Controlling request or valid boundary?

[celticsfan2345]

A trip with my [30M] guy friends from business school to Ibiza recently came up. I haven't seen them in a while, so I'd be sad to miss out on it.

My girlfriend [28F] doesn’t like the idea and is uncomfortable with it. In her words, it’s not because she doesn’t trust me, but rather because it’s just not a good look / not something people in a committed relationship do. She says it’s mainly because of the location and its reputation, and otherwise she wants me to hang with my friends. I suppose an analogous situation would be me not being comfortable with her spending a non-trivial amount of 1on1 time with a male coworker outside of work.

One of my trusted guy friends, when he caught wind of the situation, thinks it’s a red flag and controlling from her.

I’m really sad about not getting to go, but I also don’t want to set a bad precedent of not respecting my girlfriend’s genuine requests for comfort. What is the right POV here?

Edited June 3, 2024 by celticsfan2345
More detail

[Sony12]

All you are doing is spending time with other guy friends. If she has a problem with you having friends now it will only get worse if you two become even more serious.

If you want to go on the trip do it. If she really has that big of a problem with you having friends than she probably isn't someone you want to get extremely serious with.

[Gaeta]

No boyfriend of mine would go to Ibiza lol. We're not talking camping weekend here we're talking party/sex/drug/alcohol around the clock destination.

By the way,  aren't you a bit old for that destination?

How long have you been dating her and how serious is your relationship? 

[Alpacalia]

I think your GF is being rather silly.

These are male friends that you haven't seen in a while. It would be different if you were partying hard all the time but one trip is nothing.

When I first started dating a former BF, he traveled to Ireland - granted, not Ibiza but still, Ireland enjoys their drink. Was I a bit apprehensive about him going initially in the beginning of our relationship? Sure, but far from me to tell him which travel locations are off limits. Unless he was taking a trip to the red light district specifically or something. 😏

I am on vacation in LA, granted I am currently single, but if a man I was in a relationship with asked me not to go I would not be pleased.

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Ireland - granted, not Ibiza but still,

Ibiza is a sex/party destination. Has nothing to do with visiting Ireland and such. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Where I live, people of all ages do indeed visit Ibiza. Not just young people.

Now, the young people are obviously usually there to party and club all night long, but there are also parts of the island where even families go for holiday. It's a hugely popular island vacation destination for Europeans in general and not always for debauchery. 

OP, I am going to guess you and your friends are going for the parties. But can you clarify? What sort of vacation are you and your friends planning? 

Edited June 3, 2024 by ExpatInItaly

[Gaeta]

You all go on youtube and check Ibiza partying or Ibiza night life. This is a place where yes, his P can accidently fall into your V.....barely joking. Parties of 500 hundred people half naked around a swimming pool that should only hold 50 people type of party. My ex bf had 2 sons of college age that went for sex marathon at Ibiza. 

[Sony12]

Unless you are married or engaged to someone and they are taking care of your children they don't really have a right to say where you can vacation to or not vacation to. If you have the means to do it and want to vacation there than simply tell your girlfriend no.

People that try to tell you what you can do or can't do when you are only dating will be ten times worse if you actually get married to them.

Edited June 3, 2024 by Sony12

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Unless you are married or engaged to someone and they are taking care of your children they don't really have a right to say where you can vacation to or not vacation to.

Marriage and children have nothing to do in this. There is a way to conduct ourselves in an exclusive romantic relationship that is different than when we're single. Going to party/sex/drug destination with 'guys' isn't considerate of a partner. If OP wants to visit the  beautiful beaches of Ibiza then he can take his girlfriend with him on their next vacations and settle on the family side of the Island. Or party all their little hearts want when together. 

You know, before getting married and having children, we judge someone by how serious and considerate they are toward us and how they prioritize our relationship. OP is 30 years old, not a college boy anymore, his actions now will dictate what type of husband he will be. 

[Sony12]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Marriage and children have nothing to do in this. There is a way to conduct ourselves in an exclusive romantic relationship that is different than when we're single. Going to party/sex/drug destination with 'guys' isn't considerate of a partner. If OP wants to visit the  beautiful beaches of Ibiza then he can take his girlfriend with him on their next vacations and settle on the family side of the Island. Or party all their little hearts want when together. 

You know, before getting married and having children, we judge someone by how serious and considerate they are toward us and how they prioritize our relationship. OP is 30 years old, not a college boy anymore, his actions now will dictate what type of husband he will be. 

Unless she has strong evidence that he is going there to have sex with another lady than she has some trust issues. Perhaps she needs to find a guy who doesn't like to party.

[Lotsgoingon]

Are these friends going there for sex and sex parties? 

I can see why a partner might be uncomfortable with you going. On the other hand, there is something "controlling" about your gf's request.

What if you and these same guys were to be going to Paris? Would she object then?

Edited June 3, 2024 by Lotsgoingon

[Alpacalia]

36 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You all go on youtube and check Ibiza partying or Ibiza night life. This is a place where yes, his P can accidently fall into your V.....barely joking. Parties of 500 hundred people half naked around a swimming pool that should only hold 50 people type of party. My ex bf had 2 sons of college age that went for sex marathon at Ibiza. 

What a minute though. Shouldn't she trust that he's not going to partake in said "sex marathons?" 

I enjoy a party scene on rare occasion and NO WAY am I partaking in sex marathons 😅

If OPs girlfriend believes he would then perhaps she's in the wrong relationship.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Ibiza is a sex/party destination. Has nothing to do with visiting Ireland and such. 

So what!

From what I've seen, the ones who fear losing you are often the ones who try to clip your wings. Of course, relationships need a healthy dose of compromise and thoughtfulness, but hey, they're not meant to feel like you're stuck in a cage or a prison.

[Gaeta]

24 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

If OPs girlfriend believes he would then perhaps she's in the wrong relationship.

OP's girlfriend knows party, alcohol, recreational drugs VERY often will lead to oopsie sex.

[Sony12]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

OP's girlfriend knows party, alcohol, recreational drugs VERY often will lead to oopsie sex.

If it does lead to oopsie sex than they probably aren't meant to be together.

[Alpacalia]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

OP's girlfriend knows party, alcohol, recreational drugs VERY often will lead to oopsie sex.

It's definitely a valid concern. But when it comes to controlling someone else's environment to mitigate those risks, things can get tricky.

The other alternative, imposing restrictions on another person's choices, leads to tension and resentment.

They have to trust each other, that you should be able to enjoy some time with your friends the same way he'd let her. It doesn't sound like OP is going out every night and partying, his friends invited him (friends that he hasn't seen in a while) and maybe that's important to him aside from the specific destination.

I don't know. I never want to be in a relationship where there's this constant feeling of being monitored or restricted, you know? It's like walking on eggshells all the time. If he's going to be unfaithful, he can go to a bar, get hammered, same thing. So, are we going to tell him he isn't allowed to go to a bar on occasion?

What about trusting each other enough to handle these situations responsibly? That's the real test of a relationship, isn't it? Being able to have faith in each other's judgment and commitment, even when temptations arise.

 

[Gaeta]

It's not that simple.

Even the most faithful man affected by lack of judgement due to alcohol in a pool full of sexy women rubbing against him would be weak. It's how human nature is. 

When we're in a relationship we have a certain responsibility to not put ourselves in situations where we could lose control. Everybody can lose control, nobody is above human nature.

Anyone wonder why his gf feels uneasy? Anyone wonder if OP is a big drinker, maybe flirty with alcohol....

[Gaeta]

@Alpacaliathis is not about going out with friends, not about monitoring your partner, not about trust either. This is about Ibiza. This is about a boyfriend who wants to go party in a far away exotique location with an around the world reputation for sex/alcohol/drug. 

[FredEire]

My take is that yes, it's a bit controlling.

Sure it has a reputation as a party/sex/drugs hub, but I've been to Ibiza and there were plenty of people there in relationships who didn't cheat.

There were a few who did also, sure, but acting like a man who is in front of scantily clad women in a bar is just powerless to resist is a bit silly. He knows what he's doing and he doesn't have the love/respect for his girlfriend to just tell any girls who are coming onto him that he's taken.

There's plenty of ways to occupy yourself in Ibiza other than having sex, you can have some drinks, pop some pills and wingman you single friends and have a great time.

Part of a healthy relationship for me is that your girlfriend should have the confidence that you can go away somewhere like this and be faithful to her. If you're going to cheat in Ibiza there's a number of bars in every city where you could do the same thing. Cheaters gonna cheat, theres always a way and a means to do it if they want to.

I've always found the old trope of "Oh I'd love to go guys but the wife won't let me" a bit stomach turning. If any partner is trying to restrict and dictate how I spend necessary social time with friends out of fear that I'll cheat on her or abandon her, I'm out. It's a lack of trust with is a key part of a healthy relationship.

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

This is about a boyfriend who wants to go party in a far away exotique location with an around the world reputation for sex/alcohol/drug. 

I agree.  It doesn't mean he's going to cheat, either.  What it probably DOES mean is that she and he are at two different stages of their lives.  In my experience, a person who is in the state of mind for a monogamous, serious relationship is not going to CHOOSE to spend their time with a bunch of singles doing singles things at a singles location.   I would not be surprised if she is waiting and hoping for him to express something similar to her.

If he was going to a ski cabin or a backpacking, rafting,  or birding expedition with likeminded friends of his and she had a problem with that - I would fault her for being controlling.   But the whole point of Ibiza is *:PARTY*.  

[Gaeta]

22 minutes ago, FredEire said:

've always found the old trope of "Oh I'd love to go guys but the wife won't let me" a bit stomach turning. If any partner is trying to restrict and dictate how I spend necessary social time with friends out of fear that I'll cheat on her or abandon her, I'm out. It's a lack of trust with is a key part of a healthy relationship.

Of course, l don't support controlling relationships.

My boyfriend travels the world for work and they're beautiful places in Europe, Africa, South America. It never crosses my mind he could cheat. If one day he tells me he's going to Ibiza with male friends on vacation l would not control him. He would just not be my boyfriend anymore.  I would never go by myself to such destination out of respect for him.  

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

@Alpacaliathis is not about going out with friends, not about monitoring your partner, not about trust either. This is about Ibiza. This is about a boyfriend who wants to go party in a far away exotique location with an around the world reputation for sex/alcohol/drug. 

Yes it is. You're making it about cheating.

 

[FredEire]

14 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I agree.  It doesn't mean he's going to cheat, either.  What it probably DOES mean is that she and he are at two different stages of their lives.  In my experience, a person who is in the state of mind for a monogamous, serious relationship is not going to CHOOSE to spend their time with a bunch of singles doing singles things at a singles location.   I would not be surprised if she is waiting and hoping for him to express something similar to her.

If he was going to a ski cabin or a backpacking, rafting,  or birding expedition with likeminded friends of his and she had a problem with that - I would fault her for being controlling.   But the whole point of Ibiza is *:PARTY*.  

And party = sex?

As OP mentioned he hasn't seen these friends in quite a while, it's something that's important to him, there's a host of other things you can do in Ibiza that don't involve cheating on your girlfriend.

Meh, if you like to party and end up in a relationship to me that shouldn't necessitate that you no longer like to party and only spend your time in knitting groups, to each their own.

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes it is. You're making it about cheating.

 

I'm not that simplistic. Yes it's about cheating but not planned cheating, it's about understanding humans are not perfect and good people sometimes will cheat if all elements are reunited. It's also about knowing our place while in a relationship, it's about being sensitive to our partner, it's about not given them worry by having behavior that screams l miss the life of a single guy. It's so much more than just being about cheating.

[basil67]

Meh, if he's likely to get drunk and cheat in Ibiza, then he's likely to get drunk and cheat at any raucous alcohol and drug fueled party.