Mixed signals? delusion? stupid? lol

[Gebidozo]

OP, you need to get some therapy.

Your completely disproportional hysterical outburst over a trivial rejection, your stubborn disregard for each and every piece of advice given to you, your passive-aggressive attitude, your infantile style of verbal communication, your ridiculous and preposterous assumption that you suffer more than other people and that other people have easy love life, and above all your prideful and envious mindset are all symptoms of serious mental, emotional, and spiritual problems. 

I don’t think I can help you anymore. I’ve shared some insights I’ve been getting from other people and from my experiences during the course of my life, but you prefer to ignore them. It’s your choice, of course, but you won’t get better unless you acknowledge your need for help. Hopefully you’ll pay more attention to your therapist’s words.

Edited June 11, 2024 by Gebidozo

[Gulf-Delta]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I do not believe for one moment that all the men you know can have their choice of any woman they want.  This is ludicrous.  

well...ok lol

 

11 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Literally nobody I know married a high school sweetheart. Those few that married college sweethearts are long divorced. But that’s not even the point. There is a myriad of possibilities and combinations in those things. Why are you so bent on comparing yourself to others? You should love your own life and live it.

That is not true, there is no such man on this planet. Some men attract more women than other men. You appear to be quite envious of such men. Count that as yet another reason for your lack of success with women. Envy is a very unattractive trait.

 

Bullshit. Everyone has to work on themselves in order to be successful. You prefer to wallow in self-pity instead of doing that, hence the result.

cool, no one YOU know, married their high school sweetheart. i dont know the point of this anecdote. im not comparing myself to others. only in the sense of "theyre happy, id like to be happy". they get to have someone in their bed at night. i would like that.

 

sorry bud, it is true. i SAW it happen with a friend of mine. envy is not a trait people can sense. you guys with this weird thing that people are wizards who can just read minds

 

like i said, i dont know anyone who has to work on themselves to have...anything. they just fall into things or have women fall into their laps

 

this isnt self pity, bro. im f***ing tired and beat down.  this is exhausting s***, im over it. i dont like how my life is.

Edited June 11, 2024 by Gulf-Delta

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said:

sorry bud, it is true. i SAW it happen with a friend of mine.

It happened for a friend of yours.  One.  Only one

I will agree that some of us have one friend who it quickly works out for.   But there are also the many of our friends who've had dates and breakups and rejections and relationships and more breakups before getting married.  And then some get divorced and have to do it all over again

Edited June 11, 2024 by basil67

[Gulf-Delta]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It happened for a friend of yours.  One.  Only one

I will agree that some of us have one friend who it quickly works out for.   But there are also the many of our friends who've had dates and breakups and rejections and relationships and more breakups before getting married.  And then some get divorced and have to do it all over again

well hes my best/closest friend.. other "minor" friends have had similar successes or stories.

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said:

well hes my best/closest friend.. other "minor" friends have had similar successes or stories.

And you have no friends who've ever had a relationship end, or be rejected for a date?

[Gulf-Delta]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

And you have no friends who've ever had a relationship end, or be rejected for a date?

oh sure some of them have had stuff end. but they still had them and/or fell into new ones easily

 

ive never had that. i had one relationship, and it was a girl who saw me as an escape for the bad relationship she was in. i was basically used and then dumped when something better came.

 

thats my only relationship. do you get why i would ge tover zealous about this date now?

Edited June 11, 2024 by Gulf-Delta

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, Gulf-Delta said:

my relationships are fine. i have all of those things, but im not sure what that has to do with me getting turned down by a girl i liked

Because you've been talking like you are completely alone in your apartment, not speaking to anyone, with nothing at all going on in your life.   As if this girl (who you don't even really know)  liking you would give your life meaning.   That's a very bad way to go into a relationship.  She may have got a similar impression.  

[Gebidozo]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

And you have no friends who've ever had a relationship end, or be rejected for a date?

Of course he does, he just prefers to ignore everyone’s problems but his own (which, of course,  makes him feel even more miserable).

Frankly, it’s insulting to read OP’s ridiculous “everyone’s happy but me” diatribes. Let’s see what he says when his wife of 20 years takes both kids and moves to another country to live with another man, like it happened to a friend of mine recently. 

[Gebidozo]

3 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said:

oh sure some of them have had stuff end.

Oh really? And it never occurred to you that “stuff ending” could actually be significantly more painful than not getting a date with some church girl you barely know?

[Gulf-Delta]

3 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Because you've been talking like you are completely alone in your apartment, not speaking to anyone, with nothing at all going on in your life.   As if this girl (who you don't even really know)  liking you would give your life meaning.   That's a very bad way to go into a relationship.  She may have got a similar impression.  

well thats the impression i got from her too. we're both christians, we're both looking for marriage after long long long dry spells. we have the same relationship goals. i have plenty going on. the onyl thing missing is a family.

2 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Oh really? And it never occurred to you that “stuff ending” could actually be significantly more painful than not getting a date with some church girl you barely know?

its not a contest of who can hurt the most, dude. for me, this pain is tough, because ive never had a relationship. when it looks like i could maybe have one, finally, i got excited, i felt good about it.

6 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Of course he does, he just prefers to ignore everyone’s problems but his own (which, of course,  makes him feel even more miserable).

Frankly, it’s insulting to read OP’s ridiculous “everyone’s happy but me” diatribes. Let’s see what he says when his wife of 20 years takes both kids and moves to another country to live with another man, like it happened to a friend of mine recently. 

but your friend had a wife. and kids. its not a pain contest.

[Gebidozo]

10 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said:

its not a pain contest.

Exactly! But you’re turning it into one. You keep complaining that other people have an easy love life while you are the only one who doesn’t. When I tell you other people have love pains too, you turn the tables and say it’s not a pain contest.

 

 

[Gulf-Delta]

1 minute ago, Gebidozo said:

Exactly! But you’re turning it into one. You keep complaining that other people have an easy love life while you are the only one who doesn’t. When I tell you other people have love pains too, you turn the tables and say it’s not a pain contest.

i didnt say no one has pains. everoyne has pains. but their pains have moments of not-pain.

 

everyone has pains, you and others are telling me "get over it" like im not dealing with a literal lifetime of pain. being rejected by a woman after a first date is not a big deal on its own. when its compounded with THIRTY FOUR YEARS of pains, stumbles, punches. its not a contest, im not saying it's just me

 

but you are coming at me like "oh you got rejected by one girl after a date, grow up". its not JUST the date or this girl im bothered at. its that its ANOTHER sword in my back AGAIN. sure, maybe being rejected by a girl you like on a first date isnt a big deal, but it probably would be if you were rejected by your own mother and physically and mentally abused by a stepmother. ever had a maternal figure grab you by the hair and slam your head into a wall? maybe if you did, you would see why something like a potential love interest is a big deal for me.

 

its not a contest, its about perspective man, stop acting like this rejection has no right to be a big deal to me

[Gebidozo]

32 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said:

stop acting like this rejection has no right to be a big deal to me

What, for God’s sake, does this have to do with rights? It’s like you’re proud of your pain and do everything in your power to mentally increase it. That’s why I say that you need therapy.

I don’t doubt that you are in pain, if I thought you weren’t then you’d just be trolling me and I wouldn’t bother replying. But you don’t seem to want to get rid of that pain. You’re wallowing in it, complaining about it, are envious of people who don’t have it. All that makes your pain even worse.

I’ve tried advising you how to get rid of the pain, but you aren’t listening. Once again: change your mindset. Say a resounding “no” to pride, envy, and the self-pity that arises from them. Become self-sufficiently happy, regardless of whether you’re single or not. Stop seeing amorous rejections as “swords in your back”. See romantic failures as lessons and steps towards growth, not as tragedies. Don’t mix your childhood traumas into your love life, deal with them separately, hopefully with a good therapist.

[Gulf-Delta]

4 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

What, for God’s sake, does this have to do with rights? It’s like you’re proud of your pain and do everything in your power to mentally increase it. That’s why I say that you need therapy.

I don’t doubt that you are in pain, if I thought you weren’t then you’d just be trolling me and I wouldn’t bother replying. But you don’t seem to want to get rid of that pain. You’re wallowing in it, complaining about it, are envious of people who don’t have it. All that makes your pain even worse.

I’ve tried advising you how to get rid of the pain, but you aren’t listening. Once again: change your mindset. Say a resounding “no” to pride, envy, and the self-pity that arises from them. Become self-sufficiently happy, regardless of whether you’re single or not. Stop seeing amorous rejections as “swords in your back”. See romantic failures as lessons and steps towards growth, not as tragedies. Don’t mix your childhood traumas into your love life, deal with them separately, hopefully with a good therapist.

i do want to get rid of it. its not as easy and just being like "oh nevermind, this doesnt suck at all". its not that easy. venting about it here is helping me look at different facets of how its making me feel, cant you see that?

trust me dude, if i could just blink and not feel the pain, i would. they aare lessons but rejection DOES hurt, for me. thats how it is, pretending it doesnt wont help. pretending im not hurt by "romantic failures" is a road ive gone down before and it did a lot of damage

[basil67]

23 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said:

i do want to get rid of it. its not as easy and just being like "oh nevermind, this doesnt suck at all". its not that easy. venting about it here is helping me look at different facets of how its making me feel, cant you see that?

Nobody is telling you that it's not disappointing.  And no, it's not obvious that you're looking at different facets of how it's making you feel because you keep arguing with us.  At this point, it's not obvious you've found anything useful in all we've written - this is actually why I've been referring you back to your therapist

23 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said:

trust me dude, if i could just blink and not feel the pain, i would. they aare lessons but rejection DOES hurt, for me. thats how it is, pretending it doesnt wont help. pretending im not hurt by "romantic failures" is a road ive gone down before and it did a lot of damage

Remember how we talked about you being over - invested at the start?  And you said that this is the only way you can ask a girl out.  Thing is, it's this very strategy which is causing you so much pain in the end.  If you had jumped in quickly....before you really cared about the answer...you'd bounce back a heck of a lot easier.   

Further, did you ever listen to those of us who were saying that she wasn't showing strong signs of interest?  Because acknowledging that there isn't a great chance of success when we are going in is another way of managing the disappointment we have when it doesn't work out as we'd hoped.

[Gulf-Delta]

47 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Nobody is telling you that it's not disappointing.  And no, it's not obvious that you're looking at different facets of how it's making you feel because you keep arguing with us.  At this point, it's not obvious you've found anything useful in all we've written - this is actually why I've been referring you back to your therapist

Remember how we talked about you being over - invested at the start?  And you said that this is the only way you can ask a girl out.  Thing is, it's this very strategy which is causing you so much pain in the end.  If you had jumped in quickly....before you really cared about the answer...you'd bounce back a heck of a lot easier.   

Further, did you ever listen to those of us who were saying that she wasn't showing strong signs of interest?  Because acknowledging that there isn't a great chance of success when we are going in is another way of managing the disappointment we have when it doesn't work out as we'd hoped.

why do you view this with hostility? im not arguing, im correcting or clarifying things you uys may have misinterpreted or got wrong through your computer screens.

why would i jup in quickly and as sooner that when i was interested? what am i accomplishing by jumping in when im lukewarm or unsure? is that fair to he girl being asked? "hey, lets go out, but i dont really care that much". isnt it better to ask when you actually want to see the person?

 

i did listen when you said she wasnt interested. that changed when she initiated going on a date, and proceeded to say it went well. because those things DO show interest.

[basil67]

25 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said:

why would i jup in quickly and as sooner that when i was interested? what am i accomplishing by jumping in when im lukewarm or unsure? is that fair to he girl being asked? "hey, lets go out, but i dont really care that much". isnt it better to ask when you actually want to see the person?

You can never be sure when asking them on a first date because you don't know them.  You don't know what they are like as a partner.  You don't know if you're mutually compatible.   And because of this, no sensible woman would expect you to be confident about her when you ask her for a first date.    Being confident about her is when you ask her to move in with you.

A first date is about getting to know each other and for both of you individually assess if you want to do a second date.  "She seems fun/nice" is quite a sufficient level of interest for asking that first time.   Save 'caring' until you get to know them better and find that they feel the same way about you.  

You've got to find that line between ambivalence and being very invested in the outcome

Edited June 11, 2024 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Gulf-Delta said:

i do want to get rid of it. its not as easy and just being like "oh nevermind, this doesnt suck at all". its not that easy. venting about it here is helping me look at different facets of how its making me feel, cant you see that?

trust me dude, if i could just blink and not feel the pain, i would. they aare lessons but rejection DOES hurt, for me. thats how it is, pretending it doesnt wont help. pretending im not hurt by "romantic failures" is a road ive gone down before and it did a lot of damage

Dude, why do you insist on twisting everything I’ve been telling you?

I’ve never said you should pretend you aren’t in pain, where did you get this ridiculous “advice” from? Certainly not from me. I’ve given you loads of real advice, but you’ve been completely ignoring it.

You never once reacted to me repeatedly telling you that the source of your pain is in your entitled, prideful, self-centered attitude, in the fact that you don’t love dating and romance but consider it some sort of a treacherous game, in your constant self-pity and comparisons to other people, in your unrealistically high expectations, in your inability to start working on your healing from your childhood traumas and become a self-sufficient person before you attempt to love and be loved by others. You only deny everything and get defensive.

I can’t help you if you refuse to listen to what I say.

[Gulf-Delta]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

Dude, why do you insist on twisting everything I’ve been telling you?

I’ve never said you should pretend you aren’t in pain, where did you get this ridiculous “advice” from? Certainly not from me. I’ve given you loads of real advice, but you’ve been completely ignoring it.

You never once reacted to me repeatedly telling you that the source of your pain is in your entitled, prideful, self-centered attitude, in the fact that you don’t love dating and romance but consider it some sort of a treacherous game, in your constant self-pity and comparisons to other people, in your unrealistically high expectations, in your inability to start working on your healing from your childhood traumas and become a self-sufficient person before you attempt to love and be loved by others. You only deny everything and get defensive.

I can’t help you if you refuse to listen to what I say.

i dont think im entitled or prideful or self-centered. i dont think a lot of those things you say apply OR they dont align with how i feel at this moment. for example, i love dating and romance on paper. i am a romantic, so much so that the consensus in this very thread is that im evidently such a big romantic that i probably drove omeone away. this whole thread is me railing against how i am without those things. the source of my pain is the situation at hand. im not the source of my pain, i wasnt feeling this stuff before. im feeling the pain because i got turned down and denied, in this case. other sources of pain are things that happened to me in the past, or a situation i am facing.

i only deny something when its something you have incorrect. its not a personal attack, man.you giving advice without the full picture. thats not a big deal, but this adversarial attitude you have when i just try to correct it or give you more information isnt helping anything. for example, im self-sufficient. the issue is not becoming self-sufficient, it is that im tired of being self-sufficient. everything ive done for the last 12 years has been for me, about me.i bought a house, ive lived the bachelor life, ive done enough things for myself and by myself. im getting tired of it. it want to share things with someone. its monotonous. im tired of having my whole life revolve around myself. its time for a change. im ready to hang up this bachelor tag, im tired of my bed being empty and cold, im tired of my house being silent.

maybe im not ready to date, mentally, maybe i am. regardless of my progress on that, im tired of being single and doing stuff for myself.  im tired of being my own best friend, im tired of leaning on myself for company. it was fun for a year or two, or even 5. its getting tiresome now, i wasted so much time on being "self-sufficient" and "doing things for myself". its become frustrating, tiresome, a burden. lonliness is hell. there are no sounds in my house, unless i make them.

you jump to conclusions you misinterpret things i say, or just assume details about the situation.i dont get why youre viewing clarification as getting defensive. youre assuming im not actively working to change things about my life.that isnt the case. maybe i didnt do enough. maybe not long enough. but this idea that im just sitting here hating myself is not the case. i can recognize shortcomings about my appearance or negative traits that we talked about before, that isnt self pity. its self-awareness and preservation. i can either walk a road of thinking im some alpha chad movie star, or i can look at my own personal life experiences, and be realistic that no woman is looking at me and imagining wedding photos, you know? i dont think thats self-pity. it just is what it is, and i have to do things to cope with that.

you also have to understand, i cant just change attitudes and all the sudden everything is cool. im not swimming in options for dates, im not swimming in women like you might be. when i come across one that i feel has actual potential for something, i get invested because that's whats available to me. i cant afford to be indifferent or lukewarm. im in a desert. of course im gonna cling to the prospect of food or water.

in this specific case, i did SOMETHING wrong here, and i dont know what it was. which makes me angry at myself for blowing it. i have to vent that out, man.

i get it. youre a stranger, you dont have the entire life story of me. thats cool, its not a problem. but dont make assumptions or get mad when i provide you with a detail or something you might not have been aware of.

 

i dont even know how i can be prideful AND have self-pity.

Edited June 11, 2024 by Gulf-Delta

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said:

im not the source of my pain, i wasnt feeling this stuff before. im feeling the pain because i got turned down and denied

I say this as someone who's been rejected numerous times:  I get that you're disappointed, we've all been disappointed! 

But the pain isn't because you got turned down - it's because you didn't manage your expectations.   When you're dating, you hope for the best, but keep reminding yourself that they may not be interested.  If you half expect that they won't be interested, it's not so difficult to deal with when it happens.   The higher you fly, the further you fall. 

[Gulf-Delta]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I say this as someone who's been rejected numerous times:  I get that you're disappointed, we've all been disappointed! 

But the pain isn't because you got turned down - it's because you didn't manage your expectations.   When you're dating, you hope for the best, but keep reminding yourself that they may not be interested.  If you half expect that they won't be interested, it's not so difficult to deal with when it happens.   The higher you fly, the further you fall. 

it wasnt expectations. its that i wanted it badly.

my EXPECTATIONS, were pessimistic, that it wasnt going to work out. my expectations were spot on in this case. i went on the date, i had fun, i was confident in everything, but i was also very aware in the back of my mind what how this would probably go. i knew from when i first texted her, the probablity was high that this wasnt gonna go very far. but shes a great girl, i had a big crush on her, i tried anyone

my pain is coming from being right about these expectations. when she told me the date went well and all of that, i adjusted my expectations and expected a second date. after all, if someone said they had a good time, and had told you they had the same relationship goals as you, etc etc, wouldnt you think a 2nd date was possible?

what i wasnt managing was what i WANTED or HOPED for. im hurt because i once again, didnt get the success i wanted, and im back to shining it on for another year or multiple years until another one comes along.

Edited June 11, 2024 by Gulf-Delta

[SurfCity]

6 hours ago, Gulf-Delta said:

it doesnt matter what my addictions are. could be pills, cocaine, weed, heroin. doesnt matter.

I think that your addictions do matter especially porn or video games. Video games can acclimate you to thinking everything should be easy...with a swipe of your finger you can do things in the game that are difficult to do in real life. It can seep into your thoughts/beliefs about real life and cause you to think that life should be as easy as it is in the game. Porn has been shown to cause erectile dysfunction and depression in young men. Addiction to pills and hard drugs are much more serious. 

You're obviously using this thread to vent/lash out, but some of the things that you're saying are obviously untrue. All of your friends married their high school/college sweetheart or have women falling into their lap? That's just not believable. According to the CDC, only 2% of people marry their high school sweetheart. And someone who married their college sweetheart has asked out more than one girl/woman since it's likely that they went to prom/homecoming/dates in high school. The only guys who have women falling into their lap are famous or multimillionaires. There are normal men who don't struggle with dating, but they ask out lots of women and are rejected all the time.

Your brain isn't broken; but you do need to adjust your self-talk and develop a positive outlook. It seems like you're not really reflecting on the advice in this thread and just want to argue. Re-read the thread and really focus on the advice that you've gotten. Arguing just to argue isn't going to help anything. 

[Gulf-Delta]

4 minutes ago, SurfCity said:

I think that your addictions do matter especially porn or video games. Video games can acclimate you to thinking everything should be easy...with a swipe of your finger you can do things in the game that are difficult to do in real life. It can seep into your thoughts/beliefs about real life and cause you to think that life should be as easy as it is in the game. Porn has been shown to cause erectile dysfunction and depression in young men. Addiction to pills and hard drugs are much more serious. 

You're obviously using this thread to vent/lash out, but some of the things that you're saying are obviously untrue. All of your friends married their high school/college sweetheart or have women falling into their lap? That's just not believable. According to the CDC, only 2% of people marry their high school sweetheart. And someone who married their college sweetheart has asked out more than one girl/woman since it's likely that they went to prom/homecoming/dates in high school. The only guys who have women falling into their lap are famous or multimillionaires. There are normal men who don't struggle with dating, but they ask out lots of women and are rejected all the time.

Your brain isn't broken; but you do need to adjust your self-talk and develop a positive outlook. It seems like you're not really reflecting on the advice in this thread and just want to argue. Re-read the thread and really focus on the advice that you've gotten. Arguing just to argue isn't going to help anything. 

I'm saying a positive outlook is hard to adopt when the same negative difficulties keep occurring over and over and over

 

And when you don't understand why,  you start to think it's something about you as a human being. It's a toxic combination of stuff. It's not just rejection,  it's not just lonliness 

 

It's lonliness, combined with depressive addictions, combined with being cheated on, combined with lifelong rejection from women, combined with being invisible to women, combined with taking a risk and blowing it, combined with seeing all of your friends effortlessly find relationships, etc etc. All of these things are what they are on their own, when they stack on top of each other, it gets so heavy it almost feels impossible to lift off of yourself

 

I can't just wake up one morning and just have a more positive mindset.

[basil67]

39 minutes ago, Gulf-Delta said:

my pain is coming from being right about these expectations. when she told me the date went well and all of that, i adjusted my expectations and expected a second date.

Hang on, your first post has nothing about going on a first date.  It's all about approaching her for a first date.  Now you're telling us that she did go on a date with you but refused the second?

Am I the only one who missed an update about you going on a first date with her?   Either I'm going crazy or you can't keep your story straight

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Gulf-Delta said:

i dont think im entitled or prideful or self-centered.

You see. You just deny whatever I tell you. You aren’t even trying to understand what I’m telling you.

 

1 hour ago, Gulf-Delta said:

i love dating and romance on paper.

Exactly. You should love it in real life. You love an idealized, non-existing version of romance, not the actual thing itself. 
 

1 hour ago, Gulf-Delta said:

i am a romantic

There’s nothing romantic in having unrealistically high expectations from a date, creating an idealized view of a woman you barely know, and going hysterical over rejections. I don’t think you understand what being a romantic means.

1 hour ago, Gulf-Delta said:

the consensus in this very thread is that im evidently such a big romantic that i probably drove omeone away.

Nope, the consensus out this very thread is just the opposite, that you make women feel uncomfortable with all those very unromantic  traits of yours that you keep denying. You appear to have a little boy’s idea of romance as a quest to get a shiny trinket that magically solves all your problems.