Cloverita Posted May 29 Share Posted May 29 (edited) Hi, I'm new here. I needed to vent/reach out because of a break up. I'm devastated. I was with my boyfriend for 19 years. We've been friends for 28 years, best friends for 22 years. He came home from work on March 18. I told him I had dinner ready for him and he said he didn't care. I was confused. I asked him, "You don't care about dinner?" He had this really smug attitude and said no, he was done, he didn't want to do this (the relationship) anymore. I was completely blindsided. We've had our issues over the years. I have PTSD, so it goes without saying that I have issues, but I'm in therapy and am continually working on bettering myself. He had issues too, with communication and anger. But overall, we got along really well. At least that's what I thought. He ended up going off on me, started listing all these things about me that weren't true. Told me I sat around all day doing nothing (I was a homemaker who cooked and cleaned for a lot of the day), that I don't want to do anything with my life (I was doing something with my life, I was taking care him and our apartment and our cats), that he can't hang out with his friends without me interrogating him (any time he texted me to tell me would be home late cuz he was gonna hang with his friend for a little, literally all I would text back was "Ok, have fun, drive safe"), that I'm super competitive with other women (??). Like I said, he came up with a litany of all these made up issues that we DON'T have, I guess in order for him not to feel guilty about just up and leaving me. This is the fifth time he's left me out of the blue (he has commitment issues obviously). But this time around, he was very cruel about it and like I said, he accused me of all these things that weren't true. He'd been hanging out with this friend from work. They met within the last year. This guy gave my ex a sob story about his life - he came from an abusive home, was kicked out at 18, was homeless for awhile cuz of it. When my ex told me about it, he actually choked up. I'd never him act that way about a friend. I was a little taken aback by it, just because I'd never seen him get that emotional over something like that before. This friend of his was with a girl he loved who ended up cheating on him. Subsequent to him getting cheated on, he became an alcoholic. He drinks everyday and lost his license from a DUI. My ex has tried helping him stop drinking, encouraged him, etc. His friend still drinks everyday though. And this friend of his - it almost seems like he's love-bombing my ex. He got him a few little gifts just because. When my ex-boyfriend's car broke down, this friend lent my ex his car for 3-4 weeks. Their job has a raffle at Christmas every year. This year, his friend won a brand new 55" Smart TV at the raffle and he GAVE it to my ex. Just gave it to him! People I know have suggested that maybe this guy has feelings for him, but I don't think that's it. I think it's more of a misery loves company type thing. That's what my gut is telling me, and my ex isn't into guys anyway. On top of all that, he was talking with his friend about our relationship. About how he wasn't happy and that he wasn't happy that I wasn't working (I didn't know he was unhappy about that, he didn't tell me until after he dumped me).. His friend basically told him, "If you're not happy, maybe you should just leave." I also noticed that his attitude toward me changed. We got into a rare fight a month or two before we broke up and he called me the C-word, which he had NEVER done before. I also got this really strong feeling, about a week before we broke up, that he didn't respect me. Like he had a disdain for me. I'd never felt that way about him before. I'd never felt he didn't respect me. All that started after he began hanging out with this guy, who I think has misogynistic tendencies because of his ex who cheated on him (that's an assumption on my part). It's like I didn't even know the person who was talking to me the day he left. I've know him almost 30 years and it was like i was talking to a stranger. He came back a few weeks later to pick up some of his things. We talked for 5 hours, had lunch together. We even joked around and had conversations just like we always have over the last 28 years. He told me he's going to miss being with me, miss hanging out with me, miss being intimate with me, that he's never connected with anyone like he has with me. But he can't be with me because he's unhappy and he seems he thinks I'm the source of his unhappiness. I also feel like he took me for granted. I got up early every morning to make him his coffee. I made him his lunch everyday (sandwiches on homemade bread with homemade mustard that I made!). I had dinner ready for him every night. I made him homemade works of art (I paint) to show him I loved him. I would get him cards from time to time to tell him how much I loved him and how grateful I was to have him in my life. I would give him back massages and draw baths for him if he had a rough day at work. And there were times he was really good to me too. He was financially and emotionally supportive of me. We were best friends, did everything together, had great chemistry. Never ran out of interesting things to talk about, even after almost 30 years. So this change in him is just really heartbreaking and confusing. So that's my story. I'm incredibly heartbroken and I deal with a lot of anxiety because of this. The anxiety used to be 24/7, now it lasts from like 9 am - 6 pm. But it still sucks. I just want my life back. I want ME back. Sometimes I hate him, other times I miss him. The last time I saw him, he said he'd text me when he was leaving. I didn't say anything, so he asked, "Or do you want to text me?" I told him I'd just text him and that was almost two months ago. I haven't texted him at all. I miss him, but I also want nothing to do with him. I feel like he threw away what was a really good relationship (90% of the time) because of a mid-life crisis and because of bad advice from his weirdo friend. Everyone I know tells me he'll want to come back eventually. He's done this before (without the cruelty/insulting me though). He didn't give me any logical reasons for wanting to end things. he told me he was going to miss being with me, has never connected with anyone like he has me, etc. so he's not being logical. I would want him back down the road if he asked, but only on the condition that he got some serious therapy. If you've read this far, thank you. I guess I'm just looking for some support, opinions, advice. I'm just so hurt and the anxiety really sucks. Edited May 29 by Cloverita grammar Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted May 29 Share Posted May 29 Break ups are hard. It does get easier over time. Biggest thing to remember is that you give yourself closure; it doesn’t come from the ex. How are you coping now? Where are you staying? What are you doing for money? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 29 Share Posted May 29 Why aren't you working? That was the first thing I keyed off on while reading your post. If you aren't home taking care of kids or financially independent I can see why this would be a problem. Cats are independent and housework can be shared. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cloverita Posted May 29 Author Share Posted May 29 4 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: Biggest thing to remember is that you give yourself closure; it doesn’t come from the ex. Thank you for that. I'm doing okay. Just struggling with letting go and the anxiety is really, really awful. I can't see him not being a part of my life just because the way he went about breaking up with me was so illogical. I know he doesn't feel happy about what he did and I know he misses me. I'm just struggling to let go and focus on me. I'm staying with a family member and am doing some private cooking jobs (I used to be a pastry chef and worked in a kitchen years ago). I wanna look for a job, it's just hard right now cuz I don't want to have meltdowns and bawl my eyes out at work if I were to find a job. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cloverita Posted May 29 Author Share Posted May 29 22 minutes ago, stillafool said: Why aren't you working? That was the first thing I keyed off on while reading your post. If you aren't home taking care of kids or financially independent I can see why this would be a problem. Cats are independent and housework can be shared. I'm doing side jobs with cooking, (I used to work in a kitchen). I've been looking for work, but kinda nervous about getting a job cuz I don't want to have a meltdown at a job I get. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 29 Share Posted May 29 11 minutes ago, Cloverita said: I'm doing side jobs with cooking, (I used to work in a kitchen). I've been looking for work, but kinda nervous about getting a job cuz I don't want to have a meltdown at a job I get. How will you support yourself without him? I think he was staying silent about your not working a full time job and it felt like too much pressure on him. He's not your husband so what are you going to do about expenses in old age? Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 29 Share Posted May 29 1 hour ago, Cloverita said: I also feel like he took me for granted. I got up early every morning to make him his coffee. I made him his lunch everyday (sandwiches on homemade bread with homemade mustard that I made!). I had dinner ready for him every night. In the future, don't do this for a person you're not married to... and don't do it for a person who isn't reciprocating with the same amount of effort, either. All of this time and effort could have gone into your career or getting a further education, which would have benefited you long term. I'm glad you have family to stay with. Do you have access to a therapist? Stay NC, stay strong, it will eventually get better. You don't need an abusive and unappreciative partner in your life. Try to start looking for a job as soon as you can and keep your life full. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cloverita Posted May 29 Author Share Posted May 29 10 minutes ago, Els said: In the future, don't do this for a person you're not married to... and don't do it for a person who isn't reciprocating with the same amount of effort, either. All of this time and effort could have gone into your career or getting a further education, which would have benefited you long term. I'm glad you have family to stay with. Do you have access to a therapist? Stay NC, stay strong, it will eventually get better. You don't need an abusive and unappreciative partner in your life. Try to start looking for a job as soon as you can and keep your life full. That's the thing, he did reciprocate for most of our relationship. He was very supportive emotionally the 28 years he was in my life, and he was financially supportive the last couple years when I stopped working. As far as work goes, I'm working on starting my own business. I was a professional chef and I make art, so I'm going to focus on building that. He just suddenly changed when he started hanging out with this friend of his. I think he was having a midlife crisis (all the signs are there) and he took bad advice from this shady "friend" of his. He changed after he started hanging out with this guy. It's bizarre. I do have a therapist I speak to once a week. And thank you. I'm definitely staying NC, he doesn't deserver to have me in his life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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