Should I go through with no contact or is it the right decision?

[HopelessNick]

I was together with my ex-girlfriend exactly 12 months ago and broke up 6 months ago and went no contact yesterday. I'm 28, she's 26.

TOGETHER:

When we were together, everything was absolutely wonderful between us. We loved each other so much and when we were together, it felt just right. We always said that if we loved each other, then that's all that mattered. I put everything into her and she did the same. We were colleagues, but I worked on weekends and we lived an hour away from each other though. She would work from home on my days off (Tuesday and Wednesdays) and I'd spend those two days at her house with her parents.  

PROBLEMS / BREAKUP:

However, she's an extremely outgoing person, while I'm extremely quiet and introverted and shy and still "a boy" in her words. I know I need to be, but more importantly WANT to be more louder, more social and talk more (because it would help with my career goals), but it's a struggle and she helped me a lot with it. I also have a bad sleeping pattern for about 8 years which is hard to change, but she didn't understand (3/4am to 1pm when I don't have to work). I saved her life because she had a history of abuse and addictions and she didn't think anyone could love her like I did and I helped her overcome them. She revived me because I have just existed and not lived my whole life alone and now I know what it's like to have someone.  

However, it all became too much for her because she felt like she was babysitting me and couldn't do it anymore because she had too much stress going on (mortgage coming up, hating her job, distance, missing friends in another state, and a lack of freedom because she lives with her parents and wants to move out but feels like she has to be there for her parents. Outside noise had a lot to do with it. Her friends and family all questioned why she would love someone like me and she too said it didn't make sense but when we were together, it just felt right and that nothing mattered. However, the outside noise got to her too and she couldn't do it anymore. 

Her official reason was "It's not the right time. We both have a lot of growing up to do. I thought if I love you and you love me, then that's all that matters, but it's not the case for me anymore. I'm still in love with you, but I can't do it anymore. At the moment, family and friends are my life and sport is your life. Maybe we'll get back together one day, but you'll have to be more social, more outgoing, have more of a social life and be at a job you want. I know you want to be better and I know you know it's best for you too, and I can't wait to see the person you become. I'm going to just have to be your supporter for now." 

POST BREAKUP:

She resigned from the job so we wouldn't see each other at work every day and chose to be unemployed while looking for another job. We were basically best friends though after the breakup for 6 months (and she still calls me her best friend today). Throughout out that time we kept telling each other how proud we were of each other. I made a promise - which still stands today - that I would become the person we both know I want to be and when that happens, she'd be the very first person I'd ever ask out again. For the next 6 months, every time I allude or joke about us getting back together, her words are always "maybe one day". 

For the first 2 months, we'd still Facetime every night and we'd spend some nights in hotels together, but we kept it a secret so we wouldn't be judged. 

Then her nan passed away at the start of the 3rd month and she said that put everything into perspective. She said still loved me so much and she'd do anything for me and cared about me so much, but she wasn't in love with me anymore and wasn't in love with me for a while but hadn't realised. When I alluded about us getting back together, she still said "maybe one day".  I went No Contact Attempt Number One so that I could become ok with not having her when she didn't want to and I failed after a day or so because I couldn't bear not hearing from her and knowing how she was.

She then got a new job and for the next month, we still talked the same amount, but only Facetimed once or twice a week and only spent a total of 1 night in a hotel together because we didn't have enough time. She also didn't want her parents to ask her who she was talking to on the phone every night (which happened a lot in the past). She was also ready to see other people if the opportunity arose. She wasn't seeking someone, but if it chance was there, she'd try. She went on dates with 2 people, but nothing happened. It hurt so much that I tried to go No Contact Attempt Number Two after date one when she didn't want to again. By the way, every time I told her I'd go no contact, we Facetimed and said our goodbyes both in hysterics.  Once again, I backed out of no contact the next day or so and she put her foot down and said I needed to stop trying to go no contact because it wouldn't work and I told her I wouldn't do it again. 

Might add I still alluded about us getting back together, said my promise of asking her out one day still stood and her answer was still "maybe one day". 

For the next 2 months, she became very busy at work, made friends with them, and hardly had time to see me. We still messaged every day, but no more calls or FaceTimes. We spent 3 nights together in the 2 months and every time, it was because she missed me or was going through a tough time.  

Now to the 6th and final month (May). She became even more busy and messaged me less and less. She said she had to stop relying on me because I was her ex. I told her looking after her was my favourite thing to do in the world and she said she knew, but it wasn't fair on me. We didn't spend a single night together all month. I asked her why she was becoming more distant and she said her friends, family and work was consuming her and she was trying to move on. She said I was very high on her priority list, but she couldn't justify traveling an hour to see me, spending money on hotels, or having to explain to her parents she was still talking to me on the phone at night.

NO CONTACT NUMBER THREE:

Yesterday, I asked if she still wanted to be my friend because it didn't feel like it anymore. She said she still wanted me in her life but it would have to be from a distance for now. She said things would be different if I lived near her. She couldn't justify hanging out with me instead of her friends who live close by. She once again said she had to rely on other people other than her ex.

So we were just basically going to send the odd messages every now and then, at least for now. 

That was when I decided to go No Contact Number Three indefinitely (through FaceTime) and never talk to her again until/if I became the person we both wanted me to be. I told her I had to be able to talk to her more and see her every now and then. Otherwise, I'd feel like a statue who could only see what she was doing. She said she was sorry she couldn't for now. I asked if I should go no contact because there's no point in being able to only hear from her from time to time. She said we'd talk less, but there was no need to stop messaging completely. She still wanted to be able to reach out to me and vice versa, but then she couldn't win. She felt she'd hurt me if she left or stayed. 

I have no idea if this is true, but I said to her, "I think if we keep this going, I'm just going to be constantly hurt having access to you but not being able to do anything about it. But if we cut each other out, I think it'll be like ripping the bandaid off. I'd be in so much pain for a long time, but then it'd eventually go away. I said I know myself and that if we go no contact until I'm ready, then I'll fall back to square one as soon as I took one look at her because she's the love of my life."

She cried and nodded and said we had our answer. We said our goodbyes in hysterics again. 

FINAL PROMISES:

I asked her if she was sure and she said yes. I made her promise me that she would block me. She said she couldn't, so I made her promise to never contact me again and that if I slipped up and messaged her again, she would ignore it. We decided that I would only reach out to her again one day if I became the person we both know I could be and she "No. You're going to reach out WHEN, not IF. Promise me that". I said ok and reminded her that she'd be the very first person I'd ever ask out when I became that person and she said I had no idea how happy she was, but she couldn't make any guarantees she'd say yes. She said "maybe one day" and made me promise that if she rejected me I would keep going. We thanked each other for everything we did for each other and hanged up. 

TONIGHT / QUESTIONS:

Tonight, there was a house fire down the street and it really put everything into perspective for me. There's so much more important things in life than just a breakup. 

The owner was in hysterics because she lost everything and I was trying to soothe her the whole time. The house was everything to her just like my ex is everything to me. She means the world to me and I know I mean a lot to her too. We've been through so much. I don't want to lose her because it kills me and I know it kills her too. I'm starting to think not having her at all is worse than only being to watch her live her life from afar?

Maybe I was wrong to go no contact?

Maybe if we're still in each other's lives, even if it means from a distance, it's better than not having each other at all?

Maybe I'll be able to get over having her from afar with more time?

Maybe I should go no contact for a little bit and reach out? 

Maybe I should tell her about the fire and see what she says?

I don't know what to do!

[HopelessNick]

She's ignoring me now. I don't know if she's angry at me or keeping the promise I made her keep. This is what I sent her. What do you think?

"

I think I f***ed up and made the wrong decision bub. There was a house fire down the street tonight and it put everything into perspective. I love you so f***ing much and I'm so f***ing sorry for hurting you by leaving you. The owner was in hysterics because she lost everything and I was trying to soothe her the whole time. The house was everything to her just like you are everything to me. You mean the world to me and I know I mean a lot to you too. We've been through so much and I don't want to lose you because it kills me and I know it kills you too. I’ve realised not having you at all is worse than only being to watch you live your life from afar. The way I see it, it is a privilege for me to still have you want me in your life in some capacity.

I love you so f***ing much as a person and everything that comes with you. It took a fire and someone losing their home to make me realise all that. I've always known that no one who ever comes into my life will have more of an impact than you ever will. Aside from thinking it'd be easier for me to leave you, I felt like I wouldn't be adding any value to your life if I stayed. I was wrong on both counts. Seeing the lady lose her home tonight showed me I do add value to your life just by being there. I gave you a letter in the hotel once, saying "I'd always be there for you and expect nothing in return." I mean it because I love you so f***ing much bub. You choosing not to rely on me is your prerogative (I know you love that word), but I will never not be there if you ever need and I don't expect you to be there for me if I need. Like I said, I feel so special having you still want me in your life in some capacity

I love you so f***ing much as a person and everything that comes with you. It took a fire and someone losing their home to make me realise all that. I've always known that no one who ever comes into my life will have more of an impact than you ever will. Aside from thinking it'd be easier for me to leave you, I felt like I wouldn't be adding any value to your life if I stayed. I was wrong on both counts. Seeing the lady lose her home tonight showed me I do add value to your life just by being there. I gave you a letter in the hotel once, saying "I'd always be there for you and expect nothing in return." I mean it because I love you so f***ing much bub. You choosing not to rely on me is your prerogative (I know you love that word), but I will never not be there if you ever need and I don't expect you to be there for me if I need. Like I said, I feel so special having you still want me in your life in some capacity

I am on my way to being the person you see in me and until I become that person, you will always be my best friend. After that, who knows, but for now, I see you as my best friend.  Thank you so f***ing much for loving me the way you do/did.  I know I told you to ignore me, but I'll leave it up to your discretion

 

[basil67]

I don't know what method you used to send it, but if she hasn't seen it, do you still have the option to delete it? 

The F bombs don't do you any favours. And if you really cared, it wouldn't have taken a house burning down to make you realise this.  Plus, you duplicated the second and third paragraphs.   And you didn't say what it was that you f'd up.  Though you do get bonus points for the correct spelling of 'prerogative'.   

Thing is, she broke up with you, so it doesn't matter what epiphany you've just had, she's made her decision.  

Anyway, if you can't delete it, you can view the messages as being cathartic. 

Edited May 29, 2024 by basil67

[HopelessNick]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

And if you really cared, it wouldn't have taken a house burning down to make you realise this. 

And you didn't say what it was that you f'd up.   

Thing is, she broke up with you, so it doesn't matter what epiphany you've just had, she's made her decision.  

She wants me in her life but that's it for now because of the distance. I told her I could, but it would hurt me constantly because she'd be there as a reminder of what I want but hardly have. I thought letting her go would still hurt like hell, but only be temporary. She immediately said "then you have to let me go. I can't hurt you anymore". She knows all this. The fire made me realise I was wrong. Letting her go is worse than just being in her life. 

I f'd up by making the decision to leave her and not stay. 

Its not about the breakup anymore. It's about remaining friends and in each other's lives because we saved each other

[basil67]

Ah, so it's about staying in her life.  

Unfortunately, being friends only has a chance of working if you don't love her.   It's going to tear you to pieces seeing her move on and love a new man.  Honestly, it would only be a matter of time before a new partner for her would have you jettisoned from her life.    Turn it around: if you got a new girlfriend and her ex, who still loved her, was very much a part of her life, would you be OK with it.

If she has an ounce of sense, she will read how much love you hold and will know that a friendship can't work between the two of you

I'm sorry.  I know this isn't what you want to hear....but neither do you want to prolong your own pain

[assertives]

You can't be friends with her because you still love her and obviously want more than friends. Otherwise, you would be ok with that odd messages every once in a while, occasional facetime once in a while/meetup once in a while dynamic. Especially with a friend that lives long distance. Your expectations from her and in turn disappointment are towards a relationship dynamics of a girlfriend/romantic interest. Until you can be sincerely ok and happy for her when she dates other people, you are not ready for a friendship with her. So no contact is the right thing to do. As it will help you heal and move on.

[HopelessNick]

The hardest thing is she doesn't want to go no contact because I know she still loves me so much, just not romantically. Like she said, I'm still very high on her priority list. And she was bawling her eyes out when we said goodbye. I love her too much to go no contact because she doesn't want to. 

Why do you guys think she's crying even though she's not in love with me anymore? Why wouldn't you want to keep someone in your life if you love them? 

She said she can't not love me forever because of what I did for her, but I'm scared I'll lose her completely even though she says I'll never truly lose her. 

I feel like I've already lost her because she's reading all my texts, but not responding. Why won't she block me if she's not going to respond? 

The hardest thing is that she's open to the idea of us getting back together one day if I become the person we both want me to be. That's why I promised she'd be the first person I ask out when I become that person and why I said I'll only reach out to her again then and not before.

I'm scared she's going to completely move and if the day comes and I ask her out again (Providing she's single of course), she won't want a bar of me because I'm a person of her past. 

I also don't think I can or will have the will to become that person without her in my life. We both want me to be more outgoing and active socially, but I'm naturally shy. She's my safety net and if something bad happened, I could always fall on her. Now I don't have anyone.  

Have I lost her forever? Do you think there's any chance she'll come back during no contact? 

 

Edited May 30, 2024 by HopelessNick

[HopelessNick]

Also, she made me promise a few things throughout the last month:

1. I want you to be fighting for yourself, not me.

2. I know you're going to ask me out again, I feel so flattered and special, but if I reject you, you need to keep going and not give up.

3. Don't give up on love because of me. If you see someone you like, you HAVE to go for it.

4. Keep  going in the direction you're going in because your progress is so amazing so far and it makes me so proud. 

5. You WILL become the man we both want you to be. There's no when, you WILL and I can't wait for that day. 

Do you think they still stand even though she's not responding to me anymore? 

[assertives]

I think you need to search for the answer yourself regarding who you are as a person. Who you are on your own. What aspirations, hopes and dreams you have for yourself regardless of who you are dating or if you are single. That list is a good start as a guide to help you start somewhere. Ultimately, you need to want the changes for yourself and not because of anyone else. I urge you to go about that list sincerely not as a promise to anyone else but yourself. So yes, it's a list you should keep even if one day you guys are no longer in each other's lives.

46 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

Why do you guys think she's crying even though she's not in love with me anymore? Why wouldn't you want to keep someone in your life if you love them? 

Just because you are no longer in love with someone doesn't make it any less painful when a chapter ends. Also, you can love someone but also recognise that you guys are no longer suited together. In her case, I feel it's because she knows you want more than friends and she cannot give you that and she doesn't want to hurt you further and prevent you moving on. You obviously cannot be a genuine friend with her right now at this stage. 

51 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

Why won't she block me if she's not going to respond? 

She's trying not to make this any more painful than it already is.

52 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

The hardest thing is that she's open to the idea of us getting back together one day if I become the person we both want me to be. That's why I promised she'd be the first person I ask out when I become that person and why I said I'll only reach out to her again then and not before.

I'm sorry to burst your bubble. But in all honesty, I wouldn't hold on too much to this. This is something you say to help soften the blow as the finality of never again can be too much to bear when emotions are running high. The timeframe of an entire lifetime is too long to say "never".

56 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

I also don't think I can or will have the will to become that person without her in my life. We both want me to be more outgoing and active socially, but I'm naturally shy. She's my safety net and if something bad happened, I could always fall on her. Now I don't have anyone. 

And this is why you need to go no contact. You need to figure out who you are as an individual and what hopes and dreams you hope to achieve for yourself without her. This is not healthy. I can see why she feels she's babysitting you. You need to have an identity outside of your relationship with her. Don't make any changes just because someone else asked that of you. Make them because you truly want it for yourself.

[HopelessNick]

25 minutes ago, assertives said:

I'm sorry to burst your bubble. But in all honesty, I wouldn't hold on too much to this. This is something you say to help soften the blow as the finality of never again can be too much to bear when emotions are running high. The timeframe of an entire lifetime is too long to say "never".

You're right, but I still really want to try cause I know I'll never stop loving her. She was my first and we were so good to each other and still are. And she wants me to reach out to her to let her know when I've become the best man I can be. She said it would make her so happy. 

She also said "Maybe one day,  but you have to promise me you'll keep going even if I reject you. I can't say I don't want you ever again because no one knows what will happen in the future. We'll let fate decide. We'll end up together if we're meant to be. This is the end of us for now, but it doesn't mean it's definitely the end of our story."

Edited May 30, 2024 by HopelessNick

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, HopelessNick said:

Why do you guys think she's crying even though she's not in love with me anymore? Why wouldn't you want to keep someone in your life if you love them? 

Because breakups are hard and sad for everyone. She’s not in love with you anymore, she’s just sad.

My ex cried a lot while breaking up with me, also afterwards. It doesn’t mean what you think it means. If love is gone, it’s gone.

Please try to move on, I definitely support your no-contact plan.

2 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

The hardest thing is that she's open to the idea of us getting back together one day if I become the person we both want me to be.

 She’s not open to that idea. She’s just saying that because she thinks it will soften your pain. In reality, she’s just irritating a wound that should be left in peace so that it can heal.

[Gebidozo]

48 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

You're right, but I still really want to try cause I know I'll never stop loving her.

Sorry, but I don’t believe that. One-sided love isn’t really love, it’s more of an infatuation, an obsession. Real love is always mutual. The only way you could honestly believe that you’ll never stop loving her would be cultivating this love together, till you both reach a point when you realize that you truly belong together forever.

This is not your case. She doesn’t love you anymore, and what you’re feeling for her now is a kind of inertia, like a train that keeps moving for a while even though the conductor has already pressed the brakes. 
 

53 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

She was my first and we were so good to each other and still are.

Especially because she was your first, and because you believe that real love can be generated within such a short relationship, it’s way too early for you to make bold romantic predictions for the future.

[HopelessNick]

9 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Sorry, but I don’t believe that. One-sided love isn’t really love, it’s more of an infatuation, an obsession. Real love is always mutual. The only way you could honestly believe that you’ll never stop loving her would be cultivating this love together, till you both reach a point when you realize that you truly belong together forever.

This is not your case. She doesn’t love you anymore.

So why do exes get back together? 

[HopelessNick]

Also, she would never have ignored me if I didn't suggest no contact again 2 days ago

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, HopelessNick said:

So why do exes get back together? 

First, that happens very rarely. Second, when that happens, it’s only because both partners were still in love with each other when they broke up. That is not your situation. Your ex told you plainly she has lost romantic feelings for you.

[assertives]

1 hour ago, HopelessNick said:

Also, she would never have ignored me if I didn't suggest no contact again 2 days ago

I mean, that's not true. If you continued this limbo, the contact would continue to lessen even further until it fades into silence eventually. It has already started to happen, the meetups, the facetimes and the texts have reduced significantly have they not? She is getting "too busy" for you. Pay attention to the actions and not so much on what she's saying.

[HopelessNick]

She finally responded.

She said she's not as amazing as I make her out to be because I don't know what else is out there. She said I don't have many friends nor know many people because I spent most of the time alone before being with her. She'll always be there for me in an emergency, but she won't talk to me again until I reconnect with old friends, make new ones, go out more, change to a job I like and live a busier life and that needs to go on until at least at the end of the year and she needs proof that is the case.

If I still want to talk to her after all that, she promised she would happily have me in her life again in some capacity, but she said she didn't think I would reach out to her again after all that because I'd be too busy with life to have time for her again.

She also said she's not putting us getting back together one day off the cards because we are good together and she's still into me just not in love, but doubts it will happen because she has more life experience than me and knows a lot of things will happen between now and then.

It's so hard, not only because I love and miss her so much, but because she's so good to me and gives me the time of day when no one else will.

Why can't she just be bad to me so that I'd get over her easier.

Edited May 31, 2024 by HopelessNick

[Gebidozo]

5 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

Why can't she just be bad to me so that I'd get over her easier.

Because she isn’t a monster and she obviously has a lot of compassion for you. Be glad that you had this relationship, remember her with gratitude, and move on. Because what she told you is absolutely true:

7 minutes ago, HopelessNick said:

she's not as amazing as I make her out to be because I don't know what else is out there.

Several times over the course of my life I told myself after a painful breakup “That’s it for me, I’ll never find someone as good as X again”. Every single time I was proven to be wrong. The last time was just 2 years ago. My ex broke up with me after 7 years of being together. I was 46 years old. I’m now in a great relationship with a wonderful woman.

One of the worst post-breakup syndromes is the dumpee’s constant regret, dwelling in the past, clinging to a love that isn’t there anymore. Try to look forward. Love might await you when you least expect it. You’ve only just started your romantic journey through life.

[HopelessNick]

On 5/30/2024 at 5:46 PM, assertives said:

In her case, I feel it's because she knows you want more than friends and she cannot give you that and she doesn't want to hurt you further and prevent you moving on. You obviously cannot be a genuine friend with her right now at this stage. 

On 5/30/2024 at 3:17 PM, basil67 said:

Unfortunately, being friends only has a chance of working if you don't love her.   It's going to tear you to pieces seeing her move on and love a new man. 

On 5/30/2024 at 3:27 PM, assertives said:

You can't be friends with her because you still love her and obviously want more than friends. Until you can be sincerely ok and happy for her when she dates other people, you are not ready for a friendship with her.

I just reread the thread and noticed a couple of things. 

I don't want to be more than friends right now! I do want her one day, but only if I become the man we both want me to be and I've told her that 100 times. I'm ok with her finding someone else and being happy with someone else! I'm ok with all that! She knows that. I've been ok with all that for the past 2-3 months. She's been on a couple of dates already and I've been completely fine with it. I was happy she was able to put herself out there again! She knows all that. 

What I'm struggling with is not having her to make me feel better when I'm down. We promised each other that we'd be there for each other forever regardless of what happened to us even after the breakup and even after she said she wasn't in love with me anymore. 

I told her the following day after the breakup I understood we were never going to work at that time because I wasn't what she needed. We both agreed, that it was the wrong time.  I promised her the day after we broke up when I felt I was ready and what she needed, I would ask her out again if the situation allowed us to and that still stands today.

I just want to have someone to talk to, someone to cry to when I'm down and she was my best friend the only person who understood me and could make me feel better. Even in the months after she told me she wasn't in love with me, she would still make sure I was ok and would stay on the phone with me, sometimes until 1am until I stopped crying. She refused to hang up until I stopped. I would do the exact same thing. It wasn't one sided. If anything she relied on me a lot more than I did. Now I have 0 people to hug when I need one.

Even though we've been interacting a lot less, she was still there to make sure I was ok on the phone up until last week, but now she wants to move on because she wants us to stop relying on each other. That's the biggest reason she doesn't want to talk anymore. She misses me and wants to keep relying on me, but she knows it can't go on forever, that's why she it was a good idea to end all contact now. 

Everytime we spend time together even during our last time last week, everything felt right. When we're together, nothing else matters and we still said that last week. She said herself time stood still and asked me to hold her forever. 

The hardest thing about all this is I feel I lost my best friend, the only best friend I ever had. It's so hard not having each other when I know she wants to see me, but is trying to move on. For her, it's like wanting to scratch chicken pox, but not scratching it because she knows she shouldn't, not because she doesn't want to. Her parents also get angry at her for talking about wanting to see me, so once again, outside noise played a part in her decision making. 

Why can't she not talk to me anymore because she had no interest in doing so and doesn't want to instead because it'd be easier for me to cope. It's hard because I can't be there for her when I know she wants me to be, but is saying no to force herself to move on. 

I don't understand why we can't keep being there for each other until someone else comes along for her

Edited May 31, 2024 by HopelessNick

[HopelessNick]

I also genuinely want her to find someone else, but I want to be there for her in the meantime because I love and care about her, not romantically. When that happens, I feel like my job is finally done and I'll be so happy for her.

I know I can attract her again if I become the person I want to be because I've attracted her before. I know she's not in love with me anymore because of the way I have acted after we broke up. Being clingy and needy and all that. I know that. I am a completely different to how I was when before we broke up. Now I'm a mess and no one finds messes attractive. 

FYI, I run a sports Facebook page where I'm always on camera and seem funny and outgoing and talkative and all that. I'm completely different in real life. THAT is the person she wants and was attracted to, but I'm not that person at the moment. When I say I want to become the man we both know I can be, that person on camera is the man we're talking about. For some reason, I have trouble being that person when I'm not behind a camera because I'm scared and shy in real life, but I'm working on that. She can see that I'm trying and that's why she always says she's proud of me.  She is still so attracted to that person on camera. She tells me that. 

Besides from knowing how much chemistry we have and knowing how good we can be for each other, a BIG reason I want to ask her out again one day when I'm ready is because if she can't find anyone by that time, she'll never be alone because she'll have the side of me she always wanted. 

It's just hard right now when I want her support, but I can't because she's my ex. Sometimes I wish we never got together when we did because I'd still have her today. We were friends before we got together. 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

I don't want to be more than friends right now! I do want her one day, but only if I become the man we both want me to be and I've told her that 100 times. I'm ok with her finding someone else and being happy with someone else!

Are you serious? Well then, no wonder that she doesn’t love you anymore. You don’t think like this of a woman you love. You don’t want her “one day”, you want her now and always. And you’re certainly not ok with her having anyone else. Just the thought of that should make your blood boil. You should fight for your woman and either win her heart or admit defeat and step aside if you’ve lost. Instead, you’re basically begging for mercy and accepting humiliating conditions. That’s not attractive.

 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

now she wants to move on because she wants us to stop relying on each other.

A very sensible decision. Exes shouldn’t be relying on each other. Exes can be, at best, good friends that occasionally contact each other and care for each other. But what you’re describing is sheer co-dependency, particularly unhealthy in your situation. 

2 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

I don't understand why we can't keep being there for each other until someone else comes along for her

Because eventually someone else will come along for her, and that someone will surely not be ok with her having daily phone talks till 1am with you, complete with crying and consolation, or one-on-one meetings during which you hold each other and wish that moment lasts forever. Be thankful that she has compassion for you and eases you into a life in which you aren’t her first priority. 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, HopelessNick said:

I also genuinely want her to find someone else, but I want to be there for her in the meantime because I love and care about her, not romantically. When that happens, I feel like my job is finally done and I'll be so happy for her.

I know I can attract her again if I become the person I want to be because I've attracted her before. 

There is a glaring contradiction here. First you say you don’t care about her romantically, then you say you know you can attract her again. Please be honest with yourself: you still want her and you’re just grasping at straws and willing to accept humiliating and unrealistic conditions just to keep her in some loop where you’re still looming on the horizon as a prospective romantic interest.

This is not the right way to handle this. Your relationship is over, she isn’t attracted to you and won’t be attracted to you anymore, no matter how great you look on that sports website. Yes, she loved that guy, in past tense. But that love died and you can’t just resurrect it by belatedly becoming the man she once fell in love with. It’s impossible. You’ve changed. She has changed. You must move on.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, HopelessNick said:

I don't want to be more than friends right now!

That's not how your letter reads.  It's far closer to a 'broken heart' letter from someone who's desperately in love with someone he can't have

[HopelessNick]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

You don’t want her “one day”, you want her now and always. And you’re certainly not ok with her having anyone else. Just the thought of that should make your blood boil. 

I love her, which is why I can't want her now and don't want her now. If I wanted her now, I wouldn't be able to give her the best and I couldn't do it to her because I promised her from day one I'd give her the best and I'm not the best yet. If I want her "now and always", then that would be selfish of me because I'm not what she needs right now. I'm not in love with her anymore because I don't feel like and am not good enough for her. I do love and care about her though. 

By one day, I mean when I become the person we both know I can be because then I would be able to give her the best and she agreed it was a possibility. I know what she needs because she told me the EXACT reasons I'm not right for her at the moment and those are things I can and want to change. She said she's not patient enough to wait for that to happen. 

I 100% am ok with her having someone else because I want her to be with someone who loves her, will give her everything and is everything she needs.  I'm not that person right now. I told her to promise not to wait for me because I don't know when I'll become that person. If she finds someone, wonderful, I'd be so happy for her. If she gets to a stage in the future where she's single and not happy as a result (regardless of how many relationships she gets into), I will never forgive myself for not being able to keep my promise of asking her out. 

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

Because eventually someone else will come along for her

I know and that's my point! I know it will happen, but why we can't keep being there for each other UNTIL that happens?

Hand on heart I genuinely hope she finds someone quite quickly actually (but I doubt it cause she's not looking) because that would make me stop contacting her and make it easier for me. I made her promise me that if we were still talking when she was starting to be serious about someone, she MUST tell the guy that we're still in contact and if he wanted her to stop, I MADE her promise to drop me. I would personally cut contact with her if I found out the new guy wasn't happy. 

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

There is a glaring contradiction here. First you say you don’t care about her romantically, then you say you know you can attract her again. Please be honest with yourself: you still want her and you’re just grasping at straws.

I don't care about her romantically as of right now. I don't care about ANYONE romantically right now because I'm not ready. I know I will want her romantically later when I become the person I want to be because my mindset will change. I know how already perfect we felt mutually when we were together even though I wasn't what she needed.

She stopped being in love with me because "she realised I wasn't enough and she couldn't babysit me anymore" (her words). "I had the boy hoping to fall in love with the man, but I never got the chance to see the man". 

Why wouldn't we be even better if I become what she needs and she doesn't need to babysit me anymore? 

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

She isn’t attracted to you and won’t be attracted to you anymore, no matter how great you look on that sports website. Yes, she loved that guy, in past tense.

But that love died and you can’t just resurrect it by belatedly becoming the man she once fell in love with. It’s impossible. You’ve changed. She has changed. You must move on.

She still loves that guy, present tense. She's just not getting that guy and she's not patient enough to wait for that guy to arrive. I was never the man. So the love never existed? I haven't changed, I'm still that boy.