Controlling request or valid boundary?

[celticsfan2345]

On 6/4/2024 at 2:14 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

@celticsfan2345you've gotten great (and vigorously argued) comments. 

What's your updated thinking after looking at the comments?

 

I appreciate everyone's input.

 

After talking to my therapist and close friends more in-depth (who all agree with @Alpacalia's POV btw) and really just checking in with myself, I have come to the conclusion that I need to make it clear that a non-negotiable for me in a relationship is that absent of any prior commitments to each other, time with friends is prioritized and never infringed upon. Simply being uncomfortable with a location in itself is not valid grounds to veto a trip with friends. A trip with friends is not the type of thing can be vetoed. Specific activities can be vetoed, like going to strip clubs (which have the direct intention of sexual gratification from another person) or giving my number to any women who ask, but outside of that, making assumptions about what I will do on a trip based on the "temptations" present and being more worried about the "optics" of me taking that trip rather than trusting my character is not something I'm okay with. I just feel suffocated with the whole thing.

There's a lot more context here, a lot more things that were said between us, and a lot more that I'm thinking about as I bring this all up to her in conversation. I'm a little nervous, not going to lie. But I can't continue feeling like my social life is at the mercy of her comfort levels, which seem to me right now to be largely based on the "optics" of the trip.

Perhaps I will make a post with the full context in the future for more general advice, which I could definitely use.

[Gaeta]

Before throwing all that at her,  about asking her what would make her feel better about the trip?

It's unclear, did she, or did she not, ask you to not go?

Did she at any time insinuate you could cheat? Because you left this out of your story.

I'm reading your update and l'm feeling there is a lot of context missing, you also did not reply to our questions like is she the controlling  type to begin with? 

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, sounds like you reached some strong clarity. Really great that you shared this dilemma with therapists and friends. 

The worst move to make is to agree to a request we don't like or respect ... and then to hold resentment. That's the worst. Only we can know if we will hold resentment. 

Good luck. 

Edited June 5 by Lotsgoingon

[basil67]

@celticsfan2345 I love how you've considered all advice, plus spoken to a professional and figured out what's right for you.  

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, celticsfan2345 said:

There's a lot more context here, a lot more things that were said between us, and a lot more that I'm thinking about as I bring this all up to her in conversation. I'm a little nervous, not going to lie. But I can't continue feeling like my social life is at the mercy of her comfort levels, which seem to me right now to be largely based on the "optics" of the trip.

I feel like it's a matter of almost questioning your character because there are going to be "temptations" present and I don't think that is fair.  

Based on what exactly? Electronic music? Does someone that listens to electronic music have a greater likelihood of committing infidelity? 

It's a tough conversation to have, and one that requires a lot of vulnerability and honesty from both parties. It sounds like you are really struggling with feeling suffocated in this relationship and feeling like your social life is at the mercy of your partner's comfort levels. That is definitely not a sustainable or healthy dynamic in a relationship.

If you go on this trip and do something foolish --> that's on you and you will learn the hard way. I have been to an electronic show and yes, it was cray, I left after 10-15 minutes, no drugs nor sex. Just there with friends and family.

Have there been any instances in the past where trust has been broken or boundaries have been crossed? Is there something else that may be fueling these concerns? I know you alluded to some things in the past that have caused tension between you two, so perhaps addressing those underlying issues can help provide some clarity on this matter.

[Gebidozo]

20 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

What is "proper behavior" in a relationship? Does that entail not going on vacation with your friends to another country that some people incorrectly view solely as a sex fueled orgy scene?

 

If it’s viewed incorrectly, then sure, going there wouldn’t be improper behavior. 

My opinion is based on the assumption that the destination of their vacation is a sex fueled orgy scene. In which case I wouldn’t view the OP’s GF’s request not to go there as controlling.

If this assumption is wrong and he is just going on a completely innocent vacation, then I’m ready to join your camp😄

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

If it’s viewed incorrectly, then sure, going there wouldn’t be improper behavior. 

My opinion is based on the assumption that the destination of their vacation is a sex fueled orgy scene. In which case I wouldn’t view the OP’s GF’s request not to go there as controlling.

If this assumption is wrong and he is just going on a completely innocent vacation, then I’m ready to join your camp😄

Ibiza is a party scene, not a sex fuelled orgy scene. The orgies are there Im sure if you want, but you have to seek them out. It's not at all like a strip club, which is a very bad comparison.

I think part of the issue is that people are posting stateside and have an image of Ibiza but don't really know what it is. I went to Ibiza when I was 20 and (though I would have liked to 😂) I didn't see a single naked woman the three days I was there. Naked women sliding down poles all the time is more descriptive of parts of Amsterdam. When I was there it was mostly just drunk and/or high people dancing the night away.

[Alpacalia]

10 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

If it’s viewed incorrectly, then sure, going there wouldn’t be improper behavior. 

My opinion is based on the assumption that the destination of their vacation is a sex fueled orgy scene. In which case I wouldn’t view the OP’s GF’s request not to go there as controlling.

If this assumption is wrong and he is just going on a completely innocent vacation, then I’m ready to join your camp😄

But you're assuming that any vacation in a location known for its wild party scene is inherently a "sex fueled orgy scene." That is not necessarily the case. People can vacation in these places for the beautiful beaches, cultural experiences, and other attractions the location has to offer. Just because a location may have a reputation for a certain type of activity does not mean that that is the sole purpose or experience of every person who visits. Judging someone's vacation plans solely based on the location without considering their intentions or plans is unfair.  

I am sure OP's friends want to party and what not, but that doesn't mean OP is expected to fully participate or engage in those activities to a high degree. He can go on the trip and still have his own boundaries and limits. Also, assuming that a vacation destination automatically equals a certain type of behavior or lifestyle can be quite judgmental and close-minded. Not all people who vacation in certain locations conform to a specific stereotype or expectation. So it's unfair to label them as such just based on their vacation plans.

[Els]

23 hours ago, celticsfan2345 said:

After talking to my therapist and close friends more in-depth (who all agree with @Alpacalia's POV btw) and really just checking in with myself, I have come to the conclusion that I need to make it clear that a non-negotiable for me in a relationship is that absent of any prior commitments to each other, time with friends is prioritized and never infringed upon. Simply being uncomfortable with a location in itself is not valid grounds to veto a trip with friends. A trip with friends is not the type of thing can be vetoed. Specific activities can be vetoed, like going to strip clubs (which have the direct intention of sexual gratification from another person) or giving my number to any women who ask, but outside of that, making assumptions about what I will do on a trip based on the "temptations" present and being more worried about the "optics" of me taking that trip rather than trusting my character is not something I'm okay with. I just feel suffocated with the whole thing

Of course, it's your life and your choice. If you value this relationship, though, I'd recommend talking to her about what specific activities she is worried about you doing in Ibiza, and offering to abstain from those.

If your friends do end up going to drug-fueled parties every day, though, are you genuinely comfortable not joining them and doing things by yourself instead?