newly Dating - please help!

[Rainbowgirl123]

Hi

I went on two dates with a guy went really well although his communication between the dates was not great (days without texts). Anyhow after the second date he asked how i felt about him and i told him i liked him. He then said he liked me too but wanted to take his time with things, He then asked me how i wanted to proceed going forward. I was then very clear that I would like to continue meeting, would like to increase our chatting between dates and what his thoughts are on this. He then proceeded to ghost me for 7 days even though i sent one text every 2-3 days and these texts were basic like how are you? or Hope you have good weekend. So basic - nothing intimidating. On the 8th day of ghosting i decided to call him out on it and told him that i thought it was disrespectful not to reply to my texts and that i wish him all the best. I finally got a response saying that he told me he wanted to take his time and that if it doesn't suit me that he is sorry for that. My question (as i have not dated for a while) is that when a guy says that he wants to take his time was i not supposed to text him? like what was i supposed to do? as he just didnt reply when i told him how i wanted to go forward even though he asked me the question....  Im so confused and i hope this experience will educate me better for next time. i honestly don't know what i did wrong. and he has me questioning myself which i hate!!

[Gaeta]

Do not date men that say they want to take their time. It usually means they are just out of a relationship and hoping on the ex or they have someone else in their aim. 

Some people don't like too much text but under ANY circumstances, ignoring a text from someone you'd like to date is rude. 

If you're new to dating stick around, we're gonna teach you a thing or 2 🙂

 

[Rainbowgirl123]

Thank you for replying. I think you are right my instincts were telling me this is not ok with someone you are newly dating. 

love this Forum! learning lots already!

[Gaeta]

Oopsie wrong thread

Edited June 4, 2024 by Gaeta

[smackie9]

As we say...actions speak louder than words. This guy was lame with his communication....that's low interest. Low interest=boot to curb. 

[Rainbowgirl123]

so true, i am learning that i should go with my gut and if it doesnt seem right then it probably isnt right. Appreciate your feedback thanks!! 

[Alpacalia]

I like to take my time so maybe I am a bit biased here but a few days without contact is normal.

That said, when you go on two dates with someone and then they disappear for a while, you're in shaky ground. It doesn't bode well and the fact he was silent for a week after you told him what you did was probably all the proof you need that you shouldn't have gone out with this one again. He didn't know what he wanted and he probably did not want anything. 

[Rainbowgirl123]

Thank you for your response. I think where Im stuck is that if he had told me that he wanted to take his time and have no contact with me whilst doing so i would be have been fine with it. Its the ghosting for a week that really got to me. I think im just a little sad as i saw such great potential and our dates were great but maybe this is an early indication of his communication style and as i start dating again maybe this is something i need to observe 

[Gaeta]

16 minutes ago, Rainbowgirl123 said:

he wanted to ..... have no contact with me whilst doing so

That's not a communication style. That's a man that is in a relationship and not wanting your text to pop up on his screen when he's with gf or wife.

[Acacia98]

That's just weird. Why go out on dates at all if you want to disappear from the face of the earth? This guy is wasting your time, OP. Your conscience is clear. Just block him and move on.

[BaileyB]

On 6/4/2024 at 10:55 AM, Rainbowgirl123 said:

My question (as i have not dated for a while) is that when a guy says that he wants to take his time was i not supposed to text him?

There is a difference between “taking things slow” and “I’m just not going to bother to show you the courtesy of replaying to your attempt at communication.”

His lack of response was not in response to anything you did wrong. 

On 6/4/2024 at 10:55 AM, Rainbowgirl123 said:

He then said he liked me too but wanted to take his time with things. He then proceeded to ghost me for 7 days

As Ariana Grande would say - thank you, next. 

[ZA Dater]

On 6/4/2024 at 5:55 PM, Rainbowgirl123 said:

Hi

I went on two dates with a guy went really well although his communication between the dates was not great (days without texts). Anyhow after the second date he asked how i felt about him and i told him i liked him. He then said he liked me too but wanted to take his time with things, He then asked me how i wanted to proceed going forward. I was then very clear that I would like to continue meeting, would like to increase our chatting between dates and what his thoughts are on this. He then proceeded to ghost me for 7 days even though i sent one text every 2-3 days and these texts were basic like how are you? or Hope you have good weekend. So basic - nothing intimidating. On the 8th day of ghosting i decided to call him out on it and told him that i thought it was disrespectful not to reply to my texts and that i wish him all the best. I finally got a response saying that he told me he wanted to take his time and that if it doesn't suit me that he is sorry for that. My question (as i have not dated for a while) is that when a guy says that he wants to take his time was i not supposed to text him? like what was i supposed to do? as he just didnt reply when i told him how i wanted to go forward even though he asked me the question....  Im so confused and i hope this experience will educate me better for next time. i honestly don't know what i did wrong. and he has me questioning myself which i hate!!

Firstly you cannot blame yourself for his behaviour.  You are worth more than spending time with someone who ghosts you like this and is so indecisive. In short you did not do anything wrong. It would appear he is playing rather pathetic mind games.

[stillafool]

On 6/4/2024 at 11:55 AM, Rainbowgirl123 said:

My question (as i have not dated for a while) is that when a guy says that he wants to take his time was i not supposed to text him? like what was i supposed to do? as he just didnt reply when i told him how i wanted to go forward even though he asked me the question....  Im so confused and i hope this experience will educate me better for next time. i honestly don't know what i did wrong. and he has me questioning myself which i hate!!

I think since it was only 2 dates you had with him and he ghosted, I'd just let it go and start back dating others.  I wouldn't call him out on it because it would be clear he's not really interested and if he was he'd get back in touch.  I wouldn't let him know I'm bothered about it.

[ZA Dater]

30 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I think since it was only 2 dates you had with him and he ghosted, I'd just let it go and start back dating others.  I wouldn't call him out on it because it would be clear he's not really interested and if he was he'd get back in touch.  I wouldn't let him know I'm bothered about it.

The bold is a good life lesson OP, the less reaction you can show people who do this sort of thing the better. The fact he went on two dates and ghosted is frankly ridiculous and is totally on him and not you.  Block him and move on is a good idea, its not easy correct his sort of behaviour and I simply think he is dating many people at once and probably has a choice.

Do not go back to him.

[Gaeta]

I join my voice to the others, you cannot confront every joe-blow that will ghost you after 1-2 dates. You will get emotionally exhausted and bitter from it. When someone wants to walk out of your life let them!

When the right man comes along you will feel valued. He will call, setup dates, he'll be clear he wants to get to know you and he will show it. When 2 people like each other it all unfolds without efforts. 

[NuevoYorko]

I'm sorry to tell you, but you will have to develop a thicker skin for dating.  There will be many times when you will be disappointed and many different ways that it can happen.

Just know that for all of us, MOST people we meet are not going to be a good fit.  There are countless reasons that this might be the case.   Rarely is it because you or the other person did something "wrong."   

Two dated in, this guy knew that he was not really keen on pursuing anything further.   Even though you felt like there was potential, you didn't have time to build up a lot of expectations.  So ... like the others have said ... next!  

[Rainbowgirl123]

Thank you to each of you that has replied with some amazing advice, Im loving this forum. I do feel better and i agree that i need to become stronger and accept that not everyone i will meet will behave the way i would like to or expect to be treated. Self love and self worth is so important and I guess this has taught me that I should stay true to my self. 

[ZA Dater]

16 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I join my voice to the others, you cannot confront every joe-blow that will ghost you after 1-2 dates. You will get emotionally exhausted and bitter from it. When someone wants to walk out of your life let them!

When the right man comes along you will feel valued. He will call, setup dates, he'll be clear he wants to get to know you and he will show it. When 2 people like each other it all unfolds without efforts. 

OP the bold is very, very, very good advice and remains relevant at all times.

[flitzanu]

this is kind of being echoed but just to verbalize... think of how you'd act if you're interested in someone.  you want contact with them and ultimately will start craving their company.  a person ignoring or ghosting you is absolutely not showing interest in your company.

even if it was two dates, it doesn't have to be nonstop 24 hour texting, but if a person is into you, they want to talk to or see you.

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, flitzanu said:

this is kind of being echoed but just to verbalize... think of how you'd act if you're interested in someone.  you want contact with them and ultimately will start craving their company.  a person ignoring or ghosting you is absolutely not showing interest in your company.

even if it was two dates, it doesn't have to be nonstop 24 hour texting, but if a person is into you, they want to talk to or see you.

Yes, I think a good basic rule of thumb if you're interested in someone is ask yourself would I behave as they are behaving. We always try to paint someone we like in a good light but if they are being cold, distant, impatient, rude etc it's not a sign they think that much of you.

Would you do that? No, because you wouldn't want to screw it up with that person. On the other hand it's ok for them because they're probably not overly excited about you.

Regarding OP though I wouldn't bother "calling him out". Don't give it your energy and keep your self-respect high by just dropping it and moving on.

[ZA Dater]

13 hours ago, FredEire said:

Yes, I think a good basic rule of thumb if you're interested in someone is ask yourself would I behave as they are behaving. We always try to paint someone we like in a good light but if they are being cold, distant, impatient, rude etc it's not a sign they think that much of you.

Would you do that? No, because you wouldn't want to screw it up with that person. On the other hand it's ok for them because they're probably not overly excited about you.

Regarding OP though I wouldn't bother "calling him out". Don't give it your energy and keep your self-respect high by just dropping it and moving on.

The problem with calling him out it you actually just potentially escalate a situation which will be of any advantage, at best its a waste of time, at worst it creates a pointless argument where the OP opens themselves up to verbal abuse.

OP perhaps the best piece of advice I can give you is do not allow yourself to become cynical by the behavior of guys like this, there are good people in this world, unfortunately OLD can showcase the very worst some of the time. Always keep your eyes open and as Fred mentions ask yourself if you would behave like said date is, again this can be challenging if you do really like someone.

Keep your motivation and sense of self worth high.