basil67 Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 5 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said: it wasnt "too much". she asked me about mine. i asked her about hers i return. both boiled down to "we had an ex a long time ago that cheated, thats messed up". thats really all there was to it OK. I guess this isn't a conversation which I'd have in early days Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 10 Author Share Posted June 10 (edited) 13 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: Yes, you’re a sore loser, and that’s why you keep losing. Change your attitude and start seeing rejection not as a loss, but as an opportunity to learn and grow. Genocides are unfair and brutal. Do yourself a favor and cut off the self-pity. well, i guess all i can do is shrug and accept it then. i put my best self forward with this girl, because i really saw potential there. and it wasnt good enough. so what do you do when your best doesnt cut it? this is just who i am, theres not much i can do about. you cant stop being a sore loser or into self-pity if thats what your life has always been i dont think its self-pity as much as it is just facing reality and i dont think its being a sore loser as much as it is just general anger over constant losing. am i supposed to just pretend im happy about how things are playing out in my life? im supposed to put my head on my pillow in my empty bed and empty house, put the desires of my heart aside and go "yep, everything is fine" at what point am i allowed to feel what i feel? at what point am i allowed to be angry and pissed off, or sad? ive had people my whole life telling me "dont feel this, dont have this mindset". this whole thread is that as well. how many times do i have to emotionally bite my tongue and pretend im ok with all of this crap i have to deal with constantly. we can talk all day about what is a "proper" or "logical" or "Healthy" response, but that isnt how the brain works. that isnt how emotions work. im f***ing pissed at my station in life, and im pissed that the effort im putting into changing it is fruitless. i had a door slam in my face, i had a path closed off to me. i was feeling good and bright and optimistic. I felt like i was improving as a person. and thats gone, and im supposed to not feel sad about that? why am I always the one who has to "suck it up". no one else in my life does. they can drop me at any time, and go on without any consequence at all and live great lives without me in it, meanwhile i am always the one who has to suck it up, im the one who has to process and deal with it, im the one who gets told "hey man, thats just how they feel, thats their prerogative". when is it my turn? im not saying im owed a turn, but to sit here on a computer and tell me my feelings about this are invalid and i shouldnt be mad about this is infuriating Edited June 10 by Gulf-Delta Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 26 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said: if its inherent in me and its just how i am, well then its just how i am and im screwed. You see, this is exactly the attitude that turns people off. 27 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said: this is why ive never aksed a woman out before. theres too much bullshit. its all games and s***. If that’s your opinion of dating and romance, why are you so surprised you aren’t good at it? You obviously don’t love it. You swear a lot, you’re angry, you pity yourself, and you only like winning. You can never succeed in something you don’t truly love. You remind me of some of my students, who get frustrated and swear and say “I’ll never succeed, this profession sucks”. To which I always respond, “If you keep being such a whiny little b**** about the most wonderful profession in the world, you don’t deserve to succeed, my friend”. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 26 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said: you dont know me, man. youre going on about stuff like self-pity or pride or humility etc. none of this stuff came up. and if its inherent in me and its just how i am, well then its just how i am and im screwed. Thing is, the vibes of your self pity and pride are coming through your words constantly. Then there's your level of despair and disappointment which is not congruent with having talked to a women for a couple of hours tops and her deciding she doesn't want to date you. Some things to work on before you start dating again: learn to be more chill and manage your expectations. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 7 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said: well, i guess all i can do is shrug and accept it then. i put my best self forward with this girl, because i really saw potential there. and it wasnt good enough. so what do you do when your best doesnt cut it? It's happened to all of us. We move and and find someone where our best DOES cut it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 10 Author Share Posted June 10 Just now, Gebidozo said: You see, this is exactly the attitude that turns people off. If that’s your opinion of dating and romance, why are you so surprised you aren’t good at it? You obviously don’t love it. You swear a lot, you’re angry, you pity yourself, and you only like winning. You can never succeed in something you don’t truly love. You remind me of some of my students, who get frustrated and swear and say “I’ll never succeed, this profession sucks”. To which I always respond, “If you keep being such a whiny little b**** about the most wonderful profession in the world, you don’t deserve to succeed, my friend”. well, if thats the attitude that turns people off, then im a turn off. i cant change how i am or how i feel. i swear to god, i would give anything to know how. if you know, please, share the f***ing secret for the love of god because god knows i dont want it anymore i guess i dont deserve to succeed in dating. because i dont love it. i dont love it because of the garbage thats attached to it. the impossible hoops you have to jump through. im not built for it, and i never felt like i have been built for it. so i dont bother, but hey, im making some life changes in 2024, working out a little, being more social, dropping addictions, going to church, oh hey cool, theres a really amazing woman here. maybe with these newfound social skills and confidence, something can happen here, ill ask her out. i feel as masculine and as good as i ever have, this will be great! i dont like the idea of dating and all the games, but you know, this girl seems worth it, ill try it! and it wasnt worth it. i was seemingly right about dating Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 23 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said: it wasnt "too much". she asked me about mine. i asked her about hers i return. both boiled down to "we had an ex a long time ago that cheated, thats messed up". thats really all there was to it That’s hardly what relationships “boil down to”. If both of you think that your previous romantic experience can boil down to “I was cheated on”, then neither of you is ready for a relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 10 Author Share Posted June 10 5 minutes ago, basil67 said: Thing is, the vibes of your self pity and pride are coming through your words constantly. Then there's your level of despair and disappointment which is not congruent with having talked to a women for a couple of hours tops and her deciding she doesn't want to date you. Some things to work on before you start dating again: learn to be more chill and manage your expectations. you dont know my words or vibe or attitude or posture or anything when im around people. this is an anonymous forum thread about heartbreak, you think i talk about this stuff and my insecurities in real life on first dates? give me more credit than that. i was chill. expectations were managed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 10 Author Share Posted June 10 (edited) 3 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: That’s hardly what relationships “boil down to”. If both of you think that your previous romantic experience can boil down to “I was cheated on”, then neither of you is ready for a relationship. well, there was a little more to it, thats a summary, but im really not sure how being cheated on ~10 years ago makes either of us not ready for a relationship my actual previous expereince was that i fell in love and got engaged to a girl that didnt love me, and used me to get out of a bad situation she was in. she cheated, we broke up, she continued to use me for emotional and physical support until she moved out, and we never spoke again but thats a little too much detail for a first date, dont you think? Edited June 10 by Gulf-Delta Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 (edited) 6 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said: you dont know my words or vibe or attitude or posture or anything when im around people. this is an anonymous forum thread about heartbreak, you think i talk about this stuff and my insecurities in real life on first dates? give me more credit than that. i was chill. expectations were managed. No, I wasn't there. But she saw something in your words or vibe or attitude or posture which she didn't feel connected with If your expectations were managed, you would not be here. 9 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said: but hey, im making some life changes in 2024, working out a little, being more social, dropping addictions, going to church, oh hey cool, theres a really amazing woman here. maybe with these newfound social skills and confidence, something can happen here, ill ask her out. i feel as masculine and as good as i ever have, this will be great! i dont like the idea of dating and all the games, but you know, this girl seems worth it, ill try it! and it wasnt worth it. i was seemingly right about dating It's terrific that you're making improvements, but a person doesn't go from zero to hero. It's a long process and the more you stick with it, the more you will keep seeing improvements. In a year or two, you may look back at this thread and see how far you've come yet again. For many of us, our personal development is lifelong. Edited June 10 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 10 Author Share Posted June 10 (edited) 14 minutes ago, basil67 said: No, I wasn't there. But she saw something in your words or vibe or attitude or posture which she didn't feel connected with If your expectations were managed, you would not be here. It's terrific that you're making improvements, but a person doesn't go from zero to hero. It's a long process and the more you stick with it, the more you will keep seeing improvements. In a year or two, you may look back at yourself and see how far you've come yet again. For many of us, our personal development is lifelong. i would still be here, regardless. its not about expectations, i knew almost from the beginning that this wasnt going to work out. because things like this never have for me. but hey, you know what i did. i followed the advice of that other guy in the thread, and i dropped the self pity. i said to myself "hey man, you got this, you got some muscles, youre not socially inept, you CAN have conversations with beautiful women. you like that girl, go after it, you got this". i adopted an optimistic attitude, where, i didnt feel like it was gonna work,, but i LIED TO MYSELF, and said "No man, drop the self pity, change your mindset, stay positive!" i told myself all sorts of platitudes about stuff like "you dont know her feelings, just enjoy the ride, just enjoy being around her, be in the moment, etc" . i wasnt expecting anything to come from this, but things got better and better until they werent im not upset because my expectations werent met, im upset because in a way, they were met. i had doubts about a lot of this situation, but i shoved them away, i didnt want a pessimistic mindset about it. i shut those voices out. but i was right in my doubts. i have enough experience with women in my life to not really have positive expectations. so i didnt thins time either, i was just optimistic and thought maybe god would throw me a bone this one time. this expericence makes me want to crawl back into my hole, start my addictions back up and just never try again, because what the f*** is the point? part of me wanting to change my life, was so that i could treat myself, and give myself a gift of what my heart TRULY TRULY wanted in life. part of that is to be loved (and give love, i have a lot to give) and have a family of my own. and i thought "Well, ill never get that unless i change my ways, and make an effort". so i got rid of a lot of toxic stuff in my life. and it feels now like it was for nothing. it feels like no matter what improvements or changes i try, what i TRULY want in life is just not inthe cards for me. this s*** hurts too much, i feel like im stabbing myself Edited June 10 by Gulf-Delta Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 16 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said: i would still be here, regardless. its not about expectations, i knew almost from the beginning that this wasnt going to work out. because things like this never have for me. but hey, you know what i did. i followed the advice of that other guy in the thread, and i dropped the self pity. i said to myself "hey man, you got this, you got some muscles, youre not socially inept, you CAN have conversations with beautiful women. you like that girl, go after it, you got this". i adopted an optimistic attitude, where, i didnt feel like it was gonna work,, but i LIED TO MYSELF, and said "No man, drop the self pity, change your mindset, stay positive!" i told myself all sorts of platitudes about stuff like "you dont know her feelings, just enjoy the ride, just enjoy being around her, be in the moment, etc" . i wasnt expecting anything to come from this, but things got better and better until they werent im not upset because my expectations werent met, im upset because in a way, they were met. i had doubts about a lot of this situation, but i shoved them away, i didnt want a pessimistic mindset about it. i shut those voices out. but i was right in my doubts. i have enough experience with women in my life to not really have positive expectations. so i didnt thins time either, i was just optimistic and thought maybe god would throw me a bone this one time. this expericence makes me want to crawl back into my hole, start my addictions back up and just never try again, because what the f*** is the point? part of me wanting to change my life, was so that i could treat myself, and give myself a gift of what my heart TRULY TRULY wanted in life. part of that is to be loved (and give love, i have a lot to give) and have a family of my own. and i thought "Well, ill never get that unless i change my ways, and make an effort". so i got rid of a lot of toxic stuff in my life. and it feels now like it was for nothing. it feels like no matter what improvements or changes i try, what i TRULY want in life is just not inthe cards for me. this s*** hurts too much, i feel like im stabbing myself Have you done any reading on the concept of developing resilience? I suggest you prioritise it Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 10 Author Share Posted June 10 Just now, basil67 said: Have you done any reading on the concept of developing resilience? I suggest you prioritise it i get it. but...something like resilience is not and endless well. people have limits. like i was saying in other posts, how much resilience is one man expected to exhibit? how much pain am i supposed to endure here? how long am i supposed to put on a smile and pretend im okay with all this. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 9 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said: i get it. but...something like resilience is not and endless well. people have limits. like i was saying in other posts, how much resilience is one man expected to exhibit? how much pain am i supposed to endure here? how long am i supposed to put on a smile and pretend im okay with all this. This level of reaction is completely out of proportion with one woman not being interested in you. I get it, we’ve all been disappointed in love, but you’re sounding like your wife has just died or cheated. Do you have a psychologist? I now think you need this more than a book 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 10 Author Share Posted June 10 (edited) 5 minutes ago, basil67 said: This level of reaction is completely out of proportion with one woman not being interested in you. I get it, we’ve all been disappointed in love, but you’re sounding like your wife has just died or cheated. Do you have a psychologist? I now think you need this more than a book its not blown out of proportion. this stuff is a constant problem for me. and the way my personal sense of attraction works, i guess i need to be very "invested " before i even care enough to ask for a date being "invested" and having strong feelings is the motivator for asking, and if i dont feel strong feelings, i dont care enough. which means every first date is high stakes, for me. i do go to therapy. i guess it isnt working Edited June 10 by Gulf-Delta Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 13 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said: its not blown out of proportion. this stuff is a constant problem for me. and the way my personal sense of attraction works, i guess i need to be very "invested " before i even care enough to ask for a date being "invested" and having strong feelings is the motivator for asking, and if i dont feel strong feelings, i dont care enough. which means every first date is high stakes, for me. i do go to therapy. i guess it isnt working Ah, this explains why you think I'm mean for avoiding someone who I just met and don't enjoy talking to. Would it be fair to say that you're projecting that they have some kind of investment in me and will be terribly upset for not giving them a chance? Anyway, the way you're talking is proportionate to heartbreak....it's like the woman you've loved for two years has dumped you with no warning and you're spiralling. Except that this isn't the case. In this case, you're spiralling because you've had an imaginary thing going on....getting invested before you've been on dates with them I'm glad you're doing therapy. I strongly suggest you take this to the therapist and unpack it further. See if they can help you find a different way to go about this which doesn't put your mental health at risk Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 10 Author Share Posted June 10 (edited) 6 minutes ago, basil67 said: Ah, this explains why you think I'm mean for avoiding someone who I just met and don't enjoy talking to. Would it be fair to say that you're projecting that they have some kind of investment in me and will be terribly upset for not giving them a chance? Anyway, the way you're talking is proportionate to heartbreak....it's like the woman you've loved for two years has dumped you with no warning and you're spiralling. Except that this isn't the case. In this case, you're spiralling because you've had an imaginary thing going on....getting invested before you've been on dates with them I'm glad you're doing therapy. I strongly suggest you take this to the therapist and unpack it further. See if they can help you find a different way to go about this which doesn't put your mental health at risk well the thing is, i dont want to even go on a date unless im "invested" i dont think im projecting, i just think in terms of dating, and selecting a partner, you need to do a lot of digging with that person. more digging and familiarity than 1 hour im sure i will get over this, the wound is just fresh Edited June 10 by Gulf-Delta Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 (edited) Quote well the thing is, i dont want to even go on a date unless im "invested" i just think in terms of dating, and selecting a partner, you need to do a lot of digging with that person. more digging and familiarity than 1 hour Hang on, you don't even want to go on a date unless you're already invested....but expect others to give you many hours of talking/dating to see if that connection is there? Quote im sure i will get over this, the wound is just fresh I'm sure you will. But I worry that you're going to do this each time you have a fresh interest in someone. It's pretty dangerous for your mental health Edited June 10 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 10 Author Share Posted June 10 2 minutes ago, basil67 said: Hang on, you don't even want to go on a date unless you're already invested....but expect others to give you many hours of talking/dating to see if that connection is there? I'm sure you will. But I worry that you're going to do this each time you have a fresh interest in someone. It's pretty dangerous for your mental health i dont think these two things are related. my level of attraction has nothing to do with time. im talking about my level of attraction. in this case, it was pretty quick, but that isnt always. with my ex who i actually, fully loved, it took months before i was really actually into her beyond superficial stuff. im just saying, for me, if i was attracted enough to accept a date from a girl, if she were to ask, i would give it time to see if anything was there. give them benefit of the doubt, i guess. i wouldnt worry about "each time", i probably will not be doing this ever again Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 14 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said: im just saying, for me, if i was attracted enough to accept a date from a girl, if she were to ask, i would give it time to see if anything was there. give them benefit of the doubt, i guess. Sure. And if a woman had initial physical or emotional attraction to you, she'd also give you a bit of time. I've been talking about not giving time when there's insufficient attraction on either level. You sound like you have a lot of love to give if you can learn to manage this stuff better. Please keep working on it with your therapist Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 3 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said: this sounds insane to me. i couldnt imagine treating people like that. It's not "treating" a person any way at all. It's opting out. I'm pretty sure you don't believe any of the stuff you're spouting in your current rather histrionic state; otherwise, you would absolutely be paired up and long married by now. You are basically saying that EVERYBODY should be giving everyone else a chance, and you yourself would give everyone THREE chances. Or, are you like that church lady and every other normal person, and you simply have no interest in getting involved with a great many people you come across in the course of your day to day life? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 10 Author Share Posted June 10 1 minute ago, basil67 said: Sure. And if a woman had initial physical or emotional attraction to you, she'd also give you a bit of time. I've been talking about not giving time when there's insufficient attraction on either level. You sound like you have a lot of love to give if you can learn to manage this stuff better. Please keep working on it with your therapist right, but what i mean is...someone cannot click because of...idk, they said something weird. or wore something wrong. or anything. in my opinion, i think i would feel almost obligated to overlook something small like that. first dates are nerve wracking, people can stutter, say something dumb, be awkward. FOR ME, i wouldnt be like "oh, i didnt like that, we dont click" after 1 date. idk if there is management. ive honestly hated this whole ride, the only time i felt good about any of it was when she gave me her number, and when she asked me out, and after the date. everything else has been filled with doubt, depression,, anxiety, etc. it seemed to good to be true,, and it was. i really dont have any desire to go through this turmoil again, its not worth it. its not her fault, i dont blame her or have any hard feelings toward her (but am extremely confused because she made it sound like i did everything right)...just the whole experience, just makes me never want to do it again the only reason this is a problem is, i also hate being alone. its fun for a couple years, but im over it, i want a partner now. so i dont wanna date, but want someone. so im bac where i was years ago Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 10 Author Share Posted June 10 4 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: It's not "treating" a person any way at all. It's opting out. I'm pretty sure you don't believe any of the stuff you're spouting in your current rather histrionic state; otherwise, you would absolutely be paired up and long married by now. You are basically saying that EVERYBODY should be giving everyone else a chance, and you yourself would give everyone THREE chances. Or, are you like that church lady and every other normal person, and you simply have no interest in getting involved with a great many people you come across in the course of your day to day life? i dont believe what? why would i be paired up and long married? lol if i like soemone enough to give them 1 date, i would overlook any initial weirdness and wait till a 2nd or 3rd to make a final decision. i just dont think a 1 hour first date is enough to get a read on if i want to be in a relationship with someone or not im a friendly guy, i give everyone a chance to now me if they want. if we're talking about DATING, if someone was approaching me for a date, and i felt enough of something to go on a first date, i would give them benefit of the doubt in the first one and give a second or 3rd chance. this doesnt seem weird to me at all, this just seems like regular common sense if you're looking for a partner Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 7 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said: ive honestly hated this whole ride 8 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said: i also hate being alone This is your problem. Too much hatred. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 10 Author Share Posted June 10 Just now, Gebidozo said: This is your problem. Too much hatred. im a passionate guy. trust me, if youve waled in my shoes, you wouldnt be happy either Link to post Share on other sites
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