Am I getting boring to him?

[K8tDyal90]

So when we first started "talking" we texted 24/7 and he was always and I mean always telling me how amazing I was and how he needed and most importantly wanted me in his life. He would tell me how happy he is now that I am in his life and that I give him reason to smile and be happy again!! Well here we are now 4 years into a whirl wind of a relationship, and I can't remember when he has told me any of these things. Yes he randomly tells me that he loves me and he will randomly kiss me and give me sweet little touches here and there but the "can't keep our hands off of each other" thing is history!! someone please let me know that it's normal for these things to lesson and that he isn't bored with me!!! I feel like I'm not what he wants or needs anymore and it really messes with my self esteem. I NEED ADVICE!!!!

[NuevoYorko]

So the majority of your 4 year relationship he has not been fulfilling to you in any way?  

What is your relationship like?  What has held you together for 4 years?

 

[Gaeta]

49 minutes ago, K8tDyal90 said:

So when we first started "talking" we texted 24/7 and he was always and I mean always telling me how amazing I was and how he needed and most importantly wanted me in his life. He would tell me how happy he is now that I am in his life and that I give him reason to smile and be happy

This cannot be sustained for years. There is laundry to do, jobs to concentrate on, family issues to attend. Yes it is normal for the honeymoon phase to subside but it should be replaced by something equally rewarding like kindness, affection, connection, a deeper love and respect.

You said he tells you he loves you, kissses you, shows affection, l'm not sure l understand what's missing? Are you still intimate?  There must be something else.

 

[Gebidozo]

It’s completely normal that after 4 years of relationship people say such heavy romantic things less frequently. You’re saying he would still say that he loves you and be affectionate with you. What more do you want him to do, specifically? 

Is it about sex? What’s happening, exactly?

[K8tDyal90]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

This cannot be sustained for years. There is laundry to do, jobs to concentrate on, family issues to attend. Yes it is normal for the honeymoon phase to subside but it should be replaced by something equally rewarding like kindness, affection, connection, a deeper love and respect.

You said he tells you he loves you, kissses you, shows affection, l'm not sure l understand what's missing? Are you still intimate?  There must be something else.

 

we have sex once or twice every month month and a half but he watches porn and does his thing every chance he gets like sneaking off to the bathroom or even doing it beside me while I'm sleeping and when I ask him why he says he has no sex drive but what I don't understand is isn't wanting to watch porn and get yourself off a sex drive??

[K8tDyal90]

6 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

It’s completely normal that after 4 years of relationship people say such heavy romantic things less frequently. You’re saying he would still say that he loves you and be affectionate with you. What more do you want him to do, specifically? 

Is it about sex? What’s happening, exactly?

we have sex once or twice every month month and a half but he watches porn and does his thing every chance he gets like sneaking off to the bathroom or even doing it beside me while I'm sleeping and when I ask him why he says he has no sex drive but what I don't understand is isn't wanting to watch porn and get yourself off a sex drive??

[K8tDyal90]

7 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

So the majority of your 4 year relationship he has not been fulfilling to you in any way?  

What is your relationship like?  What has held you together for 4 years?

 

yes he makes me the happiest as I've ever been or could wish to be, it's just that certain things that he does and says have changed but yet I'll catching him giving "that look" to my one of my friends and openly flirting with her in my face like I'm not even there these things changed when I gain (much needed I WAS in active addiction) weight and lost my teeth (their being fixed now) I cant help to feel like I'm not what he wants anymore and up until the last I would say two months we have had respect, honesty, trust, understanding and all the key things you should have in a relationship, I do struggle with self esteem issues because of the weight and teeth as is it just made it more of a reason for him not wanting me anymore when everything stopped!! Am I overthinking this??? should I take a step back and think about the fact that he's still with me for a reason and my looks don't change his feelings towards me?? I'm deep down driving myself crazy about this I just love this man with everything in me and my biggest fear is losing him for ANY reason!!!

[Gebidozo]

8 minutes ago, K8tDyal90 said:

we have sex once or twice every month month and a half but he watches porn and does his thing every chance he gets like sneaking off to the bathroom or even doing it beside me while I'm sleeping and when I ask him why he says he has no sex drive but what I don't understand is isn't wanting to watch porn and get yourself off a sex drive??

Of course he has a sex drive, he just doesn’t want to have sex with you. Passion normally subsides after a few years, but not to the extent of craving porn significantly more than your partner’s body. Something is wrong.

Either you have serious relationship problems that are negatively affecting his physical attraction to you, or he just lost it. If it’s the first, you guys need to work on ways to mend the relationship and rekindle the romance. If it’s the second, he has fallen out of love with you and the best thing would be to break up.

[Gaeta]

5 hours ago, K8tDyal90 said:

I do struggle with self esteem issues because of the weight and teeth as is it just made it more of a reason for him not wanting me anymore when everything stopped!! Am I overthinking this??? should I take a step back and think about the fact that he's still with me for a reason and my looks don't change his feelings towards me?? I'm deep down driving myself crazy about this I just love this man with everything in me and my biggest fear is losing him for ANY reason!!!

I am so sorry you are going through this. 

He is not being honest with you when he says he has no sex drive. It's hard to work on a relationship when one won't open up. I would tell him you 2 need a good honest conversation about your lack of intimacy and you need a plan on taking this back on track or, although it's the last thing you want, you will have to leave because current situation has been making you unhappy for too long now. If he's feeding you the same old 'no sex drive' then leave. You will be just fine & you will find happiness again with a better partner.

A woman's body will go through several transitions in her life through child birth, illnesses, hormonal changes, and if his love can't deal with it then you need someone to love you better. 

[NuevoYorko]

Was your weight gain / loss and loss of your teeth associated with you practicing an active addiction that you were practicing while in this relationship?

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, K8tDyal90 said:

I do struggle with self esteem issues because of the weight and teeth as is it just made it more of a reason for him not wanting me anymore when everything stopped!!

Well since you are in the process of getting your teeth done what are you doing about your weight?

[NuevoYorko]

I'm thinking that if you, OP, have been dealing with your addiction (whether food, drug, or other) during the course of this relationship, of course it will have had a serious impact on the path the relationship has taken.  

If you have been in extremely poor health, which loosing all your teeth indicates, this also would have a big influence on the relationship -

And, also, if you and your partner both had addiction issues together and either one or both of you have been working on those problems - that ALSO will make things extremely difficult.

Can you please explain more about what is going on?   

 

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, K8tDyal90 said:

yes he makes me the happiest as I've ever been or could wish to be, it's just that certain things that he does and says have changed but yet I'll catching him giving "that look" to my one of my friends and openly flirting with her in my face like I'm not even there these things changed when I gain (much needed I WAS in active addiction) weight and lost my teeth (their being fixed now) I cant help to feel like I'm not what he wants anymore and up until the last I would say two months we have had respect, honesty, trust, understanding and all the key things you should have in a relationship, I do struggle with self esteem issues because of the weight and teeth as is it just made it more of a reason for him not wanting me anymore when everything stopped!! Am I overthinking this??? should I take a step back and think about the fact that he's still with me for a reason and my looks don't change his feelings towards me?? I'm deep down driving myself crazy about this I just love this man with everything in me and my biggest fear is losing him for ANY reason!!!

How can he make you the happiest you could wish for when he's looking lustful at your friends and flirting with them right in front of your face because you've gained weight?  Yes factors like weight and poor dental health can change the attraction your partner has for you.

[smackie9]

 You know it's about your health etc...so obviously you need to get back to normal before he does. 

[K8tDyal90]

5 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I'm thinking that if you, OP, have been dealing with your addiction (whether food, drug, or other) during the course of this relationship, of course it will have had a serious impact on the path the relationship has taken.  

If you have been in extremely poor health, which loosing all your teeth indicates, this also would have a big influence on the relationship -

And, also, if you and your partner both had addiction issues together and either one or both of you have been working on those problems - that ALSO will make things extremely difficult.

Can you please explain more about what is going on?   

 

When I moved in with him Dec 8 2020 I left a very very bad environment and came to a clean healthy one so when I got here I was still using so was he and we would fight really bad and even get physical I left him and went back to where I was before 2 different times the 2nd time I was gone for 2 weeks and strung out didn't sleep even have a stroke because of the drugs and heartbreak finally after 2 weeks he talked me into letting him come get me and bring me home so when he got there with a friend that brought him of course I have some of the drug still and we looked at each other and said that we truly love each other and if this was going to work and be good then we would have to stop. so I turned to the friend and gave him what I had and told my Joseph (my bf) that I truly loved him and that I would do whatever it took to have a relationship that healthy and happy with him and that I would NOT touch the stuff again so......... neither one of us has used since. really I overthink every single thing in my life and I have servere PTSD and I know I have been thinking too hard into this really I just needed some advice because I have no one other than Joseph and his family I don't have any friends because everyone uses so I keep everything in and that's the worst thing for me to do! thank you for ANY input into this seriously and if you want to know anything else that would help you better understand our relationship ect the just ask I am an open book I'll tell you whatever as long as I can get some kind of peace of mind!! again thank you!!

[stillafool]

(((HUGS))), you've been through a lot.  Keep staying off the drugs and getting your teeth healthy.  Try to exercise, even if it's just walking, to relieve stress ad help you lose weight.  Cut back on your food intake.  You just take this one day at a time and one step at a time and you'll make it to the other side.  We are here to talk to you, advise you and listen to you.  You can even open a thread to just vent with no replies if you want.  You're going to be okay.

Edited May 29 by stillafool

[Gaeta]

My heart goes to you 🩷

Have you joined NA ? You will find there moral support, you'll have a sponsor you can reach to, and you will find there friends that are going through the same struggles.

I think it's safe to say boyfriend has lost sexual attraction because of this but it can come back with you continuing taking care of yourself. 

If attraction does not come back then it was not meant to be. Maybe this bf was put on your path to help you get to the next phase of your life and better bigger things are waiting for you.

[NuevoYorko]

I second the suggestion to visit NA.   Keep taking care of yourself. You are so worth it.  And congratulations on your clean and sober time!

[stillafool]

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[K8tDyal90]

On 5/29/2024 at 2:56 AM, Gebidozo said:

Of course he has a sex drive, he just doesn’t want to have sex with you. Passion normally subsides after a few years, but not to the extent of craving porn significantly more than your partner’s body. Something is wrong.

Either you have serious relationship problems that are negatively affecting his physical attraction to you, or he just lost it. If it’s the first, you guys need to work on ways to mend the relationship and rekindle the romance. If it’s the second, he has fallen out of love with you and the best thing would be to break up.

he is also on a lot of mental health meds and I know that that can effect the sex drive too/! he says that he's still attracted to me and he's the type of man that if he's not attracted to you then he's not going to be with you idk maybe it's just a faze and it will change once I get myself back ya know. I hope so anyways Im going to give it a little more time and get myself right and if things don't change then we'll then I'm going to change them myself I think that's what will be best. don't you think??