LDR needing space

[Sunflower889]

Hi! 

I’ve recently gotten into a long distance relationship. We’ve been dating for almost 3 months but we’ve been talking for almost 8. We talk pretty consistently on the phone but lately i have noticed that things seem off so i’ve been asking him if he’s okay and he just kept saying he is. Tonight he sent me a text basically saying that he knows he hasn’t seemed like his usual self lately and that it’s not my fault and that he does still like me and our relationship but that he hasn’t been feeling well mentally and that he thinks he needs to be by himself for a little bit. I of course understand this and am going to give him that space but i wasn’t sure if it was him breaking up with me so i asked. He told me that he is not breaking up with me and he was just letting me know why he wasn’t as responsive as he usually is and that he probably won’t be on the phone with me as much. I respect this 100% and told him he should focus on his mental health and that i’d still be here when he’s ready. I’m just unsure of where this is leading. Some of my friends think it’s leading to us parting ways or to a prolonged break up, the other half think it’s just him needing space and then some think it could lead to him ghosting me since he didn’t really say how long he needed. I can’t ask him because i’m giving him space but i would really like some advice 

[basil67]

You're looking at this backwards as all of your questions can't be answered.  Instead, you have to look at what you do know: how you're feeling about it all.  Essentially, will this arrangement of him needing space meet your relationship needs and how long are you willing to put yourself on hold for?

How long is the distance between you?  What's the plan for closing the gap?  How often to do you see each other face to face?   Was the relationship meeting your needs prior to him backing away?  Do you have much experience in having good relationships?  How old are you?  

Also, do you want a boyfriend who wants you by his side when he's struggling, or a boyfriend who wants to do his recovery without you?   You don't have to promise to stay with someone who's pushing you away in their time of need.

Edited May 31 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

Needing space and wanting to be alone during tough times is some people’s way of dealing with distress. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it, and there is no way to know whether this is a temporary gap in your relationship or something that leads to a permanent breakup. The only thing you have control over is your own reaction to that.

Personally, I probably wouldn’t be ok with giving such indefinite space to my partner during  LDR; but then again, I probably wouldn’t be ok with having a LDR in the first place, at least not to begin a relationship with. Your relationship has just started and already he is needing space, even though he is far away from you. I’d see it as a bad sign if it was my partner. 

When are you going to meet face to face? If it’s happening soon, I’d suggest you wait and then have a sincere talk with him when you meet. If there are no plans to move closer to each other and this LDR is going to last an indefinite amount of time, I’d break it off if I were you. He’s putting you in a limbo which might just be too painful for you to endure.

 

Edited May 31 by Gebidozo

[Sunflower889]

50 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You're looking at this backwards as all of your questions can't be answered.  Instead, you have to look at what you do know: how you're feeling about it all.  Essentially, will this arrangement of him needing space meet your relationship needs and how long are you willing to put yourself on hold for?

How long is the distance between you?  What's the plan for closing the gap?  How often to do you see each other face to face?   Was the relationship meeting your needs prior to him backing away?  Do you have much experience in having good relationships?  How old are you?  

Also, do you want a boyfriend who wants you by his side when he's struggling, or a boyfriend who wants to do his recovery without you?   You don't have to promise to stay with someone who's pushing you away in their time of need.

We live about 700 miles apart. I’m not sure what the plan is for closing the gap we haven’t talked about it much since we haven’t been together that long but we do both want to move to the same state at some point and have briefly talked about moving there together. The relationship has always met my needs he just isn’t a very open person when it comes to his emotions and I am. I would love to be by his side while recovers but I don’t think that’s the kind of guy he is and I didn’t want to bombard him with a bunch of questions right after he told me he needed space. 

 

We don’t get to see each other face to face very often. I last saw him in february and i’m going to go see him at the end of july. It’s a bit hard with both of our jobs. 

I am not too sure how i feel about it all, i just know not being in the know makes me anxious and I want to know what’s going on. I’d like to know his thought process but like i said previously i dont want to ask a bunch of questions immediately and I do not know when I should ask them.

[BaileyB]

Withdrawing is a very common thing for someone to do when they are not doing well or they are in distress, as was stated above. I can even see how he may wants space from the time commitment and the pressure of maintaining a long distance relationship. I don’t know if this is your relationship but you do say that you are talking consistently on the phone -  most people in relationships don’t spend that much time with this partner. Maybe it’s just a little too much for him at this point in time. 

If he asks for time and space, you obviously need to respect his wish. Something is going on with him - maybe it’s a mental health crisis, or maybe he is just wanting to spend less time on the phone and more time with people in real life… Unfortunately, there is not much you can do but wait for him to share his intentions regarding the future of the relationship. I would manage my expectations accordingly, unfortunately. 

Long distance relationships are hard. I’m sorry, I hope it works out for you. 

 

Edited May 31 by BaileyB

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Sunflower889 said:

We live about 700 miles apart. I’m not sure what the plan is for closing the gap we haven’t talked about it much since we haven’t been together that long but we do both want to move to the same state at some point and have briefly talked about moving there together. The relationship has always met my needs he just isn’t a very open person when it comes to his emotions and I am. I would love to be by his side while recovers but I don’t think that’s the kind of guy he is and I didn’t want to bombard him with a bunch of questions right after he told me he needed space. 

We don’t get to see each other face to face very often. I last saw him in february and i’m going to go see him at the end of july. It’s a bit hard with both of our jobs. 

I am not too sure how i feel about it all, i just know not being in the know makes me anxious and I want to know what’s going on. I’d like to know his thought process but like i said previously i dont want to ask a bunch of questions immediately and I do not know when I should ask them.

I guess all you can do is give him space until either he comes back to you or until the frustration and isolation from him on your end becomes too much to manage.  

Personally, I'd tell him to take the space he needs but warn him that I won't put myself on hold for an unknown amount of time.  Tell him that if he wants to re-establish the relationship when he's ready, he should reach out and if I'm still single and interested, I'd give it another try.  I know this response sounds harsh, but if the two of you were living together or married and had even have children, disconnecting from you wouldn't be an option for him.... he'ds have to work it out while you stayed together.  If he can't work through this with you by his side, it doesn't bode well for the future.

 

Edited May 31 by basil67

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Personally, I'd tell him to take the space he needs but warn him that I won't put myself on hold for an unknown amount of time.  Tell him that if he wants to re-establish the relationship when he's ready, he should reach out and if I'm still single and interested, I'd give it another try. 

This is a good plan. You should still be involved with friends and activities - don’t not live your life because you are in a LDR.
 

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

if the two of you were living together or married and had even have children, disconnecting from you wouldn't be an option for him.... he'ds have to work it out while you stayed together.  If he can't work through this with you by his side, it doesn't bode well for the future.

Agree, but there are many people on this board who post their their partner is disconnecting and withdrawing even when they live together - and that is also an unhealthy situation, not good for either person or the relationship. 

The simple truth is - his mental health is his mental health. You can support him by giving him space or listening, whatever would help him at this time… but this is his problem to solve. Distance does not make it any easier, but even if you lived together there is only so much that you could/should do. 

[NuevoYorko]

Did you know him before you started the LDR 3 months ago?  

[Sunflower889]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Withdrawing is a very common thing for someone to do when they are not doing well or they are in distress, as was stated above. I can even see how he may wants space from the time commitment and the pressure of maintaining a long distance relationship. I don’t know if this is your relationship but you do say that you are talking consistently on the phone -  most people in relationships don’t spend that much time with this partner. Maybe it’s just a little too much for him at this point in time. 

If he asks for time and space, you obviously need to respect his wish. Something is going on with him - maybe it’s a mental health crisis, or maybe he is just wanting to spend less time on the phone and more time with people in real life… Unfortunately, there is not much you can do but wait for him to share his intentions regarding the future of the relationship. I would manage my expectations accordingly, unfortunately. 

Long distance relationships are hard. I’m sorry, I hope it works out for you. 

 

Hi, 

Thank you for your response. I am definitely going to respect that he needs space it just kinda came out of nowhere. I’ve sensed things have been off for a few days but anytime i asked he said he was okay. 

I feel like I should also add that he’s the one the initiates the calls most of the time, i do call him as well so it’s not like he’s putting in all the effort and i’m putting in none. I’ve also told him multiple times that we don’t have to talk all the time and I shouldn’t be taking up so much of his time as I want him to go out and experience things and he always has said he likes talking to me all the time which is why i’m so confused. I know there isn’t really anything I can do and I also know some people aren’t as open about the things they are going through. I’m just a little worried. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I would be concerned that you barely see each other and essentially only have a relationship by phone, and he still needs even more space. 

I get not wanting to talk to text all the time, but it would raise a red flag for me that he feels the need for even more distance when it sonds like you already have plenty between you. I would respect his need, but also set a mental timeline for myself so you're not on pause for too long,