AP Ghosting and Not Being Clear

[Lovetorn5]

I’ve been with my AP for 5 years. He moved to another state 6 months ago and we did remain in contact for the most part until he stopped emailing me back out of nowhere. I hadn’t heard from him in 3 months and I had been thinking of texting him. 

Well one night I got super drunk and sent him a drunk text saying “hey, miss you”. Next day, he texted back asking who I was ( he doesn’t have my number) I told him it was me and apologized for the drunk text. He responded on his work phone by saying not to text his personal phone that his wife saw the message. He told me that he couldn’t access his email and to send him my email address and he’ll make a new account and message me. He doesn’t want me texting him which is understood.

 I sent him my email and asked him if he was going to email me. He said “Yes. I’m busy working, maybe tomorrow. I’m headed home soon don’t text me”  He hasn’t emailed me yet it’s been 24 hours since our text exchange.

Should I leave it alone or text him again in a few days? If he wants to end things why can’t he just tell me. That’s what’s driving me crazy I feel he is keeping me here waiting on him and for what? Anyone else been in a similar situation and what would you do? 
 

 

 

Edited June 4, 2024 by Lovetorn5
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[basil67]

He'd already lost interest and this is why he stopped messaging in the first place.  Then you texted him and put his whole marriage in jeopardy.   Read between the lines here:  Do you really think he's going to come back now?

[basil67]

Ah, I should have read your most recent thread before this.   This guy only contacts you when it suits him - and that was when you did live near each other.  It was only going to go downhill from here.  And this was without you having put his marriage in jeopardy with your text!

Please re-read your last post as a reminder of how shitty this situation makes you feel

 

 

Edited June 4, 2024 by basil67

[NuevoYorko]

I would think that maybe you'd feel relieved and almost even happy to have this situation be in your rear view mirror.   It seems like you have always been far more invested in this affair than he is.  Do you think he's generally promiscuous and has flings with other women regularly?  It sounds like that may be the case.

Seriously.   You've been carrying this on for a very long time with him ghosting you and showing back up when he feels like it.  Will you ever come to the point where you've had enough?   Not just of him, but of remaining in a marriage where you are seeking this kind of thing out?   You don't have to live this way - divorce, dump this on and off married guy who lives far away now, and be free to find someone with whom you could have a fulfilling relationship.  Or play the field without harming others.  Whatever you'd like. 

[Lovetorn5]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

He'd already lost interest and this is why he stopped messaging in the first place.  Then you texted him and put his whole marriage in jeopardy.   Read between the lines here:  Do you really think he's going to come back now?

He could have easily messaged me or wrote me back when I texted him stating that it’s over. He did not. This is why I’m confused by his behavior.  He should just tell me it’s done 

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, Lovetorn5 said:

He could have easily messaged me or wrote me back when I texted him stating that it’s over. He did not. This is why I’m confused by his behavior.  He should just tell me it’s done 

But he has a history of not communicating clearly.  Why would you expect anything different when he ends it?  

Also, why did you not assume it would immediately end when his wife saw the text you sent?  The guy would obviously be working on rebuilding trust with his wife.

[NuevoYorko]

12 minutes ago, Lovetorn5 said:

He could have easily messaged me or wrote me back when I texted him stating that it’s over. He did not. This is why I’m confused by his behavior.  He should just tell me it’s done 

He "should"?  Why?  Your whole deal with this man is 100% based on things people should NOT do.   Why is he supposed to tell you it's done but not tell his wife he wants to be stepping out on the marriage, for example?

Anyway, he doesn't need to tell you anything.  He's not engaging, so he's not available for it.  Who knows.  Maybe he will feel like it again next year and he'll come sniffing around again.   Why not?

[Lovetorn5]

25 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Also, why did you not assume it would immediately end when his wife saw the text you sent? 

Because he asked for my email and told me he would write me. That tells me it’s not over if he’s planning to message me. It was a “hey Miss you” text from a number not my own. Doesn’t mean it’s over she has found things before and we continued 

[Lovetorn5]

27 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

He "should"?  Why?  Your whole deal with this man is 100% based on things people should NOT do.   Why is he supposed to tell you it's done but not tell his wife he wants to be stepping out on the marriage, for example?

Anyway, he doesn't need to tell you anything.  He's not engaging, so he's not available for it.  Who knows.  Maybe he will feel like it again next year and he'll come sniffing around again.   Why not?

If he wants me to stop contacting him I would think he’d make that clear. That’s why I think he should tell me. 

[Lovetorn5]

28 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Anyway, he doesn't need to tell you anything.

If he wants me to stop contacting he should. Am I wrong? He said don’t text. Which has always been our rule. Not to never speak to him again. 

[basil67]

11 minutes ago, Lovetorn5 said:

If he wants me to stop contacting he should. Am I wrong? He said don’t text. Which has always been our rule. Not to never speak to him again. 

He can do whatever he wants.    

[basil67]

@Lovetorn5 You're all caught up in the ethics of how he should behave. 

But don't forget that you're having an affair with another woman's husband.   Don't you think its highly hypocritical of you to be calling him out for lacking ethics when you are also utterly lacking in ethics.   

You really don't have a leg to stand on

Edited June 4, 2024 by basil67

[NuevoYorko]

Well ... neither of you are actually "honorable" people of your word types. What do you expect?  This seems very silly.  

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, Lovetorn5 said:

He could have easily messaged me or wrote me back when I texted him stating that it’s over. He did not. This is why I’m confused by his behavior.  He should just tell me it’s done 

This man stopped contacting you 3 months ago, and now he has told you "don't text me."  His actions are telling you that it's done.  For whatever reason he doesn't feel like being direct with you and officially breaking it off.  But his actions couldn't be clearer.  Why on earth would you hang around and text him again?  You don't have control over his actions, it doesn't matter what you think he "should" do.  You do know that you have control over your actions, right?  And you don't have to keep chasing this man who isn't interested in you anymore?  Take the hint and leave this in the past.

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Lovetorn5 said:

If he wants to end things why can’t he just tell me.

His lack of response is his response. He has ended things, you need to accept that. 
 

6 hours ago, Lovetorn5 said:

I feel he is keeping me here waiting on him and for what?

He hasn’t kept you waiting… you have decided to wait for him - there is a big difference. You wanted to contact him so you did. And here you sit, waiting for his reply. Except - he has clearly moved on… he has moved away… If you choose to wait, that is your decision but do so with the full knowledge that it’s a choice that you have made.

Edited June 5, 2024 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Lovetorn5 said:

If he wants me to stop contacting he should. Am I wrong? He said don’t text. Which has always been our rule. Not to never speak to him again. 

So you are looking for an in… telephone? Snail mail? Carrier pigeon? Morse code? 

I mean, 1. the man is married to another woman. 2. he has moved away. 3. he stopped emailing you. 4. he is angry with you for texting him and he has told you not to contact him (by text). 

Where is your self-respect? This man is not interested. It’s time to let this go…

[ExpatInItaly]

You are way too hung up on the "shoulds." People don't always act how we believe they should.

The fact is that he's not the into you anymore and you need to get the hint and let go. It's up to you decide you have had enough and have more self-respect than to hang on to  man who has essentially left you in his rearview mirror. 

[stillafool]

Probably one of the reasons he moved was to put your affair in his rear view mirror once and for all.  Why doesn't he come right out and tell you this?  Probably because he's afraid you'll overreact and tell his wife so he's trying to handle you with kit gloves.  Use your self respect and leave this man alone.  If you no longer love your own husband get a divorce.

[Gina101]

I would leave him be. He will reach out when he misses you, and he won’t miss you if you keep pestering him. If he doesn’t miss you, then you have to let him go. 

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, Gina101 said:

I would leave him be. He will reach out when he misses you, and he won’t miss you if you keep pestering him. If he doesn’t miss you, then you have to let him go. 

Kindly, I think you have to let go OP. I think that is your best, and only choice. 

Why settle for a man who is married to another woman who lives some distance away and can’t actually be in a legitimate relationship with you… I mean, he can’t even be in an “affair” with you anymore… he’s not physically present to be with you and he has clearly demonstrated through his actions that he is trying to separate from you. I mean, if you want to waste your time waiting for this man who has moved away and is living life with his wife and family to send you and email or sext with you over text - that is your decision… but, that seems like a very unhealthy attachment and total waste of time to me. You have only one life to live - surely, this is not the way to live it…

In terms of why he hasn’t told you outright that he is done, I agree with stillafool. He’s likely trying to do the slow fade so that you will quietly let him go - he does not want an emotional and unstable affair partner upending his marriage and his life. It’s clear to me that you are having a difficult time letting him go - I think he has a valid concern…

Edited June 6, 2024 by BaileyB

[flitzanu]

On 6/4/2024 at 4:28 PM, Lovetorn5 said:

 

 He said “Yes. I’m busy working, maybe tomorrow. I’m headed home soon don’t text me”  

Should I leave it alone or text him again in a few days? 

 

 

 

he literally said "don't text me" and your question is "should i text him again?"

how is it unclear that no, he does not want you texting him and therefore no, you "should not text him in a few days"

[stillafool]

On 6/4/2024 at 7:33 PM, Lovetorn5 said:

If he wants me to stop contacting him I would think he’d make that clear. That’s why I think he should tell me. 

He told you twice not to text him.  You still don't understand.

On 6/4/2024 at 5:28 PM, Lovetorn5 said:

He responded on his work phone by saying not to text his personal phone that his wife saw the message.

 

On 6/4/2024 at 5:28 PM, Lovetorn5 said:

He said “Yes. I’m busy working, maybe tomorrow. I’m headed home soon don’t text me”

 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Gina101 said:

If he doesn’t miss you, then you have to let him go. 

She needs to let hin go anyway. 

The man is married. 

[Gina101]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She needs to let hin go anyway. 

The man is married. 

Unfortunately that’s easier said than done. But given the fact he has told her not to text, and that he will find a way through email to contact her and he hasn’t signals that at this moment he’s not interested. I’m guessing when he wants something he’ll contact. As hard as it is, for your own well being let him go and don’t let him back. You can do it. 

[BaileyB]

Indeed, don’t wait around for an unavailable man to contact you. Go find someone who is not only available but also interested in a dating and get busy living your own life - time is a wasting…

Edited June 6, 2024 by BaileyB