Relationship doubts frustrating me

[pinkteddy42]

Hi all, 

I was hoping to seek out clarification and see if anyone felt the same. I am (26F) and my boyfriend is (28F) and we have been dating for about 3 months and official for about 1 month. To preface it all, I have anxious attachment , leaning avoidant and also this is my second relationship and my first one ended horribly. My boyfriend is an amazing and sweet guy, but I have this doubts that do not make sense in my mind. 

Here's the thing, I like him so much and I am feel like I am in love and ready to say I love you to him (he is not ready yet but that's a whole another story). But sometimes, there are little things that make me think we are not compatible or tiny things that he does/does not do anymore that bother me but they are so small. My partner does not run away from conflict, communicates with me, replies with texts in a timely manner, showers me with physical affect and compliments me even when I look like a complete trash bag, he is broke because he is a student but still buys me tiny things here (like stickers or a lollipop) and there when he can, got me flowers twice in the time we have been together, he calls me when I ask for it and sometimes does it out of his own volition, cooks amazing meals for me, etc. 

One of the biggest differences me and my boyfriend have is the time we spend together. He is an introvert and greatly values his "me time". We have had multiple disagreements about this and it can be frustrating. If it were up to me we would see each other 4 times a week and for him, ideally it's 2-3 times a week. In my mind, why would you not want to spend time with someone you value? We compromised for 3 times a week. I'm glad we compromised, but sometimes I still think why does he not want to spend more time with his partner. In my head, time together = how much you like someone. I also understand, that seeing someone too often will cause burnout and also it's good for me to live my own life which I do. I'm trying to be accept it as what it is, because I think seeing someone 3 times a week is enough and we can both still live our life. 

Also, for some reason I nitpick things he doesn't do instead of focusing on the things he does do - for example when we are walking down a hall he doesn't touch my back, even though we hold hands. Or he does not send me memes consistently or respond to the memes I send him sometimes. Or he does not put emojis in his text. The thing is he does do these things sometimes, but not all the time - but why do I fixate on them? It's so exhausting because it is so small and miniscule. He also works a tiring job in the evening, but I don't allow him grace when he is quiet or doesn't have much to say. My behaviours are so bad too, one time I watched a tiktok where this girl got dumped out of the blue and I asked him out of the blue if he was going to break up with me. 

Sometimes, something will happen - a serious topic like the difference in our sex drive and we come to a compromise (this is also a whole different story) and I doubt us being together. I can see my self marrying him and being together in the long run, but is it my fear that he is going to dump me out the blue causing this? Do I want to save myself the trouble and end it first before I get hurt again? I feel bad for him sometimes, because I know I can be exhausting emotionally and mentally, and he puts up with it. I wish I can just securely enjoy our relationship, but I have anxiety about it. Help! 

[Gebidozo]

I used to have very similar problems and I understand how you feel.

Because I understand you, I have to tell you with all urgency that you need to deal with your anxiety ASAP. Get some therapy or, at the very least, work on yourself daily and remind yourself as often as you can that the problem is not your BF but you.

I’ve been in a relationship for a couple of years and we are engaged now. Judging by your description, your BF is quite similar to my fiancée. She is caring and kind, but she needs some “her” time. I, on the other hand, am an anxious attacher like you. We used to clash a lot over time spent together, especially nights. She needs to have some nights just for herself, while I used to have fears that became much worse when I slept alone. I also thought that she didn’t value me enough because of that.

I was completely wrong. This had nothing to do with me at all, this was just something she needed. Eventually, I realized that there was nothing I could do, either I accept her the way she is, different from myself, with different preferences in certain matters, or I let her go. Since letting her go was never an option, I knew I had to change the way I saw things. You need to do that too. You have to keep telling yourself that your BF’s preference to see you less often than you want to see him has nothing to do with his feeling for you (or your feeling for him, for that matter). It’s simply a matter of different characters and different attachment styles.

Regarding touching your back, memos, emoticons, all that is even less important and means absolutely nothing. You need to let that go. You need to let your BF be himself and express his affection his way, not impose your ways on him, especially not in such trivial matters as texting styles.

You have to understand that the more anxious you get, the more you pressure your BF, the less happy he will be, and the higher is the possibility that he’ll break up with you. You must trust him. You must stop all talk about breaking up. I know it’s hard, but you can do it. It took me a lot of effort, but I’m much better now, and I can see that my lady is happier. Focus on making your BF happy, and fight your fears relentlessly and mercilessly. Good luck!

[Gaeta]

You need to seek help for your anxiety. First because it's not a way to live for anyone to constantly live in doubts, sadness, worries. It's also not a way to live for any man in your life.

You need to calm yourself down when these thoughts are coming up but that's hard to do without someone teaching you how, that's why a terapist is best.

3 months dating is just that 3 months dating. To spend all of your free time together is too much. We fall in love by spending time with each other but we also fall in love while not together. Going through our week with the anticipation of seeing each other in a few days is an important part of dating and building a connection.

Finally, anxiety makes us imagine worse case scenario but it's never as bad as we think. You were living and breathing before this guy...you will live and breath after him. Whether he cheats, breakups, lose interest, none of this will injure or kill you. You will cry a bit and move on and be just fine.

[NuevoYorko]

You've only been in this relationship for 3 months, and one month official?  Friend, you are in trouble unless you get some outside help with your personal issues of insecurity and anxiety ASAP.   

The amount of conflict you describe says to me that the relationship is already - all the nitpicking!  Not touching your back?  MEMES???  STOP!  

Nobody would like to spend their time with a loved one like this.  

To be honest, it's not just about you being insecure and anxious, but about you having no boundaries or accountability for your own behavior.  Just because you have an uncomfortable thought or feeling does not mean that you have to bring it out and lay it on your boyfriend so he can do some behavior that will make you feel better.  That is NOT his role.   

Sorry, but I have to add:  This new pop psych trend of "attachment styles" and how many people are embracing their labels is not doing them any favors.   Whatever your "attachment style," if you want to be in a relationship with another human, how you behave is your responsibility.

 

Edited June 7 by NuevoYorko

[pinkteddy42]

7 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I used to have very similar problems and I understand how you feel.

Because I understand you, I have to tell you with all urgency that you need to deal with your anxiety ASAP. Get some therapy or, at the very least, work on yourself daily and remind yourself as often as you can that the problem is not your BF but you.

I’ve been in a relationship for a couple of years and we are engaged now. Judging by your description, your BF is quite similar to my fiancée. She is caring and kind, but she needs some “her” time. I, on the other hand, am an anxious attacher like you. We used to clash a lot over time spent together, especially nights. She needs to have some nights just for herself, while I used to have fears that became much worse when I slept alone. I also thought that she didn’t value me enough because of that.

I was completely wrong. This had nothing to do with me at all, this was just something she needed. Eventually, I realized that there was nothing I could do, either I accept her the way she is, different from myself, with different preferences in certain matters, or I let her go. Since letting her go was never an option, I knew I had to change the way I saw things. You need to do that too. You have to keep telling yourself that your BF’s preference to see you less often than you want to see him has nothing to do with his feeling for you (or your feeling for him, for that matter). It’s simply a matter of different characters and different attachment styles.

Regarding touching your back, memos, emoticons, all that is even less important and means absolutely nothing. You need to let that go. You need to let your BF be himself and express his affection his way, not impose your ways on him, especially not in such trivial matters as texting styles.

You have to understand that the more anxious you get, the more you pressure your BF, the less happy he will be, and the higher is the possibility that he’ll break up with you. You must trust him. You must stop all talk about breaking up. I know it’s hard, but you can do it. It took me a lot of effort, but I’m much better now, and I can see that my lady is happier. Focus on making your BF happy, and fight your fears relentlessly and mercilessly. Good luck!

Hi Gebidozo, 

Thank you so so much for your response. It has comforted me and brought me insight. I did notice the more I push for connection with him, the more annoyed he is and this does not seem like he is happy. Can I ask how did you manage your thoughts of breaking up? How did you manage to give her space? Do you guys still call on the days you do not see each other? I'm learning a lot in this relationship, but it can be really tough! I feel bad for my partner sometimes having to deal with me. Thank so much! 

[pinkteddy42]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

You need to seek help for your anxiety. First because it's not a way to live for anyone to constantly live in doubts, sadness, worries. It's also not a way to live for any man in your life.

You need to calm yourself down when these thoughts are coming up but that's hard to do without someone teaching you how, that's why a terapist is best.

3 months dating is just that 3 months dating. To spend all of your free time together is too much. We fall in love by spending time with each other but we also fall in love while not together. Going through our week with the anticipation of seeing each other in a few days is an important part of dating and building a connection.

Finally, anxiety makes us imagine worse case scenario but it's never as bad as we think. You were living and breathing before this guy...you will live and breath after him. Whether he cheats, breakups, lose interest, none of this will injure or kill you. You will cry a bit and move on and be just fine.

Hi Gaeta, 

Thanks so much! I am actually seeing a therapist weekly, and it has taught me so much. Thank you for your response, you are right, this man is not my whole world and not my end all be all. I have to not let my anxiety take so much control. It is extremely exhausting living with anxiety! I appreciate your response, it has been insightful. 

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

This new pop psych trend of "attachment styles" and how many people are embracing their labels is not doing them any favors.

I didn’t know people were embracing those labels, in the sense of, “Oh wow, I took that quiz online and I’m an avoidant attacher! Co-oool!”. The whole point is to recognize those attachment styles as disorders, and work on becoming a secure attacher. Understanding my own anxious attachment issues really helped me, actually.

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, pinkteddy42 said:

I did notice the more I push for connection with him, the more annoyed he is and this does not seem like he is happy.

Of course. You have to stop pushing. If you continue, you’ll either push him completely away from you or will make him miserable.

I know how hard it is for you not to push. I know every time it’s like a terrible itch that you must scratch. I know your anxiety is raging when you don’t get tangible reassurance over and over again. But you have to resist the temptation.

It’s like giving in to any other addiction, the satisfaction is a treacherous illusion and you’ll never be cured and will require higher and higher doses unless you quit completely. 

Remind yourself every time that with every push you’re undermining your relationship, further alienating the person you care for. 
 

4 hours ago, pinkteddy42 said:

Can I ask how did you manage your thoughts of breaking up?

Oh, I never had such thoughts, I’ve always know that breaking up with her isn’t an option. I just came to the realization that either I change, or she’ll break up with me or be miserable. I had no choice but to change.

 

4 hours ago, pinkteddy42 said:

How did you manage to give her space?

I just bit down hard and repeated to myself like a mantra, “don’t bother her, or you’ll hurt her, don’t bother her, or you’ll hurt her”. Stubbornly resisted those urges, one at a time. Failed several times before things began to improve. Saw the gratitude and happiness in her eyes when she began to feel she could breathe freely, that gave me more confidence and strength to keep going. Wrote down a list of everything she was doing that proved that she loved me and kept staring at it. Made myself more occupied with hobbies so that I’d become distracted and the urges would subside somewhat. Read a lot of advices on websites and forums like this one.

 

4 hours ago, pinkteddy42 said:

Do you guys still call on the days you do not see each other?

Yes, but sometimes she’d be busy with her own things, often it’s just being alone or hanging out with her family and friends, in those cases she sometimes wouldn’t text for a long while, and I learned to just let her do that and not bother her with incessant questions.

Another thing that you should consider is changing your tone. For example, I still text her sometimes, “Are you mad at me?” if she doesn’t reply for a long time, I attach cute smileys or stickers to that, so it comes across as sweet, not pushy, and she knows that’s how I feel. It’s extremely important to feel sweet and never pushy, accusing, or demanding. People react to your vibe much more than to the actual words. If you manage to channel your anxiety in a warm, humble, caring, non-intrusive, endearing way, you’ll get your reassurances without coming across as a psycho.

[ExpatInItaly]

When you're having this many issues and you've only been together three months, you are trying to force a match that probably isn't going to work. 

 

[pinkteddy42]

On 6/7/2024 at 11:14 AM, NuevoYorko said:

You've only been in this relationship for 3 months, and one month official?  Friend, you are in trouble unless you get some outside help with your personal issues of insecurity and anxiety ASAP.   

The amount of conflict you describe says to me that the relationship is already - all the nitpicking!  Not touching your back?  MEMES???  STOP!  

Nobody would like to spend their time with a loved one like this.  

To be honest, it's not just about you being insecure and anxious, but about you having no boundaries or accountability for your own behavior.  Just because you have an uncomfortable thought or feeling does not mean that you have to bring it out and lay it on your boyfriend so he can do some behavior that will make you feel better.  That is NOT his role.   

Sorry, but I have to add:  This new pop psych trend of "attachment styles" and how many people are embracing their labels is not doing them any favors.   Whatever your "attachment style," if you want to be in a relationship with another human, how you behave is your responsibility.

 

Hi there,

Thanks so much for your response! It shook me awake about how my behaviour is too much. I find I blame social media for all my behaviours but then not take accountability, so I appreciate the wake up call! The insecurity is the worst part forsure. Especially after being together for only this long!

[pinkteddy42]

On 6/7/2024 at 8:13 PM, Gebidozo said:

Of course. You have to stop pushing. If you continue, you’ll either push him completely away from you or will make him miserable.

I know how hard it is for you not to push. I know every time it’s like a terrible itch that you must scratch. I know your anxiety is raging when you don’t get tangible reassurance over and over again. But you have to resist the temptation.

It’s like giving in to any other addiction, the satisfaction is a treacherous illusion and you’ll never be cured and will require higher and higher doses unless you quit completely. 

Remind yourself every time that with every push you’re undermining your relationship, further alienating the person you care for. 
 

Oh, I never had such thoughts, I’ve always know that breaking up with her isn’t an option. I just came to the realization that either I change, or she’ll break up with me or be miserable. I had no choice but to change.

 

I just bit down hard and repeated to myself like a mantra, “don’t bother her, or you’ll hurt her, don’t bother her, or you’ll hurt her”. Stubbornly resisted those urges, one at a time. Failed several times before things began to improve. Saw the gratitude and happiness in her eyes when she began to feel she could breathe freely, that gave me more confidence and strength to keep going. Wrote down a list of everything she was doing that proved that she loved me and kept staring at it. Made myself more occupied with hobbies so that I’d become distracted and the urges would subside somewhat. Read a lot of advices on websites and forums like this one.

 

Yes, but sometimes she’d be busy with her own things, often it’s just being alone or hanging out with her family and friends, in those cases she sometimes wouldn’t text for a long while, and I learned to just let her do that and not bother her with incessant questions.

Another thing that you should consider is changing your tone. For example, I still text her sometimes, “Are you mad at me?” if she doesn’t reply for a long time, I attach cute smileys or stickers to that, so it comes across as sweet, not pushy, and she knows that’s how I feel. It’s extremely important to feel sweet and never pushy, accusing, or demanding. People react to your vibe much more than to the actual words. If you manage to channel your anxiety in a warm, humble, caring, non-intrusive, endearing way, you’ll get your reassurances without coming across as a psycho.

Hi Gebidozo, 

You have helped me so much get so much insight. I have taken screenshots and read your response daily. I relate to so much of what you have said especially the scratch. I feel disconnected from my partner and then I reach out which actually does not give me the result I wanted (comfort or reassurance) but I'm meant with annoyance instead. When he feels like he can breathe, I feel us growing closer together. I try to fight the urge so bad, and remember it is just a feeling and try to distract myself or manage my anxiety. 

I also have the tendency to ask questions super randomly that make it seem like I'm attacking him, like "why didn't you post that picture of us" or etc, etc. He is so patient and sacrifices so much for me, I am so thankful. 

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, pinkteddy42 said:

You have helped me so much get so much insight.

I’m really happy to hear that🙏

 

4 hours ago, pinkteddy42 said:

I also have the tendency to ask questions super randomly that make it seem like I'm attacking him, like "why didn't you post that picture of us" or etc, etc.

Uh-oh. Look, it’s ok if you sometimes (definitely not on often) ask such questions in an unambiguously light, jocular way. But generally, please remember an important rule: try not start your questions with “Why didn’t you…”. Even when asked in a lighter tone, such questions tend to feel accusatory and demanding to the other person.

Try to rephrase such questions as positive requests. Instead of “Why didn’t you post that picture?”, say “Do you think you could post that picture? That would really make me very happy”.

 

4 hours ago, pinkteddy42 said:

He is so patient and sacrifices so much for me, I am so thankful. 

He obviously loves you. Keep reminding yourself of that. Write down every thing, big and small, that proves to you that he loves you, and just stare at that list whenever you begin to have those nagging doubts again.

Edited June 12 by Gebidozo