I yelled at my wife after she gave my email info to my estranged mother but she acts like I am in the wrong. What should I do ?

[vintagetriplex]

 

Me and my wife have been married for 6 years.

For context, my mother has never been in my life 100 percent. She is been in and out of prison for reasons I am not gonna talk about here.

At some point, when I was 12, me and my 2 brothers moved in with my aunt and uncle. My uncle is my mother's brother.

Ever since I moved in with them, I haven't talk to my mother since.

She is been in prison up until she got out recently and somehow she got my email and tried to contact me multiple time but I ignored her.

I never talked to my wife about my mother and my relationship issues with her because it's really none of her business and in general, I don't like talking about these things and generally don't like being vulnerable at all. Over the years I became stoic and generally refuse to ever confide in anybody.

But recently my wife started to ask about my mother and wondered if she tried to contact me. I told her that she did in fact try to reach out to me to basically apologize to me for not being in my life and making the wrong life decisions but I ignored her and don't want anything to do with her.

But weirdly my wife told me that I should at least try listening to my mother and give her a chance but I was annoyed at my wife's lecture and told her specifically to stay out of it and its none of her business and it's easy to lecture me when she had it easy with her parents, grew up in a wealthy family and fed with a gold spoon and spoiled all her life.

At the end of last week, my mother tried contacting me again. I did answer but I only wanted to ask how she got my email and I told her to stop trying to contact me.

She later told me that she was able to chat with my wife on her Facebook and my wife gave her my email.

That made me furious and I barged into the living room where my wife was at and I snapped and yelled at her and asked her why TF did you give my email contact to my so called mother ??? My wife stuttered and said she was hoping to help me reconcile with my mother but I yelled even louder and told her she can f***  off with that s*** !!! If you want to be on this crackheads side, she can move the f*** out and move into the roach infested apartment she lives at. You deserve each other !

My wife responded with "what is wrong with you ?

I responded with " what is wrong with me ??? You f***ing idiot. How dare you give my email to this trashy woman ??? I f***ing you hate ! 

Now we've been silent with each other. It really pisses me off that she went behind my back to give my email info to my estranged mother and now she acts like I am the bad guy for flipping out. 

Yesterday she tried to apologize but I know she doesn't mean it. What should I do ? Should I get a divorce? 

[Gebidozo]

I think your wife might want to get a divorce from you.

What is wrong with you?! So your wife gave your email to your mother, whom you prefer to ignore (that’s your business, of course). First, your wife was trying to help you. Even if she did something that displeased you, her intentions were very good. Second, it’s just an email address! You can still ignore your mother’s email or block her as a sender if you so wish. What’s the big deal?

In any case, your yelling, your aggression, your swearing are horrible, much worse than what your wife did. You should apologize to your wife profusely and hope she’ll forgive you.

[basil67]

I suspect that if you'd disclosed about your past, your wife would have better understood your feelings and not tried to fix things.   It's not her fault that you didn't know.

Meanwhile, your verbal abuse of your wife was beyond the pale.  I'm guessing you learned it from your mother or those she hung out with.  I would have hoped that you'd do everything you could to not be like her or those she associated with, but some things are picked up by the kids and taken into adulthood.  This is something you need work on.

Anyway, your wife has tried to apologise.   If you want to fix things, you accept her apology and give a genuine apology for shockingly abusive. Then talk about your history so that your wife knows the full story and can understand why don't want  your mother in your life

 

[Gaeta]

On 6/8/2024 at 8:12 AM, vintagetriplex said:

I never talked to my wife about my mother and my relationship issues with her because it's really none of her business and in general

That's what happen when you treat your wife like she's a buddy. If she had known the story behind  your mother not being in your life she would not have done that. 

I would seriously contemplate divorcing you if you called me F* idiot. Again, she's not  your buddy, she's your wife. You don't seem to know the difference. She's the one who should divorce you.