Men and Video Games

[Fabulous40]

I’m a 40+ yr old woman and I’ve been dating a 40+ yr old guy for 2 yrs now.  We live about 2 1/2 hours from each other so only get to see one another on weekends.  My question is, would you have an issue with your man if on those moments you are able to spend time with one another, he still finds a need to play his video game even if you all are bonding and enjoying one another?  Granted he’s a great guy but the video gaming is excessive to me.  He plays every day during the week so it’s not like the weekend is his only time.  When he’s on there it’s hours at a time.  I don’t always have a problem with it when we visit one another but there are times when I’m expecting we will spend the rest of the evening together enjoying one another but next thing I know, here comes the “I have to get on the game at 10:00 to play “.  I have expressed this before and it turned into him being defensive so he knows it bothers me.  Again I have nothing against him playing the game, but it’s really a lot sometimes. Before anyone asks, I didn’t find out about the excessive gaming until a few months into us getting to know one another.  It wasn’t initially mentioned and once it was, I didn’t know it was this much.  He also has other hobbies so it’s not like this is the only thing that he gets to do and he has all the freedom he wants.  I’m not clingy at all.  I enjoy my personal time.  

[Weezy1973]

6 minutes ago, Fabulous40 said:

Before anyone asks, I didn’t find out about the excessive gaming until a few months into us getting to know one another.

The gaming seems excessive to you, but it’s not to him. Is the problem that you’d like to spend more time with him? Or is it specifically because he’s playing video games? Like if you spent the same amount of time together, but instead of video games he was doing some other hobby would you still be asking the question?

 

If it’s that you’d like to spend more time doing stuff together you have to talk to him and let him know. He can decide not to change anything of course. But then at least you know your choices. Accept him how he is or move on.

[Fabulous40]

Thanks for your response.  It’s more of when we are spending the bit of time we do get to see each other, I would prefer for the game to be put on hold.  I don’t mind the point that he plays the game but I would like for our time to be ours.  Yes, I would be concerned even with other hobbies since he has plenty of time to do them when I’m not around.  I participate with fishing and watching sports with him so we  do those things together when he’s not with his buddies.
 

This is an adjustment for me and I keep taking a step back making sure I’m not being unreasonable with my thoughts.  

Edited May 28, 2024 by Fabulous40

[Weezy1973]

1 minute ago, Fabulous40 said:

This is an adjustment for me and I keep taking a step back making sure I’m not being unreasonable with my thoughts.  

There is no right or wrong here. Your thoughts are perfectly reasonable. As is his wanting to play his game. Both are reasonable. Compromise is a key to any relationship as is communication. So communicating your thoughts to him and having a discussion is the next step. Just be prepared for him to not want to change anything. Or say he’ll change, change temporarily, and then revert back. Or he may just agree and let the game go while you’re spending time together. 
 

But you have to set the boundary for yourself. If he decides he wants to keep things as they are, is it a dealbreaker? 

[Fabulous40]

I agree with your response and it was perfect.  I’ve been thinking about this for quite a while and know there is another conversation that needs to be had and hopefully it doesn’t become confrontational.  lol  Dating after getting out of a 26 yr relationship has been interesting.  🥹

I appreciate your response.  

Edited May 28, 2024 by Fabulous40

[Gebidozo]

I used to be a total video game geek, played games for hours every day, wrote reviews, worked for a famous video game website for many years, and so on. It’s a great hobby that can, unfortunately, eat up way too much of your time and become somewhat of an addiction. 

I agree with you on this one, OP. I think your BF should definitely put the game on hold when he is spending time with you. It’s rather disrespectful and, to be honest, lame. He has a lot of time on his hands when he is alone and can play video games as much as he wants to. There is no reason why he can’t just put them aside during meetings with you.

[Gaeta]

I would not date a gamer, period. 

Your boyfriend is addicted to gaming and an addiction is not something you can put aside for a weekend. My boyfriend told me he was addicted to videogames a few years ago and because of that his marriage suffered a great deal and of course it interfered with his quality time with his children. He cut it all off and he will not touch it again. 

Look up videogames addiction. 

 

[Els]

4 hours ago, Fabulous40 said:

I’m a 40+ yr old woman and I’ve been dating a 40+ yr old guy for 2 yrs now.  We live about 2 1/2 hours from each other so only get to see one another on weekends.

When he’s on there it’s hours at a time. 

I'm a gamer and this would not be okay with me. It's one thing if you two live together and he wants to play for a few hours once or twice a week. Another thing entirely if you traveled 2.5 hours to see him for the weekend and he's spending a few hours of that small window of time playing games! That's just inconsiderate and unreasonable of him, IMO. From what you describe, I suspect that this is a commitment he's made (i.e. he's raiding with his friends at 10pm), but he needs to draw the line there and let his friends know ahead of time that he won't be attending.

Several years ago, I used to be in a situation where my partner and I could only see each other on weekends. There is no way I would ever have dreamed of wasting that precious weekend time on gaming by myself (if I'm playing with my partner, that's fine). At that time, I was in a guild that played fairly seriously, but I'd just tell them that I wasn't available to play on weekends.

If he isn't willing to see your point of view here, I think you should reconsider this relationship.

Edited May 28, 2024 by Els

[Fabulous40]

I can honestly say I agree with all of the response.  You all have made some very valid points.  I just mentioned it to him again.  We’ll see how this goes.  
 

Eventhough he’s a great guy, this disregard about how I feel and sufficient quality time will have me rethinking the relationship.  I’m not asking for him to stop playing video games or give up any of his hobbies, I just need the sufficient quality times together.  Other than that, I will eventually pull away and lose the bond we have.  I’ve allowed it to happen one too many times without actually saying something.  
 

Thanks again everyone. 😊

Edited May 28, 2024 by Fabulous40

[Lotsgoingon]

Be sure you understand that stopping video games for many people--not all--is really hard. He will need to embrace letting go of obsessive game playing---it cannot be you that is solely driving that change.

You can and reasonably should make clear what you want. Be really honest about how much time you want with him. Don't cut your desire simply to compromise. You compromise from the starting the position of what ideally you want. And then let him reply. For some habits and compulsions, it can be easier to make a big change than a little change. With the little change, the person often slides back to the full compulsion.  So I recommend you avoid the "just want a little time" thing. It's not just time you want. You also want presence. 

Maybe spend a few days keeping a journal for yourself ... recording the times when you would love him to be present and he's off playing games (or doing something else). And that will give you a sense of what's going on. My guess: for you to come here and post on this subject, he's likely playing games quite a lot. 

 

 

[Els]

14 hours ago, Fabulous40 said:

I’m not asking for him to stop playing video games or give up any of his hobbies, I just need the sufficient quality times together.  

That's a perfectly fair ask, IMO. Hope he comes around!

[Fabulous40]

17 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Be sure you understand that stopping video games for many people--not all--is really hard. He will need to embrace letting go of obsessive game playing---it cannot be you that is solely driving that change.

You can and reasonably should make clear what you want. Be really honest about how much time you want with him. Don't cut your desire simply to compromise. You compromise from the starting the position of what ideally you want. And then let him reply. For some habits and compulsions, it can be easier to make a big change than a little change. With the little change, the person often slides back to the full compulsion.  So I recommend you avoid the "just want a little time" thing. It's not just time you want. You also want presence. 

Maybe spend a few days keeping a journal for yourself ... recording the times when you would love him to be present and he's off playing games (or doing something else). And that will give you a sense of what's going on. My guess: for you to come here and post on this subject, he's likely playing games quite a lot. 

 

 

Good morning!

He plays everyday for hourssss at a time.  Since we do not live together it hasn’t been a huge issue for me.  My concern is with only being able to really see one another on the weekend, I feel we should get in as much quality time as possible and the game should be put on hold (my opinion).  For example, we can be watching a movie and vibing then out of the blue he says he needs to hop on the game to play his round.  Sometimes he’ll play 1 game  then other times he’s on the chat and it goes a couple hours and I’m looking like WTH.  I have voiced my concern several times before but I see it still happens…not all the time but enough.  All he heard is that I don’t like him gaming but that’s not it.  I don’t mind gaming, but it should be within reason.  
 

This is really my only major concern about the relationship but it bothers me enough that I needed some other input just wondering if I’m thinking too much into it.  I also think about, if it doesn’t get addressed now and we get married in the future, will we ever go to bed together and will many of our activities be scheduled around Madden.  

[Fabulous40]

23 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I would not date a gamer, period. 

Your boyfriend is addicted to gaming and an addiction is not something you can put aside for a weekend. My boyfriend told me he was addicted to videogames a few years ago and because of that his marriage suffered a great deal and of course it interfered with his quality time with his children. He cut it all off and he will not touch it again. 

Look up videogames addiction. 

 

I recently just got back into the dating game and this is the first time I’ve ever dealt with an actual gamer so I’m trying to adjust.  I can say once I found out how long he’s playing day after day, I got concerned.  Not only our quality time but It interferes with his sleep since he’s not going to bed until around 3 and 4 in the morning.  We’ll see how this goes.  Thanks for your input!

[Fabulous40]

On 5/28/2024 at 9:35 AM, Gebidozo said:

I used to be a total video game geek, played games for hours every day, wrote reviews, worked for a famous video game website for many years, and so on. It’s a great hobby that can, unfortunately, eat up way too much of your time and become somewhat of an addiction. 

I agree with you on this one, OP. I think your BF should definitely put the game on hold when he is spending time with you. It’s rather disrespectful and, to be honest, lame. He has a lot of time on his hands when he is alone and can play video games as much as he wants to. There is no reason why he can’t just put them aside during meetings with you.

Good morning!  Yes I agree with you.  I’m not asking for much.  I’m not judging him for being a gamer on top of the other hobbies, but 2 days out of a week shouldn’t hurt.  I’ve gone to bed upset a few times because he sees nothing wrong with it but this is the last effort I’m making.  

[Els]

3 hours ago, Fabulous40 said:

I also think about, if it doesn’t get addressed now and we get married in the future, will we ever go to bed together and will many of our activities be scheduled around Madden.  

Huh. I had no idea that anyone still plays Madden... 😅

Quote

 All he heard is that I don’t like him gaming but that’s not it.  

Have you tried telling him explicitly that it's not about the gaming but about the lack of quality time together?

If you have told him this and he's still being defensive, then it sounds like he's gaslighting you and pretending to miss your point because he just doesn't want to reduce his gaming hours for anything or anyone. Which brings us into addiction territory, sadly... and dating an addict of any kind is likely to not end well.

[Fabulous40]

2 hours ago, Els said:

Huh. I had no idea that anyone still plays Madden... 😅

Have you tried telling him explicitly that it's not about the gaming but about the lack of quality time together?

If you have told him this and he's still being defensive, then it sounds like he's gaslighting you and pretending to miss your point because he just doesn't want to reduce his gaming hours for anything or anyone. Which brings us into addiction territory, sadly... and dating an addict of any kind is likely to not end well.

lol yes, and he and his friends are on it everyday.  They have leagues so they are constantly playing against one another and this is a year round thing.  

I’ve told him a handful of times that it’s not the game but that’s all he keeps bringing up when we have this discussion.  Just told him again yesterday. IMO I’ve been more than understanding and flexible but I think he looks at it as if I’m trying to control him or he’s losing himself and that’s the furthest from the truth.  I’ve never demanded a thing.  I respectfully stated my thoughts and I have a right to do that.  
 

😏I promised myself that yesterday will be the last time I bring it up.  He will soon see that I’m serious about how I feel if it happens again.    I’m not off doing other things when he comes to my house (unless something out of the norm comes up) so I would like the same treatment/respect.  There needs to be some type of compromise.  
 

[BaileyB]

This sounds excessive to me. My partner has a favorite video game but it does not interfere with his work, his other hobbies and responsibilities, or our time together. He will play for maybe an hour a day - some days not at all. And, when we were dating I never knew him to decline any opportunity we had to spend time together to play his video game. 

[ShyViolet]

There's no way I would date a guy who spends hours a day playing video games.  That's a characteristic of a loser, I'm sorry.  And he even does it during the limited amount of time that you spend together..... that shows that he is so addicted to these video games that he can't focus on you during your time together.  I wouldn't put up with this. 

[basil67]

On 5/28/2024 at 11:10 PM, Fabulous40 said:

I’ve been thinking about this for quite a while and know there is another conversation that needs to be had and hopefully it doesn’t become confrontational

If you choose your words carefully, there's no need for it to become confrontational.   Make sure to avoid blame "You are always playing video games" and instead, tell him what you would like to happen "When I'm visiting with you, I feel (x) when you're doing a lot of gaming. I really enjoy spending time with you and would like us to spend quality time together.   If he denies that he's gaming too much, don't argue.  Simply tell him that you understand that the two of you have different perspectives and that you can't continue with him.

[Maldives]

On 5/28/2024 at 9:36 PM, Fabulous40 said:

I’m a 40+ yr old woman and I’ve been dating a 40+ yr old guy for 2 yrs now.  We live about 2 1/2 hours from each other so only get to see one another on weekends.  My question is, would you have an issue with your man if on those moments you are able to spend time with one another, he still finds a need to play his video game even if you all are bonding and enjoying one another?  Granted he’s a great guy but the video gaming is excessive to me.  He plays every day during the week so it’s not like the weekend is his only time.  When he’s on there it’s hours at a time.  I don’t always have a problem with it when we visit one another but there are times when I’m expecting we will spend the rest of the evening together enjoying one another but next thing I know, here comes the “I have to get on the game at 10:00 to play “.  I have expressed this before and it turned into him being defensive so he knows it bothers me.  Again I have nothing against him playing the game, but it’s really a lot sometimes. Before anyone asks, I didn’t find out about the excessive gaming until a few months into us getting to know one another.  It wasn’t initially mentioned and once it was, I didn’t know it was this much.  He also has other hobbies so it’s not like this is the only thing that he gets to do and he has all the freedom he wants.  I’m not clingy at all.  I enjoy my personal time.  

I too was a heavy gamer at one stage and boy did I tealise what a waste of one's time it is. I grew out of it and lucky to play half hr in a month. Not healthy I feel for you I kinda know where he's coming from but he just hasn't had that realisation yet what a waste of ones time it is. 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Simply tell him that you understand that the two of you have different perspectives and that you can't continue with him.

Exactly this. You’re setting a boundary for you to follow. Nothing really to do with him. If gaming is his passion and he doesn’t want to reduce the time he spends on it, so be it. It just means you’re not a match. 

[Gaeta]

On 5/28/2024 at 7:36 AM, Fabulous40 said:

“I have to get on the game at 10:00 to play “.

This is what teenage boys do and from a 40 yo + it screams addiction. I don't think boundaries will work with him, he's far too deep in it. It's too bad you didn't put your foot down right when you realized what was going on. You've been enduring this for 1 yr + so in his mind you've put up with it so far so why can't you anymore. 

It will be a hard lesson for him because he will lose you over this, I have no doubt if you give him an ultimatum he will pick gaming over you.

[Weezy1973]

20 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

This is what teenage boys do and from a 40 yo + it screams addiction.

Most 40 year olds have been playing video games since they were kids. If instead of video games he was spending the same amount of time reading books would you still call it an addiction? There is a stigma that women especially have against gaming for some reason. 

 

23 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I don't think boundaries will work with him, he's far too deep in it.

Clearly you have no clue what a boundary is. You set a boundary for yourself. You’re not changing someone else’s behaviour. You express your feelings, and then it’s up to them to change if they want, and if they don’t you leave. 

 

25 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It will be a hard lesson for him because he will lose you over this, I have no doubt if you give him an ultimatum he will pick gaming over you.

It’s not just gaming though; it’s how he socializes with his friends. And yes, he might indeed choose that over the OP. But he might not. The only way to know for sure is to discuss it with him.

[Gaeta]

22 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Most 40 year olds have been playing video games since they were kids. If instead of video games he was spending the same amount of time reading books would you still call it an addiction? There is a stigma that women especially have against gaming for some reason. 

This is not about how many hours he puts into this, it's about him not being able to control his urges to game while he's with her. 

 

22 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Clearly you have no clue what a boundary is. You set a boundary for yourself. You’re not changing someone else’s behaviour. You express your feelings, and then it’s up to them to change if they want, and if they don’t you leave. 

Isn't it what I said? I said I doubt he will change his behavior and she has to be ready to walk away. I certainly know we don't change or control people, when she already told him several times this makes her unhappy (that's what I call boundaries - her expressing this makes her unhappy) and he's doing nothing, then she has to walk away. 

Edited May 30, 2024 by Gaeta

[mark clemson]

I would note that some games nowadays involve teamwork/interactions between fellow players. So, for example if someone is a critical part of a team/league doing a "raid" or similar activity scheduled for a specific time, they might feel they "must" get on at that time or they are letting down a friend group.

If they "must" play at 10 pm to play a solo game, that's much more problematic IMO. The group commitment thing isn't THAT different from any other scheduled group hobby, and the way some online games are designed, the lack of a specific person playing their specific role creates problems for the group.

He may feel it's an important commitment/friend group, as you might e.g. if you were volunteering and had a specific role you were asked/expected to show up for.

Edited May 30, 2024 by mark clemson