Mixed signals? delusion? stupid? lol

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said:

the source of my pain is the situation at hand. im not the source of my pain, i wasnt feeling this stuff before. im feeling the pain because i got turned down and denied, in this case. other sources of pain are things that happened to me in the past, or a situation i am facing.

The situation at hand is not just a product of bad luck that simply keeps happening to you. Your mindset, your behavior, the vibe you project are all playing a huge role in your troubles. Instead of understanding that and working on yourself, you complain and blame the fate, like some kind of a pagan antique hero, not like a Christian.

 

2 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said:

for example, im self-sufficient. the issue is not becoming self-sufficient, it is that im tired of being self-sufficient. everything ive done for the last 12 years has been for me, about me.i bought a house, ive lived the bachelor life, ive done enough things for myself and by myself.

And again, you appear to have a strangely materialistic (especially for a Christian) view of things. I obviously meant spiritual self-sufficiency, which you’re still very far from attaining. Most of the ideas you’ve expressed here betray a very immature view of life.

 

2 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said:

you also have to understand, i cant just change attitudes and all the sudden everything is cool.

Obviously not “all the sudden”, it will probably take years of concentrated spiritual work. 

 

2 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said:

 

i dont even know how i can be prideful AND have self-pity.

I’m very surprised that you don’t understand this very basic Christian concept. Any priest or pastor will explain to you that self-pity is just the other side of pride.

Consider the biblical story of the original sin. You can view Adam’s behavior from the angle of pride (“who the hell is God that he dares to forbid me something?! I’m gonna eat whatever fruit I f***ing want!”), or from the angle of self-pity (“whyyyy can’t I eat the fruit? That’s just unfair! I want that fruit! Bad God made me all hungry and without that shiny beautiful fruit, oh poor me!”

Edited June 11 by Gebidozo

[SurfCity]

2 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said:

combined with seeing all of your friends effortlessly find relationships, etc etc

What people are trying to tell you in this thread is that it's not effortless. It may be easier for them than it is for you, but they still put in effort. 

2 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said:

I can't just wake up one morning and just have a more positive mindset.

No one said that it would be easy or happen overnight. It's going to take time, effort, and work to change your backwards thinking. 

Since you have never been successful with dating, it would make sense for you to be open minded to the opinions and advice of people who have been successful with dating and romantic relationships, but you're not. All you want to do is argue. Even before she rejected you, people in this thread were saying that there were bad signs and that the probability for a romantic connection was low. You argued about that, then when it turns out that you were wrong, you want to argue about the advice to help you feel better and get a better result next time. Being a contrarian and argumentative about everything is a very unattractive trait and has a lot more to do with your dating struggles than you think. You think that people can't tell that you're negative or you think that you can put on a show of positivity for a date and be negative all of the rest of the time, but that's not how it works. People can tell. You have to work on changing your negative mindset. Have you ever tried therapy or self-help books to help you with your negative thinking? 

 

 

[goldengirls]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

The situation at hand is not just a product of bad luck that simply keeps happening to you. Your mindset, your behavior, the vibe you project are all playing a huge role in your troubles. Instead of understanding that and working on yourself, you complain and blame the fate, like some kind of a pagan antique hero, not like a Christian.

THIS 100%!!! 
From reading these posts I can not tell you are a Christian one bit.  
You have a self loathing negative mindset and use foul language.  
none of how you are talking sounds Christian at all.  
 

I assume the reason she didn’t feel a connection is because she spotted this immediately.  
I’m also going to assume your level of Christianity and her level are completely different and she seeks someone more on her level.  Someone who isn’t dealing with traumas and needs to heal from past issues and addictions.  She needs someone who is already healed, who can be a leader for her and a future family.  She wants a man to lead and until you get a grasp on your negativity and past issues/trauma you are in no shape to lead her anywhere.  
you should take a break from any dating until you heal yourself or you will just drag someone else down with it.  
She mentions community things to gauge how much you are involved with the community already, as most Christian women do.  
While she might be attracted to you, she is doing the right thing by staying away.  You have a lot of work you need to do first before seeking a Christian like her.  If she’s working at the church she probably is very dedicated to her Christian values.  You seem very dedicated to yourself and all the bad things that happen in your life. 
 

Edited June 11 by goldengirls
Typo

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said:

so much so that the consensus in this very thread is that im evidently such a big romantic that i probably drove omeone away.

Mate, you're being delusional.   This is not the consensus on the thread.  I haven't read anyone even hint at it.  I haven't even felt that you have a romantic vibe. 

My theory is that she found you pleasant enough, but after some consideration she decided that there was insufficient attraction to go on a date with you.

[Gulf-Delta]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

Hang on, your first post has nothing about going on a first date.  It's all about approaching her for a first date.  Now you're telling us that she did go on a date with you but refused the second?

Am I the only one who missed an update about you going on a first date with her?   Either I'm going crazy or you can't keep your story straight

wait, are you being serious? i guess you missed it.you might be going crazy, you specifically have talked about things ive mentioned about the date... the condensed version is

i asked her out, kind of got a "im really busy, ill let you know". on friday, she texted me saying she wants to go for coffee. we had a really great time, very good conversation, we were both comfortable and opened up about childhoods, past relationships, etc. when i asked if she wanted to do it again, she said she wasnt sure, she has also had a very long time of being single like i have, and she wasnt sure "How this stuff works". i told her it's ok, we dont have to take anything really fast, we can just hang and see where it goes, its kind of new and weird for me too. i said there was no pressure, ill reach out later

after the date, i texted her saying i did want to see her again, but i also wanna respect her comfort and boundaries, so we dont have to do it right away.she said she had a good time, she said she liked and appreciated the direct approach and likes when the guy pursues, etc

on sunday, i saw her at church, she said she just wanst feeling it, she didnt feel a connection and "you're just getting back into the world and everything". i texted her later saying i appreciate her honesty, and wouldve liked to see if there was more potential there and to let me know if anything changes. said i was a nice person and she went out to see if anything was there, and there wasnt.

 

none of this rings a bell?

[Gulf-Delta]

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

You see. You just deny whatever I tell you. You aren’t even trying to understand what I’m telling you.

 

Exactly. You should love it in real life. You love an idealized, non-existing version of romance, not the actual thing itself. 
 

There’s nothing romantic in having unrealistically high expectations from a date, creating an idealized view of a woman you barely know, and going hysterical over rejections. I don’t think you understand what being a romantic means.

Nope, the consensus out this very thread is just the opposite, that you make women feel uncomfortable with all those very unromantic  traits of yours that you keep denying. You appear to have a little boy’s idea of romance as a quest to get a shiny trinket that magically solves all your problems.

im not sure why youre interpreting everything combative. you can be wrong about stuff about people you dont know. accept it dude. you can make an accusation all day, youre reading blocks of texts. im living this, i can tell you whether or not im being prideful or whatever. me correcting your assessment is not "not trying to understand".

 

you dont know what traits i have or exhibit man, you've never met me.

[Gulf-Delta]

3 hours ago, SurfCity said:

What people are trying to tell you in this thread is that it's not effortless. It may be easier for them than it is for you, but they still put in effort. 

No one said that it would be easy or happen overnight. It's going to take time, effort, and work to change your backwards thinking. 

Since you have never been successful with dating, it would make sense for you to be open minded to the opinions and advice of people who have been successful with dating and romantic relationships, but you're not. All you want to do is argue. Even before she rejected you, people in this thread were saying that there were bad signs and that the probability for a romantic connection was low. You argued about that, then when it turns out that you were wrong, you want to argue about the advice to help you feel better and get a better result next time. Being a contrarian and argumentative about everything is a very unattractive trait and has a lot more to do with your dating struggles than you think. You think that people can't tell that you're negative or you think that you can put on a show of positivity for a date and be negative all of the rest of the time, but that's not how it works. People can tell. You have to work on changing your negative mindset. Have you ever tried therapy or self-help books to help you with your negative thinking? 

 

 

im working on the negative thinking, but on the date in question it wasnt an in issue. on the date, i felt positive and optimistic and that it was going well. negatvitiy was nohwere in the room. not by some conscious choice or active suppression of it, it just wanst there. in no interactions wit this girl was negativity ever present. i would have avoided her because exactly what you describe.

i wanted this to work out, so i only even bothered approaching her when i felt at my absolute best, and that "Best" kept growing with each postive interaction

[Gulf-Delta]

3 hours ago, goldengirls said:

THIS 100%!!! 
From reading these posts I can not tell you are a Christian one bit.  
You have a self loathing negative mindset and use foul language.  
none of how you are talking sounds Christian at all.  
 

I assume the reason she didn’t feel a connection is because she spotted this immediately.  
I’m also going to assume your level of Christianity and her level are completely different and she seeks someone more on her level.  Someone who isn’t dealing with traumas and needs to heal from past issues and addictions.  She needs someone who is already healed, who can be a leader for her and a future family.  She wants a man to lead and until you get a grasp on your negativity and past issues/trauma you are in no shape to lead her anywhere.  
you should take a break from any dating until you heal yourself or you will just drag someone else down with it.  
She mentions community things to gauge how much you are involved with the community already, as most Christian women do.  
While she might be attracted to you, she is doing the right thing by staying away.  You have a lot of work you need to do first before seeking a Christian like her.  If she’s working at the church she probably is very dedicated to her Christian values.  You seem very dedicated to yourself and all the bad things that happen in your life. 
 

she spotted what immediately? where are you getting this self-loathing thing? how do i reak what your percieve as self-loathing?

as far as you saying i dont "sound like a christian", well no offense,, but i only listen to one person on what defines a christian.

i dont believe in "levels of christianity". we talked at length about faith, where we stand with it, how we view relationships through that lens. we were in agreement on pretty much everything when it came to faith

i am dedicated to myself. i dont want to be, anymore.

please dont say she might be attracted to me, that just gives me false hopes. i want to trust that she was being honest when she said she didnt feel anything, thinking otherwise will make me think i can "Get her" if i do this or that thing, or go to enough prayer groups or whatever. i dont wanna think that way.

 

i do have work to do, without all the gory details, i am working on them. she has stuff to work on to. your phrasing sounds like youre saying i need to reach some "level" of "goodness" or "holiness" to build the kind of life i want. that seems counterintuitive to christian ideas. i just have to miss out on good things because i didnt reach some imaginary watermark?

Edited June 11 by Gulf-Delta

[Gulf-Delta]

guys, ive done a lot of thinking. im not invalidating anything you guys have said. you have to understand, being rejected this way, at this point in my life is a new experience for me

i feel like you guys are getting the wrong picture of where my headspace is, and why.

ive battled with demons of some kind my whole life. i felt, even prior to meeting this girl, that i was making progress in defeating them (this involved therapy, working on my physique, blah blah). i felt bigger and brighter than i ever had in life. i was discovering i could talk and flirt with women with relative ease, wheras before, this was always something i kind of feared.

a couple weeks before i met my church crush, i saw a 10/10 supermodel-level girl at a bar i go to. she was hypnotizing. my self improvements and self work was paying off at this point and for the first time ever, i felt confident, and i decided to approach this girl. i didnt expect anything to happen with the girl at the bar, i just wanted to test out this new mind and confidence i had. i was literally in shock and so proud of myself for getting that balls to just go up and flirt with a girl who was by all measures and standards "out of my league". she was very kind and sweet, but had a boyfriend. ok, fine. i counted it as a win. there was no investment, i didnt expect anything, she had a much different life style to me, i just wanted to take myself for a test drive. i was able to flirt with a hot woman who, in 2023 i would have thought was too intimiating to even look at or stand next to.

fast forward a couple weeks, and i meet my church crush. she had something special about her, it was just a "feeling". butterflies in the stomach, magnetism, whatever cliche thing you wanna say. i still cant describe what it is that attracted me to her, or what made her stand out. there are tons of single girls at this church, many of them my age, and many of them complete knockouts. but none of them stood out this way.

a big part of why this rejection hurts as much as it did, is because i felt, with this new "confidence" (again, being just a shorthand for self improvement journey i had been on starting in 2024) that i could finally succeed with a girl i liked. i felt like you guys are saying. my whole life i had had sort of a fear of rejection, of being awkward, being anti social, etc. but starting in 2024, i made real actual effort to shed that. going to church in the first place was a big part of that. meeting fellow believers, becoming less passive in my relationship with God. i wasn tputting this girl on a pedestal as much as i was maybe putting myself on a pedestal.

when i met her, i was pretty instantly attracted (an initial little spark that only grew with each week and conversation), and my mind clicked and said "you like this girl, youve done major work on yourself, you are the best YOU youve ever been. go after this, this can work." i felt so good about myself, i got up the courage to ask out a girl i like instead of being afraid, admiring from afar. in 2023 and before, i wouldve just admired her, and never done anything about it. but i didnt do that. I actually looked my prior fears and insecurities in the face, and blew right passed them.

this rejection has raised a million questions for me. because i was feeling so strong, and big and "right" that i just really felt like this was gonna happen this time. being rejected like this makes me question, how far have i really come. not only was i lucky enough to stumble upon a girl who had qualities i liked, and qualities ive been seeking in a partner, but i had the balls and self confidence and felt secure enough to ask her on a date.

being rejected hurts not just because of the girl, but because it means all this work ive done in therapy, with my family, with myself esteem...it hasnt been enough. and self-improvement is not a game, theres no prize, im not saying that. but im a simple man. what ive always wanted was a beautiful wife and family. that is my hearts one true desire. and i was able to realize after years, that a lot of things were keeping me from getting that. i was very broken. i could barely even look at women, let alone date them or measure up compatability.

i suppose in my head, i thought i had fixed a lot of damage inside me, and now that i had, i was strong enough to grab life by the horns and get what ive always dreamed of. and im not saying this particular girl was that. but she could have been. she was beatiful, had a relationship with god, kindness, she had qualities ive always looked for. there was potential there, potential i was willing to investigate. i dont think every woman i see is going to end up my bride, or could. but if i do have a bride someday, it has to start with me liking a girl i meet.

 

when we went out, i felt good. i felt like this might be the payoff for my hard work. i had gone through hell in my life, and now there was a glimmer of hope for that being over. like if my whole life was an uphill climb, it felt like maybe i was nearing the top. i was so close to "finally, an end to this struggling, finally, something is going how i want it to go, finally, a path of something really exciting that could lead to something good". i was enthused about the girl herself, but also enthused at what i had accomplished and everything i had defeated and left behind me. i could start having an actual life of sorts. i could date someone like a normal person in normal society. but with being rejected its pretty terrible to see that no actually, you have a very long road ahead of you still. you have to have more pain, you have to wait longer and longer, and even then, there might not be an end. maybe no matter how much improve or how "fixed" i become, i still end up with nothing but my ego. sure, i might feel like king at some point. but what good is that if my one, true haarts desire for a family is never fulfilled.

it makes me feel like i was foolish in seeking something out so soon. i feel like i hadnt done enough work. it makes these leaps and bounds ive made seem all for naught. i dont know how to reconcile this new found "power" for lac of a better term, with being rejected. its a door and opportuinity closing forever because of something i cant really control. and what i want hasnt changed. shes still going to have all those qualities i like, and it could be years before i find another woman who i feel actually, fundamentally attracted to in the same way. who chaecks that many boxes for me.

i get that you guys think my posts are schiphrenic or combative, but you have to understand, im literally sifting through emotions on somethnig ive never expereinced before. in the morning i might be thinking about something else, and a couple hours later consider something else i have to tackle. ALL of this expereince is something new for me. from feeling confident enough to ask her out, to meeting a girl where i was interested in more than her looks, to going on a formal, real date, to getting rejected like this and so on and so on. these are all NEW feelings i have to process, you guys really dont have to be dicks about it just because you cant relate.

Edited June 11 by Gulf-Delta

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said:

im not sure why youre interpreting everything combative. you can be wrong about stuff about people you dont know. accept it dude. you can make an accusation all day, youre reading blocks of texts. im living this, i can tell you whether or not im being prideful or whatever. me correcting your assessment is not "not trying to understand".

 

you dont know what traits i have or exhibit man, you've never met me.

Dude, I’m spending my free time on helping you, I give you free advice, and you call me “combative” and keep complaining about it? Like, what the f***?😡

You’re behaving like a little ungrateful prick. No wonder you’re lonely.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Gulf-Delta said:

you guys really dont have to be dicks about it just because you cant relate.

The only person being a dick here is you.

Ok, fine, I’m being a dick now too. But the other posters have been extremely nice and patient with you. You really shouldn’t talk like this about them.

Man, you’ve made me miss ZA Dater. Similar vibe, but at least he is polite.

 

[Gulf-Delta]

27 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Dude, I’m spending my free time on helping you, I give you free advice, and you call me “combative” and keep complaining about it? Like, what the f***?😡

You’re behaving like a little ungrateful prick. No wonder you’re lonely.

case and point. i might be lonely, but at least im not an a**h***

 

youre barely giving advice, youre skimming parts of posts that you feel you can project something onto and act like im defective or doing something wrong and applying some label to me. i posted a whole long thing about the roots of my feelings and trying to explain things better, both for my own peace of mind, but also, maybe someone will give me advice. you cut straight to the last sentence so you had something to attack me about

 

youre just sating things with no explanation, "you have self pity," "you should love dating". like bro, this stuff doesnt make sense. im not complaining, im saying "yeah, feeling like this sucks, i had mind games". and you took this as "this is why youre alone". well cool, i have feelings, and will be alone because of them? what?

 

and when i tell you youre wrong, you come back with "you just deny evertihng and ignore advice". your advice isnt worth dick if youre just making up something about me. ALL you know about me is what ive posted here. youve used these posts to somehow try to psycho analyze who i am and my value and apply all these labels of "self pity" and "pride" and "having high expectations" or whatever.

i never complained about any advice.

when i try to be nice and say "hey man, you got some stuff wrong, settle down," look how youre reacting.

 

sometimes my reactions are cause me to vent. sometimes i just think about them. im trying to figure s*** out, im venting sometimes.

 

what do you want me to say "oh my god, youre right, i am a prideful loser, thanks for showing me the error of my ways, pain is all better now, internet stranger!" did you come in here to give advice with the expectation of recieving some kind of praise?

Edited June 11 by Gulf-Delta

[Gulf-Delta]

17 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

The only person being a dick here is you.

Ok, fine, I’m being a dick now too. But the other posters have been extremely nice and patient with you. You really shouldn’t talk like this about them.

Man, you’ve made me miss ZA Dater. Similar vibe, but at least he is polite.

 

i was trying to be nice, and keep it general, but i was mostly talking about you

 

why are you misinterpreting discussion as being impolite?

Edited June 11 by Gulf-Delta

[Gebidozo]

There is so much wrong in that long post of yours. I’ll say my piece of mind even though I know you won’t listen. Maybe it will be helpful to someone else who reads this thread, who knows.

Here goes:

1 hour ago, Gulf-Delta said:

i saw a 10/10 supermodel-level girl at a bar i go to. she was hypnotizing. my self improvements and self work was paying off at this point and for the first time ever, i felt confident, and i decided to approach this girl. i didnt expect anything to happen with the girl at the bar, i just wanted to test out this new mind and confidence i had.

Once again, you display primitive mentality. Confidence is not about being able to approach a supermodel. Confidence is about being fine with never approaching supermodels and not needing their attention for your self-validation. 

 

2 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said:

when i met her, i was pretty instantly attracted (an initial little spark that only grew with each week and conversation), and my mind clicked and said "you like this girl, youve done major work on yourself, you are the best YOU youve ever been. go after this, this can work."

Your mind clicked wrong and said a silly thing to you. You should never think about such things working or not working, you should go with the flow and enjoy the process itself, whether it ends in acceptance or rejection. Your expectations were too high, you went into this whole endeavor with a desperate “all or nothing” mindset. Predictably, this stressed out and alienated the girl. Predictably, the rejection hurt you way beyond the norm.

 

2 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said:

being rejected hurts not just because of the girl, but because it means all this work ive done in therapy, with my family, with myself esteem...it hasnt been enough. and self-improvement is not a game, theres no prize, im not saying that.

You are saying exactly that. You regard wife as kids as a reward for your self-improvement. For you, a woman is like a candy you get to eat if you behave well. You’ll never be truly happy if you continue to view life in such a materialistic vein.

Have you read any early Greek Church Fathers? I think it was St. Gregory of Nazianzus who wrote about the three levels of serving God: as a slave, as a mercenary, and as a son. On the lowest level, the slave does good things out of fear; he’s afraid that God will punish him if he sins. On the middle level, the mercenary does good things because he wants a reward: to go to heaven for being nice here on Earth. On the high level, the son does good things out of love for God and other people.

You’re stuck on that middle, mercenary level in your love life. 
 

2 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said:

i was strong enough to grab life by the horns and get what ive always dreamed of.

You see. Grab. Get. Wrong words in the context, and definitely not words that have anything to do with strength. Life isn’t something you grab, and women aren’t something you get, my friend.

 

2 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said:

i felt like this might be the payoff for my hard work.

Do I even need to comment on that? This is your mentality, in a nutshell.

[Gebidozo]

29 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said:

what do you want me to say "oh my god, youre right, i am a prideful loser, thanks for showing me the error of my ways, pain is all better now, internet stranger!"

Of course not, I know you’ll never say that, because you’re a prideful loser😊

30 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said:

did you come in here to give advice with the expectation of recieving some kind of praise?

No, I came in here to give advice with the expectation of helping a fellow human being in distress. It’s you who came here with the expectation of receiving praise. And when I tried to help you instead of praising you, you got mad at me. 

I know you don’t understand anything I’m saying to you, but that’s ok. I’m not trying to help you anymore. I just think that this might be helpful to someone else. You’re providing a textbook confirmation of the danger of pride, arrogance, materialistic outlook and entitled mindset.

[Gulf-Delta]

52 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

There is so much wrong in that long post of yours. I’ll say my piece of mind even though I know you won’t listen. Maybe it will be helpful to someone else who reads this thread, who knows.

Here goes:

Once again, you display primitive mentality. Confidence is not about being able to approach a supermodel. Confidence is about being fine with never approaching supermodels and not needing their attention for your self-validation. 

 

Your mind clicked wrong and said a silly thing to you. You should never think about such things working or not working, you should go with the flow and enjoy the process itself, whether it ends in acceptance or rejection. Your expectations were too high, you went into this whole endeavor with a desperate “all or nothing” mindset. Predictably, this stressed out and alienated the girl. Predictably, the rejection hurt you way beyond the norm.

 

You are saying exactly that. You regard wife as kids as a reward for your self-improvement. For you, a woman is like a candy you get to eat if you behave well. You’ll never be truly happy if you continue to view life in such a materialistic vein.

Have you read any early Greek Church Fathers? I think it was St. Gregory of Nazianzus who wrote about the three levels of serving God: as a slave, as a mercenary, and as a son. On the lowest level, the slave does good things out of fear; he’s afraid that God will punish him if he sins. On the middle level, the mercenary does good things because he wants a reward: to go to heaven for being nice here on Earth. On the high level, the son does good things out of love for God and other people.

You’re stuck on that middle, mercenary level in your love life. 
 

You see. Grab. Get. Wrong words in the context, and definitely not words that have anything to do with strength. Life isn’t something you grab, and women aren’t something you get, my friend.

 

Do I even need to comment on that? This is your mentality, in a nutshell.

what you are saying here is DIRECT contradiction to what you have said previously. you just want to pick a fight

 

there is nothing WRONG in my post. these are my feelings. you can apply an interpretation to them, or you can do some kind of weird validation thing where you try to say people "should" feel certain ways about things, but thats weird behavior, dude. all i said, was how i was feeling, and a bit of why i was feelng that thrown in. you then come in and say "eh, these feelings are wrong". feelings cant be wrong. feelings are irrational, illogical and in most cases, operate like reflexes.

 

my expectations were not high. if you actually absorbed what yove read thus far, instead of looking reading with the intent of trying to attack someone, you would see that. again, youre assumptions. i went into this with an "all or nothing" mindset? says who? because she either liked me, or didnt? even if this was the case, youre again ASSUMING that i said something to her to indicate this, or that she can read my thoughts or something. did i post anywhere that i said something to her that indicated any kind of "all or nothing" mindset? no. i didnt. so where are you getting that? youre doing this to me based of message posts, but youre also doing it with the girl in question who you have no contact or interfacing with whatsoever.

Quote

For you, a woman is like a candy you get to eat if you behave well. You’ll never be truly happy if you continue to view life in such a materialistic vein.

nope. again, you are reading but not absorbing anything. i specifcially said the opposite, and instead of seeing that and putting in your brain, you come up with this thing of being materialistic and that i view women as some kind of object to be won. even though i said the EXACT OPPOSITE.

 

i didnt do anything with the intent of any kind of reward, other than being happy. i guess the simplest i can put it is, i was unhappy for a long and decided to try to change it. and somehow, to you, this is a bad thing, and wanting to be happy, and pursuing happiness is "pride" or some kind of "mercinary" (in the christian context) behavior.

 

im sorry man, but its pretty normal and even healthy to have goals and to take steps to pursue them. youre the first person ive ever encountered ANYWHERE to say that going after goals and things that make you happy are somehow bad or materialistic.

 

Quote

Life isn’t something you grab,

 

it is. maybe its not something YOU grab. i didnt for a long time either. and i realized it was the root of a lot of unhealthy things for me. the craziness here is that you evidently think life is some passive thing that just happens and you evidently think goal setting and purusing them is a bad thing...and youre trying to give advice. successful and happy people go after things. they grab life instead of being passive about it. they make effort to do things, and when things are not great, they make an effort to fix that. ymmv i guess.

 

you do "get" women. thats why people say "i have a girlfriend or boyfriend". you are attracted to them, or they you. people have spouses, etc, by pursuing them. they pursue them because they want to have them in their lives in someway.

 

youre further contradicting yourself. i have a "bad" attitude so i drive women away...i try to fix the "bad" attitude and pursue happiness and self improvement, and suddenly im materialistic and entitled. buddy, "happy" is not a "material"

52 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

This is your mentality, in a nutshell.

its a healthy mindset to have. in fact, cause and effect, risk vs reward, work and reward, all of these things are integral to how the human mind works. your posts are all about being entitled, that no one should work for anything. working for things makes you prideful, being aware of where youre at make you self-pitying. trying to be happy means youre expecting rewards or prizes.

maybe women just flock to you without trying. maybe you hit lotteries, maybe when youre hungry or thirsty, stuff just magically appears in your refrigerator. for the rest of us, we have to work for things. if we fall in a hole, you have to work to climb out of it. with your mindset, i'd have never accomplished or done anything. i'd be living with my parents with no job or something.

this idea that having a goal or working toward improving yourself is entitlement is crazy, dude. i guess i shouldve just stayed depressed and bummed out and lonely and just let that fester until i die, after all, trying to get out of that is entitled and materialistic, isnt it?

your obstinate in your projections on my life and you view any kind of rebuttal and correction as some sort of weird pride thing. agin, your assumptions and your inability to alter them make you come of like a dick

youre ASSUMING, i was talking to a hot girl at a bar for validation. i never brought this up, ANYWHERE. in fact, i specifically said the opposite in my post. this is an assumption on your part. you read, but you dont see. you see some words or a sentence you can attack that doesnt line up with this image you have of life or people, and you want to attack it, name-call, assume, whatever. this goes all the way back to your first post were i said i was interested in a girl, and you were trying to make it seem like i  was in love with her or something, and when i tried to explain the distinction, you got all weird.

 

you have a twisted outlook on life, from top to bottom and it reads like someone who's never actually went for anything or tried for anything.

Edited June 11 by Gulf-Delta

[Gulf-Delta]

35 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Of course not, I know you’ll never say that, because you’re a prideful loser😊

No, I came in here to give advice with the expectation of helping a fellow human being in distress. It’s you who came here with the expectation of receiving praise. And when I tried to help you instead of praising you, you got mad at me. 

I know you don’t understand anything I’m saying to you, but that’s ok. I’m not trying to help you anymore. I just think that this might be helpful to someone else. You’re providing a textbook confirmation of the danger of pride, arrogance, materialistic outlook and entitled mindset.

case in point. nothing ive said was prideful or arrogant or marerialistic or entitled. you are using these words incorrectly, or you are reading something into what ive posted. im honestly leaning toward the former.

[Gebidozo]

OP, you need therapy.

Please try to stay away from women while you’re healing. If this is how you lash out at strangers who give you free advice, who knows what you could do to a girlfriend who dares to criticize you. 

I’m sorry I couldn’t help you.

[Gulf-Delta]

18 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

OP, you need therapy.

Please try to stay away from women while you’re healing. If this is how you lash out at strangers who give you free advice, who knows what you could do to a girlfriend who dares to criticize you. 

I’m sorry I couldn’t help you.

i like criticism. you arent criticizing. youre making s*** up and getting pissed off when i correct it. you werent interested in helping. you were interested in some ego trip thing for yourself.

you think im "lashing out at strangers" because im correcting something you misinterpret or were wrong about? and then wanna start with petty attacks on top of it. dude, i worry about YOU around women, you would call a girl materialistic or prideful if she corrected you on the color of her dress apparantly. or god forbid she tell you something like "this needs salt instead of pepper" or something,, you would call this lashing out.

helping involves a dialogue or 2 way street. you would ay something that made no sense, and i would question or rebutt it, and you would get upset and start name calling. that isnt the attitude of someone willing to have a discussion or help. someone wanting to have a discussion would do what i did. elaborate and clarify things i said or explain the reasoning behind them.

see, a girlfriend would know me, she probably wouldnt just misuse words or incorrectly assess things about me that werent true.

you COULD have helped, you just didnt want to

 

im in therapy. you know why i correct and criticise some of your posts? because you say s*** that is in direct opposition to what they say. maybe you need therapy. or maybe you went to a bad one who told you goals were "materialistic" or "entitled", or that happiness and love were objects? idk what your deal is but you probably need therpay, or possibly to find one different than youre seeing now

Edited June 11 by Gulf-Delta

[basil67]

7 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said:

i felt confident, and i decided to approach this girl. i didnt expect anything to happen with the girl at the bar, i just wanted to test out this new mind and confidence i had. i was literally in shock and so proud of myself for getting that balls to just go up and flirt with a girl who was by all measures and standards "out of my league". she was very kind and sweet, but had a boyfriend. ok, fine. i counted it as a win. there was no investment, i didnt expect anything, she had a much different life style to me, i just wanted to take myself for a test drive. i was able to flirt with a hot woman who, in 2023 i would have thought was too intimiating to even look at or stand next to.

THIS is the approach you need when asking women out.   This is the approach which won't leave you shattered when it doesn't work out

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when i met her, i was pretty instantly attracted (an initial little spark that only grew with each week and conversation), and my mind clicked and said "you like this girl, youve done major work on yourself, you are the best YOU youve ever been. go after this, this can work." i felt so good about myself, i got up the courage to ask out a girl i like instead of being afraid, admiring from afar. in 2023 and before, i wouldve just admired her, and never done anything about it. but i didnt do that. I actually looked my prior fears and insecurities in the face, and blew right passed them.

this rejection has raised a million questions for me. because i was feeling so strong, and big and "right" that i just really felt like this was gonna happen this time. being rejected like this makes me question, how far have i really come. not only was i lucky enough to stumble upon a girl who had qualities i liked, and qualities ive been seeking in a partner, but i had the balls and self confidence and felt secure enough to ask her on a date.

 

This part is why we're saying that you're being arrogant and lacking in humility.  It's because you were displaying supreme confidence in things you cannot control.  And it's what's lead you to crash and burn.

Your theory on the results of self improvement is fabulous if you're the only person in an equation.  Like training for a marathon.  Or learning a new hobby.  Or getting a new qualification.  Or saving for a prized car.   But when there's another person involved, who you have become is only 50% of the equation.   You have no control over the other 50% and only a fool or someone supremely arrogant would be very confident over something where they have no control over the outcome.  

It's great that you've made good improvements, but it's time to temper the entitlement and arrogance with humility.  And by humility, I'm referring to recognising that the people we date have choice. Humility about recognising that there is a relatively low chance we will be perfect for them.  Humility is about recognising that they may not feel the vibe with us.  Humility is about recognising that they don't owe us more dates than they want to give.  Humility about recognising that most people have lots of false starts and unreciprocated interest and that no amount of self improvements entitle us to a different outcome to others.   And when it does work out, humility is about saying "I'm so lucky to have found her" rather than thinking you actually made it happen yourself.

Have you considered reading the threads from other people here?   Perhaps if you took the time to see just how many people strike out after first date...after six months...after three years....you might gain some much needed insight into what dating is actually like.  Read about the joys, the frustration, the heartbreak.  Immerse yourself in the lives of others.

 

Edited June 11 by basil67

[Gulf-Delta]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

THIS is the approach you need when asking women out.   This is the approach which won't leave you shattered when it doesn't work out

well, it started out like that. i wasnt expecting her to say yes to a date, give me her number or anything. i liked her, sure, but initially, i wasnt anticipating anything, i figured she would say "i dont date" or "i have a boyfriend" or something. it would sting, but i'd walk away with the victory that i actually asked a girl on a date. but it went well. and each interaction i had with her from that point was better and better. and as it got better, i got more optimistic. "holy crap, this is really happening. not only did i ask, she gve me her number, we're texting, we're going on a date"

i had the "im not invested approach"...until things started actually happening. it wasnt like the past where i liked girls and nothing came of it. something was coming of it because I asked. i took the initiative and something worked positively.

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This part is why we're saying that you're being arrogant and lacking in humility.  It's because you were displaying supreme confidence in things you cannot control.  And it's what's lead you to crash and burn.

so what's the alternative. have a defeatist attitude? on one hand people in this very thread are saying my "negative attitude" is a problem...now my optimistic and confident attitude is the problem?

 

13 minutes ago, basil67 said:

But when there's another person involved, who you have become is only 50% of the equation. 

i get that. i wasnt saying i was 100% in control and success was guaranteed. what i meant was success was only possible if i did something. me happening wasnt a postiive result, but a positive result is contingent on me doing something and taking initiative and believing in myself that i was "good enough" to get a date. my confidence was not "i have this in the bag" it was "self, you are handsome enough, you have a good personality, you are good enough". for a long time, i didnt think i was good enough to date anyone. girls like this guy, that guy, this attribute, this type, they like muscles, nice smiles, this kind of hair, whatever...i didnt feel like i possessed these things. my confidence wasnt about "im gonna succeed" it was "i am good enough, i CAN succeed"

 

20 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It's about recognising that there is a relatively low chance we will be perfect for them.

sure, but the thing is...im not perfect. no one is. but i KNOW that i can be a good partner to someone.  im not a perfect person, theres room for improvement, sure. i have a bit of an eccentric streak, my sense of humor might be odd, i talk a little too much, i think big about things, im a little weird looking...but it FEELS (emphasize, FEELS, not is objectively) unfair that these small surface things deprive me of a REAL chance to show someone. i dont wanna go on and on like im some awesome superhero, but i have tons of love and caring to give. i know what my HEART is capable of. and i get frustrated as hell that no one seems willing to stick it out and discover who i am on the inside. i have traits women constantly say the look for. "i want a guy whos responsible, loving, good with kids, doesnt cheat, is fun and a good sense of humor, etc etc", i feel like i have these qualities, and i end up missing out on opportuinties because of some superficial thing i might have said or did. im more than just what i look like on the outside, i get pissed that no woman seems to be interested in even finding out. i get frustrated at dating because people want to bail at the first sign of something not being perfect. i get it, me being a good guy doesnt mean im owed anything, but its aggravating to be discarded by people before they even get to really know you. its frustrating for this girl to say "i just dont feel a connection" and its like, "you dont even know me, we spoke for an hour"

 

[NuevoYorko]

16 hours ago, SurfCity said:

Your brain isn't broken; but you do need to adjust your self-talk and develop a positive outlook. It seems like you're not really reflecting on the advice in this thread and just want to argue. Re-read the thread and really focus on the advice that you've gotten. Arguing just to argue isn't going to help anything. 

Yes.  Basically you are having a big tantrum because you didn't get what you WANT and you believe you DESERVE.   You are far away from just reacting to the sting of rejection and sincere disappointment.  Pride and entitlement are playing a big role here.   

I am pretty sure that these things are apparent to people you encounter in your day to day life, including women you want to date.   They would not be considered  positive traits by the majority of people. 

[basil67]

35 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said:

well, it started out like that. i wasnt expecting her to say yes to a date, give me her number or anything. i liked her, sure, but initially, i wasnt anticipating anything, i figured she would say "i dont date" or "i have a boyfriend" or something. it would sting, but i'd walk away with the victory that i actually asked a girl on a date. but it went well. and each interaction i had with her from that point was better and better. and as it got better, i got more optimistic. "holy crap, this is really happening. not only did i ask, she gve me her number, we're texting, we're going on a date"    

i had the "im not invested approach"...until things started actually happening. it wasnt like the past where i liked girls and nothing came of it. something was coming of it because I asked. i took the initiative and something worked positively.

Going on a date....a first date.... means nothing. 

I remember discussing this with my daughter.  The first date crash was so common the she didn't expect anything from it.  If it got to the second date, that's when she'd be getting a bit nervous because there was at least some kind of connection to work with.   The feelings of "holy crap, this is really happening didn't come until there had been multiple great dates"  You got waaay ahead of yourself. 

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so what's the alternative. have a defeatist attitude? on one hand people in this very thread are saying my "negative attitude" is a problem...now my optimistic and confident attitude is the problem?

Why so binary?  Defeatist will get you nowhere and being confident too early is foolish.   I would say that "cautiously optimistic" would be a better place to be

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i get that. i wasnt saying i was 100% in control and success was guaranteed. what i meant was success was only possible if i did something. me happening wasnt a postiive result, but a positive result is contingent on me doing something and taking initiative and believing in myself that i was "good enough" to get a date. my confidence was not "i have this in the bag" it was "self, you are handsome enough, you have a good personality, you are good enough". for a long time, i didnt think i was good enough to date anyone. girls like this guy, that guy, this attribute, this type, they like muscles, nice smiles, this kind of hair, whatever...i didnt feel like i possessed these things. my confidence wasnt about "im gonna succeed" it was "i am good enough, i CAN succeed"

The bolded doesn't reflect reality.   It should be "I am good enough, i CAN succeed if I find the right woman who loves me back"

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im a little weird looking........ i get frustrated as hell that no one seems willing to stick it out and discover who i am on the inside. ......its aggravating to be discarded by people before they even get to really know you. its frustrating for this girl to say "i just dont feel a connection" and its like, "you dont even know me, we spoke for an hour"

You've made more than one mention of all the beautiful women single women at your church group.  Are you willing to date the one who's a bit weird looking?

If you will date the weird looking girl and the conversation is stilted and you've got nothing in common, how many more dates are you going to give her?  

 

Edited June 11 by basil67

[Gulf-Delta]

15 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Yes.  Basically you are having a big tantrum because you didn't get what you WANT and you believe you DESERVE.   You are far away from just reacting to the sting of rejection and sincere disappointment.  Pride and entitlement are playing a big role here.   

I am pretty sure that these things are apparent to people you encounter in your day to day life, including women you want to date.   They would not be considered  positive traits by the majority of people. 

read other posts of mine in this thread. also, im not sure why everyone in this thread things people are psychics or something

[Gulf-Delta]

30 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Going on a date....a first date.... means nothing. 

it does if youve never had one before

30 minutes ago, basil67 said:

   It should be "I am good enough, i CAN succeed if I find the right woman who loves me back"

this is the opposite of what professional therapists say. the FIRST time i saw my therapist, he told me to try to let go of the idea that my "self" is reliant other's perception of me. my goodness being conditional on what others think is a root of a lot of my problems. months ago i would spiral because i felt defective because no woman wants me. i had a horrid couple of nights about this once, it was the first tihng i brought up in therapy and was told "your value is not dependent on what others think of you."

i felt exactly like you feel. how can i feel like a good man if no one else is confirming that...and i was told that if you dont feel good wnough as a person, you need to fake it till you make it, kind of thing.

30 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You've made more than one mention of all the beautiful women single women at your church group.  Are you willing to date the one who's a bit weird looking?

well, i guess you'll make me say it, the girl i went on the date with was the "bit weird looking" one. that was the one i was crushing on. i feel bad saying it because she was beautiful to me, but she wasnt like a "traditionally pretty" type. she was very cute and plain. her mannerisms and other things are what really drew me to her and made me motivated enough to want to explore something with here in fact, i felt even more awful for the rejection because right before that, i saw her during worship at church and was freaking melting at how beautful she looked...and then i go up to talk to her and get roasted. thats the terrible part of being attracted...you can tcontrol how much or even what youll be attracted to. it just hits you.

 

i have talked to some of the other more "attractive" or "hot" girls at church, but for various reasons, depending on the girl, i wasnt interested in dating them. but if they asked me, i would give it them 2 dates, minimum, to give something the opportuinity to grow.

the conversation wasnt stilted and we had lots in common, it was actually kind of uncanny how similar we were on things like our upbringings, past dating life, family, relationship goals, etc. thats part of why i got peeved about it. everything felt right. it wasnt really awkward, we had a lot in common, we were joking and flirting. how is that NOT a connection. when women say "no connection" what the hell are they looking for on the first date better than that? im not saying she had to fall in love with me right then and there, but the conversation was good, we were laughing, listening, open with each other, etc. if thats not a "connection", then what is? if you didnt feel connected, why was there so much comfort, why are you laughing at my jokes, why are you telling me you like this or that about me, etc?

 

Edited June 11 by Gulf-Delta