Mixed signals? delusion? stupid? lol

[Gulf-Delta]

so this is a long post,, but i am confused on how to proceed with this situation and what is going on with this girl

 

i met this girl at church. she works there. we had a few brief chats, very friendly girl. and after a couple brief conversations on sundays and casual chatting, i start noticing how pretty this girl is. the way she dresses, all this stuff. so bingo, im now attracted. she's pretty, kind and has a relationship with God. now i dont KNOW her beyond these things, but these are 3 green flags where im like "ok, she's cool, i'd like to get to know her". after and before service, i'd make an effort to at least find her and say hey

 

so one day, i decide to ask her out. i say "hey, not sure if this is allowed or inappropriate but would you wanna do something after church sometime, like get something to eat, hang out"....she said "well, i have a friend coming into town today (her birthday was the next day), so i cant today, but here's my number, you can text me". she gave me the number. i didnt ask.

so anyway, i text her and she gets back to me after shes done at church. she says "hey," i say, "whatcha up to" and then randomly asks me how old i am. no preamble, didnt say what she was up to just "hey, random question, how old are you?" my friend says this is actually a huge sign of interest. i have no clue

so, mid week i ask her out on friday or saturday. she says "well, on friday im celebrating my b-day with my girlfriends, on saturday im going to a concert, this week is just busy, etc etc". i assure her, no problem, its a busy week, no sweat, maybe some other time. note, thus far, this girl is bad at texting. she always texted back...just a LONG time. and its not like, a 1 or 2 word response either.

so in my opinion, this is over. i overstepped, she's not interested, dont know,, doesnt matter

so i go to church again on sunday, and she approaches me. i say "Hey, i get it, you're not into it, no biggie, all good, god bless, sorry if i was pushy". i wanna give her an out and not want her to feel discomfort, especially at her work place. so she says "no, you werent pushy, i do want to, ive just been super busy lately". so i think "yeah, ok sure, she's just being nice, whatever".

i text her later that day and am just like "hey, no hard feelings, i appreciate you being so kind. bad timing, we dont know each other that well, i get it, but the invitiation still stands, if anything frees up, let me know".

so her response was "its been a crazy weekend. thank you for being kind. i honestly dont go out with guys i dont know very well. Getting to know people in the context of community is ideal for me. But i also respect you for asking so i was gonna go anyways, i just havent had any free time. i'll let you know, thanks for understanding"

so i say "hey, no problem, it makes sense. that was why i asked, so i could get to know you better. you're always busy at church, i havent had any time to get to chat in any real way. but all good, offer still stands"

so then she says "fair enough. do you go to any bible study groups". i say no, they weird me out (most of them are in people's houses, its weird), but she says "i go to the one at the church, its at xyz time, youre welcome to come." i say "yeah, that might be cool" and she just assumes im going and says "see ya there"

so i go, and again, i have to initiate contact. but again, she works there, shes like a social butterfly, has to make nice with everyone, and she didnt make any effort for me, so when i left i think "well, ok, shes not interested"

 

so again, to spare her feelings and not wanting to make her awkward, i just give her space. i come to the next bible study and focus on a conversation with a different girl, and absolute smoke show. and then the girl i like comes into the conversation with us. again, i was relieved, because even though it wasnt a 1-on-1 convo, i was glad she still felt ok around me, and felt comfortable despite this slightly awkward thing we've had

so the next couple weeks, again. i assume its over. i tried, i fumbled, whatever. our paths dont really cross, i dont seek her out. i figure, she turned me down, let it die, the end. this weekend i walk in church and i see her talking to someone. shes in the conversation, she doesnt see me, i just walk by. she's already behind me, im a coupel steps away and she hits me with "hi, gulf delta". this isnt like, we made eye contact and she said hi...she didnt look away from her conversation or ackowledge me, and then called out to me after i already passed her. i said hi back, and talked to her after service, saying "hey, if you know of any group stuff happening, hit me up" and she says not much is happening during the summer, but she'll let me know

 

anyway, im not sure what to make of this. typing this all out, it looks like she's not into me. but i can also see many things that indicate interest. she gave me her number without me asking, shes inviting me to bible study, she's asking my age, and everytime i try to close off contact (for her sake), she opens it back up somehow.

i mean, just to me, and my silly brain, it seems like she is interested, but is being extremely cautious and wants to get to know me before seeing me 1-on-1. lots of eyes are on her as a church employee, maybe she wants to make sure i like her for the right reasons, maybe she is shy, maybe she's traditional and expects the man to do most of the work. believe it or not, i actually like this, taking it slow and building a rapport and stuff, i really like it this way, i just dont know what her intentions are...is she interested but wanting to go slow, or is she totally uninterested. are these even mixed signals, or am i being delusional and foolishly hopeful?

for context, im 34, she just turned 29. but i am looking for an actual wife, not a fling or something temporary, and she has also said (in bible study, not to me personally) that she is "looking for the american dream and prays to god for the house and picket fence and dog....". but anyway, this is an adult interaction, this isnt some high school thing

 

let me know what youthink, thankks

Edited June 4 by Gulf-Delta

[Gebidozo]

If a woman behaved like this with me, I’d be certain that she isn’t interested in me romantically and let it go. Women who have been interested in me during the course of my life were way more active, they’d find time for me even when they were busy and would certainly not avoid one-on-one meetings like that.

[Gulf-Delta]

15 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

If a woman behaved like this with me, I’d be certain that she isn’t interested in me romantically and let it go. Women who have been interested in me during the course of my life were way more active, they’d find time for me even when they were busy and would certainly not avoid one-on-one meetings like that.

great. thanks

 

so she's just...lying? or....

 

why was she texting that way? why is she inviting me places, giving me her phone number, re-establishing contact when i close it? why is she checking for an age gap?

 you would presume a woman would go out with you without knowing you at all? you dont think she could be worried about coming off a certain way, or not wanting to be alone with a stranger?

Edited June 5 by Gulf-Delta

[Alpacalia]

I too like to get to know someone a bit before going out one on one but this woman is being a wee bit difficult. So she answered the question of hang out and go out on dates, but won't spend any time on doing so thus leaving you high and dry.  

It sounds like she is interested in you on some level, she's just really cautious and perhaps a bit old-fashioned in terms of expectations. I mean you could see her outside of church and get to know each other a bit.  

However, if you don't feel like pursuing it any further or are getting mixed signals, it's okay to let it go. It's not worth stressing over or putting yourself in a position where you feel uncomfortable. You could try talking to her about it openly and see where she stands, but ultimately it's up to her to make a move and make more effort in getting to know you.

So it's up to you to decide if it's worth pursuing or not. Good luck!

[Gulf-Delta]

16 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I too like to get to know someone a bit before going out one on one but this woman is being a wee bit difficult. So she answered the question of hang out and go out on dates, but won't spend any time on doing so thus leaving you high and dry.

It sounds like she is interested in you on some level, she's just really cautious and perhaps a bit old-fashioned in terms of expectations. I mean you could see her outside of church and get to know each other a bit.  

However, if you don't feel like pursuing it any further or are getting mixed signals, it's okay to let it go. It's not worth stressing over or putting yourself in a position where you feel uncomfortable. You could try talking to her about it openly and see where she stands, but ultimately it's up to her to make a move and make more effort in getting to know you.

So it's up to you to decide if it's worth pursuing or not. Good luck!

well, the way i see it, in retrospect, we dont really know each other, and "a date" carries a lot of baggage for some reason. for me, it means just chatting over coffee with no strings attached. but i think nowadays is means something more committal. looking back, i get it. she doesnt know me, like at all, asking her out was kind of crazy.

this is a girl who grew up in the church since age 5, it wouldnt surprise me if she was more on the traditional side. she also works at church, theres a lot of people watching. im new to the church, she could just be apprehensive and make sure im in the church for the right reasons, not just to pick up girls.

what gets me is her thing like "i prefer to get to know people in the context of community." and then inviting me to a community thing directly after.

the thing is, i am not uncomfortable. if she is interested, even just on a very small surface level, and wants to take things slow and cautious, and maybe let that grow, i have no problems with that and i kind of actually like the idea...i just dont want to invest and risk more time and effort and look stupid if im just misreading things. if i know she's interested, i am cool to go as slow as she wants. i want a nice, real relationship built on something, im not looking to jump in bed with her right away or anything.

to me, giving me a number, inviting me to stuff, saying she wants to go out even though ive let her off the hook, asking about an age gap, approaching me,,,,idk, this seems like interest to me, but im so bad at dating a courtship and stuff. in my opinion and in the past, if we hang out, and i ask you out and i get turned down, we generally dont talk ever again. but in this case, ive put it out there, and she's still wanting to talk to me and stuff, it seems

to ME, and i might be wrong she's saying "yes, im not opposed, youre attractive enough (or whatever), but i dont know you well enough to go on a date with you. let's hang out at social events first"

 

i can see signs she's interested, but can also see a lot of reasons and ways she wouldnt want to just jump in with  stranger she's barely talked to

 

im just tired of being single, and im f***ing scared of looking stupid and wrong about this.

Edited June 5 by Gulf-Delta

[Lotsgoingon]

I hate to break your theory here,  but women who go to church are as turned on by romance as other women and send out signals of romantic interest as clearly as much women not raised in church.  Basically quit making excuses for this woman--you are wasting your time.  You want someone who will make themselves available, who makes clear their interest in you. Period--no excuses!

I once dated a woman who was raised in a small town of 2,-000 where her father was a minister, a well known minister in the town. She made her interest in me as clear and as fast as any other woman I dated---in some ways more forcefully than other women. She was religious and healthy and confident and funny and fun to be with. She was slow to get fully physical, but not slow about passionately kissing and making out and holding hands and going to movies and out to eat and on and on. 

Some traditional religious folks might be slow to engage in sex (or to avoid sex for quite a while), but don't assume they are socially incompetent and always distant. That's just not true. 

Dump this woman and move on.

 

 

 

Edited June 5 by Lotsgoingon

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Gulf-Delta said:

so she's just...lying? or....

No. What a strange question. Did she tell you she was romantically interested in you? Did she go on a romantic date with you? Did she hold hands with you, kiss you? No. Then what exactly is she lying about?

1 hour ago, Gulf-Delta said:

why was she texting that way? why is she inviting me places, giving me her phone number, re-establishing contact when i close it? why is she checking for an age gap?

No idea. But to me, nothing from what she’s been doing so far would indicate romantic interest. I’ve encountered women who were way more active and flirty and still weren’t interested in me romantically. I’d assume that she’s just moderately curious about being in a relationship some day and is probing some ground.

1 hour ago, Gulf-Delta said:

you would presume a woman would go out with you without knowing you at all? you dont think she could be worried about coming off a certain way, or not wanting to be alone with a stranger?

Sure, if a woman were not interested in me romantically, that’s exactly what I’d expect her to behave like. If she were interested in me romantically, then of course she’d go out with me, be alone with me, and show interest and romantic affection.

[basil67]

It sounds to me like she's a friendly person who was trying to support you in getting further involved with the church group.  It's not at all uncommon to give your number to a new person so that they can get more details from you

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said:

this is a girl who grew up in the church since age 5, it wouldnt surprise me if she was more on the traditional side.

Believe me, traditional church-going girls are every bit as passionate and open to romance as their secular counterparts. I once dated a very traditional girl like that. Now, it’s true that they tend to delay physical intimacy a lot, even until marriage (which was the reason why it didn’t work out for us), but that girl showed me very plainly she was romantically interested. We went on dates regularly, she sent me affectionate messages, we held hands, and so on. 

 

2 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said:

to me, giving me a number, inviting me to stuff, saying she wants to go out even though ive let her off the hook, asking about an age gap, approaching me,,,,idk, this seems like interest to me

No. Not necessarily. It only means that she’s generally interested in meeting people. 

Look, the general rule in these matters is this: if you doubt whether or not she is interested, move on. A believe me, when a woman is genuinely interested in you you will know. She’ll leave no room for doubts.

2 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said:

im just tired of being single

It’s not a good reason to start a relationship. You shouldn’t try to find someone just because you’re lonely. You are probably projecting that mindset, and she might have picked up on that. Women don’t like guys who hit on them just because they don’t want to be single.

 

2 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said:

im f***ing scared of looking stupid and wrong about this.

Another off-putting state of mind. Who cares what you look like when you’re courting a woman? If you really want her, insist on a romantic date. If she rejects it you’ll know for sure she isn’t interested, and begin to move on.

[Gulf-Delta]

6 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Look, the general rule in these matters is this: if you doubt whether or not she is interested, move on. A believe me, when a woman is genuinely interested in you you will know. She’ll leave no room for doubts.

so then i have to ask, what things would a "geniunely interested woman" do with a guy she just met, vs one who doesnt? i mean, sure, she could shove her hand in my pants or something, but realistically, to me, giving me her number, inviting me to stuff, saying she is open to a date at some point, etc do sound like a reasonable amount of interest for the time we've known each other and level of familiarity we have

as far as "you wouldnt have doubts", unless her tongue is in my mouth, ive always had doubts on when a woman was interested in me or not.

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

It sounds to me like she's a friendly person who was trying to support you in getting further involved with the church group.  It's not at all uncommon to give your number to a new person so that they can get more details from you

even after letting her know i was interested in dating her? women do that, they pursue platonic friendships even after the guy admits he is interested in more? i have never seen that. i have seen plenty of guys stalk girls after getting turned down, but never women pursuing anything after that "date" seal was broken

 

7 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

If she were interested in me romantically, then of course she’d go out with me, be alone with me, and show interest and romantic affection.

even if you were a stranger without her knowing you? youve gone up to random women you dont know and theyve agreed to go on 1-on-1 dates with you? im not being combative or doubting you necessarily,, this just actually seems kind of bizarre..unless you're like, leo dicpario levels of attractive

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Gulf-Delta said:

as far as "you wouldnt have doubts", unless her tongue is in my mouth, ive always had doubts on when a woman was interested in me or not.

I’m sorry you feel this way. Maybe you need a little bit more experience. It appears to me that you don’t understand that there is a whole wide spectrum of romantic and affectionate gestures between giving you a phone number and sticking a hand in your pants or a tongue in your mouth.

1 hour ago, Gulf-Delta said:

even if you were a stranger without her knowing you? youve gone up to random women you dont know and theyve agreed to go on 1-on-1 dates with you?

Err… actually, yes. But she isn’t “random”, you’ve met her at church, you’ve been communicating for a long while now. I don’t see any reason for her not to go on a date with you and not to display any romantic affection to you by now unless she isn’t interested in you romantically.

[Acacia98]

I get the impression that at some level, she's enjoying the attention but isn't actually interested in you. 

If I were you, I'd continue being superficially friendly but stop reaching out and stop attending the Bible study.

[basil67]

9 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said:

even after letting her know i was interested in dating her? women do that, they pursue platonic friendships even after the guy admits he is interested in more? i have never seen that. i have seen plenty of guys stalk girls after getting turned down, but never women pursuing anything after that "date" seal was broken

Read what you wrote: "she works there, shes like a social butterfly, has to make nice with everyone".  She isn't in a position to be cool or stand-offish towards you.  

It is her JOB to be nice to people, to encourage them to the church and fellowship meetings, make them feel welcome and included.  Also, I can't see that she's pursuing a 1:1 friendship with the two of you doing things without the rest of the group.   

Edited June 5 by basil67

[Gulf-Delta]

10 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I’m sorry you feel this way. Maybe you need a little bit more experience. It appears to me that you don’t understand that there is a whole wide spectrum of romantic and affectionate gestures between giving you a phone number and sticking a hand in your pants or a tongue in your mouth.

Err… actually, yes. But she isn’t “random”, you’ve met her at church, you’ve been communicating for a long while now. I don’t see any reason for her not to go on a date with you and not to display any romantic affection to you by now unless she isn’t interested in you romantically.

I was exaggerating. all i meant was, im bad at reading signals, even when girls have been  (in retrospect) very obvious in the past. similarly, ive had situations where a girl wanted me badly and didnt make a move.

on this "wide spectrum of affectionate gestures" wouldnt giving phone numbers, initiating conversations and checking an age gap be part of that?

but anyway, dude, i WISH we've been communicating for "a long while". it certainly would make things much easier to understand. but the reality is, if i had to guess, in total our interactions or chats have amounted to 1 hour total. MAYBE 2 at a stretch? where you say you dont see any reason she wouldnt go on a date, i see the opposite. she doesnt really know me from adam. im just a random dude who asked for her out. she doesnt know anything about me, my character, etc. for all she knows, i could have bodies in my freezer or something. she has every reason to be cautious or reserved on accepting dates from (basically) total strangers.

9 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I get the impression that at some level, she's enjoying the attention but isn't actually interested in you. 

If I were you, I'd continue being superficially friendly but stop reaching out and stop attending the Bible study.

well, the bible study groups take a break during summer, there wont be another one until august or something. but i need to go to them anyway, personal choice, nothing to do with her. i would go even if she didnt go.

as for stop reaching out...i did. i figured, well, shes not making any effort, shes not interested, move on. so i didnt really talk to her on any following sundays. not intentionally ignoring her or being rude, just stopped reaching out or initiating contact. i was already over the situation and looking at other girls. and then she initiated contact with me last sunday. when i talked to her last, she initiated with me. i walked by her, i saw her but we didnt make eye contact even. again, i wasnt being rude, just giving her space, and then she calls out to me.

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Read what you wrote: "she works there, shes like a social butterfly, has to make nice with everyone".  She isn't in a position to be cool or stand-offish towards you.  

It is her JOB to be nice to people, to encourage them to the church and fellowship meetings, make them feel welcome and included.  Also, I can't see that she's pursuing a 1:1 friendship with the two of you doing things without the rest of the group.   

well, sure, her job is to be nice and make them feel welcome. very true. but i dont think that includes giving out phone numbers, saying you want to go on a date but want to get to know someone first, etc. again, im not saying this is some kind of romanitic gesture or something...but it certainly goes beyond just being pleasant and welcoming, in my opinion.

in my semi-limited experience in adulthood at least, if a girl isnt interested, and contact or anything like that is quashed. either out of awkwardness or not wanting to give false hope...both parties just kind of let it go and that's the end of it. they certainly dont keep entertaining the idea, right? im thinking like you! she was just being nice, so when we couldnt link up, i said, "hey, its cool youre not into it, i understand,no hard feelings" and dropped it. she replied more than once, she does want to see me...with caveats or whatever attached (we dont know each other, she's busy with this or that when i asked)...if there was no interest on her part, she wouldve just dropped, right? or made any number of excuses or ways to say no. she couldve said "i dont date members of the church, i have a boyfriend, im uncomfortable with your age, im not looking to date," whatever. if she was not interested at all, saying "no, really, i do want to go out, here's my phone number" and continuing contact is a weird way of conveying "no interest" right?

in my semi-limited expereince on this subject, i dont think many women WOULD pursue a 1:1 relationship with a stranger without getting to know them first, even if they were interested. i could be wrong, but if i was a girl in her situation, i certainly wouldnt say "Yes let's meet up alone" to a stranger...would you?

Edited June 6 by Gulf-Delta

[basil67]

33 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said:

well, sure, her job is to be nice and make them feel welcome. very true. but i dont think that includes giving out phone numbers, saying you want to go on a date but want to get to know someone first, etc. again, im not saying this is some kind of romanitic gesture or something...but it certainly goes beyond just being pleasant and welcoming, in my opinion.

in my semi-limited experience in adulthood at least, if a girl isnt interested, and contact or anything like that is quashed. either out of awkwardness or not wanting to give false hope...both parties just kind of let it go and that's the end of it. they certainly dont keep entertaining the idea, right? im thinking like you! she was just being nice, so when we couldnt link up, i said, "hey, its cool youre not into it, i understand,no hard feelings" and dropped it. she replied more than once, she does want to see me...with caveats or whatever attached (we dont know each other, she's busy with this or that when i asked)...if there was no interest on her part, she wouldve just dropped, right? or made any number of excuses or ways to say no. she couldve said "i dont date members of the church, i have a boyfriend, im uncomfortable with your age, im not looking to date," whatever. if she was not interested at all, saying "no, really, i do want to go out, here's my phone number" and continuing contact is a weird way of conveying "no interest" right?

You're very binary in your thinking.  Thing is, different people do things different ways. The fact that they aren't doing things as you expect may make it confusing, but it doesn't make them wrong.

With regards to getting phone numbers, perhaps she's got everyone's phone number because she has some kind of coordination role.   She may have considered the date with you, and perhaps even considered having another one and then changed her mind.  It's OK for a person to change their mind.  It's also possible that your apology for asking her on a date made her feel awkward and she panicked and fumbled.  (In future, don't go apologising or suggesting no hard feelings.  Just continue on as if the request for a date had never happened).   

With regards to going out with a man I know very little about, I've certainly done it.

[Alpacalia]

21 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said:

im just tired of being single, and im f***ing scared of looking stupid and wrong about this.

You're not foolish for wanting to pursue someone you're interested in.

It's hard to say because she could be interested, but hesitant or she could just be being polite as well. I would say try to get to know her more, maybe in a group setting first to make her more comfortable. If she's truly interested, then she'll step up and start showing more interest and making more effort. If not, then you have your answer and it's time to move on.

[Gulf-Delta]

13 minutes ago, basil67 said:

With regards to getting phone numbers, perhaps she's got everyone's phone number because she has some kind of coordination role.   She may have considered the date with you, and perhaps even considered having another one and then changed her mind.  It's OK for a person to change their mind.  It's also possible that your apology for asking her on a date made her feel awkward and she panicked and fumbled.  (In future, don't go apologising or suggesting no hard feelings.  Just continue on as if the request for a date had never happened).  

i didnt say she couldnt or wouldnt change her mind. i just dont know whats going on from her side. i think ive made my intention clear, why isnt she leaving me alone if she isnt interested? if she's not interested, thats ok...what im confused about it what the boundaries are and HER feelings and how SHE PERSONALLY might show interest. like i said, i had already left it behind. not in a way that i wasnt interested, but i dont want to keep barking up a tree with nothing in it.....but her re-initiating seems like a green light to keep interacting with her.

perhaps you might go on dates with a near-stranger, but is that really common? like you said, people do things in different ways. she said in her own words, she doesnt go out with guys she doesnt know and prefers to get to know people in a social setting. so to me, again, just to me, this means "yes, im not opposed to going out, but i want to get to know you before i do that". and again, i could be incorrect, but that is basically what her words are saying.

"i dont go out with guys i dont know, i like to get to know people in the context of community...come to this community gathering at this place and time"...again TO ME, this reads like "you seem ok, but i dont know you enough yet to commit to a date, lets connect in this communal public place"

there hasnt really been any time for us to know each other or cultivate any kind of social relationship at all. i dont know anything about her either, and its quite possible that a near-stranger asking her for a 1:1 date might be outside her comfort zone. in fact, i would say that is likely.

why would she panic about me "apologizing"? i crossed a line

Edited June 6 by Gulf-Delta

[Gulf-Delta]

5 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

You're not foolish for wanting to pursue someone you're interested in.

It's hard to say because she could be interested, but hesitant or she could just be being polite as well. I would say try to get to know her more, maybe in a group setting first to make her more comfortable. If she's truly interested, then she'll step up and start showing more interest and making more effort. If not, then you have your answer and it's time to move on.

that was kind of my thinking

 

ive never gotten into a relationship by just boldly asking for a date. but i wanted to try it. try the old "Strike while the iron is hot" kind of approach

 

every relationship ive ever had has been based on familiarity. either girls i was running into a lot at parties, or girls i worked with, that kind of thing. over time, we just grow comfortable with each other and things develop.

 

but with this girl, i wanted to try to do something more "traditional" and just grab the bull by the horns and ask with basically no prior connection

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Gulf-Delta said:

i didnt say she couldnt or wouldnt change her mind. i just dont know whats going on from her side. i think ive made my intention clear, why isnt she leaving me alone if she isnt interested? if she's not interested, thats ok...what im confused about it what the boundaries are and HER feelings and how SHE PERSONALLY might show interest. like i said, i had already left it behind. not in a way that i wasnt interested, but i dont want to keep barking up a tree with nothing in it.....but her re-initiating seems like a green light to keep interacting with her.

She's not leaving you alone because of her job is at the church and apparently involves being social and welcoming.   

1 hour ago, Gulf-Delta said:

perhaps you might go on dates with a near-stranger, but is that really common?

You directly asked me if I would go out with a near -stranger.  I answered to the affirmative.   You didn't ask me what other women may do, and I can't answer for them

1 hour ago, Gulf-Delta said:

there hasnt really been any time for us to know each other or cultivate any kind of social relationship at all. i dont know anything about her either, and its quite possible that a near-stranger asking her for a 1:1 date might be outside her comfort zone. in fact, i would say that is likely.  

You could be right.  But it doesn't necessarily mean that she may want to date you in the future.  She may or she may not. 

1 hour ago, Gulf-Delta said:

why would she panic about me "apologizing"? i crossed a line

Because your apology was unnecessary and a bit weird because people don't generally do that.  And I don't mean a full PANIC.  More just when one feels awkward and uncomfortable and blurt out something without thinking.

[Gulf-Delta]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

She's not leaving you alone because of her job is at the church and apparently involves being social and welcoming.   

You directly asked me if I would go out with a near -stranger.  I answered to the affirmative.   You didn't ask me what other women may do, and I can't answer for them

You could be right.  But it doesn't necessarily mean that she may want to date you in the future.  She may or she may not. 

Because your apology was unnecessary and a bit weird because people don't generally do that.  And I don't mean a full PANIC.  More just when one feels awkward and uncomfortable and blurt out something without thinking.

idk, i guess i was stupid for thinking about it so much

 

i appreciate the perspective anyway and will just continue doing my thing

 

just seemed to me this continued contact was kind of a green light or like this was "her version" of getting to know me better or vice versa. like going out 1:1 was too big a move for her, so it seemed like she was suggesting "let's get to know each other through this venue before we do anything alone"

 

but im probably wrong. i just dont want to give up on it if something is there. i guess if i feel like something is there on her end, any interest, i dont want her to think im not interested or upset or whatever because she turned me down...but im not even sure if she actually turned me down anyway. her response felt like a "maybe, but not right now", not a no.

 

like i said, ever yrelationship ive ever had has been based on familiarity. seeing each other a lot and something building over time...i prefer to do things that way, i guess maybe i was thinking she wants to try things that way too.

Edited June 6 by Gulf-Delta

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said:

on this "wide spectrum of affectionate gestures" wouldnt giving phone numbers, initiating conversations and checking an age gap be part of that?

No. There is nothing inherently romantic in either of those gestures. I meant something like flirty messages, suggestive looks, compliments, and of course one on one dates, romantic conversations, holding hands, etc.

 

8 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said:

for all she knows, i could have bodies in my freezer or something. she has every reason to be cautious or reserved on accepting dates from (basically) total strangers.

Everyone is a total stranger in the beginning. Anyone could have bodies in the freezer. If you like a person, you go on one on one dates with that person, end of story.

[Gulf-Delta]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Everyone is a total stranger in the beginning. Anyone could have bodies in the freezer. If you like a person, you go on one on one dates with that person, end of story.

and youre saying its common that "in the beginning" attraction (and all the things that go with it) are strong enough that people atomaticaly go on dates when asked?

again, im no don juan stud or anything, and im certainly no expert on people, but i have never experienced or heard of attraction happening that way, outside of the internet or a tv show show or something

 

from anything ive seen in real life, liking someone is not an instantaneous thing. ymmv i guess

 

i suppose the options are, she either could be interested, but wants to play it safe for any number of reasons, or im actually so repellant and terrible that she doesnt even want to entertain the idea of getting to know me more

 

youve given me a lot to think about, thanks

Edited June 6 by Gulf-Delta

[Gebidozo]

41 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said:

and youre saying its common that "in the beginning" attraction (and all the things that go with it) are strong enough that people atomaticaly go on dates when asked?

Well, I can only speak for myself. If a woman’s attraction to me is so weak that she wouldn’t even go out on a date with me, wouldn’t send me romantic messages, wouldn’t display her affection, then I wouldn’t bother pursuing her further. I don’t know what “common” means in this context, I can only say that everyone I’ve ever dated went out on dates with me “automatically”, like you say.

 

46 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said:

im actually so repellant and terrible that she doesnt even want to entertain the idea of getting to know me more

Nah, that’s hardly a plausible option. I think she just isn’t romantically into you. It’s not a big deal. Plenty of other fish in the sea.

[Gulf-Delta]

8 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Well, I can only speak for myself. If a woman’s attraction to me is so weak that she wouldn’t even go out on a date with me, wouldn’t send me romantic messages, wouldn’t display her affection, then I wouldn’t bother pursuing her further. I don’t know what “common” means in this context, I can only say that everyone I’ve ever dated went out on dates with me “automatically”, like you say.

 

Nah, that’s hardly a plausible option. I think she just isn’t romantically into you. It’s not a big deal. Plenty of other fish in the sea.

i feel like we're talking in circles and kind of saying the same thing. it might be semantic differences.

its obvious she isnt ROMANTICALLY interested in me. im not ROMANTICALLY interested in her either.

she has surface level things that tell my brain "this person has potential". but i dont know anything about her. other than she could be a potential partner. she's a maybe, based on what i know so far

what i am saying is, i am in the same category for her. in my thinking, romantic interest means that you know each other and are pursuing something exclusive or serious...that obviously isnt my case.

as for you just getting dates and "romantic insterest" instantly, i find that very bizarre, but thats just different lives i guess.

[basil67]

9 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said:

i suppose the options are, she either could be interested, but wants to play it safe for any number of reasons, or im actually so repellant and terrible that she doesnt even want to entertain the idea of getting to know me more

You do realise that there's a whole lot of space between "could be interested" and "I'm so repellant and terrible"?   For starters, she could also see you as being a friend or acquaintance