californiagirl15 Posted June 3 Share Posted June 3 I was blindsided by a breakup recently, both me and my now ex are in our mid 20s. It was a very bizarre situation and I am trying to wrap my head around everything. I know that I am not a mind reader and cannot always know everything - but I am looking for some insight here. We were together for 6 months. I know not a long time, but I really did see this person as someone I could spend the rest of my life with. He woke up very early in the morning for work, so would go to bed around 8pm every night. Sometimes even working on Saturdays. I was very respectful and understanding of his work schedule so we saw each other every weekend. Earlier on in the relationship, we would see each other once during the week days but I felt bad having him drive in, pay to park his car in a garage, then be up later than he preferred. He also had multiple roommates so I didn't want to be that girlfriend that was always at the house, so I was fine with seeing him on weekends only. He made a comment a few times about how we used to see each other during the week, I told him I felt like I was inconveniencing him with his work schedule. He actually ended up thanking me and saying he appreciated it. He always followed the same exact routine every day, and was very adamant of doing so. I was respectful of that and never asked him to change his routine for my sake. I felt very secure with him so I was content and happy with how I was being treated. Anways... we had a very loving relationship in my eyes. We never argued, had similar interests, all of his interests I also took part in and found activities I thought he would like for us to do together. His family and friends loved me. We went on a vacation together, 3 days later he told me he woke up with a gut feeling that I just was not the one/couldnt see a future with me and dumped me after thinking about it for several days. I was completely blindsided because on the very last day of the trip he mentioned it was our 6 month anniversary and told me how lucky he was to have me and how much he loved me. I asked him what was that all of that about if he was just going to break up with me anyways, he said he meant it but was just focusing on the moment... and that he took the 6 month milestone as a reason to re asses if he could see himself truly having a future with me. I would surprise him with little gifts, I always told him how much I loved him. He would always cook when we were together (he was really picky about the certain ingredients he ate/preferred to eat at home than eat at a restaurant) so I would often help out with cleaning his house, I'd do the dishes after the fact etc. He was a very stoic person so sometimes he was hard to read, when that was the case I would just check in with him and make sure everything was okay. He would always respond with something along the lines of everything is great I'm with my beautiful girlfriend! I was lost and confused as to how this even came about, we never argued, there were never any problems mentioned. When he was breaking up with me, he said I was nothing but nice, thoughtful, caring towards him but he just couldnt see a future with me because he is more laid back and I am not. I was shocked. I asked for examples and he mentioned I was weirdly obsessive about little things, he said I was not remotely clingy towards him which he appreciated but it was more so the fact that I would spreadsheets to feel organized about certain things and making sure my door was locked etc. Those were all things I did not on my own time and did not put on him. He had a ton of weird things about him that I accepted & embraced because I loved him. A lot more niche interests and hobbies than I did thats for sure. The things he listed off as my quirks did not even seem remotely weird nor did it ever interfere with our relationship. I'm heartbroken and trying to figure out what I did wrong. He treated me like a princess, I felt so spoiled and loved I just never envisioned him breaking my heart like this. I feel scared to start over because I felt so lucky to have found him. I'm just paranoid he felt like not a priority because I only saw him friday-sunday, although that was not mentioned for a reason during the break up. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted June 4 Share Posted June 4 You didn't do anything wrong. Sadly, I think he was very honest with you: He just didn't see future potential. It's not uncommon for a person to take a real look at how things are going at milestone times, and 6 months is one of those. I know it doesn't make it any less painful. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 4 Share Posted June 4 (edited) I'm only guessing, but I feel like one of the problems is you think too much. Your whole thread was about how you tried to make his life easy....but I feel you overdid it. I'm guessing that he's so laid back that he didn't ever say "how about you let me decide if visiting you on a weeknight is too much" and he didn't say "don't worry about my flatmates. If you come just once or twice a week, they won't care". In both these cases, it sounds like you made unilateral decisions. It sounds like he also didn't mention that sometimes he just likes to keep himself to himself and you don't need to check he's OK. And perhaps he didn't need you to help him clean the house in return for him cooking meals. And how often did you ask him to do a thing which may not have been his first choice? Give and take is really important in a relationship On the topic of the spreadsheet, it's not the fact that you do a spreadsheet without inconveniencing him. It's what it represents. Outside of a workplace, I imagine it's pretty rare for someone to plan their lives to this degree. It makes me wonder how flexible you are. If you have spreadsheeted a whole day with things which aren't important deadlines, can you happily change plans if he wants to do something with you? And what's the issue with making sure you've closed the door? Obviously it's important, but why does it deserve mentioning? I ask this with no judgement: do you have OCD? Edited June 4 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 4 Share Posted June 4 Rather than asking for examples or trying to refute the reasons someoene gives when ending it, it's best to let it go gracefully. That's much easier said than done, I know. But if someone is not feeling it and wants to move on, it doesn't make sense to try to talk them out of it. It is not a good feeling to continue a relationship when you know the other person does not want to be there. It sounds as though he maybe had not been totally honest with you leading up to ending it. In other words, he was going through some of the motions and maybe trying to get himself to feel something that wasn't quite there for him. Some dumpers do this not out of malicious intent but rather as a last-ditch effort (for themselves) to see if they really want to walk away or not. It appears that he tried but knew he couldn't string you along when he didn't see a future together. It hurts a lot, but it is for the best if he's just not on the same page. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author californiagirl15 Posted June 4 Author Share Posted June 4 (edited) 5 hours ago, basil67 said: I'm only guessing, but I feel like one of the problems is you think too much. Your whole thread was about how you tried to make his life easy....but I feel you overdid it. I'm guessing that he's so laid back that he didn't ever say "how about you let me decide if visiting you on a weeknight is too much" and he didn't say "don't worry about my flatmates. If you come just once or twice a week, they won't care". In both these cases, it sounds like you made unilateral decisions. It sounds like he also didn't mention that sometimes he just likes to keep himself to himself and you don't need to check he's OK. And perhaps he didn't need you to help him clean the house in return for him cooking meals. And how often did you ask him to do a thing which may not have been his first choice? Give and take is really important in a relationship On the topic of the spreadsheet, it's not the fact that you do a spreadsheet without inconveniencing him. It's what it represents. Outside of a workplace, I imagine it's pretty rare for someone to plan their lives to this degree. It makes me wonder how flexible you are. If you have spreadsheeted a whole day with things which aren't important deadlines, can you happily change plans if he wants to do something with you? And what's the issue with making sure you've closed the door? Obviously it's important, but why does it deserve mentioning? I ask this with no judgement: do you have OCD? I didn’t really ask him to do much that wouldn’t be his first choice. If I planned something out it would be an activity he would like (sports game, gym-related) or just a basic dinner reservation. There were plenty of weekends where we wouldn’t have any plans and just go with the flow/hang out I did not make spreadsheets of random days in my life - I made one before a vacation because I was mapping out which days we were doing activities since they were pre paid/ I wanted to visualize for myself what we had going on so we weren’t overbooked with stuff to do. The vacation ended up being 5 days, only 2 activities planned - the rest was down time. It also didn’t go to plan which I was fine with and didn’t mind at all. I also don’t know the issue of me double checking about the door - that was just an example I was given by him. Edited June 4 by californiagirl15 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 4 Share Posted June 4 Sometimes we meet a wonderful person and feel they would make a great partner. We spend time with them hoping to fall in love and perhaps faking it until we feel it. I think that's what happened here. He probably wanted to fall in love with you but realized after 6 months it wasn't going to happen and ended it. I would just let it go and move on. Sorry you got hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author californiagirl15 Posted June 4 Author Share Posted June 4 44 minutes ago, stillafool said: Sometimes we meet a wonderful person and feel they would make a great partner. We spend time with them hoping to fall in love and perhaps faking it until we feel it. I think that's what happened here. He probably wanted to fall in love with you but realized after 6 months it wasn't going to happen and ended it. I would just let it go and move on. Sorry you got hurt. Yeah I guess - if that was the case, why would he have said it first? He made the first move on every step we took. And why say all of those things just days before ending it? It just seems weird Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted June 4 Share Posted June 4 6 hours ago, californiagirl15 said: Yeah I guess - if that was the case, why would he have said it first? He made the first move on every step we took. And why say all of those things just days before ending it? It just seems weird It's not weird. He said all the things ... he definitely liked you a lot but, sadly, it was not quite right for him. You do need to understand that he knows how he feels and he told you. Please respect and accept that it's over. His reasons do not have to make sense to you and he does not need to explain things "better" so you understand. He is ready to move on and it's time for you to start your healing process. I'm sorry that you got hurt. It feels like crap, I know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 4 Share Posted June 4 13 hours ago, californiagirl15 said: I didn’t really ask him to do much that wouldn’t be his first choice. If I planned something out it would be an activity he would like (sports game, gym-related) or just a basic dinner reservation. There were plenty of weekends where we wouldn’t have any plans and just go with the flow/hang out I did not make spreadsheets of random days in my life - I made one before a vacation because I was mapping out which days we were doing activities since they were pre paid/ I wanted to visualize for myself what we had going on so we weren’t overbooked with stuff to do. The vacation ended up being 5 days, only 2 activities planned - the rest was down time. It also didn’t go to plan which I was fine with and didn’t mind at all. I also don’t know the issue of me double checking about the door - that was just an example I was given by him. Thanks for clarifying about the single spreadsheet and organising. I was just trying to figure out why he would have cited this as an issue at all. I tend to agree with the others that he was trying to make it work, but in the end had to be honest with himself about not feeing it. There's still a lot of odd things though: May I ask why you only planned activities which were his preference? Was it that he'd be a grump and refuse to participate if you wanted to go to, say, an art show? And how did he feel about only seeing each other on weekends? Was he fine with it, or did he want you to visit him on a weeknight or two? And how did he react when you said that him visiting you at your place was too expensive and kept him out too late? If he was keen on you, surely he would have pushed back on your concerns. I'm asking these questions because it all sounds like a very odd way of dating. It's almost like you were going out of your way to not inconvenience him at the slightest...but good relationships actually involve a lot of give and take and compromise. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted June 4 Share Posted June 4 24 minutes ago, basil67 said: I'm asking these questions because it all sounds like a very odd way of dating. It's almost like you were going out of your way to not inconvenience him at the slightest...but good relationships actually involve a lot of give and take and compromise. A lot of OP's behavior is actually "controlling" though not in a negative way. Taking charge, planning, shielding, not letting him decide for himself whether he was too tired or whatever. And, a spreadsheet could fall into this category too. If ex bf wants to be more "go with the flow" and figure things out as he goes, this might not have been working quite right for him. And a lot of people don't like others to "take care" of their emotions - if something bothers them, they'd prefer to deal with that themselves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 4 Share Posted June 4 7 hours ago, californiagirl15 said: Yeah I guess - if that was the case, why would he have said it first? He made the first move on every step we took. And why say all of those things just days before ending it? It just seems weird It is weird. But in the end he told you the truth and no man who saw a future with you would tell you that he didn't and then let you go. That is all you have to remember in order to get over him asap. Luckily you both are in your 20s and only dated 6 months, so it should be easier to move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 4 Share Posted June 4 2 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: A lot of OP's behavior is actually "controlling" though not in a negative way. Taking charge, planning, shielding, not letting him decide for himself whether he was too tired or whatever. I think this behaviour was way OTT Link to post Share on other sites
Author californiagirl15 Posted June 4 Author Share Posted June 4 37 minutes ago, basil67 said: Thanks for clarifying about the single spreadsheet and organising. I was just trying to figure out why he would have cited this as an issue at all. I tend to agree with the others that he was trying to make it work, but in the end had to be honest with himself about not feeing it. There's still a lot of odd things though: May I ask why you only planned activities which were his preference? Was it that he'd be a grump and refuse to participate if you wanted to go to, say, an art show? And how did he feel about only seeing each other on weekends? Was he fine with it, or did he want you to visit him on a weeknight or two? And how did he react when you said that him visiting you at your place was too expensive and kept him out too late? If he was keen on you, surely he would have pushed back on your concerns. I'm asking these questions because it all sounds like a very odd way of dating. It's almost like you were going out of your way to not inconvenience him at the slightest...but good relationships actually involve a lot of give and take and compromise. He had random interests, so if there was something going on in the weekend that fell into one of those interests I would ask if he wanted to do it together. I only told him he didn’t have to visit me during the week because he would make comments about needing to get home immediately to get to bed for work. When I told him I understood and with his work schedule if it made more sense to just do weekends that was fine too, he thanked me and said he appreciated it actually. It wasn’t like I was telling him he couldn’t come over or vice versa. Link to post Share on other sites
Author californiagirl15 Posted June 4 Author Share Posted June 4 14 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: A lot of OP's behavior is actually "controlling" though not in a negative way. Taking charge, planning, shielding, not letting him decide for himself whether he was too tired or whatever. And, a spreadsheet could fall into this category too. If ex bf wants to be more "go with the flow" and figure things out as he goes, this might not have been working quite right for him. And a lot of people don't like others to "take care" of their emotions - if something bothers them, they'd prefer to deal with that themselves. Thanks for the input but being called controlling was the exact opposite of how I acted in complete honesty… I told him he didn’t have to drive out of his way to visit me during the week because he was adamant about his routine and was always trying to get home to get to bed for work… he thanked me and appreciated that I didn’t give him a difficult time for his work schedule. and what exactly was I shielding? When it comes to planning I only planned to go out to eat every now and then or a couple restaurants for when we went on vacation. I let him decide where he wanted to eat. I feel like this couldn’t be any less controlling here Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 4 Share Posted June 4 6 minutes ago, californiagirl15 said: He had random interests, so if there was something going on in the weekend that fell into one of those interests I would ask if he wanted to do it together. But did you ever do things with him that were your interests? If not, why not? Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted June 5 Share Posted June 5 39 minutes ago, californiagirl15 said: Thanks for the input but being called controlling was the exact opposite of how I acted in complete honesty… I told him he didn’t have to drive out of his way to visit me during the week But that was HIS decision to make. Not giving him a hard time is one thing. Telling him what he did or didn't have to do is another altogether. 39 minutes ago, californiagirl15 said: and what exactly was I shielding? When it comes to planning I only planned to go out to eat every now and then or a couple restaurants for when we went on vacation. I let him decide where he wanted to eat. I feel like this couldn’t be any less controlling here Yes, I know you don't feel like there was anything wrong. From your descriptions, I personally would have felt like you were in my business where you did not need to be. Maybe that was not the case between you. Regardless, he was not "feeling it" like he needed to in your relationship so he has moved on now. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted June 5 Share Posted June 5 On 6/4/2024 at 5:52 AM, californiagirl15 said: When he was breaking up with me, he said I was nothing but nice, thoughtful, caring towards him but he just couldnt see a future with me because he is more laid back and I am not. I was shocked. I asked for examples and he mentioned I was weirdly obsessive about little things, he said I was not remotely clingy towards him which he appreciated but it was more so the fact that I would spreadsheets to feel organized about certain things and making sure my door was locked etc. People break up for the weirdest of reasons. I know a couple who lived together for 20 years, raised a kid, and then the wife broke up with the husband because, in her words, she couldn’t bear his lack of hygiene. She is obsessed with cleanliness, everything in the apartment has to shine, so I’m pretty sure the husband just had regular habits, but still wasn’t hygienic enough for her. I don’t understand that, and I believe that behind every such ridiculous reason there lies a deeper, true reason. I believe that such differences in hygienic habits (or in organizational habits, like in your case, or in any habits really) can, and should be mutually accepted, perhaps with some compromises, if people truly love each other. I can be very controlling, hyper-organized, and almost obsessive about certain things. My fiancée is just the opposite, completely laid-back person who can’t stand planning or tight schedules. Of course we had clashes over that. We’ve addressed those differences and worked on compromises. I’m sorry, but it appears that your ex didn’t love you enough, didn’t accept you for who you were. I know it was unexpected and you’re in pain, but time will pass and you’ll find someone who won’t break up with you over such things. Perhaps you could console yourself with the thought that it’s a good thing he broke up with you now and not after 20 years of marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted June 5 Share Posted June 5 You don't have to have done anything "wrong" for him to have ended the relationship. You could have done your very best but he decided that you two aren't compatible for a long term relationship. Analyzing this to death isn't going to make this any easier. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 (edited) You didn't have to do anything "wrong" for him to want to break up with you. Sounds like you were all around quite attentive and considerate of his situation. No, people decide they don't want to date us (and that includes you with other people) because having seen the person's best---having seen someone NOT doing anything really wrong--we still find ourselves doubting the relationship. Now there are two red flags I see here that you missed. He was a very stoic person so sometimes he was hard to read, when that was the case I would just check in with him and make sure everything was okay. Sorry, this is no such thing as stoic and hard to read in the first six months of a relationship. Early on we need effusive and precise reassurance and words. Stoic and hard to read mean are terrible qualities early on. It means they are keeping distance, quietly unhappy about something or just incapable of intimacy with you. If the other person can't express their affections for you in the way you want their affections, stop! Simple as that. Stop. You can't rely on an honest answer when you ask the stoic person about what's going on. Because they may not tell you what is really going on inside and may not have the words to describe what's going on. Pay attention to how you feel and how they act. Next time you want your alarm system to sound off when someone is distant--no matter how they explain it! Another red flag. He would always respond with something along the lines of everything is great I'm with my beautiful girlfriend! That line is so generic and lame. Recognizing someone's beauty recognizing means nothing about the quality of a relationship and how comfortable someone is with us. He should have been able to rattle off ten highly things (beyond beauty) about why he wants to be with you. Edited June 6 by Lotsgoingon Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts