basil67 Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 (edited) 32 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said: right, but what i mean is...someone cannot click because of...idk, they said something weird. or wore something wrong. or anything. in my opinion, i think i would feel almost obligated to overlook something small like that. first dates are nerve wracking, people can stutter, say something dumb, be awkward. FOR ME, i wouldnt be like "oh, i didnt like that, we dont click" after 1 date. You misunderstand. I'm not talking about small stuff and I'm the Queen of saying weird s***. Or having things come out the wrong way, so I wouldn't judge them on that. I'm talking about something which (to me) is a major red flags: If he drove aggressively or dangerously. If I wasn't feeling ready to kiss and he pressured me. If he was rude to waitstaff. If he said things which were racist, ablest, homophobic or misogynist. Lack of connection leading to long, awkward gaps in the conversation. Can't hold up their end of the conversation. Dirty fingernails or no deodorant. If they were telling me how great or how terrible their ex was. If they complain about lots of things. If our intelligence levels were vastly different (in either direction!) All of these would not end up in a second date. Edited June 10 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 10 Author Share Posted June 10 3 minutes ago, basil67 said: You misunderstand. I'm not talking about small stuff and I'm the Queen of saying weird s***. Or having things come out the wrong way, so I wouldn't judge them on that. I'm talking about something which (to me) is a major red flags: If he drove aggressively or dangerously. If I wasn't feeling ready to kiss and he pressured me. If he was rude to waitstaff. If he said things which were racist, ablest, homophobic or misogynist. Lack of connection leading to long, awkward gaps in the conversation. Can't hold up their end of the conversation. Dirty fingernails or no deodorant. If they were telling me how great or how terrible their ex was. If they complain about lots of things. If our intelligence levels were vastly different (in either direction!) All of these would not end up in a second date. i mean, some of these are red flags, but some of these can be overlooked. for example, its possible someone cant hold up the convseration out of nerves. anyway, this loose list of yours makes it worse, because none of these happened, so its just confusing about what i did wrong. i want to know so i avoid that. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 (edited) 15 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said: i mean, some of these are red flags, but some of these can be overlooked. for example, its possible someone cant hold up the convseration out of nerves. anyway, this loose list of yours makes it worse, because none of these happened, so its just confusing about what i did wrong. i want to know so i avoid that. Apologies to the shy guys, but the last time I had to deal with a guy having nerves which left him silent, I was in middle school (year 7). If I'm doing my best to be warm, engaging, interested in them and asking questions, them not being able to hold up their end of the conversation is a deal breaker. To be clear, I expect a man to be able to ask questions of me in return, and 'ask follow up' questions to keep the conversation going. (Eg of a follow up: I say that I love going to the beach, and he could ask if I have a favourite beach and we talk about it. Then I may find that he also loves the beach and we talk more...or we segue to something else. Perhaps he skis! And I ask him a question and give follow up questions. Pretty basic stuff) And you don't need to have done anything wrong for someone to not be interested. I'm married, but if I was to pretend that was single and all of the men I know are single, there is only one which I'd potentially date. There's absolutely nothing wrong with the other guys, and my friends (their wives) all love them dearly. But the fact that I wouldn't be interested doesn't mean there is a problem with them. The fact that they are happily married is proof of that. Like I said earlier, it's the X factor. It's that something that words cannot describe, but makes the two of you click Edited June 10 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 10 Author Share Posted June 10 13 minutes ago, basil67 said: Apologies to the shy guys, but the last time I had to deal with a guy having nerves which left him silent, I was in middle school (year 7). If I'm doing my best to be warm, engaging, interested in them and asking questions, them not being able to hold up their end of the conversation is a deal breaker. To be clear, I expect a man to be able to ask questions of me in return, and 'ask follow up' questions to keep the conversation going. (Eg of a follow up: I say that I love going to the beach, and he could ask if I have a favourite beach and we talk about it. Then I may find that he also loves the beach and we talk more...or we segue to something else. Perhaps he skis! And I ask him a question and give follow up questions. Pretty basic stuff) And you don't need to have done anything wrong for someone to not be interested. I'm married, but if I was to pretend that was single and all of the men I know are single, there is only one which I'd potentially date. There's absolutely nothing wrong with the other guys, and my friends (their wives) all love them dearly. But the fact that I wouldn't be interested doesn't mean there is a problem with them. The fact that they are happily married is proof of that. Like I said earlier, it's the X factor. It's that something that words cannot describe, but makes the two of you click and you thin that x factor can only be instant? if its not love at first sight, theres just not even worth trying? weird to me Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 2 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said: and you thin that x factor can only be instant? if its not love at first sight, theres just not even worth trying? weird to me I do not believe in love at first sight. I do however believe in finding easy connection. When I met my husband, it took about 3 or 4 hours for the X factor to kick in. In his case, it was his warm and engaging personality. I can't say that I loved him till a couple of months in 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 5 minutes ago, basil67 said: I do not believe in love at first sight. I do however believe in finding easy connection. When I met my husband, it took about 3 or 4 hours for the X factor to kick in. In his case, it was his warm and engaging personality. I can't say that I loved him till a couple of months in And as it so happens, the reason we connected on the day we met was because the weather was terrible and a lot of his mates stayed home. Had they come, my husband would have gotten drunk with them and things would never have gotten off the ground. Chance is a very big part of the equation Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 5 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said: this is just who i am, theres not much i can do about. you cant stop being a sore loser or into self-pity if thats what your life has always been Bullshit. It’s all about how you view the world and yourself. I used to have a lot of self-pity too, and I gradually got rid of that poison. 5 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said: well, if thats the attitude that turns people off, then im a turn off. i cant change how i am or how i feel. i swear to god, i would give anything to know how. if you know, please, share the f***ing secret for the love of god because god knows i dont want it anymore There is absolutely no secret, you just keep telling yourself every day that you are blessed to be alive, blessed to be a free, blessed to be sufficiently healthy as to be able to enjoy plenty of things in life. Keep reminding yourself that you don’t necessarily have to be in a relationship in order to be a fully fledged human being. Keep believing that one day you’ll meet a person who loves you and whom you love. Keep having faith, hope, and love. 5 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said: why am I always the one who has to "suck it up". no one else in my life does. they can drop me at any time, and go on without any consequence at all and live great lives without me in it, meanwhile i am always the one who has to suck it up, im the one who has to process and deal with it, im the one who gets told "hey man, thats just how they feel, thats their prerogative". when is it my turn? im not saying im owed a turn, but to sit here on a computer and tell me my feelings about this are invalid and i shouldnt be mad about this is infuriating The only person you should be infuriated with is yourself. Just read again that paragraph of yours above and honestly admit that it’s something only an immature, self-entitled, ungrateful person would think. There are people who live in perpetual poverty, people with horrible diseases, people who have lost loved ones under tragic circumstances, people with all sorts of problems that make your troubles seem petty and ridiculous in comparison. You’ve gotta grow up, man. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 6 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said: why am I always the one who has to "suck it up". no one else in my life does. they can drop me at any time, and go on without any consequence at all and live great lives without me in it, meanwhile i am always the one who has to suck it up, im the one who has to process and deal with it, im the one who gets told "hey man, thats just how they feel, thats their prerogative". when is it my turn? im not saying im owed a turn, but to sit here on a computer and tell me my feelings about this are invalid and i shouldnt be mad about this is infuriating I missed this. You're describing what is literally the life of everyone who's ever dated. You think that all of us got exactly the person we wanted just because we wanted them? Hell no. I've sucked it up. Have you even read my posts to you about being 'that girl'? Your approach is really messed up. I sincerely hope that you take all of these posts to therapy with you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 13 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said: but i dont want to just attract women. i dont want a harem. its not about tits and ass for me. im looking for someone with a good heart and a good soul too All I'm suggesting is something that might make getting that (one, happy) relationship easier. No one's saying (were you to become "highly attractive") that you must act on interest every time something comes along. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 How are your relationships with other people? Do you have good friends, things you enjoy doing in your spare time, work that is fulfilling and engaging for you? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 12 hours ago, Gebidozo said: Oh, I’ve never lacked such opportunities, neither quantity nor, more importantly, quality wise. That’s precisely why I don’t want to be classically handsome, I want women to come to me because they are attracted to what makes me special, not because they spot a pretty face and some abs. Similarly, I’ve never wanted to be very rich because then I’d have doubts whether women like me for my money. That's great - you do you. You clearly have a "vibe" or social skills or whatever it is that works well. Maybe an air of intelligence and self confidence and good verbal skills? At any rate, I think some of our male posters DON'T have that though, and so can benefit more from any extra edge they might get. Also just to add for clarity so I'm not misunderstood (and for @basil67 as well) I don't think looks are "the most important thing" - I'm not sure there is a single most important thing for women, but if I were try to make sweeping generalizations, I'd suggest it's probably personality. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 13 hours ago, basil67 said: Haha, and some (including me) are also thinking "alpha male wanker". I've heard more than one woman use the phrase as an insult. Yep - I think for some guys being super-attractive can go to their heads and they wind up arrogant and taking the women who chase them for granted. Certainly can happen IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 10 Author Share Posted June 10 3 hours ago, mark clemson said: All I'm suggesting is something that might make getting that (one, happy) relationship easier. No one's saying (were you to become "highly attractive") that you must act on interest every time something comes along. I don't. Like I said this church is flooded with beautiful women. But something about her stuck out, so I pursued it Link to post Share on other sites
SurfCity Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 21 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said: this is why ive never aksed a woman out before. theres too much bullshit. its all games and s***. You've asked out one woman, your entire life, at age 34 and you complain about being single. That makes sense to you? Do you know any men your age that are married? If so, ask them how many women they've asked out in their life, not a single married man will say one. Maybe you're having a pity party and will snap out of it in a few days, but you admit that you have "addictions," that you just started working out, and that you view grooming yourself and dressing appropriately to be a significant effort. Are your addictions porn, video games, fast food, and too much screen time? If so, you need to accept that in this world, even if you do everything "right," you could still end up single. That's why many people who have found "the one" describe themselves as lucky. And why many people who are low-key dissatisfied with their marriage are terrified to get divorced and try to find a better match. They know that there are no guarantees in this life even when we do everything "right." Be grateful for the things that you do have and keep a positive attitude about the rest. Easy to say, harder to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 11 Author Share Posted June 11 18 minutes ago, SurfCity said: You've asked out one woman, your entire life, at age 34 and you complain about being single. That makes sense to you? Do you know any men your age that are married? If so, ask them how many women they've asked out in their life, not a single married man will say one. Maybe you're having a pity party and will snap out of it in a few days, but you admit that you have "addictions," that you just started working out, and that you view grooming yourself and dressing appropriately to be a significant effort. Are your addictions porn, video games, fast food, and too much screen time? If so, you need to accept that in this world, even if you do everything "right," you could still end up single. That's why many people who have found "the one" describe themselves as lucky. And why many people who are low-key dissatisfied with their marriage are terrified to get divorced and try to find a better match. They know that there are no guarantees in this life even when we do everything "right." Be grateful for the things that you do have and keep a positive attitude about the rest. Easy to say, harder to do. your first point is incorrect. everyone i know married high school or college sweethearts. OR had women just falling on them for just existing. im the only guy i know who has ever had to actually "work" to get a date. even when i was like, 20, a girl chased me. it was for terrible reasons and ended horribly, but even then, i didnt have to work for it. but all that is kind of beside the point. these things werent a significant effort, these are things i neglected doing because i didnt care. and i personally began to feel like not caring was what was keeping my life from being what i wanted it to be. it doesnt matter what my addictions are. could be pills, cocaine, weed, heroin. doesnt matter. the thing about the positive attitude...thats what got me into this mess to begin with. not to say positivity is bad, but it can be dangerous. i dont believe in luck. its not a "pity party", my brain and heart are broken, its related to heaps of childhood trauma and its something ive been working on since the start of 2024.. ive never been good at processing loss or pain. ever. so when something like this happens to me, i have to just go through what i feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 11 Author Share Posted June 11 9 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: How are your relationships with other people? Do you have good friends, things you enjoy doing in your spare time, work that is fulfilling and engaging for you? my relationships are fine. i have all of those things, but im not sure what that has to do with me getting turned down by a girl i liked Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 11 Author Share Posted June 11 15 hours ago, basil67 said: I missed this. You're describing what is literally the life of everyone who's ever dated. You think that all of us got exactly the person we wanted just because we wanted them? Hell no. I've sucked it up. Have you even read my posts to you about being 'that girl'? Your approach is really messed up. I sincerely hope that you take all of these posts to therapy with you yes. you got the person you wanted. a lot of people did. theyre married, or in relationships. thats why theyre in them, because they want that person. youre married, you wanted your husband right? my approach is fine.having feelings and wants, and being hurt by being alone or by rejection are not "messed up" Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 11 Share Posted June 11 6 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said: yes. you got the person you wanted. a lot of people did. theyre married, or in relationships. thats why theyre in them, because they want that person. youre married, you wanted your husband right? my approach is fine.having feelings and wants, and being hurt by being alone or by rejection are not "messed up" Yes, I got the person I wanted. I've also been married and divorced previously and had other relationships fail. And I've approached men and been rejected. I would not have this if I hadn't been willing to put myself on the line. In your situation, having feelings and wants are normal. Being disappointed about being rejected is normal. But it's not normal to ask someone out on a date, get rejected and then be suffering such high degree of pain to the point where you're saying you'll never do it again. The level of pain you're experiencing is akin to being blindsided by having a significant relationship end. This is why I'm suggesting you talk with your therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 11 Author Share Posted June 11 (edited) 2 minutes ago, basil67 said: The level of pain you're experiencing is akin to being blindsided by having a significant relationship end. ive been there. this is nowhere near that. dont try to quantify or put labels on my feelings through a computer screen Edited June 11 by Gulf-Delta Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 11 Share Posted June 11 15 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said: everyone i know married high school or college sweethearts. OR had women just falling on them for just existing Then you must live in a magical world Yes, I know a couple of people who married high school sweethearts. But I don't know any man who has women falling for him for just existing. The men I know have had loves and losses. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 11 Share Posted June 11 Just now, Gulf-Delta said: ive been there. this is nowhere near that Dude, you're talking about giving up dating because one girl wasn't interested in dating you. Again, your level of despair is way above what would be normal for this type of situation Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 11 Author Share Posted June 11 Just now, basil67 said: Then you must live in a magical world Yes, I know a couple of people who married high school sweethearts. But I don't know any man who has women falling for him for just existing. The men I know have had loves and losses. well, world is a big place. lots of different situations and dynamics and people out there. not everything is gonna fit your preconcieved ideas of how things will or should work Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gulf-Delta Posted June 11 Author Share Posted June 11 (edited) 2 minutes ago, basil67 said: Dude, you're talking about giving up dating because one girl wasn't interested in dating you. Again, your level of despair is way above what would be normal for this type of situation nah, i think its pretty standard for someone in my shoes and life ive lived. i dont expect you to get it, you wake up next to someone you love every day. and youve even done that with multiple people and previous relationships. doing hamrful things to yourself over and over isnt healthy or smart or good in anyway. Edited June 11 by Gulf-Delta Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted June 11 Share Posted June 11 9 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said: everyone i know married high school or college sweethearts. Literally nobody I know married a high school sweetheart. Those few that married college sweethearts are long divorced. But that’s not even the point. There is a myriad of possibilities and combinations in those things. Why are you so bent on comparing yourself to others? You should love your own life and live it. 14 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said: OR had women just falling on them for just existing That is not true, there is no such man on this planet. Some men attract more women than other men. You appear to be quite envious of such men. Count that as yet another reason for your lack of success with women. Envy is a very unattractive trait. 19 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said: im the only guy i know who has ever had to actually "work" to get a date Bullshit. Everyone has to work on themselves in order to be successful. You prefer to wallow in self-pity instead of doing that, hence the result. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 11 Share Posted June 11 1 minute ago, Gulf-Delta said: well, world is a big place. lots of different situations and dynamics and people out there. not everything is gonna fit your preconcieved ideas of how things will or should work I do not believe for one moment that all the men you know can have their choice of any woman they want. This is ludicrous. Link to post Share on other sites
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