Concerned about my boyfriend's health

[mortensorchid]

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend said that he wasn't feeling too hot.  His belly swelled out to there, turned rock hard.  I said go to the ER, he said no he can't because he doesn't have health insurance.  I said you're in pain, apply to the financial aide plans that hospitals / doctor's offices / groups have to help out those who are in such a situation.  He called me and said he was in such pain he needed to go to the ER.  I picked him up and took him, I said I would stay with him there, he said no leave you'll be bored.  I went home, then he called an hour later and said he was going home can I pick him up?  I went back and did just that.  He was to have a follow up with a gastro, which he did last week on Zoom.  He said that the lab tests said his liver and gallbladder were ok, they think it might be his kidneys.  He has a history of kidney problems in his family (diabetes, renal failure, etc.) which I somewhat knew about.  I said now what?  He said he has to go to a kidney doctor, they're going to run another test on him.

Problem?  He hasn't done it.  I said to him that we are in the dangerous years now - there are certain ages that seem to be magic ages for some people.  When you're in your 20s there are a few drug overdoses or car accidents where people will die, or some strange accident.  60 also seems to be a magic age - if you can get over that bump then you will survive into old age.  We are in our 40s now and there will be a few flukes here and there - heart attacks, strokes, and cancer.  These things are happening to people younger and younger now, and it can and does sneak up on you if you're not careful.  I am a woman and I knew that I could make it to about age 45 before things will start to get out of whack for me.  I have had marketplace insurance - costing at $430 some a month - I Instacart grocery shop to pay the premium each month.  I get mammograms and coloscopies and annual physicals and go to the Ob/Gyn every year.  

He just lays around his apartment all day, in pain, curled up in the fetal position.  We had to cancel a trip we were going to take together for our anniversary.  He went out to grocery shop and that was painful.  He said he doesn't know how he will work his summer job because of the pain.  I talked to him and said to tell his supervisor about this.  He said he needs the job because he has expenses to pay.  I am annoyed that he hasn't called the kidney doctor.  Because he has no insurance?!  I said you could wake up dead as well. 

I have done all I can do for him in this situation.  I don't know what else to do or say for him, I am at the end of my rope. 

[FMW]

Unfortunately, you can't force him to take care of himself.  You are a good example to him of being responsible and having insurance, but he has to take that responsibility on himself as well.  Without insurance in the US, it's difficult to get treatment from specialists, they won't accept appointments without it.  Do a little online research about getting medical treatment without insurance and see if there might be options you could suggest.

 

 

[mortensorchid]

He said he is unsure how he will be able to work this summer.  I got him a job last summer with this same job coaching outfit I work for he was/is planning to return to it.  I said he could also be a driving instructor like me, I could call the office and see if they have openings.  He said he can't do that because he doesn't have nerves of steel like me.  I said you sit on your ass all day in a car it's a dream.

I am at rhe end of my rope...

[stillafool]

It sounds like you are doing a lot.  What are his suggestions for getting a job and taking care of his health?   It's great to be supportive and helpful but you don't want to take on the role of being his mother.  I think I would step back a bit if I were you.

 

[mortensorchid]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

It sounds like you are doing a lot.  What are his suggestions for getting a job and taking care of his health?   It's great to be supportive and helpful but you don't want to take on the role of being his mother.  I think I would step back a bit if I were you.

 

I agree.  I wasn't about to step in and say "I will pay for this" or something like that.  I feel bad for him but I am going to step back because I have done what I can.  

[mortensorchid]

I am afraid that he might not know of certain things.  I have had a spotty job history - this one loser I worked for said that he made a mistake, he wasn't ready to get used to a new person so he asked the woman who quit and went to another job to come back to him (as a receptionist).  After that I said one must have a means of making money at all times. 

I am a driving instructor, Instacart shop for groceries, job coach, ESL teacher online (no clients anymore - it's completely dried up), recess monitor.  I make peanuts at each job but I set my schedule so that I am working an 8 hour workday.  I have 3 bank accounts : 1 to pay my bills with, 1 to save for old age, and 1 to save for a major purchase (ex. New refrigerator) or vacation fund.  Move the money, move the money - that's what I am all about.  And I don't cry poverty because of it.

[mortensorchid]

He is in a lot of pain these days.  He had a follow up with a gastro, they said he has some kidney problems but that doesn't explain how / why his belly is swelled out to there.  He has a colonoscopy scheduled.  I said I am confident this will be solved soon...

He's depressed, he said he understood if I wanted to leave him.  I said that's crazy talk - I wouldn't leave him during his hour of need.  This is just a setback and we can't be together at the moment because he's in such pain and not able to do much other than go back and forth to the bathroom.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Oh my, so sorry you are going through this. It is extremely demoralizing to have a partner in pain who for whatever reason doesn't get themselves to treatment. 

One of my siblings was like your bf--refused to get help even when he wasn't doing well. 

I think you have to just play things by ear. Some people would just scream and shout and demand that he get treated and persist demanding such. But a very important step is to take care of yourself. Posting here is a good way to get support and perhaps new ideas.

I'll just throw out some ideas, but please no offense intended if the idea is dumb or obvious. I'm wondering if he is comfortable with getting the depression treated first. Depression paralyzes people, makes them feel worthless and hopeless. The depressed brain no longer is looking for a solution. Perhaps if he can dim that depression, then he might be open to kidney treatment. 

Another idea (opposite) is just to tell him repeatedly that you love him and tell him how much you like him. This would be a method to just gently coax him out of feeling worthless (depression) and hopeless. But again, you do need to take care of yourself and allow yourself to have a full range of emotions, including anger at him. You don't have to express your anger at him, but sometimes doing so in a situation like this can help (sometimes not of course!). Definitely let yourself express anger and sadness with friends.

Make sure you can get some sleep and spend some time away from him.  Because if you're stressed as well (which you will be to a certain extent), then there will be two non-functioning partners. Ironically attending to yourself can buy you some patience to deal with him in his madness right now. 

So sorry to hear this.