Girlfriend still relying on ex…moving forwards

[MarkV]

Hi everyone

Just after some advice from neutrals. So I’ve been with my girlfriend for 8 months and she’s everything I love in a girl. Beautiful,caring,loving and loves spending time with me. We’ve known each other for a few years as friends and reconnected just after Xmas and our relationship blossomed.

She was in a relationship for 8 years with a guy who didn’t show her any respect,love and she had to go to events,family gatherings etc on her own as all he wanted to do was gaming and go to football. She says I treat her so well and that she loves me.

But..she still owns the house with her ex and she lives in it most of the time but he occasionally has it for a few days if she’s away etc. Neither of them are taking the lead to get it sold as she says the whole process of selling it stresses her out and he’s just too lazy to do anything to get the ball rolling. So the process just drifts on even though they broke up a year ago.

We went away last weekend for four days and had the best time ever with her dog. We’ve done a few trips and her dog always joins us which is lovely. She wants me to be part of her world as the dog loves me. She talks about our future and I feel loved when we are together.

The thing that bothers me is that she is away this weekend and rather than ask if I could look after the dog (I work with dogs by the way), she has arranged for her ex to stay at their house for the weekend to look after the dog instead. Maybe I’m reading into this but I’m not keen on the whole situation as it’s like she’s trying to move on with me but he’s also still in her life. He doesn’t want anything to do with the dog whereas I’d happily look after her.

I know selling a house etc is a big thing as I’ve been there myself but I feel like I’m the middle man until things get sorted (whenever that may be!). I’ve voiced all this to her before and she apologises for the current situation but that it won’t be like this forever. I just don’t know why she is still asking him for help with the dog etc when I’m happily here to do it.

Any advice would be great as I’m trying to be patient in the current situation but feel like I can’t do it long term the way it is.

Thanks

Edited June 6 by dv123
Change of title

[basil67]

Your feelings are valid. I would have expected her to get off her rear end and get it done when you told her how you feel.

I think you now need to tell her that you feel like you can't see a future with her if things stay the way they are.  Let her know that you're not going to wait around forever, and put a mental end date in your head

 

[Gaeta]

First: The dog thing is just about keeping the dog in an environment that the dog knows. You know dog owners, we always worry about the dog first.

As for the house l agree with Basil67, it's time to verbalize your limits. I would give her a deadline otherwise you will find yourself in this same dynamic in 5 years.

Also, her innaction is showing you who she is. You might discover soon she the procratinate type. 

[Gebidozo]

I think there are two separate issues here: the dog and the house.

1) The dog. I’m in a somewhat similar situation as you, actually from both sides. I have pet rabbits that my ex has left behind, and my fiancée’s ex has a dog that they had together. We’re both keeping contact with our exes primarily over those pets. My ex would occasionally come and visit the rabbits. I think your GF is just trying to do what’s best for the dog. I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you.

2) The house is another issue. I understand your GF’s reasons, but sooner or later that house needs to be sold or dealt with in some other way that wouldn’t involve her and her ex sharing property. The question is only this: how long do you agree to wait? Discuss your deadlines with your GF, and be ready to make a compromise. Say, you want the house thing done by the end of this year, she promises you it will be solved before next summer. Try not to push her too hard, though. Absolutely no threats or ultimatums, just sharing and communication.

[ExpatInItaly]

The fact that she has evidently not taken any action towards selling the house is concerning. 

She has to understand why no rational man is going to be okay with that for very long. It might be a stressful process, but what exactly is the alternative? Her having her ex stay with the dog is merely a symptom of the bigger problem. 

7 hours ago, dv123 said:

I’ve voiced all this to her before and she apologises for the current situation but that it won’t be like this forever.

But what is her actual plan? If there isn't one and she still resists after one more conversation about it, you need to seriously re-evaluate this relationship. 

[flitzanu]

there's a clear message being unspoken here, when a person is avoiding or refusing to completely end a relationship in order to move on with a new one.

your concerns are valid.

[smackie9]

I know it looks bad BUT, you only have been just dating...you are not living together fulltime right? and there's no engagement ring on her finger...so at this time you can only express your opinion, and it has to be left up to her as to when she's ready to sell. When things are heading to marriage/living together then yes there has to be a push for it. So sit down with her to reassess your relationship, and near future plans...set a date to when you circle back and talk about this again say in another 6 months. Usually after about a year and a half, that's when you should be making serious future plans. If she's still dragging her heals then you know where you stand....at the door leaving. 

[basil67]

For what it's worth, when I met my long term partner, I was still married.  I had left my ex and got straight into selling that house and split the assets so that I'd have money.  We needed to wait 12 months to divorce, but by then I was focussed on my new life and didn't get around to it.  Eventually, my new guy said something about being unable to move forward with me while I was still married and I got the divorce done pronto.

This is what worries me with your situation.   Procrastinating on paperwork, or not finding it terribly important is something I understand.  But when your partner says they are uncomfortable with the procrastination, you get off your rear end and get it sorted out

[ShyViolet]

She says "it won't be like this forever" yet she has done absolutely nothing to put an end to her entanglement with her ex.  No self-respecting person would put up with this.  You should give it a deadline.  Let her know that if she doesn't start the process of getting out of this house with her ex within a certain amount of months, then you don't see this relationship continuing.

No one can expect to have a normal dating life when they still essentially live with their ex.

[SweetEscape22]

Your concern is valid. You should make your position clear without any ambiguity. You need to tell her that it's not acceptable for her ex to take care of the dog when you're available and willing to do it. If she continues to keep him involved in her life at your expense, it's a definite red flag.

There are no half-measures here. You either assert your role in her life, or you walk away. It's that simple.

The current situation is a test of her loyalty and commitment to you. If she truly values your relationship, she'll make the necessary changes.

[BaileyB]

On 6/6/2024 at 5:00 PM, dv123 said:

I’ve voiced all this to her before and she apologises for the current situation but that it won’t be like this forever.

My next question to her would be - what are you doing to make this different? Because, as you’ve told the story, she looks just as lazy and satisfied with the status quo as her deadbeat former partner…