Controlling request or valid boundary?

[FredEire]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I'm not that simplistic. Yes it's about cheating but not planned cheating, it's about understanding humans are not perfect and good people sometimes will cheat if all elements are reunited. It's also about knowing our place while in a relationship, it's about being sensitive to our partner, it's about not given them worry by having behavior that screams l miss the life of a single guy. It's so much more than just being about cheating.

I disagree. I think if someone is in love with and fully committed to their partner there's no amount of sexy twerking women or hot oiled up body builders you could put in front of them that would make them countenance doing the dirty on their partner.

People cheat because they want to cheat. There is something lacking in what they have that they think they can get from someone else.

[Alpacalia]

  

20 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I'm not that simplistic. Yes it's about cheating but not planned cheating, it's about understanding humans are not perfect and good people sometimes will cheat if all elements are reunited. It's also about knowing our place while in a relationship, it's about being sensitive to our partner, it's about not given them worry by having behavior that screams l miss the life of a single guy. It's so much more than just being about cheating.

C'mon Gaeta. His girlfriend doesn't want him to go because, and I quote "it's not a good look."

I get that she will have concerns in general, most people would, but to let it cause a relationship problem or try to convince you not to go is too far. 

Again, OP is not out every weekend partying --- he wants to go on a trip with his friends. If he cheats, then she can dump him.

But the issue is how much she trusts him, not him going away with friends...her issue not his.

Besides, research does show that people are more prone to infidelity when they experience a high level of psychological distress. 

Edited June 3, 2024 by Alpacalia

[FredEire]

14 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

  

C'mon Gaeta. His girlfriend doesn't want him to go because, and I quote "it's not a good look."

I get that she will have concerns in general, most people would, but to let it cause a relationship problem or try to convince you not to go is too far. 

Again, OP is not out every weekend partying --- he wants to go on a trip with his friends. If he cheats, then she can dump him.

But the issue is how much she trusts him, not him going away with friends...her issue not his.

Besides, research does show that people are more prone to infidelity when they experience a high level of psychological distress. 

That last paragraph is interesting, sort of explains the feedback loop you sometimes see of jealous, paranoid, controlling relationship and then cheating which then confirms the jealous and controlling behaviour. A sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.

[Gaeta]

23 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

"it's not a good look

I understand what she means. I agree with her.

It's like your boyfriend going to strippers clubs. Sure he's not cheating but it's not a good look on a boyfriend. 

[FredEire]

Just now, Gaeta said:

I understand what she means. I agree with her.

It's like your boyfriend going to strippers clubs. Sure he's not cheating but it's not a good look on a boyfriend. 

It's not at all like going to a strip club, people go to strip clubs expressly to watch naked women dance and maybe pay to have them dance on their lap or in some cases something more.

People go to Ibiza to drink, take drugs, enjoy the music and generally have a good time. Some of those people may also hook up and have sex but many of them won't.

[basil67]

@celticsfan2345 I feel like this thread has taken a life of it's own without you.   We know nothing about you or your mates or the way you party, so perhaps you could give us more info

For instance, what are you planning to do there?   (You can be honest, this is anonymous!)   What part of the island are you staying on?   If (when) you join a big party, are you likely to take party drugs or is alcohol your drug of choice?  

If the tables were turned and it was your girlfriend planning this vacation with her friends, how would you feel about it?

[NuevoYorko]

56 minutes ago, FredEire said:

And party = sex?

No.  I'm not hung up on the sex question.   I feel like a whole week or whatever of getting drunk and clubbing with a group of buddies is something that has a "season" and probably would be left behind at some stage of life.  Seems like this is the case here.

When I was seriously looking for a partner I would not have chosen someone who would choose to spend their resources that way. Yes, I did outgrow the desire to be partying in clubs very much and it ended up dwindling to never wanting to do it.  

A night out with friends in a club or whatever is different and so is a vacation with friends who have similar interests.  If those similar interests are drinking and partying in clubs for many consecutive nights I would just move on.

 

[Alpacalia]

4 minutes ago, FredEire said:

People go to Ibiza to drink, take drugs, enjoy the music and generally have a good time. Some of those people may also hook up and have sex but many of them won't.

Right.

I went to a DJ Tiesto concert when I was single in Miami. The entire crowd was on ecstasy. Did I take it? No way. I actually left after a few minutes because it was too insane. I wanted to go because I enjoyed the music and being there with friends but just because someone is using drugs doesn't mean you have to follow suit. I get the whole peer pressure thing.

Sure, it might've been a wild scene with everyone buzzing on ecstasy, but people can still stay true to himself/herself. Peer pressure can be a real pain, especially in those kinds of situations where it feels like you're the odd one out.

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

No.  I'm not hung up on the sex question.   I feel like a whole week or whatever of getting drunk and clubbing with a group of buddies is something that has a "season" and probably would be left behind at some stage of life.  Seems like this is the case here.

When I was seriously looking for a partner I would not have chosen someone who would choose to spend their resources that way. Yes, I did outgrow the desire to be partying in clubs very much and it ended up dwindling to never wanting to do it.  

A night out with friends in a club or whatever is different and so is a vacation with friends who have similar interests.  If those similar interests are drinking and partying in clubs for many consecutive nights I would just move on.

 

Yeah I suppose that's a fair point, OP didn't expressly say anything about infidelity being the issue. I mean I've met couples in their 40s who are both still big into drugs and parties, but it's a good match because they both love it.

If she's a quiet stay at home person and he's a raver it may just be a mismatch in personality and habits.

I'm 30 and still like a drink and a party at times but I can take it or leave it these days mostly because of the savage hangovers and feeling it adversely affects my health much more than it used to. I could care less about drunkly hooking up with some girl for one night, when that was something I wanted to pursue in my early 20s.

So yes it usually has a season naturally as our lives progress. But some people just love the scene more than others. Maybe they're just on different pages.

[celticsfan2345]

22 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@celticsfan2345 I feel like this thread has taken a life of it's own without you.   We know nothing about you or your mates or the way you party, so perhaps you could give us more info

For instance, what are you planning to do there?   (You can be honest, this is anonymous!)   What part of the island are you staying on?   If (when) you join a big party, are you likely to take party drugs or is alcohol your drug of choice?  

If the tables were turned and it was your girlfriend planning this vacation with her friends, how would you feel about it?

I have loved watching the debate ensue! Very enlightening for me. Mirrors the back and forth going on in my head.

What am I planning to do there: go to electronic music shows, spend time on the beach, all with my friends.

What part of the island: I'm not sure, I didn't organize. I think we'll be in the popular spots for sure.

Drugs/Alc: Alcohol yes, but I don't get crazy drunk. Just a buzz is good for me. I don't do anything more than weed otherwise.

Tables Turned: This is a good question and one I thought about. I think initially I would have felt weird if she went on a girls trip, especially with single girls, to go out in, say, Miami. But if the context was that she hasn't seen these friends for a bit and she really misses them / wants to hang out and I know she isn't a party girl otherwise, then I'd like to think I'd be okay with it. I would celebrate it.

 

The last context I'll add for now is that this isn't a trip I would have planned myself per se. I'm not a serious raver by any means. I like spending time with friends regardless of the context. Not that I'm opposed to going out to EDM shows and clubs. For me, it's not about going to Ibiza for Ibiza's sake - it's about going to be with my buddies. The place doesn't matter, but it does make me sad that I would have to miss an opportunity to be with them when such opportunities don't come around often.

Edited June 3, 2024 by celticsfan2345
More context

[Gebidozo]

What an interesting discussion. Both sides have argued really well, I can totally see their respective viewpoints.

In the end, I think I’ll join @Gaeta and @NuevoYorko. I just asked myself how I would feel if my lady went with her friends to a destination specifically known for its wild nightlife. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable. I wouldn’t be jealous because I know she wouldn’t cheat, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable. I’d be fine with one night like that, but not a whole vacation in that vein in another country. 

[Alpacalia]

7 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

What an interesting discussion. Both sides have argued really well, I can totally see their respective viewpoints.

In the end, I think I’ll join @Gaeta and @NuevoYorko. I just asked myself how I would feel if my lady went with her friends to a destination specifically known for its wild nightlife. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable. I wouldn’t be jealous because I know she wouldn’t cheat, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable. I’d be fine with one night like that, but not a whole vacation in that vein in another country. 

Yeah and you've also taken issue with your significant others sexual past before you so it makes sense.

[basil67]

54 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Yeah and you've also taken issue with your significant others sexual past before you so it makes sense.

That was a bit rude, especially as he's not the OP 

Edited June 4, 2024 by basil67

[Gaeta]

54 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Yeah and you've also taken issue with your significant others sexual past before you so it makes sense.

That's a cheap shot. You're better than this.

[Alpacalia]

34 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

That's a cheap shot. You're better than this.

It's absolutely relevant because understanding someone's past and their comfort levels in a relationship provides important context for their current feelings. It's not a cheap shot; it's about recognizing how past experiences influence our boundaries and expectations.

 

[basil67]

15 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

“A” did not say or imply anything rude (nor does she ever). She was just giving her opinion 

If @Gebidozo had referred to his own history when responding to this thread, I would not have said anything.  

Edited June 4, 2024 by basil67

[MsJayne]

My partner goes on trips with his mates, and, truthfully, I'm always thrilled to have a the week to myself, but these are real guys trips , mainly fishing or something to do with cars. If he told me he was going for a week in Bangkok with his mates I'd have a problem with it because they've picked the sleaze capital of the world as a holiday destination. The place is chocka-block full of stunning women who swarm all over drunk tourists. Ibiza has a similar reputation. Why not just go for a holiday in a brothel if you want to make your girl really uncomfortable? I wouldn't stop my partner from going, but I would question whether he was the guy for me. 

[Alpacalia]

OP, your GF should see this trip to Ibiza as a chance to be free and have fun with your friends that you rarely see, not sulking about who you're going to have sex with. This is ONE trip. You can’t force people to stay loyal by forbidding them from going on vacation. If you were hanging out all the time at strip joints then I would say your GF may have a point, but this is hardly that extreme/to that extent.

Edited June 4, 2024 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, Gaeta said:

You all go on youtube and check Ibiza partying or Ibiza night life. 

Sorry Gaeta, but you are missing a lot of information about Ibiza if you believe this is all that happens on the island, or if this is the only demographic the place attracts. 

Ibiza is certainly not limited to the wild parties you find on Youtube. I have friends and colleagues here in Italy who go there every summer and there are a more than a few who aren't visiting the party-central towns. It's not as though the entire island is what you have Googled. I suggest you do a little more research to get better-informed since you appear to have a pretty skewed idea about what the place actually is. There is much more to it than the hard-paryting side. 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

There is much more to it than the hard-paryting side. 

OP has confirmed he's going to the popular spot for the Electronic Shows. 

[Alpacalia]

How is this different from a regular concert?

 

[Gaeta]

21 hours ago, celticsfan2345 said:

One of my trusted guy friends, when he caught wind of the situation, thinks it’s a red flag and controlling from her.

Did your girlfriend tell you not to go? No. A controlling person would have told you "l don't want you to go".

What your girlfriend did is "communicate" to you her discomfort with this trip and she went in details and explained why. She could have said nothing and let resentment build up, that usually kills love.

So now you know how she feels, have you asked her what would make her feel better about this trip?

Watch out about that guy friend and his advise. He went straight at your girlfriend's throat. You're the guardian of your relationship, don't let people attack her character like this. If she's not a good girlfriend then that's another thread.

[Sony12]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Did your girlfriend tell you not to go? No. A controlling person would have told you "l don't want you to go".

What your girlfriend did is "communicate" to you her discomfort with this trip and she went in details and explained why. She could have said nothing and let resentment build up, that usually kills love.

So now you know how she feels, have you asked her what would make her feel better about this trip?

Watch out about that guy friend and his advise. He went straight at your girlfriend's throat. You're the guardian of your relationship, don't let people attack her character like this. If she's not a good girlfriend then that's another thread.

The girlfriend said 'it's not something people in a committed relationship do'. She in a very passive aggressive way did tell him not to go. A trusting person would have said 'Have fun with your friends. Keep in touch with me while you are there. And remember 99% of the girls there won't blow you the way I do.'

Edited June 4, 2024 by Sony12

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Sony12 said:

The girlfriend said 'it's not something people in a committed relationship do'. She in a very passive aggressive way did tell him not to go. A trusting person would have said 'Have fun with your friends. Keep in touch with me while you are there. And remember 99% of the girls there won't blow you the way I do.'

You know what, the world is not perfect, relationships are not perfect and people are not perfect. Even the most confident people have their weak moment. They are in a relationship, they are supposed to be sensitive to each others feelings. She was sensitive enough to not ask him to stay, he should be sensitive enough to ask her what would make her feel better about the trip.

[Sony12]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

You know what, the world is not perfect, relationships are not perfect and people are not perfect. Even the most confident people have their weak moment. They are in a relationship, they are supposed to be sensitive to each others feelings. She was sensitive enough to not ask him to stay, he should be sensitive enough to ask her what would make her feel better about the trip.

And by the same token a lady who is only a 'girlfriend' has no right to say what he can or can't do during his free time or in how much time he can spend with his friends. Controlling habits tend to only get worse the more serious things become.