Guy wants a second date but doesn't seem that interested?

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

I recently matched with a guy online (not someone I have posted about here before). He expressed a lot of interest in me prior to our first date. A manifestation of this was him constantly contacting me on a daily basis, enthusiastically.

We met for the first time for a coffee a few days ago. He expressed that he would really like to see me again afterwards, and I returned this mutual wish. He kept sending me lots of messages that day after we both came home, expressing his interest.

However since then, there seems to have been a drop in his interest. The only contact we have had has been initiated by me and these are met with slow replies from him that lack the enthusiasm he had prior to us meeting.

He did, however, ask me during these interactions about when we could meet for date number 2, and said he’d get back to me about a day I suggested. This was 2 days ago and I’ve not heard from him since then. I appreciate that 48 hours isn’t too long but in context, it is a contrast to the daily texting he used to initiate with me before our first date.

I am feeling unsure about whether I still want to go ahead with the second date if he gets back to me about it. In addition to the impression that the guy’s interest has waned, I also feel he might just be after something casual.

On his OLD profile, he has said he is looking for “a LTR but wouldn’t rule out a STR”. I only have “LTR” on mine and he had been the one to approach me, so hopefully he would have that in mind. 

Also, he had made a joke during our early communications when I told him that my work was getting less busy this season. He said “ooh that means you can now go on lots of dates with lots of people!”  which suggests that might be the kind of outlook that he himself has and what he wants to do, whereas I’m more monogamous in my dating ventures. When I’ve met up with someone who seems to share a mutual interest with me, I tend to focus on getting to know them better rather than seeing how many dates I can get..

He seems to have maintained an enthusiastic chase up until the point when I agreed to a second date and then seems to have gone cold. Almost as if he feels he can ‘relax’ now that he has me interested.

Is it time to throw in the towel?

 

Edited May 28 by babybrowns

[Alpacalia]

I dislike his comment  “ooh that means you can now go on lots of dates with lots of people!”

But I suppose it's par for the course with online dating -- he may be juggling a few plates himself.

All you can do is step back, you've suggested a day for a date and now he has to come back with the details.

[introverted1]

He's probably talking to and meeting other women.  Perhaps one has caught his eye.  Time will tell if he bothers to get back to you about your second date.  In the meantime you have nothing invested so keep on talking to other men. 

[babybrowns]

Thank you- in truth it is more that I am questioning whether to see him again even if he does want to finalise plans. I am not willing to entertain someone who is hot and cold and has me on rotation along with others. But then there is the aspect of a second date igniting more of a spark and interest that might lead him to wanting to invest more.

Modern dating!!

Edited May 28 by babybrowns

[FredEire]

45 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

He's probably talking to and meeting other women.  Perhaps one has caught his eye.  Time will tell if he bothers to get back to you about your second date.  In the meantime you have nothing invested so keep on talking to other men. 

Yes it sounds to me like he make have gone on another date which made him feel a bit lukewarm about his date with you previously.

But still I think a second date is a good idea to get a better sense of what's going on and see if the connection is still there.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

The only contact we have had has been initiated by me and these are met with slow replies from him that lack the enthusiasm he had prior to us meeting.

I agree he's probably seeing other people too and that's why the slow response.  Since you are the one doing the most contact I wouldn't do anymore.  Let him contact you to set up a date and if he doesn't just move on.  You should have asked him what he was looking for when you met him for coffee.  Don't spend so much time talking to them before you meet.

[Gaeta]

I would drop him. 

When I was online dating I only gave my attention to men that gave me their sustained attention. If I offered him a day for a 2nd date and I heard crickets for 48 hours then 'to me' he is not interested enough. Especially if he's met me already, I would find his 48 hours almost insulting. 

[Alpacalia]

There's no throwing in the towel here. He's either interested or not to plan a second date, express interest when he contacts you, or even before. His interest in you went from hot to lukewarm/cool...so what? There's no catch here.

People go on dates and 1 in 10 is followed through. The rest fade away after futile efforts and/or something better shows up. Don't make this anything about you. You don't know this person or the situation. Most people online dating are dating multiple people when they're single. They don't focus only on one person until they make a commitment.

[smackie9]

I tell you this...any guy that was truly interested in seeing me again, arranged for another date at the end of our first date or the next day...one guy had a single rose delivered to my door inviting me for another date. Don't settle for "I'll get back to you" or whatever lazy a$$ excuse....know your worth. Me personally wouldn't hold my breath or sit by the phone as they said in the olden days. The ball is in his court...keep your dance card full and move on. if he asks you out great, if not hopefully you will be on another date with someone more worthy. 

[ShyViolet]

10 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I recently matched with a guy online (not someone I have posted about here before). He expressed a lot of interest in me prior to our first date. A manifestation of this was him constantly contacting me on a daily basis, enthusiastically.

 

This means absolutely nothing.  Frankly it's a bit of a red flag if a guy doesn't know better than to get carried away like this with a person he has never met, who is a stranger to him.  The way he has interacted with you after meeting in person is the real indication of how he feels about you.

[Gaeta]

15 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

The way he has interacted with you after meeting in person is the real indication of how he feels about you.

Agree 100% with this. BB : he is showing you his level of interest after meeting. 

We're always saying look at their actions, not so much their words.

I would find someone else to go on a date with and forget this guy. Pleeeease do not contact him. 

[mortensorchid]

When people use internet dating sights, I would fully expect that person to meet a few people immediately.  I've also been in this game long enough to know that sometimes someone will come on very strong to you upon the first meeting and leave you (as the woman) thinking that he is interested in them.  And then ... You never hear a word from them again after you part ways.  Facts are facts here, and you must consider the 48 hour rule : If you haven' t heard from him within 48 hours after the first get together, you will never hear from him again 90% of the time.  He might reach out a few days later, you might even have a second get together with him, but he doesn't really care if you say yes to the second outing.  After the second outing, I promise you that you will never hear a word from him again.  

Don't take it too personally, it happens.  

[BaileyB]

14 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I am feeling unsure about whether I still want to go ahead with the second date if he gets back to me about it.

I would sit back and wait to see what he does - will he initiate the date and follow through or not. That will tell you a lot.

Two things I would not do - 

I would not be overly concerned about the drop in communication. It sounds like he is doing the slow fade, which is entirely his prerogative. Take his lack of communication for what what it very likely is - a lack of interest. And, continue on to live your own life. 

The other thing I would definitely not do is pressure him to tell you why he has suddenly lost interest. It’s neither a reflection of his character or your worth. You are not in a relationship with the man - it was one coffee date. Just let it go if he does not follow through without placing any expectations on the man and having the awkward conversation.

Edited May 29 by BaileyB

[Lotsgoingon]

Relax and move on. 

[babybrowns]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I would sit back and wait to see what he does - will he initiate the date and follow through or not. That will tell you a lot.

Two things I would not do - 

I would not be overly concerned about the drop in communication. It sounds like he is doing the slow fade, which is entirely his prerogative. Take his lack of communication for what what it very likely is - a lack of interest. And, continue on to live your own life. 

The other thing I would definitely not do is pressure him to tell you why he has suddenly lost interest. It’s neither a reflection of his character or your worth. You are not in a relationship with the man - it was one coffee date. Just let it go if he does not follow through without placing any expectations on the man and having the awkward conversation.

Thank you, Bailey for this and thank you to everyone else too. I have decided to not see this man again, whether or not he reaches out. It’s now been 3 days since his last communication and I would not expect this from a man who claims to be interested. Whether or not he expects all his options to be sitting waiting at his beck and call whenever it’s convenient for him to reach out to them in turn is another matter- I am not going to be involved in that game.

It’s a bit of a shame because as mentioned I am a very picky dater, and found someone after a while whom I seemed to share mutual interest/liking with. I genuinely thought that this would pan out a little more, atleast to a second date, not that he’d swiftly vanish in this way. If he does get back in touch I’ll be frank and tell him that I’m no longer interested. 

Thanks again everyone for your wise words 🌷 

Edited May 29 by babybrowns

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I would not expect this from a man who claims to be interested

*claimed.   Past tense.

He has not claimed interest after the end of the day of your first date.   I think it's been said before, but I will repeat for emphasis: person's actions speak much more loudly than their words

[babybrowns]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

*claimed.   Past tense.

He has not claimed interest after the end of the day of your first date.   I think it's been said before, but I will repeat for emphasis: person's actions speak much more loudly than their words

Given that I’ve already made a post stating how I’m not interested in seeing the guy again I find it odd how you add a further comment to this thread where you seem to be trying to rub in the guy’s disinterest. If you have read any of this thread you’d have seen that your comment is redundant, and I question the motive behind it if I’m honest.

I don’t think you even read all of my OP given your inaccurate conclusion of the timeline so let me elaborate a bit on this for you -

the day after the date he expressed a lot of interest in seeing me again (without me mentioning the idea) and asked me to name a day. Twice in fact. Yes I initiated the texting that morning with ‘Hope you slept well’ but he then took the lead on it and asked me how I am etc. 

It was after this conversation 3 days ago that it all went quiet 🦗 

Edited May 29 by babybrowns

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Given that I’ve already made a post stating how I’m not interested in seeing the guy again I find it odd how you add a further comment to this thread where you seem to be trying to rub in the guy’s disinterest. If you have read any of this thread you’d have seen that your comment is redundant, and I question the motive behind it if I’m honest.

I find it odd why you always feel the need to  call people out when they have done nothing wrong. There is a lot to be said for being kind and gracious - particularly on an online forum where people will post for days still about this discussion - even if you have made your decision and resolved it for yourself. basil’s post was not rude, but this was unnecessary…

Edited May 29 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

31 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

basil’s post was not rude, but this was unnecessary…

I second that. 

Babybrowns I know in the past it felt like people were ganging up on you but this isn't the case. Basil was just giving you an advice. The advice had been given already but a good advice is always worth repeating. We're with you, this guy is not worth waiting around. It's disappointing but don't give up, you will meet your someone. 

[Alpacalia]

Sorry BB. I know it's disheartening when you feel that the first date went so well and the signaled interest was really strong.

Just as an observation -- it sometimes can *appear* that the signs were glaring that he truly was interested. We can sometimes (unintentionally) ignore/hide/overlook all the small signs which would indicate that he himself might have not seen it that way, or that the interest was only fleeting/good enough while it lasted, or that he lost interest himself along the way.   

Sometimes he doesn't know yet on his end he lost interest. 

The best that interest up to this date was -- projection. Be aware that maybe they are projecting something different and finding out they got someone else who showed up (the real you) and it was not what they wanted and they don’t feel moved to anything further.

People are mysterious. Sometimes it just happens that way. It's disappointing, but there's no guarantee that projection lasts once the real deal comes out to play.

I'm sorry his interest wasn't the real deal. Hugs!

[FredEire]

50 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Sorry BB. I know it's disheartening when you feel that the first date went so well and the signaled interest was really strong.

Just as an observation -- it sometimes can *appear* that the signs were glaring that he truly was interested. We can sometimes (unintentionally) ignore/hide/overlook all the small signs which would indicate that he himself might have not seen it that way, or that the interest was only fleeting/good enough while it lasted, or that he lost interest himself along the way.   

Sometimes he doesn't know yet on his end he lost interest. 

The best that interest up to this date was -- projection. Be aware that maybe they are projecting something different and finding out they got someone else who showed up (the real you) and it was not what they wanted and they don’t feel moved to anything further.

People are mysterious. Sometimes it just happens that way. It's disappointing, but there's no guarantee that projection lasts once the real deal comes out to play.

I'm sorry his interest wasn't the real deal. Hugs!

Yes, agree with this.

In my experience things like leaving messages on read for hours or getting annoyed about small comments indicates things aren't all that they seem, even if the person is otherwise very interested and engaged. It's not something you should just ignore even if in the moment they seem to want to spend time with you and it usually translates eventually to disinterest or a disagreement after a while.

[ShyViolet]

6 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Given that I’ve already made a post stating how I’m not interested in seeing the guy again I find it odd how you add a further comment to this thread where you seem to be trying to rub in the guy’s disinterest. If you have read any of this thread you’d have seen that your comment is redundant, and I question the motive behind it if I’m honest.

Geez, what is your problem?  You keep getting so defensive towards people on here.  If you are this sensitive then maybe posting your question on a public forum isn't for you.

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

*claimed.   Past tense.

He has not claimed interest after the end of the day of your first date.   I think it's been said before, but I will repeat for emphasis: person's actions speak much more loudly than their words

Basil is right!  It's "claimed" not claim.

[justwhoiam]

On 5/28/2024 at 1:55 PM, babybrowns said:

[...] We met for the first time for a coffee a few days ago. [...] He kept sending me lots of messages that day after we both came home, expressing his interest.

However since then, there seems to have been a drop in his interest. The only contact we have had has been initiated by me and these are met with slow replies from him that lack the enthusiasm he had prior to us meeting.

He did, however, ask me during these interactions about when we could meet for date number 2, and said he’d get back to me about a day I suggested. This was 2 days ago and I’ve not heard from him since then. I appreciate that 48 hours isn’t too long but in context, it is a contrast to the daily texting he used to initiate with me before our first date.[...]

Is it time to throw in the towel?

Everything has already been said, and it looks like you've made your decision. Most people here were probably right about this guy. However, I wonder if there's a slight chance his phone broke, or he got nervous about a second date. There's a very slim chance he wanted to plan a good date after the first one was pretty low-effort. Maybe he had a prior commitment he was trying to get out of, didn't know where to take you, or the place he wanted was fully booked and he's on the waitlist. One thing's for sure, he was excited after your first date, but that dropped off in the next few days. Maybe he met someone else and decided to focus on her, maybe something happened in his life, or he has mental issues and goes through highs and lows.

On 5/28/2024 at 3:10 PM, babybrowns said:

I am not willing to entertain someone who is hot and cold and has me on rotation along with others. But then there is the aspect of a second date igniting more of a spark and interest that might lead him to wanting to invest more.

I get your point. He might be a player. To avoid ending up in this situation again, try not to agree to low-effort dates like just meeting for coffee. I know this might mean passing on some genuinely good guys, but it’ll help you steer clear of the players who are also low on cash. Also, consider agreeing to dates on the weekend. Players often have multiple dates during the week, but they'll likely reserve the weekend for women they really don't want to lose.

On 5/29/2024 at 11:37 AM, babybrowns said:

[...] If he does get back in touch I’ll be frank and tell him that I’m no longer interested.

If you're totally sure he's out of the picture now, you can block him. If you're curious to see if he'll ever come back, then ignoring his message is the best move. Give him a taste of his own medicine.

22 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Given that I’ve already made a post stating how I’m not interested in seeing the guy again I find it odd how you add a further comment to this thread where you seem to be trying to rub in the guy’s disinterest. If you have read any of this thread you’d have seen that your comment is redundant, and I question the motive behind it if I’m honest.

1. No one here is trying to make you feel bad. Most people just want to genuinely help out.

2. Like others have said, people can still share their thoughts or advice even after you've made your decision.

3. Different opinions aren’t usually redundant. They add a variety of perspectives and might help others in similar situations who read this thread later on, whether that's in a couple of months or even years from now.

Edited May 30 by justwhoiam

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

Thank you for your further thoughts and inputs, I really appreciate it. I unmatched the guy from the site and blocked his number too; with radio silence eating into 4 days from someone who had told me how keen he was to see me again, it felt like the most reasonable thing to do.

I can’t help but have a little doubt in my mind though as to, during the entire association I have had with this man from the moment he first approached me on the dating site, most of the contact had been initiated by him.

He was always the one to text me, to demonstrate enthusiasm, even to express excitement about having met me after our date, whereas I was simply the ‘responder’ saying a lot of “you too!”’s. I was equally excited back about him but it was more in response to him expressing his towards me that I expressed mine towards him. I didn’t want to go overboard and appear too keen.

I wonder if that had anything to do with why he went quiet; was he trying to see whether I initiate more than I had been doing from my end, to see if I am genuinely interested in him beyond a “you too”?

As mentioned, I did initiate the chat the day after the date ( he had initiated the chat after the date itself that evening). My way of initiating was just a “morning, hope you slept well!”. And then he followed this with questions about how I am, when I’d like to meet again, etc.

I am hoping that the demise of this dating opportunity wasn’t just a misunderstanding on his part about my level of interest?! If it were the case, I’d feel terrible, having now unmatched the guy and blocked his number!! It really was lovely to have met this person and I do hope he genuinely did lose interest, which would justify my blocking him and not seeing him for the second date rather than it being something I did inadvertently from my end.  🤔

It is worth mentioning that the guy didn’t lose his phone; during the silent time lapse he did keep watching my story updates on WhatsApp. So he definitely had full enough access to his phone to also text me during that gap, which he chose not to do.

Edited May 31 by babybrowns