Author 1HappyGoLucky Posted June 6 Author Share Posted June 6 6 hours ago, stillafool said: I've never heard of anyone who was asked to pay$1,000 towards an engagement ring, but gave $2,500 and then turns around and asks for it all back. I can see him turning sour over this. I would never as for it back and made the payment without thought. It's the uncomfortable feeling I had afterwards that I was looking for opinion on. I was hoping the forum would say it was a positive step towards an equitable relationship, but it seems the consensus is that whilst planning for commitment, he may just not be ready. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 That uncomfortable “feeling” is your gut kicking you so that you notice that something is terribly wrong. while his daughter is home - how much of her time is spent with her Dad? does he make her meals? get her dressed? get her a bath? shop for the things she needs? volunteer at her school? read to her? teach her things she needs to learn while she is growing up? how much face to face time is he spending with her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1HappyGoLucky Posted June 6 Author Share Posted June 6 3 minutes ago, S2B said: That uncomfortable “feeling” is your gut kicking you so that you notice that something is terribly wrong. while his daughter is home - how much of her time is spent with her Dad? does he make her meals? get her dressed? get her a bath? shop for the things she needs? volunteer at her school? read to her? teach her things she needs to learn while she is growing up? how much face to face time is he spending with her? He truly is a fantastic father and does all of those things, plus school runs. We shared the load reasonably equally, but because he used to work from home the majority of the time, school runs are something he did solely. Admittedly, neither of us volunteered at her school, the main reason was that her mother is the head of the P&C and we would have felt like we were encroaching, but his daughter is well supported by her mother on that front ❤️ Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 (edited) So why do YOU think he thought it was ok to ask you to pay money towards your ring? Edited June 6 by S2B Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1HappyGoLucky Posted June 6 Author Share Posted June 6 1 hour ago, S2B said: So why do YOU think he thought it was ok to ask you to pay money towards your ring? He said it was a lot of money and would really help if I could contribute. On the other hand he won't blink at spending 2.5k on a weekend away every few months (I pay for my part when we do this together too) After reading all of the posts in the forum, I think it's really that he is unsure about the commitment. And that was coming out through him asking me to contribute. He was trying to create doubt in me, because he may be feeling that way himself. I don't want to push him into something he is unsure of, but also want to build a life, family and future for myself. I couldn't imagine growing old alone without a family. It's time for a conversation with my partner Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 32 minutes ago, 1HappyGoLucky said: And that was coming out through him asking me to contribute. He was trying to create doubt in me, because he may be feeling that way himself. Are you sure it's mind games? I think it's more about you getting a fabulous ring which could be admired, but without having to pay for it all himself. Again, I think he should have offered a ring to the value he was comfortable in buying himself Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 So who is going to pay for the wedding? Have you talked about that? Weddings are way more expensive than the ring he won’t pay for by himself. I personally like to pay my share - but when it comes to a man - I need to know he wants to pay for me. Then once in a while hole I like to pay - but not always expecting me to pay like I’m his roommate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1HappyGoLucky Posted June 6 Author Share Posted June 6 9 minutes ago, basil67 said: Are you sure it's mind games? I think it's more about you getting a fabulous ring which could be admired, but without having to pay for it all himself. Again, I think he should have offered a ring to the value he was comfortable in buying himself I hope it was just about buying a fabulous ring, but I am confident that the price of the ring is not the real issue. He is in a financial position where he certainly would have no trouble affording it. I think his request for me to contribute was more of an anxious reflect, based on his previous marriage experience. It does concern me more than a little that his emotions around his previous marriage are still impacting our relationship. But everyone has a past they are shaped by. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1HappyGoLucky Posted June 6 Author Share Posted June 6 5 minutes ago, S2B said: So who is going to pay for the wedding? Have you talked about that? Weddings are way more expensive than the ring he won’t pay for by himself. I personally like to pay my share - but when it comes to a man - I need to know he wants to pay for me. Then once in a while hole I like to pay - but not always expecting me to pay like I’m his roommate. I would expect that we pay half each for the wedding, and that is something I'm happy to do after all it is our day together. It's only the ring I had qualms about. I do feel at the moment costs are separated like we are housemates and I hope we can collaborate more in the future, whilst still keeping a degree of our own financial independence Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 Shouldn't your wedding and living arrangement be paid prorata? If l'm with a man making 2-3 times what l make i'm not paying 50/50, that would deplete me over time. Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 5 hours ago, 1HappyGoLucky said: It does concern me more than a little that his emotions around his previous marriage are still impacting our relationship. Yeah... Me too. And I don't even know you guys... 🙂 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1HappyGoLucky Posted June 6 Author Share Posted June 6 3 hours ago, Gaeta said: Shouldn't your wedding and living arrangement be paid prorata? If l'm with a man making 2-3 times what l make i'm not paying 50/50, that would deplete me over time. What he is comfortable to spend is much greater than me and I often feel like I'm trying to keep up, particularly when it comes to holidays. I've always looked at marriage the same way my parents did theirs, which was collaborative and entirely shared. They have both supported each other and to this day, continue to participate in projects together for their growth. It feels a bit gut-wrenching thinking I may have to plan a marriage legally/financially around the fact that it has the possibility of ending. But I can certainly see that if it were to happen, the way I currently contribute to the relationship would put me at a significant and growing disadvantage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 1 hour ago, 1HappyGoLucky said: But I can certainly see that if it were to happen, the way I currently contribute to the relationship would put me at a significant and growing disadvantage. I would be concerned you plan to marry him without discussing that this scenario that puts you at a disadvantage and unequal terms in the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 1HappyGoLucky Posted June 6 Author Share Posted June 6 1 hour ago, S2B said: I would be concerned you plan to marry him without discussing that this scenario that puts you at a disadvantage and unequal terms in the marriage. Thankyou for highlighting this ❤️, it's an important point for us to look at, regardless of how hard it is thinking that one day the relationship may not flourish. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 6 Share Posted June 6 You may view it as flourishing - but clearly it’s set up to workin his favor. I would say that you may benefit from getting professional help to work on your self esteem. It appears you feel the need to overcompensate paying your share so that he doesn’t end it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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