Engagement Ring - Buyers Remorse!

[1HappyGoLucky]

My partner has not yet proposed, but advised of his intentions, we have been ring shopping together and he has put a $2k down payment on the ring, which is, reasonably expensive ($5k total), he emphasised he wanted me to have a ring I was proud of (we've been together for 8yrs and both have reasonable careers and income). After this happened he asked me to contribute $1k to the cost, I responded by paying half of the cost ($2.5k) into his account. Now it's only been a couple of weeks and the ring isn't yet completed, but I feel a bit sad about my voluntary financial contribution. I would never ask for it back, but feeling a little less, like my sense of self worth has been impacted because, I guess the traditional view of the engagement ring is a symbol of his desire and commitment. Any thoughts? I'd like to feel better about going halves! 

[basil67]

18 minutes ago, 1HappyGoLucky said:

My partner has not yet proposed, but advised of his intentions, we have been ring shopping together and he has put a $2k down payment on the ring, which is, reasonably expensive ($5k total), he emphasised he wanted me to have a ring I was proud of (we've been together for 8yrs and both have reasonable careers and income). After this happened he asked me to contribute $1k to the cost, I responded by paying half of the cost ($2.5k) into his account. Now it's only been a couple of weeks and the ring isn't yet completed, but I feel a bit sad about my voluntary financial contribution. I would never ask for it back, but feeling a little less, like my sense of self worth has been impacted because, I guess the traditional view of the engagement ring is a symbol of his desire and commitment. Any thoughts? I'd like to feel better about going halves! 

If you aren't comfortable contributing, tell him you're happy with a more conservative ring and that the main thing is that you have him by your side. 

It's important to recognise that the value of a ring does not reflect how much a man cares.  A wealthy man may drop an extraordinary amount on a ring and then go cheating on her.  Or a poor man may buy a small ring and love her till the day she dies.   Be careful to not confuse money with love

[1HappyGoLucky]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If you aren't comfortable contributing, tell him you're happy with a more conservative ring and that the main thing is that you have him by your side. 

It's important to recognise that the value of a ring does not reflect how much a man cares.  A wealthy man may drop an extraordinary amount on a ring and then go cheating on her.  Or a poor man may buy a small ring and love her till the day she dies.   Be careful to not confuse money with love

Hey Basil76, thanks for your reply ☺️ It's not really the cost for either of us, more the symbolism behind the concept of an engagement ring. I hope that paying for half will demonstrate equity in our relationship ❤️

[basil67]

8 minutes ago, 1HappyGoLucky said:

Hey Basil76, thanks for your reply ☺️ It's not really the cost for either of us, more the symbolism behind the concept of an engagement ring. I hope that paying for half will demonstrate equity in our relationship ❤️

If you want to show equity, I think that buying him a ring or other item of jewellery to show your desire and commitment would be more equal

Edited June 4 by basil67

[MsJayne]

Hmm, a ring is such a huge symbol of the relationship. He only asked you to help out with $1k, why did you give half? Does he make you feel like you owe him in other ways? 

[1HappyGoLucky]

3 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Hmm, a ring is such a huge symbol of the relationship. He only asked you to help out with $1k, why did you give half? Does he make you feel like you owe him in other ways? 

He is a divorcee with a child from his previous relationship, we have been raising her together with approximately 45% custody for the past 8 years, she's 11 now ❤️. The separation was both financially and emotionally difficult for him. Because of these experiences he is extremely protective of his assets. I think his request for me to contribute was perhaps looking for evidence that my intentions are about commitment and not personal gain. This behaviour is based on his past experiences though and we have been working together equally over the time we have been living together (about 5yrs)

[S2B]

So why did you pay more than he asked for?

[1HappyGoLucky]

52 minutes ago, S2B said:

So why did you pay more than he asked for?

Hey S2B thanks for the question, it's a good one! I think it was to prove to him that I'm not trying to take advantage. I have always paid for half of everything in our relationship even though he has a child. When he asked me to contribute, initially I just defaulted to 50%, but now feel it's kind of taken away the romanticism of the gesture. 

[MsJayne]

4 hours ago, 1HappyGoLucky said:

Because of these experiences he is extremely protective of his assets. I think his request for me to contribute was perhaps looking for evidence that my intentions are about commitment and not personal gain.

Is this perhaps what makes you feel a little uncomfortable about it, rather then the specific issue of the ring?  Feeling I had to prove myself would make me believe that he was still licking his wounds from his first marriage, and it would also make me feel he wasn't sure about me. You've stuck with him for 8 years and paid your way all through that time, you've supported him in raising his daughter, I think that's evidence enough of your commitment and your intentions. 

 

6 hours ago, 1HappyGoLucky said:

he emphasised he wanted me to have a ring I was proud of

And then he asked you to chip in for it. Did he set a budget before you chose the ring? Did he even give you a ball park figure? It's a lot of money and maybe he wasn't expecting to spend so much, but maybe it would have been a little less unromantic if he'd waited 'til later and asked you to chip in a bit more for the wedding or the honeymoon, instead of coming over all Mr 50/50 before he's even proposed and tainting the special-ness of the ring-giving tradition. 

I think in your shoes I'd give a lot of consideration to why I feel I have to prove myself to someone I've already proven myself to. 

[ExpatInItaly]

He should not buy a ring he cannot comfortably afford. 

 

[1HappyGoLucky]

23 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Is this perhaps what makes you feel a little uncomfortable about it, rather then the specific issue of the ring?  Feeling I had to prove myself would make me believe that he was still licking his wounds from his first marriage, and it would also make me feel he wasn't sure about me. You've stuck with him for 8 years and paid your way all through that time, you've supported him in raising his daughter, I think that's evidence enough of your commitment and your intentions. 

 

And then he asked you to chip in for it. Did he set a budget before you chose the ring? Did he even give you a ball park figure? It's a lot of money and maybe he wasn't expecting to spend so much, but maybe it would have been a little less unromantic if he'd waited 'til later and asked you to chip in a bit more for the wedding or the honeymoon, instead of coming over all Mr 50/50 before he's even proposed and tainting the special-ness of the ring-giving tradition. 

I think in your shoes I'd give a lot of consideration to why I feel I have to prove myself to someone I've already proven myself to. 

I think you've hit it on the head MsJayne, perhaps he is just not ready himself. He had repeatedly said don't worry about the money (he can more than afford it, so cost isn't the issue) in fact I had suggested a ring half the price initially, and he said it wasn't good enough!

Love the finishing statement, you've given me some things to think about, much appreciated ❤️

[S2B]

He has a daughter you’ve helped with for 8 years! Why are you paying 50% of anything - especially your ring!

tell him you want your money back. If he wanted to buy you a ring he wouldn’t ask you to pay for it at all!

stop acting like you don’t deserve a guy won’t makes you feel special! Let him make effort for you!

I worry your self esteem needs work. He makes enough money yet you keep paying 50% when he has you helping with his child! He would have to pay a nanny a LOT of money if he didn’t have you helping him out!

stop allowing him to take advantage of you.

he can pay for the whole ring if he intends to marry you - sheez - he’s already waited 8 years! That cost of the ring isn’t even $1,000 a year. 

know your worth. Maybe he’s cheap even though he earns plenty. He should value you more.

Edited June 4 by S2B

[Els]

9 hours ago, 1HappyGoLucky said:

Hey Basil76, thanks for your reply ☺️ It's not really the cost for either of us, more the symbolism behind the concept of an engagement ring. I hope that paying for half will demonstrate equity in our relationship ❤️

I'm confused, do you actually want to pay for half or do you not? Some of your posts indicate that you do, but some indicate that you don't.

If you don't want to pay for half, then just tell him you're happy to have whatever ring he can afford. Honestly, I'm perplexed by the notion that it "has" to be $5k or whatever in order for it to be a ring that you are proud of. The only thing that more money gets you is a bigger or more perfect diamond. You can have a very tasteful, good-looking ring with a small or less perfect diamond for so much less... or even a different stone, really. Nobody who isn't a jeweler can even tell the difference between a higher grade diamond, a lower grade diamond, or heck a cubic zirconia.

If he still insists that you contribute to the cost of the ring even though you told him you're happy with whatever he can afford, that might be an orange flag that you have to consider whether you're okay with.

If you want to pay for half for "symbolism", then what is the issue here?

Edited June 4 by Els

[BaileyB]

Two things here - why does he feel that you need a very expensive wedding ring “to be proud of” and why do you feel that you need to contribute half to “prove yourself to him.” Who are you both trying to impress here? It doesn’t sound like either of you are particularly happy with the decision. 

In a similar circumstance, I would be very proud of a less expensive ring that is within his budget and comes from his heart… 

Edited June 4 by BaileyB

[1HappyGoLucky]

13 minutes ago, Els said:

I'm confused, do you actually want to pay for half or do you not? Some of your posts indicate that you do, but some indicate that you don't.

If you don't want to pay for half, then just tell him you're happy to have whatever ring he can afford. Honestly, I'm perplexed by the notion that it "has" to be $5k or whatever in order for it to be a ring that you are proud of. The only thing that more money gets you is a bigger or more perfect diamond. You can have a very tasteful, good-looking ring with a small or less perfect diamond for so much less... or even a different stone, really. Nobody who isn't a jeweler can even tell the difference between a higher grade diamond, a lower grade diamond, or heck a cubic zirconia.

If he still insists that you contribute to the cost of the ring even though you told him you're happy with whatever he can afford, that might be an orange flag that you have to consider whether you're okay with.

If you want to pay for half for "symbolism", then what is the issue here?

It's not really about the cost/money. Initially I was a bit taken aback that he had asked me to contribute (after the negotiating and deal was done), we both have good careers, but he does have much more financially than me, to the extent where he has decided to stop working and live off of the interest in his bank account for 6 months.

But, at the time, I thought, fair enough, we are planning on sharing everything in the future (of course there will be a prenup and his will will go to his daughter), so I thought let's start as we mean to go on, and I paid half. After that I began to question the decision because my feelings were contradicting my actions, hence asking for advice here.

I was hoping the view that paying for half was a good and equitable decision and supported by the forum, this would have supported my actions and quell my cognitive incongruence.

My feelings however, are that it would have made me feel wanted and special if he had saved the ring as a gift and symbol of his love for me, rather than a shared cost. It seems to be the traditional way of proposal. When he asked me to contribute, it made me feel less valued.

The symbolism I was referring to was of his feelings, not the size of ring. To be honest the ring and it's size or prestige is something he was more conce about than me. It's funny that you mentioned cubic zirconia because I had said something similar when we were shopping, I can't tell the difference between them! 😅

Really I was just looking for a consensus to settle the split feelings on my actions and thoughts ⚖️

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, 1HappyGoLucky said:

My feelings however, are that it would have made me feel wanted and special if he had saved the ring as a gift and symbol of his love for me, rather than a shared cost.

I’m getting married next week. My partner is in a very similar circumstance financially, he surprised me with a ring (and a proposal). He saved and spent within his budget - it’s not the most expensive ring and it’s probably not even what I would have chosen had he asked before he proposed, but I love the ring because it came entirely from his heart. 

We just went to buy wedding rings and again, I know that he doesn’t want to spend a lot of money on another ring. I offered to give him some money - in the end, we took the money from a joint account to pay for both rings. We both chose the ring that we wanted and we are both very excited. My wedding ring has lab created diamonds - much more economical and still very beautiful.

I would try not to get too hung up on this - weddings are expensive, it’s important to set and keep with a budget… at the end of the day, your wedding will be very special and the life that you share together is more important than either the ring or the wedding. It’s hard not to get wrapped up in some of these decisions that seem so big in the moment… I wish you every joy in planning your wedding and your married life. 💕

[1HappyGoLucky]

17 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Two things here - why does he feel that you need a very expensive wedding ring “to be proud of” and why do you feel that you need to contribute half to “prove yourself to him.” Who are you both trying to impress here? It doesn’t sound like either of you are particularly happy with the decision. 

In a similar circumstance, I would be very proud of a less expensive ring that is within his budget and comes from his heart… 

I think he will feel proud to have a prestigious ring on my finger to show-off to others, I get the impression it will boost his esteem/status. although it really doesn't matter to me at all. I would be happy with almost anything! Getting married to me is not at all about the ring, but our future together.

I sometimes feel pressure to show him that I don't want to be 'kept' it's something he mentions on occasion. He has been through a divorce and still feels the sting of the cost from that (His ex wife refused to work full time and took more than 50% of what he had, not a mistake he wants to make again). I want to show him that our relationship is about mutual support and not one-sided. That pressure sometimes weighs heavy, particularly trying to keep up with someone that has a much larger expendable income.

Initially he seemed a little irritated with the cost of the ring purchase, but now he is very happy, considering we have paid for half each.

It's me that feels a little like it hasn't come from the heart, considering he was looking for the prestige and pushed for something pricier, then became slightly irritated with the cost

[1HappyGoLucky]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I’m getting married next week. My partner is in a very similar circumstance financially, he surprised me with a ring (and a proposal). He saved and spent within his budget - it’s not the most expensive ring and it’s probably not even what I would have chosen had he asked before he proposed, but I love the ring because it came entirely from his heart. 

We just went to buy wedding rings and again, I know that he doesn’t want to spend a lot of money on another ring. I offered to give him some money - in the end, we took the money from a joint account to pay for both rings. We both chose the ring that we wanted and we are both very excited. My wedding ring has lab created diamonds - much more economical and still very beautiful.

I would try not to get too hung up on this - weddings are expensive, it’s important to set and keep with a budget… at the end of the day, your wedding will be very special and the life that you share together is more important than either the ring or the wedding. It’s hard not to get wrapped up in some of these decisions that seem so big in the moment… I wish you every joy in planning your wedding and your married life. 💕

Thanks BaileyB,

Congratulations 🎉 on your engagement!

And thank you so much for your fantastic advice ☺️ it's so easy to get wrapped up in the small things. You are so right, our shared life together is so much more important ❤️ 

Feeling so much better looking at the big picture 🖼️ 

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, 1HappyGoLucky said:

I think he will feel proud to have a prestigious ring on my finger to show-off to others, I get the impression it will boost his esteem/status.

Well then, that’s his decision and his thing to deal with - this has nothing to do with you. 
 

13 minutes ago, 1HappyGoLucky said:

I sometimes feel pressure to show him that I don't want to be 'kept' it's something he mentions on occasion. He has been through a divorce and still feels the sting of the cost from that (His ex wife refused to work full time and took more than 50% of what he had, not a mistake he wants to make again).

I hear you. My partner divorced because his ex-wife has mental health issues and refused/could not work. She took half of everything and set him back financially - money and equity is a big thing in my relationship too. I’m also very sensitive to this which is why I offered to give him money for my wedding ring. My partner is also very practical, as am I. In the end, we found a way to respect our budget and still find joy in the wedding - you will too.

If I could offer one bit of advice, having just planned a wedding - set a budget that you will both be happy with and work really hard to stick to that. It’s really easy to get carried away… and, as I said above, each decision seems so important at the time. If he/you feel pressure to “show off” to others - you are going to get into financial trouble that way when planning a wedding… At the end of the day, it’s your marriage and the wedding should be whatever the two of you want. No need to impress anyone.

My partner came to me last night with “the perfect wedding song.” It is quite literally, the most heart felt romantic ballad - an old song that I had long since forgotten about. I’m about to email and ask to change our song for the first dance as a gift to him. But, it’s also a gift to me because this comes from his heart - there are other ways to show his love and make it special for you besides an expensive ring. 
 

13 minutes ago, 1HappyGoLucky said:

It's me that feels a little like it hasn't come from the heart, considering he was looking for the prestige and pushed for something pricier, then became slightly irritated with the cost

It would take the shine off for me too, I’m not going to lie. I think you have to either find a way to make peace with it, or return it and ask him to purchase something within his budget. Either way, the movement is likely lost. Whatever you decide - it will all work out. Focus on the love and the life that you share… and set a budget/talk about what is really important for both of you for the wedding/your future together…

Best wishes.

Edited June 4 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

My other piece of advice is to chose where you want to splurge and spend your money on the things that are important to you - 

Maybe that’s the ring, maybe you put your money together and buy a ring that makes you smile every time you both see it… maybe that purchase becomes in your mind not a demonstration of his love for you but a symbol of your partnership. And maybe, you buy a less expensive wedding ring that he can purchase for you as a special gift to you - after all, the wedding ring is a true symbol of his love for you. As I said, I bought a beautiful eternity ring with lab created diamonds… it’s so beautiful, and the price was not even a 1/4 of the cost of your engagement ring. 

For me, I splurged a bit on flowers. I love flowers - my partner doesn’t get it but I offered to pay and he said that’s fine. The dinner and the music were important to him. And, he wanted some extra drink tickets and a nice scotch to give to his friends - done. We cheaped out on invitations and we didn’t do a lot of extras (like favours or even a wedding cake). In the end, it is out day and we have found a way to create the day that we both want - you will too. 💕

[stillafool]

56 minutes ago, 1HappyGoLucky said:

I want to show him that our relationship is about mutual support and not one-sided. That pressure sometimes weighs heavy, particularly trying to keep up with someone that has a much larger expendable income.

I would think after 8 years together he would know by now that the relationship is not one-sided and the type of person you are.  Who has the larger expendable income?

[1HappyGoLucky]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

My other piece of advice is to chose where you want to splurge and spend your money on the things that are important to you - 

Maybe that’s the ring, maybe you put your money together and buy a ring that makes you smile every time you both see it… maybe that purchase becomes in your mind not a demonstration of his love for you but a symbol of your partnership. And maybe, you buy a less expensive wedding ring that he can purchase for you as a special gift to you - after all, the wedding ring is a true symbol of his love for you. As I said, I bought a beautiful eternity ring with lab created diamonds… it’s so beautiful, and the price was not even a 1/4 of the cost of your engagement ring. 

For me, I splurged a bit on flowers. I love flowers - my partner doesn’t get it but I offered to pay and he said that’s fine. The dinner and the music were important to him. And, he wanted some extra drink tickets and a nice scotch to give to his friends - done. We cheaped out on invitations and we didn’t do a lot of extras (like favours or even a wedding cake). In the end, it is out day and we have found a way to create the day that we both want - you will too. 💕

You have such fantastic advice, thank you BaileyB!

Wishing you and your partner all the very best for your big day, I love the way you have worked together to create something beautiful already, your future together is shining bright! ☀️😎💖

[BaileyB]

Thanks. We are really, really excited! 

Same to you. It sounds like you have found a wonderful partner and you have become a beautiful family. Wishing you all the best as you plan your big day and start your married life together. 💕

[1HappyGoLucky]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

I would think after 8 years together he would know by now that the relationship is not one-sided and the type of person you are.  Who has the larger expendable income?

He has the larger expendable income and no longer has to work. I earn a reasonable income but am a long way from owning a home or financial security.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, 1HappyGoLucky said:

He has the larger expendable income and no longer has to work. I earn a reasonable income but am a long way from owning a home or financial security.

And he has you pay 50% of everything including his daughter expenses...fully knowing you don't have his type of financial security. Does that 50% of everything keeps you from building savings for yourself?

I am older, maybe that will explain my feelings on this, if my bf asked me to pay part of my engagement ring I would be offended especially if I have been contributing more of my income in our lives AND been raising his kid as my own for 8 years. The man has a chip on his shoulder and he needs to address that. You also have a low self-esteem you need to address. 

I don't think he's ready for marriage. I suggest you both ask your deposit back and address the elephant in the room.