It`s over?

[divdiv]

TL;DR awesome gf became spite-/resentful wife with a victim mentality right before/after our child was born after feeling let down during her pregnancy while I was at my lowest and after helping her through her crisis throughout the relationship.

Intro: I`m an INTJ in my early 40s and will try to keep this as unbiased as I can. Initially I thought this could`ve been much shorter, but as I went on I felt like giving more in-depth information might help with the bias.

My wife is a child of divorce, she was less than 10 years old at the time. From that point on she only saw her dad a couple of times per year, but they were on good terms. Her submissive mum eventually picked a loser as her stepdad, who´s a narcisist enhanced by a dom'ish character. Of course they didn´t get along and she was glad to leave for college at which she excelled as she was a straight A-student.

Fast forward a couple of years. She moved to the other side of the country as her last relationship had just ended. We met at work and hit it off instantly. I thought this couldn't be real because it was so odd how well we clicked. It`s like something you would see on TV. We never had those classical fights the couples have. Vacations were bliss. No issues working together either, which was great!

She was very clingy from the get-go, a "worrier" to some degree and had a hard time doing activities on her own. Whenever I wanted to do something by myself, even though she was there, she got a little pissy, nothing serious though. We spent ample time as a couple, at work, at home, as we moved in together quickly.

It got to the point that I told her that I couldn`t replace her family, friends and be her boyfriend while having to juggle my job as well. There was noone around but me at the time.
Over the years I urged her to actively seek out peer groups, some sports or gardening clubs or w/e she wanted to do, because multiple times she mentioned that she wished for a friend/some friends again like during college.
So this phase eventually passed, as she successfully worked on doing stuff on her own and at least trying to make friends. She was a supportive, fun and overall happy person.

During our relationship I`ve helped her manage 5 main "crisis" in the following order:

Family and friends gone due to distance (mostly resolved)

Work related (mostly resolved)

"Minor" medical issues of which some still keep her occupied. It`s chronic so she will always have to deal with it, mostly stress-related. (ongoing)

Work again: she feels/knows that there`s no long term future in this line of work for her, major conundrum (unresolved)

Birth trauma (ongoing)

We got to the point of starting a family; before I met her I wasn`t really planning on having children. So marriage beforehand, it was awesome. I switched jobs for a higher salary, but it came with more responsibility and workload.
A couple of months into her pregnancy (she didn`t have to work for the FULL term, so life was chill for her and she was extremely content), I suffered my first and only crisis in our relationship: my job was in jeopardy. This hit me like a ton of bricks. We had just bought a house, liquid funds weren`t that strong and there was a baby on the way. So I started reading a lot, about finance, politics, job prospects trying to figure things out.
Unfortunately this meant spending vastly less time with my wife. I tried to explain to her why I had to do it and showed her what I was reading and why it was important also for her, but she couldn`t really care or handle the material, because "she had other sorrows" (her words).
This is where it all went to ****. She pretty much felt abandoned (I guess emotionally because I worked my ass off at home and at the new job) and eventually she told herself that "oh well, if this marriage doesn`t work out, at least I got a kid" (her words).

So this went on until the birth of our child. There were complications. The baby was fine, but my wife took a beating. This threw her into a deep hole which required prolonged physical and psychological treatment. At this point I had to activate beast mode. Took care of the house, work, my wife and the baby, especially during the night, I almost always got up to feed it for a few months. Of course she was involved with the baby, but she couldn`t do too much. I couldn`t juggle all of this so I quit my job and picked up a new one which I swiftly managed to snipe even with all the stuff that was happening - through my studies I also secured our long term finances. It was a well paid WFH arrangement working evenings and nights so I could be available even more while the kid was awake.
Eventually putting in 150% over months took a toll on me so when my wife got better we shared more duties around the house and baby. I finally took some time for myself to workout, go on a hike or w/e, while they were taken care of. She scolded me multiple times for doing so as I "would rather spent time alone than with us".
My wife came up with all the things we had to do like baby proofing etc. and while I was pretty chill about it, she had to have these things done asap. A couple of tasks were mine alone and I have to confess that I procrastinated on some, not because I was lazy I think, but because I was still burned out from the past 12 months and some I just figured could just wait. Well not in her eyes.

So the relationship between my wife and me was brittle over the next 12-16 months because we barely spent time together as a couple and fought our ongoing personal battles. She verbally lashed out towards me multiple times, something that had never occured before. I was stressed with being a dad when the kid did typical kid nonesense otherwise it was cool. I definitely get riled up much more easily from the chronic stress and also some of the things the child does irritate the hell out of me, apparently this can partially be attributed to my personality type.
She was (semi-)depressed and went to therapy for a long time which didn`t only cover the birth trauma, but while she was already there also her past and the issues in our relationship. Looking back she always was in some kind of victim mentality mode I think, though it went into overdrive after the birth.
She`s quite susceptible to group-think and needs external approval. Her mum taught her to be (especially financially) self-sufficient and ambitious due to her being a single mum. Too bad that she turned into an emotional black hole.

Highlights I can think of:

We went from "I`m so scared that you will leave me because I`m such a burden to you" "I wish I was the fun, happy woman you fell in love with again" after the birth to "I don`t love you anymore and if it wasn`t for our history and kid, this would`ve probably been over by now"

"I feel like I can`t rely on you"

"Some of your (new) behaviours remind me of my stepdad"

"In therapy we realized that on some level I believe that men can`t be relied upon and I need to work on that" (I wonder what else they uncovered)

"If you don`t look for friends in the community we live in, it`s over" (remember that I told her throughout the years that she should make an effort to seek out friends if that`s what she missed so much? I don`t need anyone right now)

"If you don`t take care of / interact with our kid as I think is right, it`s over" [paraphrased] - we sometimes have different approaches when it comes to the child.

After randomly doing a personality test for fun, showing her the result (it`s always the same for me, regardless of the test) and her reading through hers "our personalities are not compatible" - I guess it took her almost 10 years to suddenly realize that.

"You`ve changed. You`re not as fun / light-hearted as you used to be." I almost lol´ed when she said that because she had been kind of a grinch for so long and less fun even before the wedding than she was in the first couple of years, before her "crisis" stacked up. Imagine if I had said something like that to her.

So, I`ve countered some of the points above like that she left me hanging when I went through my crisis when I was there for her always. Well, being the victim she is, she replied that she couldn`t support me because she was too involved in her own problems. I asked her how I should I evalute the fact that I can`t rely on my wife when I`m at my lowest when I had been there for her even when things were bad. Silence.

When we were a couple we rarely hung out with other people as we spent most of our free time together, dining, outdoors, at home and so on. I rarely went out with a few work buddies, all of them moved. It didn`t really matter to me because I still had my GF and can easily keep myself busy/entertained. Now she`s got this super definitive idea of family life, e.g. including that I should frequently come with her to some playdate or w/e to talk about diapers and the weather. Some grand plan she had never communicated beforehand.

I`ve always been open about being introverted and my long term plans of less work, more free time, more freedom for the both of us and our family. Something she couldn`t really wrap her head around as she never bothered to read about investing even though I had told her year after year to make plans because you can`t rely on a pension, this which will be worth jackshit in 30-40 years. She always had some excuse as to why she couldn`t be bothered with it right then. So I took it upon myself to secure our finances. Which I succeeded at. This is pretty much a good transfer to the end of my story.

I sadly expect this to end in divorce - if I gave her more affection, things would look differently to some degree, but I`m not sure I can forgive her. If she had options, she would`ve probably pulled the trigger already. I do most of the chores at home (cleaning, vacuuming, groceries etc.), I work more hours (she works parttime), I pay for most things as I make double net, I still spend more time with the child than other dads can, although she does maybe 95% of the child-related things like looking for new clothes etc. I took these duties upon me to to unburden her so she could work on getting better, I didn`t mind. She complained that I take time for myself while she has almost no freetime and there were "so many things to do" - I`ve repeatedly offered to take care of the child while she does w/e which has worked for appointments like her therapy, but usually when it came to her working out or w/e it was somehow much much more difficult to ask ("you seem irritated when I ask you", "I don`t dare to ask anymore unless it`s important"). I will say at this point, that I`m more irritated by her and that some of my reactions may have been "honest", but she was also extremely sensitive and took things way too personally even though some comments had no intention to offend.
She has slightly improved, but right now she`s at best indifferent towards me ("I don`t know how to fix us") because she has certain expectations that I have to comply with, especially emotionally. I realize that I`m way more absent, although I believe I know why now.

She`s only a shadow of the person I used to love, the fun, a little bit naive woman with smarts. It`s like a nightmare come true, something I would`ve never imagined. To be honest, when she told me that she felt like she can`t rely on me anymore... if it wasn`t for the kid, I would`ve dumped her right on the spot. I was so furious, but I didn`t show it. The "I don`t love you anymore and it`s hard for me to realize/say it" wasn`t a surprise at the time.
She also somewhat toys with my emotions, maybe not on purpose. On the one hand she blurts out the "highlights" (see above) and then she says that she doesn`t want to lose me/us and we should maybe try couples therapy.

So my main issue is with the child. I love it to death, such a funny, happy little muffin (2 years), although it`s sometimes really hard for me to be patient with childish behavior and I wonder if I`m even dad material. It would obviously impact the kid, but at some point it would realize what`s going on with mum and dad anyway. I have no idea how the wife would handle me dumping her, it would probably be best to be as neutral as possible even though she would most likely demand answers.
I also have no clue how we`d split up the kid. Judging from past experiences I firmly believe that she can`t manage the child, work and an apartment (the house would be sold) for prolonged amounts of time as I take care of so many tasks currently, which she has actually acknowledged/praised in the past.
On top of that divorce r... is a serious concern. She knows about my investments (big mistake), but not in detail. These are actually untouchable without me actively giving them up. I haven`t had legal council yet, but will quite soon.

There are more nuances/instances I could elaborate on, but this has gotten out of hand already. I certainly could`ve handled some aspects differently, but I straight up feel betrayed. I wish I didn`t have to think about these things, but I'm probably not able to stop resenting her for how she treated me. I would`ve never thought that it could turn out like this with her, up until after the wedding those were the best years of my life with many more to come. I look at my child and feel sorry and broken-hearted, it doesn`t deserve this, I wish we could go back. We could`ve been so happy.

[NuevoYorko]

Can we get a Cliff's Notes version?   And edited to leave out the pop psych and personality disorder diagnoses?  

It rubs me the wrong way when you call your child "it," too.

[divdiv]

I will try to condense it in the next couple of days, but you can`t really get the full picture then I think.

Like with your comment about pop psych / PDD: I didn`t mention that her issues were actually confirmed by her therapist, so you made a snappy assumption without knowing all the details. Also I`m a doctor. While it`s not my specialty, I still have more knowledge than the average person about this. 

Lastly, I did not intend to make such a long post, but eventually it seemed necessary while writing it up. I wanted to obfuscate the gender of my child, because a) it`s irrelevant b) I didn`t want to reveal too many details so I probably couldn`t be identified which with the current verseion obviously doesn`t matter anymore, I didn`t think of "fixing" it in my last draft. It`s a girl.

Edited June 8 by divdiv

[divdiv]

Also I`m not a native english speaker so it just seemed like the correct grammar to refer to her as "it" when I wrote "the child/kid" in the same sentence or before.

[tzorno]

Sorry your going through this divdiv.  Your wife seems to want to hurt you with her words as much as possible.  My ex was the same.  You don't seem happy and that's expected.  My advice, take the reins and call her out.  Next time she threatens to leave, tell her to do it as it would be for the best.  See how she reacts.  She'll either want to make matters better or she'll go ballistic because she doesn't control the situation anymore.  Be confident and to the point as to how you feel.  Tell her you love her, but you can't keep going like this.

Whatever you do or however it plays out, do not stay in an unhappy marriage just because of the baby.  You deserve to be happy.  Time goes by so quickly.  Don't waste it being unhappy.