We are now not together and I can't understand why

[RoachYY]

My gf of two years has been vile to me lately.

So let's start from the start we met and it was great, I took her to Cyprus and we was madly in love created loads of memory's etc. There wasn't much sex but that wasn't a major issue for me because she has problems with her cycles etc etc

4 months later I took her to Egypt still going well madly in love at this point I lived at home and she lived at her place we would see each other maybe 3–4 times per week and it was all good.

I took her to Cyprus again last year and it was again a great experience all good.

I moved in with her and started to buy her things like presents and I renovated her place bought her a new bed, new TV, new carpet new wardrobes , gaming PC desk projector spent thousands on the place .

After a while of moving in with her I realised that she had a gaming problem she would sit up all night playing games and arguing with people online all night long.

Now I'm not only going to tell my side of the story at the time I had a drinking problem and I would fall asleep every night and I would wake up and she chose to sleep on the sofa. I didn't mind this for a while but after a while I was waking up everyday on my own and she would just sleep all day.

One day I came home with dinner for me and her and I woke her up so I could give her dinner and she went mad at me I guessed at the time she had no sleep and was just being moody so I asked her why she lived like this and I basically got back “ if you don't like it then leave “

So I actually started packing my things and moved back to my own place

After this she would call my mum,my friends and my family to check up on me all the time

She told me that she had a abusive past relationship and that the guy lived with her so I'm guessing that I filled those shoes the moment I moved in with her

After this we sorted things out and I began to slowly start staying at hers again and I cut down my drinking and I would carry her to bed every night so she was next to me and I changed myself so I could make her happier

After this I noticed she went back into the same routine of just gaming all night till hours of the morning and sleeping on the sofa

So I tried to talk to her to ask her why things were going back to the way they was before because we agreed we would work together to be better in the relationship.

After I asked her why it was going back to the same way as before she told me she didn't care about me and to come and collect my stuff and that it was over

I left all my stuff that I bought for her and just took my clothes and personals.

A close friend of mine told me that he had heard my ex and her mate talking about pregnancy

I kind of jumped to the conclusion that she was pregnant but didn't want to tell me so I logged into her Instagram account just to see if she was

She started to call me a stalker so I left her alone for a while and in the end I learnt she wasn't pregnant she was talking about her ex boyfriend had got his new gf pregnant

So I apologised for overreacting and tried to make amends with her and she went psycho with me calling me names and very hurtful comments like just leave me alone and that I was a crappy bf etc

She then started to gaslight me

She would say to me that I never did anything for her so I mentioned the holidays and all the work and money I put in doing her place up and she said that I was using it to throw it in her face.

No we are no contact and she has said basically she never wants to talk to me again and we have no future together lots of hurtful things

So I'm.here thinking to myself either she does not want to deal with the pain of the breakup so she would rather blame it all on me and take no accountability for her own actions or she has been seeing somebody else.

I can't attempt to find out or speak to her without her going mad at me and shouting at me and blaming everything on me and she basically just told me to leave her alone.

I've had no choice but to go no contact but I'm still left wondering why she treated me that way and it's making me anxious

I know she is going to regret the choice she has made in time so what should I do ?

[basil67]

I'm sorry it ended this way.  

This all went bad because neither of you were your best selves in the relationship.  And it's not uncommon for a person to put all the blame on the other, especially if they aren't willing or ready to reflect on their own actions.  

I doubt she will regret her choice, and even if she does, it's unlikely she'll come back.  She's more likely to learn from it and move forward.

The best thing you can do at this point is go no contact and stay away from her social media.  You'll move on more quickly if you limit the connections between the two of you

[RoachYY]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry it ended this way.  

This all went bad because neither of you were your best selves in the relationship.  And it's not uncommon for a person to put all the blame on the other, especially if they aren't willing or ready to reflect on their own actions.  

I doubt she will regret her choice, and even if she does, it's unlikely she'll come back.  She's more likely to learn from it and move forward.

The best thing you can do at this point is go no contact and stay away from her social media.  You'll move on more quickly if you limit the connections between the two of you

To be honest I don't think I want her back just miss the memories and wondering why. Life goes on.

She treated me badly my main aim is to understand where I went wrong so I can learn from it. After being treated like that I wouldn't even consider taking her back because I've been around the block I've been through alot and this isn't the first time I've felt feelings like this.

 

Edited June 6, 2024 by RoachYY
Not said enough

[RoachYY]

I know myself and I know I deserve better I don't want her back because it would just go back to the same old anyway and she has been so hurtful and rude to me I know myself it won't work no more.

I just get cravings to speak to her and I'd rather let it out here or to my close friends and remain no contact 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, RoachYY said:

I know she is going to regret the choice she has made in time

No, you don't know this. 

You want this to be true, but that doesn't mean it is. And really, it sounds like this is well and truly over anyway. You weren't a good match anymore and it's too far off in the ditch to be salvagable. Don't torment yourself wondeirng why. Focus instead on moving forward and putting her behind you. 

[RoachYY]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, you don't know this. 

You want this to be true, but that doesn't mean it is. And really, it sounds like this is well and truly over anyway. You weren't a good match anymore and it's too far off in the ditch to be salvagable. Don't torment yourself wondeirng why. Focus instead on moving forward and putting her behind you. 

I agree with you here but all her friends and family said that I was the best thing to ever happen to her. She may not regret it but I know I done what I could on the best way I could so I don't blame myself which is what means most to me. It makes it easier for me to get over and move on when I know I just simply did my best if I punched her head in I would feel guilt and blame myself that's the difference me knowing I did all I could will help me heal 

 

If I know the more mature one during the breakup which I definitely was it makes me heal quicker 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, RoachYY said:

To be honest I don't think I want her back just miss the memories and wondering why. Life goes on.

She treated me badly my main aim is to understand where I went wrong so I can learn from it. After being treated like that I wouldn't even consider taking her back because I've been around the block I've been through alot and this isn't the first time I've felt feelings like this.

 

You went with your drinking problem.    Now, I understand that you sorted yourself out, but the second thing which went wrong is her gaming habit.   Now, I 100% agree with you that her life was not conducive to a good relationship, but if she had some kind of gaming addiction, of course she'd push you away for calling her out.  That's what addicts do.  If she's in denial about her own behaviour, she will naturally blame you.

Lastly, you logged into her IG account.  Short of a life or death situation, spying on a partner or ex is 100% wrong.   Of course she'd be furious at you.  Anybody would be

[RoachYY]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You went with your drinking problem.    Now, I understand that you sorted yourself out, but the second thing which went wrong is her gaming habit.   Now, I 100% agree with you that her life was not conducive to a good relationship, but if she had some kind of gaming addiction, of course she'd push you away for calling her out.  That's what addicts do.  If she's in denial about her own behaviour, she will naturally blame you.

Lastly, you logged into her IG account.  Short of a life or death situation, spying on a partner or ex is 100% wrong.   Of course she'd be furious at you.  Anybody would be

You hit the nail on the head it's definitely a addiction....

 

She knows I only logged into her ig because I was wondering if she was pregnant and hiding it from me 

 

 

This is why I decided to leave because I heard her talking about somebody being pregnant and saying that she didn't want to say anything until she was sure who's it was.... we was together at this point 

Edited June 6, 2024 by RoachYY
Not said enough

[basil67]

20 minutes ago, RoachYY said:

She knows I only logged into her ig because I was wondering if she was pregnant and hiding it from me 

I think you don't understand what a huge breach of trust you committed.  

[ExpatInItaly]

56 minutes ago, RoachYY said:

all her friends and family said that I was the best thing to ever happen to her

So? They are not her. That means nothing in the way of how she feels about you. 

44 minutes ago, RoachYY said:

She knows I only logged into her ig because I was wondering if she was pregnant and hiding it from me 

Again, so? It was still wrong. This is bad behaviour on your part and there was no justification for that. You could have simply asked her rather than resorting to teenage snooping tactics. That's a significant violation of privacy and I would be livid if an ex did this to me. Sorry, but you seriously effed up here. I would want nothing more to do with you, either. 

 

[RoachYY]

17 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 You could have simply asked her rather than resorting to teenage snooping tactics. That's a significant violation of privacy and I would be livid if an ex did this to me. Sorry, but you seriously effed up here. I would want nothing more to do with you, either. 

 

I thought initially that she was hiding it because her energy towards me had changed, but thanks for letting me know. 

 

I'll just ignore my gut feelings from now if requires me to violate there privacy period.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like you both had addictive behavior: her to gaming; you to drinking.

Two people with such addictive behaviors will never work. Neither of you is ready for a relationship. 

[MsJayne]

Sounds like you were buying her.  My advice would be that if you feel like you have to give material things in a relationship to keep the other person interested, run. Likewise for someone who leads an unhealthy lifestyle, soon their nasty habits poison your life as well as their own. Gaming addiction is a form of escapism, there's a lot more going on than just the gaming part of it. As for the pregnancy thing.....

20 hours ago, RoachYY said:

she didn't want to say anything until she was sure who's it was

Let's hope it's not yours. She's got behavioural problems that would mean she'd probably be a terrible mother as well as a terrible partner. If she contacts you in the future, which she may well do when she moves past her anger, you need to shut her straight down by not responding at all, ever again. Well done for getting your drinking under control, it takes a lot of self-discipline to do that. Find someone worthy of your generosity, don't spend money on a person who makes it so obvious that your feelings mean nothing to them. 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, RoachYY said:

I thought initially that she was hiding it because her energy towards me had changed

That may be, but that is still not a reason to snoop. 

Anyway, lesson learned for both fo you, regarding many aspects of this relationship. Time to move on. 

[SoulCat]

12 hours ago, RoachYY said:

I'll just ignore my gut feelings from now if requires me to violate there privacy period.

 

Or you could try and communicate like an adult? 
I know it's a novel concept, but you could have actually called her on the phone, and asked her.

Her talking with a friend about pregnancy and you drawing conclusions is neither 'a gut feeling' nor an excuse for you to basically cyberstalk her.
You have absolutely no right to access HER Instagram account without HER explicit permission.

Aside from the gamut of other issues going on in this bin fire of a relationship, that would have been a death knell for anyone with a modicum of self worth.

Edited June 7, 2024 by SoulCat

[basil67]

On 6/7/2024 at 9:31 AM, RoachYY said:

I thought initially that she was hiding it because her energy towards me had changed, but thanks for letting me know. 

I'll just ignore my gut feelings from now if requires me to violate there privacy period.

 

But your gut feelings were wrong.  You need to spend more time thinking about the issue before acting.  

Now, sometimes violating someone's privacy is warranted - for example if they are cheating or stealing etc.  But you've got to be damn sure because if you get caught and they aren't doing the wrong thing, then you're the one who's in the wrong.   Honestly, if you're at the point of violating someone's privacy, then you may as well just end it anyway.

 

[Acacia98]

On 6/6/2024 at 4:52 AM, RoachYY said:

I've had no choice but to go no contact but I'm still left wondering why she treated me that way and it's making me anxious

I know she is going to regret the choice she has made in time so what should I do ?

OP, I don't think you knew each other very well when you decided to move in together. So it sounds like you were wrong for each other and didn't recognize that.

Whether or not she ultimately regrets her decisions has nothing to do with you. So you should focus on learning what lessons you can from this relationship, figuring out what you want out of life, and becoming a better version of yourself.

Edited June 8, 2024 by Acacia98