Orochilove Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 Hello everyone I’m very new here and would like to introduce myself. I’m a 29 yr old female living in South Korea and I’m from the Netherlands. I’ve met a man(38) here who seemed broken in the beginning but we dated for about a year. He always had some issues displaying affection. He didn’t like taking pictures and calling each other cute names but we spent every weekend together for a whole year. ive had some issues with his dog because I see that he’s able to be more affectionate but he couldn’t give me the same affection, but he brushed it off as well I speak differently to pets and babies. we broke up about 2 months ago, because we couldn’t come to a compromise as his dog triggered me too much, and he wasn’t sure if he can make me happy. After the break up, he kept visiting my house because I’ve blocked him on everything and he kept wanting to work things out with me. Then 2 weeks later I was browsing through his instagram on a “fake” account as I usually do to see which girls pictures he likes, which he have not in along time, but I decided to make another “fake” one and follow all of the girls he follows which was about 10 of them. one was with a Russian girl and she had 3 pictures with him together looking all cozy and couple-style photos. i became furious and confronted him and he didn’t deny anything. He said it wasn’t cheating because we weren’t together, he said he was extremely lonely and did not know how to cope, so he decided to get a rebound while trying to work things out with me. He said he was going to stop talking and hanging out with her if him and I can work out our relationship issues. Was it wrong for me to call him a cheater and block him everywhere? He’s been writing to me by hand for 1.5 months a letter every single day asking for a chance to speak with me (I’m currently in Vietnam with my family) but I see pictures of him and her hanging out still. he wrote to me recently that he knows what he did/doing is not good at all, but he wasn’t sure if I was going to work things out with him As I broke up with him many times. he wrote me an email today already telling me that he just wants to be heard and needs closure. I still love him but hate him the same time. I was with him for a year while he was broken, and he goes and does this behind my Back is extremely hurtful. I don’t know what to do as I’ll go back to Korea soon and I’m sure he’ll show up at my house pleading to talk with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 (edited) What a mess. He is a pathetic stalker who was more affectionate to his dog than to his own girlfriend, and you are still being jealous and spy on his accounts? You are broken up, he can do whatever he wants with other women. You have absolutely no right to monitor his private life anymore. He has no right to keep popping up at your house uninvited, this is stalking and you can get a restraining order against him. Break off all contact with him and move on. Edited May 27 by Gebidozo 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Orochilove Posted May 27 Author Share Posted May 27 He won’t give up on me, he did treat me well when we were together. He never forgot to tell me good mornings and good evenings, always taken me out on dates every weekend. his tone of voice was robotic but he claims that’s how he normally talk. He was overall a good lover but I just couldn’t stand him giving him that cute affection to his dog but not to me. im having an extremely difficult time the last email he sent he said he wants to marry me and he’s suggesting we goto couple counseling because he cannot live without me. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 26 minutes ago, Orochilove said: he did treat me well when we were together. He never forgot to tell me good mornings and good evenings, always taken me out on dates every weekend. You must have been dating horrible men if you think a guy treats you well just because he tells you good morning and takes you out on dates. These are the basics. Any guy should be doing that. 28 minutes ago, Orochilove said: he cannot live without me. Red flag. Stay away from men who say such stuff when they want to get back with you. It’s pure emotional blackmail. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Orochilove Posted May 27 Author Share Posted May 27 Never dated a guy who was so consistent as he was. He also worked a lot but gave me all of his free time. i don’t know maybe i am crazy myself :(. But im trying really hard to ignore him, but I can’t get over him. i know what we had was real, and I don’t know what to do, im afraid ill take him back because there’s that little hope he’ll marry me. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 1 hour ago, Orochilove said: im afraid ill take him back because there’s that little hope he’ll marry me. OP, please read this sentence of yours aloud and try to feel its deep falseness. Do you respect yourself so little that you’ll get back together with a man you’re afraid of taking back, just because he might marry you? What does him wanting to marry you have anything to do with what you want? You broke up with him because he showed more affection to his dog than to you. Now he is stalking and emotionally pressuring you. Why would you want to be together with him? Link to post Share on other sites
evillover Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 I know saying move on will be hard but that's the only thing that left to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Orochilove Posted May 27 Author Share Posted May 27 34 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: OP, please read this sentence of yours aloud and try to feel its deep falseness. Do you respect yourself so little that you’ll get back together with a man you’re afraid of taking back, just because he might marry you? What does him wanting to marry you have anything to do with what you want? You broke up with him because he showed more affection to his dog than to you. Now he is stalking and emotionally pressuring you. Why would you want to be together with him? What I want is for him to be with me but I feel like he cheated. He was pleading that he didn’t cheat but it feels like it. why would he be with another woman while he’s trying to reconcile with me? Is it really because he’s coping? I want to be together with him because I believe he’s my soul mate. I really do believe it, he’s just as weird as I am and he also put up alot with me. I can be verbally abusive and I’ve blown up on him many many times over small things that I shouldn’t have blown up over. i love him still, I’m just so hurt that he’s with someone else when I was faithful to him even during our break up Link to post Share on other sites
Author Orochilove Posted May 27 Author Share Posted May 27 (edited) 21 minutes ago, evillover said: I know saying move on will be hard but that's the only thing that left to do. I can’t seem to move on :(. And he won’t let me move on because he keeps emailing me. I’ve blocked him but he makes new ones and even writes me hand written letters daily while I’m away. he keeps saying that I’m the one for him and that he will drop everything for me. I do think he means it, he never even defended his wrong doings. Just said he’s selfish and a coward and how embarrassed he was and guilty. he doesn’t know when I’m coming back but I have to go back to Korea and I know he’s probably coming by every 2-3 days to see if I’m there. i know he’s a good soul, but the thought of him with another woman while trying to fix us is killing me. He did say he’s going to remove her and marry me if we can work things out Edited May 27 by Orochilove Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 You broke up with him so no him moving on is not cheating. The only way this could be "cheating on" you is if he promised to not sleep with anyone. He didn't, you two split. You were wrong to post your real self as a fake to spy on what he does, that is a waste of energy. You went no contact and found peace until you went looking for trouble. If you cannot handle someone's pet 100% walk away. If he is not affectionate it won't change - no more than someone going gay/lesbian/bi. That is who he is. You either accept this guy has the right to be who he is or you find someone with the list of preferences that like you, you can accept. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Orochilove Posted May 27 Author Share Posted May 27 37 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: You broke up with him so no him moving on is not cheating. The only way this could be "cheating on" you is if he promised to not sleep with anyone. He didn't, you two split. You were wrong to post your real self as a fake to spy on what he does, that is a waste of energy. You went no contact and found peace until you went looking for trouble. If you cannot handle someone's pet 100% walk away. If he is not affectionate it won't change - no more than someone going gay/lesbian/bi. That is who he is. You either accept this guy has the right to be who he is or you find someone with the list of preferences that like you, you can accept. Yes technically he didn’t cheat. But isn’t it wrong for him to also be with another woman while he’s trying to make it work with me? I was away during this time and he was emailing me to trying to find a common ground with me while also dating another girl. he didn’t hide any of it when I caught him he apologized a lot and said he was selfish and lonely and he wanted a back up incase he and I didn’t work out for good. He says he’s affectionate because he cuddles with me and holds my hands when we’re outside, and sleeps next to me and checks up on me daily. But his tone is robotic.. I want him to take pictures with me and do cute couple things like wear matching sneakers but he doesn’t want to Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 21 minutes ago, Orochilove said: Yes technically he didn’t cheat. But isn’t it wrong for him to also be with another woman while he’s trying to make it work with me? I was away during this time and he was emailing me to trying to find a common ground with me while also dating another girl. he didn’t hide any of it when I caught him he apologized a lot and said he was selfish and lonely and he wanted a back up incase he and I didn’t work out for good. He says he’s affectionate because he cuddles with me and holds my hands when we’re outside, and sleeps next to me and checks up on me daily. But his tone is robotic.. I want him to take pictures with me and do cute couple things like wear matching sneakers but he doesn’t want to Well, if you broke up with him, and you aren't happy with him, then he's free to do whatever the heck he wants to do, and by the way, so are you! You can't expect him to devote his entire life to you while you are off doing whatever you want to do. From what you've said, he might be better off without you, and you might need to find someone else as well. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Orochilove Posted May 27 Author Share Posted May 27 24 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Well, if you broke up with him, and you aren't happy with him, then he's free to do whatever the heck he wants to do, and by the way, so are you! You can't expect him to devote his entire life to you while you are off doing whatever you want to do. From what you've said, he might be better off without you, and you might need to find someone else as well. We broke up well he did mostly because he said I’ve always complained about him and that I broke up with him several times within a year. why do you say he’s better off without me? Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 The whole thing sounds weird and frankly I can't even follow it. Does not sound like an adult relationship. That said, people who are very attached to their pet often display "more" affection towards it, or express their affection differently with a pet than they do with a person even if they love the person. Think about it. Pets are completely safe and can give and receive love unconditionally. People are not like that. Especially people you are in the early stages of dating with AND to top it off are alway fighting. It's ok if you don't like pets, and especially since you feel jealous of a dog you definitely need to not date anyone who has a dog. I do think it is pretty sad for you to go to a place where you're anxious and fighting because the guy loves his dog though. It seems like your self esteem is not in a place where any relationship is going to work for you. And of course this guy is behaving in an unstable way - which has nothing to do with his beloved pet. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 3 hours ago, Orochilove said: We broke up well he did mostly because he said I’ve always complained about him and that I broke up with him several times within a year. why do you say he’s better off without me? My statement of "from what you've said, he might be better off without you, and you might need to find someone else as well" was intended to imply that both of you would benefit from going your separate ways. He, from what you've described, isn't affectionate enough towards you where you feel your needs are being met, and you have been trying to change him to meet those needs and change him into something he isn't. That's not fair to him. That's not fair for you. So you two can continue fighting, or you can both move on with your lives and find someone better suited for each of you. Your jealousy towards his dog is misplaced. He doesn't have romantic feelings for the dog. It's a dog. Kids and other young people and owners will always melt into goo around dogs. You're finding a way to fight unnecessarily there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 If you can't act like a mature adult, you aren't ready to date at all, let alone get back together with this guy. Your behavior has been childish and emotionally unbalanced. It's not normal behavior to create other accounts to stalk your ex and keep tabs on everything he is doing. It's also not normal behavior on his part to stalk you in the way that he has, showing up at your house and mailing you letters "every day". You both have some serious issues. And it's absurd that you accused him of cheating simply for seeing someone else after you had BROKEN UP. That's literally not cheating. You should be focusing on getting some therapy and learning to act like an adult before even thinking about getting into a relationship. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 Matching sneakers? Grown men don't want to wear matching sneakers with a woman, that's a bit childish. If you can't get along with his dog you're probably going to lose him anyway because the dog isn't going anywhere. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 11 hours ago, Orochilove said: last email he sent he said he wants to marry me and he’s suggesting we goto couple counseling because he cannot live without me. Ohhhhh please! 5 minutes ago he had a Russian girl sitting on his lap!! And he lived without you just fine. It didn't take him long to get lovey dovey with someone else either! The guy is all talk. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Orochilove Posted May 27 Author Share Posted May 27 2 hours ago, Alpacalia said: My statement of "from what you've said, he might be better off without you, and you might need to find someone else as well" was intended to imply that both of you would benefit from going your separate ways. He, from what you've described, isn't affectionate enough towards you where you feel your needs are being met, and you have been trying to change him to meet those needs and change him into something he isn't. That's not fair to him. That's not fair for you. So you two can continue fighting, or you can both move on with your lives and find someone better suited for each of you. Your jealousy towards his dog is misplaced. He doesn't have romantic feelings for the dog. It's a dog. Kids and other young people and owners will always melt into goo around dogs. You're finding a way to fight unnecessarily there. Oh I understand you didn’t mean anything bad I was curious on why you said that, that’s all. I’m sorry if I came off a different way. he said the same thing that he doesn’t love his dog like he loves me, then why can’t he love me more.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Orochilove Posted May 27 Author Share Posted May 27 2 hours ago, ShyViolet said: If you can't act like a mature adult, you aren't ready to date at all, let alone get back together with this guy. Your behavior has been childish and emotionally unbalanced. It's not normal behavior to create other accounts to stalk your ex and keep tabs on everything he is doing. It's also not normal behavior on his part to stalk you in the way that he has, showing up at your house and mailing you letters "every day". You both have some serious issues. And it's absurd that you accused him of cheating simply for seeing someone else after you had BROKEN UP. That's literally not cheating. You should be focusing on getting some therapy and learning to act like an adult before even thinking about getting into a relationship. I understand we’re broken up but how can he see someone so fast? All the while talking to me. He said he knows what he’s doing to the other girl is wrong but it’s how he feels. He said he’s willing to leave her for me if we can work out our relationship and come to a compromise and we’ll get married Link to post Share on other sites
Author Orochilove Posted May 27 Author Share Posted May 27 5 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Ohhhhh please! 5 minutes ago he had a Russian girl sitting on his lap!! And he lived without you just fine. It didn't take him long to get lovey dovey with someone else either! The guy is all talk. He says he’s fine but I know he isn’t. No way he’s ok writing me hand written letters and emails me daily :(. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 He's probably telling the Russian lady the same things he's telling you. Him saying this: 7 minutes ago, Orochilove said: He said he’s willing to leave her for me if we can work out our relationship and come to a compromise and we’ll get married This indicates that they ARE together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Orochilove said: I understand we’re broken up but how can he see someone so fast? All the while talking to me. I beleive it's called monkey branching. Go from one girl to the other one, making sure he won't end up without someone for 2 minutes. It's not *you* he wants, he wants someone to fill the spot. Exs are easier to get back with then to start with someone new. With someone new he'll have to make efforts for a few months, with you he can fall back into his old habits right away....no efforts, just have to send a few emails and letters. Edited May 27 by Gaeta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 (edited) 17 minutes ago, Orochilove said: I understand we’re broken up but how can he see someone so fast? All the while talking to me. He said he knows what he’s doing to the other girl is wrong but it’s how he feels. He said he’s willing to leave her for me if we can work out our relationship and come to a compromise and we’ll get married What a joke this guy is. He's negociating his return as if he's a gift from god to any woman. What he's doing to her, he'll do to you eventually, maybe he's doing it to her right now. Please tell me he's at least 6'4" with the body of an olympian! and works for NASA, and he comes with 4 summer houses. If not...please move on! Edited May 27 by Gaeta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted May 27 Share Posted May 27 56 minutes ago, Orochilove said: Oh I understand you didn’t mean anything bad I was curious on why you said that, that’s all. I’m sorry if I came off a different way. he said the same thing that he doesn’t love his dog like he loves me, then why can’t he love me more.. He said he doesn't love his dog like he loves you, so what more do you need? Again, you're measuring his love for you OVER A DOG! Link to post Share on other sites
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