Separation - 11 years together, 3 1/2 of them Married

[Kass35]

Hello, 

I am struggling and I need some advice. My wife told me she is done with our marriage and wants to separate. She's been quite depressed since January and spends most of her time sleeping, but most recently she has signed up for school (an intense 3 month program that starts at the end of June), and is also on a healthy lifestyle journey. She said that this was "expected and going to happen at some point". Don't get me wrong, we haven't been intimate in a long time and I know we have arguments here and there, but I didn't think it was to this point. I've been ignored for the past 5 months waiting for her to get help with her depression and now this. It just makes me feel so lost. I've asked her to try and perhaps we could see a counselor/put in all of our effort to make it work, but she doesn't want to. My question is, do I give up? How do I occupy my mind (besides work, child, etc.). We have a 4 year old girl and a house together with 4 cats. 
 

Thank you! 

[glows]

It’s very vague. How should any outsider know if you should give up if we don’t know the details of your marital issues or disagreements. She’s told you it’s over and she doesn’t want to continue and it’s best to respect that. 

You should speak with a lawyer in private so that you have clear legal advice in regards to your property, debts, coparenting/custody. I would not move (if she’s asking you to move) until you speak with a lawyer. 

[Kass35]

Sorry, I was trying not to make it too long of a read. 

She came out of nowhere with this. Our fights are usually me "nagging" about her helping around the house, and me wanting her to act like she cares. I work full time and for the last 3 years she's stayed at home. I don't even care if she doesn't want to get a job, I just want her to help so I am not coming home from a long day of work and then having to clean the house, feed the animals, take care of the little one (her mother babysits a lot, so it does help), and have supper made sometimes. 
 

Thank you for your advice, I'll respect her wishes and move it along. 

[stillafool]

How does she plan to support herself if she separates and will she take your child?

[Els]

This sounds like textbook depression, and it seems like she's started to find a way out of that. Unfortunately, she also seems to have decided that leaving you is part of the recovery plan. Without hearing her side of the story, it's hard to say whether her belief is justified or not.

38 minutes ago, Kris36 said:

I work full time and for the last 3 years she's stayed at home. I don't even care if she doesn't want to get a job

You don't care, but it sounds like she does. Not having a career can have an adverse effect on some people's mental health.

It seems like you two got married just after your child was born,  and this also coincided with her loss of employment. Was the pregnancy planned or accidental? Also, what were the plans for childcare - did you two talk about the possibility of getting daycare so that she could return to work eventually?

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, Kris36 said:

Hello, 

I am struggling and I need some advice. My wife told me she is done with our marriage and wants to separate. She's been quite depressed since January and spends most of her time sleeping, but most recently she has signed up for school (an intense 3 month program that starts at the end of June), and is also on a healthy lifestyle journey. She said that this was "expected and going to happen at some point". Don't get me wrong, we haven't been intimate in a long time and I know we have arguments here and there, but I didn't think it was to this point. I've been ignored for the past 5 months waiting for her to get help with her depression and now this. It just makes me feel so lost. I've asked her to try and perhaps we could see a counselor/put in all of our effort to make it work, but she doesn't want to. My question is, do I give up? How do I occupy my mind (besides work, child, etc.). We have a 4 year old girl and a house together with 4 cats. 
 

Thank you! 

I’m sorry this is happening to you.

What was your wife’s reason for separating? It couldn’t have been just the depression. Also, the depression must have been caused by something. Did she give you any explanation? Did she complain about something you did? Is there another man? Has she fallen out of love with you?

What are her further plans? Is she moving out and taking the kid?

[MsJayne]

I'd guess this has been brewing for a very long time, and if she's been experiencing depression then it sounds like something about the relationship has been making her unhappy for a long time. How's your communication? What are the "here and there" arguments about? Who wears the pants in the relationship? 

[tzorno]

I'm sorry you are going through this.  It's the hardest thing in the world.

When my marriage fell apart, I like many others received the old "I'm not happy" quote.  When I asked her what would make her happy or how I could change,,,,,nothing.  She could never answer the question of why she wasn't happy.  Can your wife answer that question?  

Also, i'm in the camp that if it comes down to counseling,,,,it's over.  Counseling is a last grasp of the straw that rarely works.  

Maybe she needs medication for her depression.  I know many women that take their "happy pills".

Best of luck to you and again, i'm sorry you are going through this.

[Kass35]

22 hours ago, stillafool said:

How does she plan to support herself if she separates and will she take your child?

I believe she's planning on staying here until her parents finish the apartment above their garage. As for our child, we will share custody. She would never take her from me and I would never take her from her. 

[Kass35]

8 hours ago, tzorno said:

I'm sorry you are going through this.  It's the hardest thing in the world.

When my marriage fell apart, I like many others received the old "I'm not happy" quote.  When I asked her what would make her happy or how I could change,,,,,nothing.  She could never answer the question of why she wasn't happy.  Can your wife answer that question?  

Also, i'm in the camp that if it comes down to counseling,,,,it's over.  Counseling is a last grasp of the straw that rarely works.  

Maybe she needs medication for her depression.  I know many women that take their "happy pills".

Best of luck to you and again, i'm sorry you are going through this.

Thank you! And no she can't, she said she doesn't want to be unhappy or fight anymore. We've barely spoken the last few months as she's been severely depressed and barely leaves the bedroom. 
 

I feel the same way about marriage counseling. Her thoughts are different and I have offered to go, but she doesn't want to now. 
 

I am sorry you had to go through this as well, I hope things are better for you. 

Edited June 3 by Kris36

[Kass35]

15 hours ago, MsJayne said:

I'd guess this has been brewing for a very long time, and if she's been experiencing depression then it sounds like something about the relationship has been making her unhappy for a long time. How's your communication? What are the "here and there" arguments about? Who wears the pants in the relationship? 

She said she realized this about a month or so ago. As for her depression, my mom passed last April and we've both been having an extremely hard time with it. That isn't her only issue, she is upset with a lot of things she hasn't accomplished in life yet. 
Our communication used to be fine, although, she tends to drift away a lot when I am talking to her and I feel like she doesn't listen. The fights are of me just asking her to help more and to pretend like she actually cares that I am exhausted and just want help around the house or to come home to a cooked meal every once and awhile. I just want to spend time with her and our daughter.
Ummm I'm not sure I've always seen us as equal. 

[Kass35]

22 hours ago, Els said:

This sounds like textbook depression, and it seems like she's started to find a way out of that. Unfortunately, she also seems to have decided that leaving you is part of the recovery plan. Without hearing her side of the story, it's hard to say whether her belief is justified or not.

You don't care, but it sounds like she does. Not having a career can have an adverse effect on some people's mental health.

It seems like you two got married just after your child was born,  and this also coincided with her loss of employment. Was the pregnancy planned or accidental? Also, what were the plans for childcare - did you two talk about the possibility of getting daycare so that she could return to work eventually?

She hasn't found a way unfortunately, she's certainly trying to. She needs meds, I know it and she knows it. She said she feels empty inside and wants to be alone from the world. 
 

Oh, I'm certain. I've encouraged her for years that she can do anything she puts her mind to, she is very smart. I think she just became complacent once I got a better job with a much better pay. 
 

We are foster parents (since 2018) and our now daughter we've had since 8 days old (born 2019) and adopted in 2022. My mother-in-law usually has our daughter during the day, most days of the week, so my wife wouldn't have issues getting a job. And she could've went to daycare if we really needed her to. We just enrolled her into preschool so she can have plenty of interaction with other children. We are also both woman.  

[Kass35]

19 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I’m sorry this is happening to you.

What was your wife’s reason for separating? It couldn’t have been just the depression. Also, the depression must have been caused by something. Did she give you any explanation? Did she complain about something you did? Is there another man? Has she fallen out of love with you?

What are her further plans? Is she moving out and taking the kid?

Thank you. 
 

Her biggest thing is she wants to "start over" in life. She was really bad with her medication, she would take it, feel better, and then stop it. I used to be guilty of this as well until I came to terms with needing it. She just started having severe panic attacks in January and it threw her into a deep depression. No other woman (we are both woman). She hates that we have arguments and right now she can't think of any positives from our relationship. She said she feels empty and doesn't want to be around anyone or even try anything. Except school/the gym - which she hasn't started yet. She said she still loves me, but right now she doesn't care about anything so she doesn't know if she feels in love with me because she is so empty inside. She also said you never know what the future brings so maybe when she's feeling better and on meds. 
 

She is planning to move above her parent's garage. She doesn't believe we need to rush the divorce or anything. We will share custody. Her parents have plenty of money, so she will be fine with financial care. 

[MsJayne]

4 hours ago, Kris36 said:

she tends to drift away a lot when I am talking to her and I feel like she doesn't listen.

Are you talking to her or at her? Lecturing a partner is a great way to make them secretly hate you. 

 

4 hours ago, Kris36 said:

Ummm I'm not sure I've always seen us as equal. 

🙂 Why not? Here might be the crux of the problems. When we perceive someone as being inferior it comes across in the way we interact with them, and no-one wants to be in a relationship with someone who thinks they're superior to us. I suspect that she has been talking to someone about her depression and hasn't told you, because she's making all the moves that a wise confidante or a mental health professional would encourage, the self-education, the quest for better health, an honest appraisal of her marriage and the reasons she's unhappy. I'm guessing there's not much you can do at this point, if she's worked out that separation is necessary for her to regain her happiness then you should let her go and allow her to do that.

[tzorno]

16 hours ago, Kass35 said:

Thank you! And no she can't, she said she doesn't want to be unhappy or fight anymore. We've barely spoken the last few months as she's been severely depressed and barely leaves the bedroom. 
 

I feel the same way about marriage counseling. Her thoughts are different and I have offered to go, but she doesn't want to now. 
 

I am sorry you had to go through this as well, I hope things are better for you. 

After three years, things are better now and they will be better for you too in the long run.  It takes time and that time is grueling, but there are better days ahead.  I'm with a wonderful girl now that makes me very happy and is causing my thoughts and behavior to lean towards indifference instead of hate towards my ex.

My ex-wife acted depressed also and would hide in the bedroom and sleep for 12 to 16 hours at a time.  She was cheating on me though and when not hiding she would look for confrontations in a way to force my hand.  Meaning she was trying everything to cause me to make the move for the divorce.  I don't know if it was out of guilt on her side or her trying to save face by having the excuse that I filed.  I don't know.  She was evil during that period though and when I called it quits after catching her for the last time, she ended up filing first anyways so who knows.  I believe a lot of it is that they want to be potrayed as the victims and not the villians.  

I feel so bad for you though.  I know how much it hurts and how hard the struggle is going to be going forward with finances and everything.  You also have a child in this mess and you'll need to be civil and calm during the exchanges of visitations.  That has to be hard and i'm not sure I could have done it, but i'm weak.  I was lucky that my kids were adults and I got to go 'no contact' with my ex.  So many, you included, don't have that luxury and I have no idea how they do it.  All I can offer is that I and everybody else will be here to support you during this awful time.  It helps to talk about it.