Exceedingly Angry Ex doing really bad things

[viatori patuit]

Well I am back.  I come here every so often to read, but sometimes I am curious what others think.  This is the latter.

I divorced a few years ago.  My marriage was a dumpster fire and I fully own my part in that.  I was exactly half the problem.  

I have a situation now that is baffling to me.  My ex has been manufacturing abuse claims for the entire time.  She has called (or had people call) CPS multiple times (at least six calls).  CPS actually visited once due to the nature of one of the calls.  In that call my daughter had tripped and fallen and cut her eye.  There was video and an incident report which exonerated me completely.  To put it bluntly I live under a constant threat of bogus reports being filed to the police, CPS or anyone who she thinks can help her.  There need not be truth nor support to the claims.  

I have attempted a few times to address this with her.  I did this by suing her as appropriate.  I have sued her twice in this process.  The first was for a simple contempt which I won easily.  I wanted to let her know that her behavior would have consequences.  It did not work. She amped up her attacks again.  She has also accelerated her unwillingness to follow the court order governing the custody of the child.  She has taken her out of state without notice and made decisions which require my consent without so much as a passing notice.  

The second time I sued is for civil torts related to her behavior.  That is an ongoing case.  I approached her about settlement often early in the case.  I honestly wanted a full admission she was lying and for her to stop.  Mind you she did already admit to lying in the settlement documents for the divorce, so this is really a second admission.  I was not interested in punishing her, I just wanted her to stop trashing me in public.  It has and does impact my ability to make a living.  She got worse.  Again.  

She responded by amping up the accusations even more.  She recently had a medical professional call CPS based solely on her word.  I have access to the unredacted reports and everything the medical professional was told was a lie.  I actually went through it with the medical professional and proved the lies.  The professional refused to admit anything and let the report stand.  Of course at this point after so many calls and an investigation CPS does not believe a word.  They did not even bother following up.  

Here is what I have decided to do.  I went no contact with her.  This is hard due to parenting decisions but I see no other way.   I also have cameras around my house to record anything that might occur there.  Finally, I have foregone many important things like birthdays and first days of school if I would run into her.  Basically I run away if she is around.  I live in a bubble under a microscope.  Anything I do is scrutinized for potential use as a weapon against myself.  Both the police and CPS have been called multiple times.  I used to deal with this using humor, but even that is a problem.  She has attempted to use that against me as well.  So now I hide in my house and carefully go out hoping I will not run into anyone associated with this mess.

Of course I have lawyers on this but there is simply no easy way to get her to stop.  She doesn't care about the judge.  She doesn't care about anything but what she wants.  Nor can I terminate her parental rights.  Honestly, that is reassuring since she is openly trying to do that to me.  It is essentially impossible for her to accomplish the termination.  We are stuck together raising a daughter who routinely hears how bad a person I am.

So here are my questions:

1.  Has anyone here dealt with something like this?  Could you tell me a bit about it?  I honestly feel pretty alone right now.  I know many have dealt with spouses behaving badly, but what about CPS/Police calls?  I am switched on 24/7 since she is actively looking for things to use to try and create a situation where my parenting decision making and parenting time is restricted.

2.  What else can I do to protect myself?  Are there further tips?  No contact and lawyers seems pretty firm, but we have been here for a while and I am still getting calls to CPS and police.  I have no safety net as she will twist ANYTHING she can.  I find myself overthinking everything related to my daughter and it is quite frankly impacting my quality of life.

3.  I  would love some help on how to contend with this long term.  She is not going anywhere and I will remain a part of my daughter's life.  

4.  As hard as it is I do not trash her in front of my daughter. 

Finally, I know many out here will want to quickly blame me for this mess.  Let me stop you right there - I have done NOTHING to create this type of response.  I have not done anything to harm my daughter nor have I EVER threatened to harm or actually harmed my ex.  I recognize what I am getting here on the internet.  I also recognize this board can be mildly better than reddit on occasion.  I am assuring everyone reading this that I do not deserve the treatment she has heaped on me.  I only seek to find a way to deal with the BS. 

[Acacia98]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. But I haven't been through anything remotely like that. So I can't give you advice on how to proceed.

I'm just thinking, though, if she's in the habit of making false claims against you, surely she has earned a reputation for that with law enforcement and others? Is there any intention on their part to take action against her false claims? Is there a way for you to find out? 

Also, how old is your daughter? Is she a pre-teen? Younger? 

[Acacia98]

In addition, are you receiving any counselling? It may be helpful for you to talk to a therapist about your experience and to get their thoughts on the reasons for  your ex's behavior, it's implications for you and your daughter, and suggestions on how to proceed.

Edited June 8 by Acacia98

[tzorno]

How old is your daughter?  I take it that she is fairly young and has no word in any of this.

Your ex appears to be a typical narcissit and wants to hurt you just,,,,,because.   That's what they do.  

I have no experience with the type of problem you are going through, but I can offer these words of comfort.  Your daughter is going to catch on to your ex's behavior soon enough and when that happens, she will never look at her the same again.  I do have experience with that.  It's sad but true and the ex will have nobody to blame but herself.

Good luck with weathering this storm and i'm sorry you are going through this.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 6/8/2024 at 4:57 AM, viatori patuit said:

No contact and lawyers seems pretty firm,

You absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, need a lawyer here. 

[viatori patuit]

Thank you for the comments.

My daughter is five.  We have 50/50 custody.  The ex has three other children from two previous marriages.   She apparently did similar things during those divorces and obtained full decision making authority for them.  Since we have split decision making I am able to intercede with any of the major decisions to be made.  She had the school the other three attended call CPS at one point.  I told her under no uncertain terms would my daughter attend that school.  She abides by the decision because she has too, but she certainly is upset by the lack of control.  The other three are similarly spiteful and my daughter spends every other week surrounded by people bad mouthing me and attempting to make her hate me. 

Pick up's are always a joy, my daughter is completely distraught when she comes out.  I do none of this in the to her as it is clearly is bad for her.

Any action I take could come back to haunt me.  It is like living in a bubble under a microscope with constant scrutiny.  Every single time I have my daughter I live under the fear that when I return her my ex could manufacture another case of "abuse" and try and restrict my visitation.  Fortunately I live in a north eastern state where this is very difficult, but it is not impossible.  I am sure that I am one or two simple mistakes away from some sort of restraining order being filed.  This even though there is zero contact and we never see each other.  Even posting here can be risky.  Were she to be able to positively prove that I posted this I would be subject to some sort of further legal action.

For those that asked about the courts and criminal action, that is not an option.  Most states do not take this type of thing seriously.  There is still a bias to allow the mother to be "crazy" with little to no repercussions.  The likelihood that she would be prosecuted is low.  Even if I could have her charged, my lawyers would rather not given the pending litigation.  The want to finish the civil case and then press criminal charges.  I am stuck worrying about every interaction I have.  I spend a lot of time in my house and traveling.  I am at much lesser risk when I do that.  One bright spot is that CPS seems to ignore all reports.  It is small consolation but their single investigation revealed zero concerns.  Unless the police intercede they likely will not respond to any reports.  

I will examine counseling soon.  Right now, that might be used against me for some sort of restraining order.  I need to finish the current civil case which hopefully will deplete her resources to the extent she can no longer make trouble.  I simply see no other way to stop these incidents, and I must put my daughter's well being ahead of my own.  It might sound harsh, but I see no other options.  Honestly, that is why I am here.

My primary question is - what else can I do to insulate myself?  I need to tactically deal with the situation so I can safely heal.

[MsJayne]

Why am I not surprised that this piece of work now has three divorces behind her? Have you any idea what's behind her vindictive behaviour, like does she have an axe to grind over the reasons you divorced? I've never been through a divorce or child custody battles, but I did once have a moron make a false report to police about me. I don't know how things work in the US, but here what your ex is doing would constitute making false reports to police and that's an offence in Australia, and so is making frivolous reports in order to harass someone. 

[Els]

Just to be clear, the only "harassment" she has done so far is to call CPS?

I'm not sure why you feel so threatened by this. If you have done nothing wrong, CPS will investigate and then decide that you've done nothing wrong. If she keeps crying wolf, that will eventually lead to CPS filing a report against her (if there is proof of malicious intent or outright lying) and dismissing future claims by her. If you don't trust CPS, that's a different story entirely, but if you have a child with someone in a particular jurisdiction, you have basically consented to the CPS of that jurisdiction having oversight.

So at this stage the only thing you can really do is to trust in the process. CPS is here to protect children, they have no incentive to take children away if there is no abuse. You can talk to your lawyers about things that you can record and document to prove your innocence if it comes to that, but you can't really stop people from reporting you.

Edited June 17 by Els

[mrs rubble]

I have been in the same situation as you, and it is extremely hard to deal with. To be honest, I'm not sure how I got through it all. I did go to a counsellor which helped a lot. 

My son was 7 when I split with his father, his dad used  to bad mouth me and my son's brother relentlessly, which led our son to lash out at us both, he was a very angry little boy for years. My ex accused my family members of physically and sexually abusing our son. The police cleared my family members after an interview with a forensic child psychologist.

It got really bad with the anger from my son directed at both myself and his brother, that one day when he said he wanted to live with his dad fulltime, I said fine and let him go. I regularly  picked him up for visits though. After about a year, my son appeared on my doorstep, tears streaming down his face and stated that he didn't want to go back to his dad's again. He'd walked 15km to my house and his dad had no idea where he was. I phoned his paternal grandad and let him know what was going on. My son never went back to his dad's, he struggled through school, but thankfully he found a really great psychologist at the special school he was sent to, who gave him a load of support. Today he's 25 and has come a long way.

The only advice I can give you is to concentrate on your daughter and try not to let your ex's drama affect you. My father wanted to sue my ex for defamation and slander, after some of his lies were repeated to me by mutual friends (who knew he was lying.) as I said to my dad, he would have probably liked the day in court and attention, lets not give it to him. Ignoring was the best option, and even laughing over the craziness of it all.

Wishing you all the best, hang in there!

[viatori patuit]

Let me try and clear a few things up. 

 

First, it is not just CPS that she is calling.  She has also routinely called the police and anyone else that would listen.  For those that are unaware, CPS is far from some sort of benevolent organization interested in truth.  They can and do act on bad information all the time.  Each report made carries with it the possibility (however remote) that the child will be removed from the reported parent for the child's own safety.  All it takes is a zealous social worker and an incorrect assumption.  Sure, I might be able to get her back.  It would be expensive and I would start by being in a hole since she was already taken.  

Also, the existence of the reports will impact earning capacity and job opportunities.  These reports are public and will show up in a background check.  Any job I try and obtain will result in this being brought forward if any background check at all is administered.  Even if CPS does nothing, my earning capacity and financial security are impacted by the reports not to mention how embarrassing it is to explain them to a puzzled potential employer.  That may not bother some, it does bother me a great deal however.

Nor does the it change the fact that I deal with reporters who have called based on her word.  They have a great deal of liability facing them if the report is proven false.  They often look for more reasons to report to protect their own neck rather than getting the truth out there.  This is a cascading event where I literally have to sue every single person who reports or face the risk of a mountain of reports to protect the reporters.

I do not consider the financial impact of this at all.  I am not sure why anyone would care if child support is involved or not.  Where I live it is just as likely that a woman would pay a man as a man would pay a woman.  When 50/50 custody occurs there usually is no support since both parties are paying their own way.  In any event this is not the motivation for things.  I could not care less if I pay or receive anything.  I just want to be able to raise my daughter in peace.

 

[Els]

22 minutes ago, viatori patuit said:

Also, the existence of the reports will impact earning capacity and job opportunities.  These reports are public and will show up in a background check.  Any job I try and obtain will result in this being brought forward if any background check at all is administered.  Even if CPS does nothing, my earning capacity and financial security are impacted by the reports not to mention how embarrassing it is to explain them to a puzzled potential employer.  That may not bother some, it does bother me a great deal however.

This is puzzling. Just to be clear, in your jurisdiction, if anyone wants a random person to experience job insecurity (an ex, a neighbour they dislike, a backstabbing colleague, etc etc), all they need to do is to call the police or CPS? And it'll show up on that person's public records in a background check, even if the police/CPS investigated and found nothing wrong? How does this work? Surely it would only show up on your record if the investigation turned something up?

Where I live, health professionals and teachers will often call a welfare check if a child shows up with an injury that looks even the slightest bit dodgy. There's a very good chance that nothing is wrong, they are just calling to make sure, because it's a lot worse to miss a case of abuse than it is to call a check on a child that isn't being abused. Even if 100 reports ended up saving the life of 1 child, it would be worth it. However, it would be bizarre to put something like that on public records.

Also, thank you for bringing this thread back on topic!

Edited June 18 by Els

[viatori patuit]

Just now, Els said:

This is puzzling. Just to be clear, in your jurisdiction, if anyone wants a random person to experience job insecurity (an ex, a neighbour they dislike, an irritating colleague, etc etc), all they need to do is to call the police or CPS? And it'll show up on that person's public records in a background check, even if the police/CPS investigated and found nothing wrong? How does this work? Surely it would only show up on your record if the investigation turned something up?

This is correct.  The mere existence of the reports is public record.  The records are also redacted.   So the only thing that shows up is the allegation and findings.  

If one wants to create uncertainty in another's life than calling cps is the way to do it.  

[mark clemson]

On 6/7/2024 at 7:57 PM, viatori patuit said:

2.  What else can I do to protect myself? 

Sorry to hear about this - clearly you married and had a kid with a highly dysfunctional woman, unfortunately.

There are many different legal jurisdictions in the world with different laws and practices.  I believe in some you could file a police report sharing all the evidence you have, so that the next time she comes to them with complaints the police at least know the context and history and are more likely to view whatever it is as a false complaint. You may be able to do something similar with your local CPS, possibly if there are multiple fake claims. If you are suing anyhow, you MAY be able to get some sort of court order WRT her behavior towards you as part of that.