Potential friend?

[Supernova11]

Hi all

So lets get into this! 😀 If you’ve seen my previous posts, you’ll know my pet peeve is unreliable people, people who are flaky, people who don’t communciate / let you know what’s going on.

Last July I met a woman and we got on amazingly well (note I’m also a woman, we’re both straight, she’s married, I’m single). One of the things which was a great coincidence is that we have both read around Epicurus a lot - Epicurus was a philosopher and one of his big themes was the importance of friendship. I almost gave her my number but held off feeling maybe it was a bit forced. Then we both got invited to a casual dinner party (this was about 6 weeks later) and again got on really well, so I offered my number. She seemed genuinely excited and we text a bit back on forth (normally I’m not much of a texter), and I left it with her to set a date to meet up.

That was end of August, well I didn’t hear anything from her until end of December (four months later) She text me saying she’d been ill (didn’t specify what or how long) and was hopefully almost over it and so then we could meet. I said sure let me know when you’re better.

Then I haven’t heard anything from her again until yesterday (five months later). Now she is saying that she’s finally finished her degree and she can meet again if I’m still up for it. 

It’s the lack of communication that gets me. In December she was saying we could meet hopefully soon because she has been ill, now almost 5 months later she is getting in contact this time saying that her degree has stopped her from reaching out. I would be ok if she said we couldn’t meet for a while because she had to focus on her degree but instead there has been silence. I realise people are different and this is maybe where we shouldn’t meet but if that was me, I definitely would have text the other person to say I was busy with the degree but I would be in touch, I wouldn’t have said nothing for 5 months.

The friend who hosted the dinner party said she found Lucy (not her real name) very nice but very busy. She also likes reliable non flaky people and she’d only been able to get Lucy over twice and two other invites Lucy and her husband had cancelled on the day both times due to illness - she honestly didn’t know if it was genuine or being flakey.

Even though I haven’t got to know her yet, my flake radar is on and I get a feeling…. 

I need to text her back but you know how texts can convey totally the wrong thing. In my world, I don’t think its ok that you say to someone that hopefully you can see them soon and then not contact them for 5 months, but I’m sure there will be people who think 5 months can be soon and there is nothing wrong with this at all.  I think if I do meet with her, I need to bring up that for me 5 months is not soon, and that’s going to be awkward as hell…..changing my mind on this one every five minutes guys….

 

 

 

Edited May 28 by Supernova11

[basil67]

Let's unpack this:  You met someone and thought they'd make a fine friend.  You gave your number and they accepted, but since then, you've discovered that they have a very busy life and are not making you a priority in their life.   This isn't the kind of friendship you're looking for.   

It's totally OK to want something different to what she's giving, but it's not OK to go telling a virtual stranger that you found her not living up to her words unacceptable.  If you do this, it won't just be awkward as hell, it would make you look needy and annoying. 

Instead, simply observe a person's actions and decide if who they are is what you want in your life.  If you can accept them how they are, then do so graciously.  If you cannot accept her for who she is, respond that you've got a few family priorities at present and will get back to her.  Then lose her number.

Edited May 28 by basil67

[NuevoYorko]

I think it's unfair to hang a label of "flake" on a person that you have only met twice because they are not at the same level of enthusiasm / prioritizing spending time with you as you are with them. 

I don't know how old you are, but in my adult life (I'm old) there are a lot of people I've hit it off with in a big way when we met, and when our life circumstances put us together again we fire off of each other just like we did the first time.  

There are also MANY people including one of my siblings with whom I've shared some very intense and close periods of life, insofar as spending time together goes.   Over the ebb and flow of time the getting together has also ebbed and flowed, and sometimes is not even existent.   Same goes for phone calls and texting outbursts - which still happen but not regularly, during these "ebbing" phases.

These people and I love each other deeply and none of us are having our expectations dashed or judging the other as a "flake."  

So ... hopefully you can stop judging based on what you are looking for out of a new friend.   Maybe you just would not be compatible as friends in real life because of vastly different expectations.  Also, maybe you can still have a good time chatting about Epicurious or whatever other common interests you share next time you are both at the same place at the same time.  Don't burn that bridge, if you'd find it life-enhancing to keep it in tact, by "calling her out" about not doing something "soon."

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, Supernova11 said:

The friend who hosted the dinner party said she found Lucy (not her real name) very nice but very busy. She also likes reliable non flaky people and she’d only been able to get Lucy over twice and two other invites Lucy and her husband had cancelled on the day both times due to illness - she honestly didn’t know if it was genuine or being flakey.

I think if you haven't heard from her in 5 months and she cancels again in another 5 months, obviously as your other friend said, she's extremely busy.  That doesn't work for you so just scratch her off your list and move on.  She's not available to you.  I don't think I would rely on a complete stranger anyway and certainly wouldn't be bothered about her.  I would just find someone else to chat about Epicurious with.

[Supernova11]

Yes I suppose the reason I was umming a bit was that she has finished her degree and I know she was working and doing the degree at the same time so that would legitimately give her more time but then my brother has been doing a phd and he sees family, has kids, does sports and sees friends so if someone wants to make an effort to know you then they will. Priorities, priorities. 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Supernova11 said:

Yes I suppose the reason I was umming a bit was that she has finished her degree and I know she was working and doing the degree at the same time so that would legitimately give her more time but then my brother has been doing a phd and he sees family, has kids, does sports and sees friends so if someone wants to make an effort to know you then they will. Priorities, priorities. 

Would it be really so bad to have a friend who you get on really well with but only see occasionally?   I'm not sure I understand why seeing each other frequently is compulsory for you to have a friend.  

[ShyViolet]

You are free to get in a huff and label her "flaky", but see where that attitude gets you.  It won't get you very far.  The truth is that this woman has a busy life, and she doesn't owe you anything.  It's perfectly normal for mature adults with busy lives not to hang out with friends very often.  If she hasn't lived up to your "expectations", that is your problem but it would be weird of you to call her out on it.  If you take that approach, she will steer clear of you after that and will be totally justified in doing so.

[NuevoYorko]

7 hours ago, Supernova11 said:

Yes I suppose the reason I was umming a bit was that she has finished her degree and I know she was working and doing the degree at the same time so that would legitimately give her more time but then my brother has been doing a phd and he sees family, has kids, does sports and sees friends so if someone wants to make an effort to know you then they will. Priorities, priorities. 

She probably also sees family, tends to her marriage, does sports or hobbies and sees friends.   Respectfully:  No matter how well you hit it off, how much of a priority do you expect to be to a person you just met two times?   I don't understand.  

Are you married, do you have a lot of friends, hobbies and a full life yourself?  I ask because no matter how great a connection people make when they are fortunate enough to meet a person with whom they click very well, it rarely translates into a situation with a sense of urgency about getting together to talk more and grow the friendship to another level.  This type of thing tends to happen more organically, if it is going to happen. 

Nobody has to be labeled in a disparaging way.

Edited May 29 by NuevoYorko

[justwhoiam]

Hi,

Just like you, I don't like flaky people. For example, a guy I knew started canceling at the last second after getting with his then-girlfriend. She was quite asocial. Once it was going to the movies, another time it was going out for a drink... no matter what the occasion, there was always an excuse. Eventually, we stopped inviting them both.

But I'll tell you this. Last year, I was invited to a birthday party. At the party, there were other couples. While talking, we found out that another couple was going to be home during a national holiday, so we decided to do something together. I saved her number on my phone, but then weeks went by, and I couldn't remember how I saved that number—by what name. I went through my entire contact list and couldn't find her. Then, luckily, I had a clue from reading one name. I called, and it was her. We met three times in total, but only once after we exchanged numbers. Now I have the same problem—I don't remember her name! So don't be too hard on people you only met once or twice!