s good that you have made the decision to speak with a counsellor. I have much empathy for the trauma that you have experienced Gina. I think you have very well developed defence mechanisms that may have served you in some ways, but they certainly won’t serve you if/when this affair is known to your family. My last piece of advice, for what it’s worth, is be careful not to dismiss the feelings of your children the way that you did in your last post. As I said, it’s not going to go well for you if you say to them what you’ve essentially said above - it’s my life, I don’t have to answer to you, and if you don’t like it… that’s your problem. If you have raised emotionally well adjusted children with a good sense of self respect which it sounds like you have, they are going to tell you where to go… and that won’t be selfish, that would be a really healthy boundary for them to set.

Edited June 8 by BaileyB

[Gina101]

8 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Past trauma isn’t an excuse for treating other people badly. I had a traumatic childhood and it makes me careful of how I treat others, not think it entitles me to be sly and emotionally abusive. Being a good person in public, (fostering children, being a pillar of a community), is only a mask if you treat those closest to you with selfish disregard. My mother had a ten year affair which caused all sorts of trouble in our family, and her self-centredness is family legend. None of us have ever forgiven her, my sisters and I make jokes about what an embarrassment she is, and what a narcissistic a*****e, and we all sympathise with our father and understand why he was such an angry man. When she dies there will be no funeral, no one will care. Least of all the man she had the affair with. 
You’re painting this affair as some great love story to justify your behaviour, but it’s just as tacky and cliched as any affair. You re-bonded with your AP through moaning about your husband behind his back. Extremely garden-variety stuff, very common. It’s good that you’ve made an appt with a counsellor, hopefully they can help you to see that you’re trying to make caviar out of fish fingers. 
 

That’s very sad, you only get one mother. If your dad was so angry maybe that’s the reason she found comfort in another man. I have met many people like you, and yes I also label it selfish, in the same way an affair is selfish. You will regret it once she is gone. 

[basil67]

58 minutes ago, Gina101 said:

That’s very sad, you only get one mother. If your dad was so angry maybe that’s the reason she found comfort in another man. I have met many people like you, and yes I also label it selfish, in the same way an affair is selfish. You will regret it once she is gone. 

My partner made me cheat?  WTF is wrong with you?   

 Adults are the role models for their children...it's our job.   Parents forgive children mistakes because they are still growing and learning, but it doesn't work the other away around

Edited June 8 by basil67

[basil67]

Just now, basil67 said:

My partner made me cheat.  WTF is wrong with you

Adults are the role models for their children...it's our job.   Parents forgive children mistakes because they are still growing and learning, but it doesn't work the other away around

 

[Gina101]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

I don’t know where you have quoted that from, but I have never wrote my partner made me cheat??? 

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, Gina101 said:

I don’t know where you have quoted that from, but I have never wrote my partner made me cheat??? 

"If your dad was so angry maybe that’s the reason she found comfort in another man"   

You wrote it to @MsJayne   That's broadly the excuse of "my partner made me cheat".   Nothing from you the dreadful behaviour of her mother. 

Kids don't owe their parents forgiveness.   Like it or not, it's how life works.   If you disclose a multi year affair to your family, expect to be ostracised.  

Edited June 8 by basil67

[Gina101]

Just so we are clear I have never said my past trauma is an excuse for having an affair. There is no excuse for having an affair, but they happen. I highlighted my trauma as a reason why I was able to carry on with an affair, aposed to someone who hasn’t been through trauma. I simply can dissociate myself with situations I don’t want to think about; and it’s like theh never happened. I have sex with another man and felt nothing when I came home to my family, becus I don’t have the mechanisms that healthy individuals have where shame, guilt and remorse would kick in. If I did; I wouldn’t have been able to continue for so long. I have started therapy and had my first session last night. I am going to work on feeling emotions, whether good or bad and try not to distance myself from events I don’t like. 
 

I understand peoples anger, my relationship hasn’t been plain sailing. My husband has “especially in our initial years of marriage” been unfaithful, though I don’t know for certain he’s had sex with other woman, but I had my suspicions. No relationship is perfect, there are lumps and bumps in many. 
 

as for my affair, most won’t like what I have to say regarding it, but as this present moment in time I still feel no regret over it. It felt like the right thing to do at the time, and I will never regret my ap. the comment of a tacky affair couldn’t be further from the truth, though it’s easier for people to believe that. I met my affair partner at the age of 14. I was in the depths of abuse, I was self harming, and had an eating disorder. He was the single only happiness of my teenage years. It didn’t matter what happened to be during the night, as seeing him at school the following day gave me a purpose to make it through. Without him I would have ended my life without a doubt. He showed me love and care, he taught me what it was like to feel safe. He knows a part of me no one knows. When I met my husband at 19 I was just recovering as I left home at 18. I was at a place I couldn’t talk about the abuse; and so stil to this day he doesn’t know the extreme depths of what went on. 
 

my ap has also been a safe haven to me, I’ve always felt comfortable and like I can let my guard down to him. It was never about sex, but we have always had a connection that’s hard to give up on. I love my husband l, and would always choose him. I don’t expect people to understand; I struggle to understand my feelings and reasons myself. I posted this for people in my position, as healing yourself is impotant, before you can help the healing of others from the pain you have caused. You need to find the reasons yourself before you can give the answers to those who need them. 

[basil67]

@Gina101 I don't care about your reasons or excuses for having an affair.  My point is that your children don't owe you forgiveness or understanding.  And you don't have the right to be mean to someone who doesn't forgive their parent for abhorrent behaviour

[Gina101]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@Gina101 I don't care about your reasons or excuses for having an affair.  My point is that your children don't owe you forgiveness or understanding.  And you don't have the right to be mean to someone who doesn't forgive their parent for abhorrent behaviour

Exactly that, so reread your comment. We don’t owe anything to anyone, we are our own person. We live our own lives and make our own choices. That goes for me, you, my children. I will never force them to have a relationship with me should they choose not too. I personally have no concerns over my children, we have a good relationship and although they will be initially upset I’m certain they will come around. I also have all boys, which, are less sensitive to girls and have a wider outlook on life. I have never promised them me and their father will stay together forever, and who I have sex with is my business, not theirs. 

[basil67]

22 minutes ago, Gina101 said:

I’m certain they will come around. I also have all boys, which, are less sensitive to girls and have a wider outlook on life. I have never promised them me and their father will stay together forever, and who I have sex with is my business, not theirs. 

Apparently marriage vows - and how your breaching of them - affects your family means nothing to you.   The entitlement is strong here

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sure I have read this story before. 

 

 

[stillafool]

On 5/27/2024 at 12:29 PM, Gina101 said:

And I purposely wrote that I don’t need opinions from people who have never ever been in my situation. They aren’t helpful to me, of course I know, feel and u understand basic knowledge of right and wrong but I’m not here to discus that.

This is a public forum and anyone can reply to your threads.  You will get all types of opinions on your situation and some you may like and others you won't.  That's the chance you take when you come to a public forum for advice.  You can't tell people what to post nor who not to post.

[MsJayne]

12 hours ago, Gina101 said:

That’s very sad, you only get one mother. If your dad was so angry maybe that’s the reason she found comfort in another man. I have met many people like you, and yes I also label it selfish, in the same way an affair is selfish. You will regret it once she is gone. 

🤣 OK, gloves off. You’re getting more and more messed up the more you post. Each time someone posts something that highlights how full of s**t you are you come back with more even evidence that you’re full of s**t. You’ve been banging someone behind your husband’s back, having a grubby, hole-in-the-corner affair, and you come here looking for support and justification for your vile behaviour and people here see straight through you, but they have the grace to be kind even though you don’t deserve it. Your kids mean bugger all to, it’s all about you getting attention to fill the empty space where a heart should be. Your lover is nothing more than “supply”. Look it up, Einstein. You need help, but people with your condition rarely turn up on the psychologist’s couch, it’s mostly your children who end up there. 

[MsJayne]

12 hours ago, Gina101 said:

Just so we are clear I have never said my past trauma is an excuse for having an affair. There is no excuse for having an affair, but they happen. I highlighted my trauma as a reason why I was able to carry on with an affair, aposed to someone who hasn’t been through trauma. I simply can dissociate myself with situations I don’t want to think about; and it’s like theh never happened. I have sex with another man and felt nothing when I came home to my family, becus I don’t have the mechanisms that healthy individuals have where shame, guilt and remorse would kick in. If I did; I wouldn’t have been able to continue for so long. I have started therapy and had my first session last night. I am going to work on feeling emotions, whether good or bad and try not to distance myself from events I don’t like. 
 

I understand peoples anger, my relationship hasn’t been plain sailing. My husband has “especially in our initial years of marriage” been unfaithful, though I don’t know for certain he’s had sex with other woman, but I had my suspicions. No relationship is perfect, there are lumps and bumps in many. 
 

as for my affair, most won’t like what I have to say regarding it, but as this present moment in time I still feel no regret over it. It felt like the right thing to do at the time, and I will never regret my ap. the comment of a tacky affair couldn’t be further from the truth, though it’s easier for people to believe that. I met my affair partner at the age of 14. I was in the depths of abuse, I was self harming, and had an eating disorder. He was the single only happiness of my teenage years. It didn’t matter what happened to be during the night, as seeing him at school the following day gave me a purpose to make it through. Without him I would have ended my life without a doubt. He showed me love and care, he taught me what it was like to feel safe. He knows a part of me no one knows. When I met my husband at 19 I was just recovering as I left home at 18. I was at a place I couldn’t talk about the abuse; and so stil to this day he doesn’t know the extreme depths of what went on. 
 

my ap has also been a safe haven to me, I’ve always felt comfortable and like I can let my guard down to him. It was never about sex, but we have always had a connection that’s hard to give up on. I love my husband l, and would always choose him. I don’t expect people to understand; I struggle to understand my feelings and reasons myself. I posted this for people in my position, as healing yourself is impotant, before you can help the healing of others from the pain you have caused. You need to find the reasons yourself before you can give the answers to those who need them. 

I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone waffle on so much about themselves and their cheesy affair in this forum, ever. You seem totally self-obsessed, and that’s another reason to get some proper professional help. And for Gods sake stop bleating about how much you love your husband, you’ve been lying to him for eight years! You have zero respect for him. You should tell him the truth so he can go get checked out for STD’s. 

[S2B]

If you don’t get varying responses she’s your mind will never get different perspectives. There would be no growth if you aren’t considering different perspectives.

[lana_sa]

If you love him this much and he feels the same, its not worth staying away.End your marriage and go after what your heart wants , that is also fair towards your husband

[basil67]

10 hours ago, lana_sa said:

If you love him this much and he feels the same, its not worth staying away.End your marriage and go after what your heart wants , that is also fair towards your husband

Definitely more fair to her husband.  But I'm not sure what her AP's wife will make of it

[stillafool]

On 5/27/2024 at 1:24 PM, Gina101 said:

But I’m just putting into prescriptive that I never went out my way to fall in love with anyone else, in fact the love was already there for him before I even met my husband.

The majority of people in affairs don't go out of their way to have one.  With poor boundaries it happened.  There is such a thing as self discipline.