Alpacalia Posted June 28 Share Posted June 28 (edited) On 6/26/2024 at 12:55 PM, Esteban said: I think when you said 'if she was that amazing' etc you're referring to my original post. Yes, I think you're right, in the end I did contact her first, and only chatted with other women on dating apps after she responded and said no. Not sure if you saw my first post on Monday where I explained she replied and was extremely uninterested and unavailable. I think in this day and age, especially when you're on dating apps, that things are more fluid for a bit. FWB's are more common. I have never had the discussion of exclusivity with my long term BF's simply because we just knew that we were each other's person! I think if you're on dating apps there is a very good chance those women are too and same scenario, they are dabbling with more than one..that said, tell me again who wants to be someone's second choice? The thing is, you may start with one you really like and once you meet another maybe you'll change your mind. It just takes time. If that scenario happens, be honest and say that you are seeing someone you began talking with prior to meeting. Edited June 28 by Alpacalia 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted June 28 Share Posted June 28 Dude here. US based. About your age. Dated a lot. A few thoughts for you: 1) Oh man you are nowhere near ready to be in a serious relationship. You remind me of me when I got first divorced. I cringed when you said you hoped that you would meet the love of your life on your next date. For your sake - I really hope not! You would just screw it up. Trust me on this. Ha. You need to date for the sake of dating. A lot. 2) When it comes to dating there is a saying I'm fond of, "Women are the gatekeepers to sex, Men are the gatekeepers to relationship." 3) I've multidated a lot (dating multiple women at the same time). It's pretty common these days. Basically it is assumed that you or the other person are dating other people unless you've had the exclusivity talk. 4) If things started to become sexual with one of the women I was dating then we'd have the "we are not exlusive" conversation. Sometimes I would also have that conversation prior to things getting sexual as I typically prefer to be transparent. But the common practice is that you don't talk about multidating and for some people, they don't even talk about after things become sexual (not a big fan of this personally). 5) You couldn't be more wrong about the vast majority of women not wanting casual sex. Well that is true for some women, for a lot of other women they actually enjoy a more casual dating relationship that includes sex. 6) So, back to the original question... When should you be exclusive. The answer is - it depends. In my opinion though, the exclusivity talk should be initiated by the woman. I think if a man initiates it early on it can really be off-putting. Feels like pressure. Further, women don't always bring it up as "hey let's talk about exclusivity". Rather they just might talk about the relationship in general and exclusivity may naturally come up. But at the end of the day if she asks for exclusivity it's her move that you are reacting to rather than you initiating it. 7) I think of exclusivity a little differently thank you do. Sure there becomes a moment in time were you define your relationship together and exclusivity is a part of that. But for me exclusivity is always been a personal choice. I may make the choice to be exclusive to her but not with any expectation of reciprocity. In fact I probably wouldn't even mention it to her. It's more a choice for me and how I want to show up in a new relationship. That's happened to me very early on - second date. And it's also happened to me several months in. When you make it a personal choice that really only affects you then you do it when it feels right. Period. Anyhow I hope this helps. Mrin 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted June 29 Share Posted June 29 58 minutes ago, Mrin said: I think of exclusivity a little differently thank you do. Sure there becomes a moment in time were you define your relationship together and exclusivity is a part of that. But for me exclusivity is always been a personal choice. I may make the choice to be exclusive to her but not with any expectation of reciprocity. In fact I probably wouldn't even mention it to her. It's more a choice for me and how I want to show up in a new relationship. That's happened to me very early on - second date. And it's also happened to me several months in. When you make it a personal choice that really only affects you then you do it when it feels right. Period. This is a great advice. OP, you can apply these words of wisdom to all aspects of dating and romantic love in general. Don’t expect anything from the woman and make decisions based on how you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 29 Share Posted June 29 3 hours ago, Mrin said: Further, women don't always bring it up as "hey let's talk about exclusivity". Rather they just might talk about the relationship in general and exclusivity may naturally come up. But at the end of the day if she asks for exclusivity it's her move that you are reacting to rather than you initiating it. As a woman, there are also ways to work it out without even having the conversation. 1. He gives her prime date nights and a fair bit of the weekend as a matter of course 2. He not secretive about his life. Instead of just saying he's not available at this time or is busy, he will say "I'm sorry, I can't that day/night - I am doing X" Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted July 1 Share Posted July 1 On 6/28/2024 at 4:06 PM, Mrin said: I think of exclusivity a little differently thank you do. Sure there becomes a moment in time were you define your relationship together and exclusivity is a part of that. But for me exclusivity is always been a personal choice. I may make the choice to be exclusive to her but not with any expectation of reciprocity. In fact I probably wouldn't even mention it to her. It's more a choice for me and how I want to show up in a new relationship. That's happened to me very early on - second date. And it's also happened to me several months in. When you make it a personal choice that really only affects you then you do it when it feels right. Period. I really like this. Has been that way for me. When I am seeing someone I am super excited about I do not have any desire to feel or be with anyone else. I have committed to not dating others and just enjoy being with who I am with and allow it to run its course. Of course, if I found out he was seeing others, I would be hurt but then again I would move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Esteban Posted July 9 Author Share Posted July 9 It turns out in practice that I'm not that comfortable with the multi dating now I've been trying it. I had two dates with the same woman and I arranged a third date with her (for a Tuesday a couple of weeks ago) and there was a date arranged with someone else for the day after (the Wednesday). And then I woke up at 5am on the Tuesday thinking about the first woman I'd had two dates with, and it was even the beginnings of some emotional feelings rather than sexual (in that moment), and I'm thinking, 'what woman wants to go on a date with someone that is waking up at 5am thinking of someone else' so I was half tempted to cancel the date for the Wednesday. But then on the 3rd date on Tuesday the woman - who I was very interested in - says she sees me as more of a friend, so then I'm thinking, well it's a good job I didn't cancel that other date! I've got a date for this Wednesday and it's a second date and I was chatting with two woman, one in Bumble last night, and the other in whatsapp this morning, and I was kind of hoping the chats would be slow so I could stretch them out until Thursday without wasting much of their time but they were both replying to me quite fast. I asked one of them for a date on Tuesday but she said she was available on Friday and asked if I wanted a date then, so then I imagine what if she spends days chatting with me and on Thursday I write to her and cancel Friday's date because I've just slept with the woman on Wednesday? Feels a bit shitty. For all I know this is her first date after years recovering from an abusive relationship and she spends hours chatting to her friends about it and choosing what clothes to wear. OK, probably not (I made all that up just now), but you never know? So I told her what's going on - explaining that she isn't my second choice but that I just matched with the other one first - and ask if I can write to her on Thursday and she says she appreciates my honesty but basically tells me she isn't going to wait like that while I'm with someone else and it doesn't feel right and basically strongly implies to me I have to cancel the date I have this Wednesday if I want to see her on Friday. The other one I wrote to her and explained I have a second date on Wednesday and asked if I could talk to her on Thursday if I decide not to see the other woman again. She didn't answer that, but she said it speaks very well of me what I did and said and wished me well. I get that some people will think that I should just multi date without saying it, but it doesn't feel right to me for a second date in practice now I've been doing it. It also means I'm more likely to forget details about the person or ask them a question they've already answered. Also I have a slight fear that someone half way through a date with me when it's going well says 'so just want to make sure you aren't dating anyone else' and then I say 'well actually I went on a date yesterday and I've got another one tomorrow.' and then either they get annoyed and walk out or it just makes them think on some emotional level, 'I'm not special' which reduces the chance of sex or a relationship. Admittedly none of them asked me if I'm dating others yet, so it's probably a naive fear, but I can't quite shake that thought off. I just feel more comfortable being fully transparent. The other thing is I'm finding it tiring to go on 3 dates in a week while chatting with 1 or 2 others. I have a full time job and 2 kids and I feel like for the amount of time and energy I've got available is better suited to 1 or 2 dates a week which is probably what will happen with one person. When I'm chatting with two women at the same time I have to keep reading back the chats to remember who said what and not put my foot in it. All that being said, if I found out after 5 dates with someone else that they were multi dating even though I wasn't, I don't think I'd have an issue with it or feel annoyed or that they'd done anything wrong. Maybe I should slow it down a bit but the trouble is I bought a paid subscription in Bumble and I have the option in Bumble of seeing all the women who have already liked me and looking through that is a bit tempting.... Link to post Share on other sites
dancehead Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 (edited) If you ask me, I've always found multiple dating tiring. It's bad enough talking to 2 girls let alone 5 or more. Like you, I worry I would get them mixed up or call them by the wrong name or ask them something they already told me, but I forgot. Most women would be turned off by your admission of multiple dates, just like men would and women rarely admit to it, well in the UK they don't... Still, after reading your thread it sounds like I am being too harsh on my woman for cutting contact with me before I was going to meet her in her country having talked about it for 4 months and her saying she will wait for me to come. But then she was actually dating someone else then had a proper relationship with them and she lied about it saying she was leaving the country.......6 months later after that ended, contacting me again.... and she thinks I don't know or doesn't think what she did was wrong. But it bothers me, I think it would bother most people. Multiple dating is a bad idea in my book if lies are involved Edited July 17 by dancehead Link to post Share on other sites
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