Devastated and Heartbroken and it was My Fault. Is there a chance?

[singletrack]

I'll try to keep this as short and concise as possible.  I am so heartbroken and devastated.  I've lost the best woman I've ever had.  I know I appear like a real POS.

The Beginning:

Back in November, I met a wonderful woman 11 years younger than me(I'm 46 She's 35) through my sister.  This woman immigrated here from Venezuela about four years ago with her daughter who is 15 years old. This was a LDR of about a five hour flight.

We hit it off like nothing I've ever felt in my life. We had this fire and passion that was truly amazing. She felt the same and maybe even more stronger. By December we were totally in love with each other. I was part of her family - so very close with her daughter, her parents loved me, her brother was like the brother I never had.  We always talked about our families together, the future, and how I was gonna be her husband, her moving out to me or me possibly relocating there.  I had "the" conversation with her father and stated my intentions with his daughter. 

I continue to travel back-and-forth every other week about and she came out to visit me once. It was the only time in the 15 years. Her child was born that she ever left her daughter. It meant a lot to me. I was one of the very few men that was ever introduced to her family/daughter.

Where I Failed:

I had come back from a trip to visit family and long story short she saw a picture in txt of a woman who I've been communicating with since 2019. This was the beginning of many failures. My response was terrible as I went into panic mode. I turned my phone off and she instantly got upset. She left the room crying and I just wanted the problem to go away, so I blocked this person that texted me and deleted everything..  this is a person I never had sexual relations with or tried to. It was somebody I casually met in an airport bar, and we remained in touch through Covid and threw my divorce and my mother's passing. She lives in a different country entirely.

I was able to reassure her that this person was merely just an acquaintance and things seem to have gone back to normal. Within a day or so we were affectionate romantic she was back to I would say 90% of herself. It was only until she went out with a girlfriend where I noticed, a big change in her.  Shortly after this we had a few phone conversation one getting very heated, where I was asking her if she was breaking up with me because it was obvious how angry she was.

I told her I was in a fly back there and we were gonna try to talk this through. I flew back there and she was cold when I met up with her and she asked to see my phone which I gladly gave to her.  In there, she did see other women that I casually communicated with. It was two texts that during this time of uncertainty that were terrible. One was someone I stopped talking to right when I met her that literally contacted me on the flight after months of no contact and I stupidly threw out a quote. Let's grab sushi and wine and catch up quote gesture. The other was a customer trying to get me to go out with him and his wife and a friend that was single.

All these conversations were never emotional or sexual in any way shape or form. There were benign meaningless conversations. With that said, it was absolutely wrong to continue these while in a committed relationship. I was dishonest and broke my girlfriend's trust.

The Break Up:

That day we met, and I gave her my phone and she saw those things. She broke up with me. I absolutely collapsed in panic and begged and pleaded with her to forgive me. It was a bad break up and I am absolutely heartbroken and devastated.

In the days and weeks after that, she had made comments to my sister and their mutual friend asking to give a second chance if she should. There was some limited communication between us using this mutual friend.  I know she was seriously wounded and I tried to apologize.  

During this time she had said that she had blocked me, but I noticed that she didn't. The one or two text I sent right after the break up were delivered. I sent a text message about a week ago of a partial full letter that I had compiled for her of my sincerest apology, explaining why I did these things and what I was doing to correct this stuff. She responded saying she knows I'm sorry and that it was over. She asked me for $500 and money that she wasted on a trip for us that she couldn't get back which I gladly reimbursed her plus some.

At this point, the letter that I've been working on for the last three or four weeks with help of my therapist I decided I had to send it to her immediately instead of mailing it. I sent her the letter via email. This letter I worked on tirelessly waking up, sometimes at 2 AM not being able to sleep to express my sorrow, guilt, for hurting this woman and her family.

She said she wouldn't read it but in the end, she did read it and ended up going over to this mutual friends house for four hours visibly upset to talk about it. I only let about five people read this letter because it's very personal to me and exposes me completely. Three of the people actually said they dropped a tear to how powerful and well where did the letter was. Everybody said it was an incredible letter really owning what I did a true sincere apology and the things I was doing to correct them and my intentions with her from the beginning, and if there ever would be a future.  Within the letter, I explained that through my counselor growing up in the household with an alcoholic mother that was drunk day and day out and a father never around created issues that we like chains throughout my adult life. My loneliness. My boredom. The feeling that I never wanted to be alone. Never wanting to say no to people. Never wanting to disappoint people and always trying to keep peace.

The Aftermath:

It's been five weeks since we broke up.  Other than the limited communications through this mutual friend and the few texts she sent me it's been quiet. I think about her constantly every moment of every day. I sent the full heartfelt apology and explanation on Tuesday.

I know I truly royally messed up with this woman. Although I never crossed the boundary of physically cheating, I cheated her, giving my time and attention to these people behind her back. I did these things due to deep wounds I had as a child that were ignored out of denial. Feeling weak. Trying to be a "man. "

This is also a woman that's had a damaged past. She's had four serious relationships end in either infidelity or abuse. She always being the one ending things. We both came into this relationship with trauma and that is truly unfortunate.

I sit here constantly dwelling if she'll take my words in that powerful letter, I sent her and open her heart to forgive me and into the possibility of a second chance.  I think of the absolute fire and passion we had those months where she would constantly say I would be her husband one day. Where she would always ask this mutual friend if this is really a dream as she was so in love with me.

I know everybody has their boundaries and clearly I crossed this boundary. Also talking to my friends wife who is a marriage counselor she has a kind of neutral position on it even going as far as saying "If somebody truly loves you, 100% through and through, they will go through hell to with you." She said "longevity in relationships comes through forgiveness, not lack of obstacles."

So I sit here and struggle with the damage that I caused a woman and her family. The loss of a wonderful woman and family. It's like a death. This hits harder than my divorce.  The thought of her possibly coming back to me and giving me one final second chance.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read and listen to my story. I accept any criticism and I appreciate any kind of perspective or support if any. I'm just trying to put some pieces back together if possible. Thanks.

 

 

 

 

[Gebidozo]

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, and I hope you forgive the bluntness of my response. I think that you did nothing wrong and your ex’s response was absolutely uncalled for. You have the right to have platonic female friends and chat with them in a non-sexual way. 

I’m sorry, but I would never be able to call a person who breaks up over such trivial issues “wonderful”. Clearly her love to you was severely lacking, or she had some serious mental issues if she broke up with you like that. 

I know it doesn’t feel like this now, but I think you dodged a bullet here. You’ll surely be able to find a woman who’ll love you and won’t abandon you because of something no sane person would call cheating.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, singletrack said:

she saw a picture in txt of a woman who I've been communicating with since 2019.

Was this a nude or something? Why the extreme reaction to this? 

[singletrack]

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, and I hope you forgive the bluntness of my response. I think that you did nothing wrong and your ex’s response was absolutely uncalled for. You have the right to have platonic female friends and chat with them in a non-sexual way. 

I’m sorry, but I would never be able to call a person who breaks up over such trivial issues “wonderful”. Clearly her love to you was severely lacking, or she had some serious mental issues if she broke up with you like that. 

I know it doesn’t feel like this now, but I think you dodged a bullet here. You’ll surely be able to find a woman who’ll love you and won’t abandon you because of something no sane person would call cheating.

Thank you 😊  she definitely has some previous relationship trauma. Her daughter's father basically abandoned them after the daughter was born. Then she had three serious relationships, one ending in cheating, another abuse, one was actually still married. It still doesn't totally excuse me I shouldn't have been talking to any females.

At my age and what I've been through I just accept that we're all damaged in one way or another. Nobody's perfect and I just loved her and accepted her as she is.

Edited June 8, 2024 by singletrack

[singletrack]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Was this a nude or something? Why the extreme reaction to this? 

Not in the slightest bit. But the gist of the text was we were just chatting about what she did that day and she told me she got her haircut short and I asked how short and then she sends me a wasit up photo of her hair. Fully clothed and not even remotely provocativ

Edited June 8, 2024 by singletrack
Spelling

[Acacia98]

From where I'm sitting you didn't do anything earth-shatteringly terrible. I think she overreacted. But like you said, that's her boundary. So there's really nothing you can do about it beyond what you've already done. 

I think you guys were initially still in the honeymoon phase. And this incident essentially "tested" your relationship to see if it could withstand normal stresses. Apparently, it couldn't. So your relationship must have had fault lines that were invisible to you both.

I think the best advice I can give you is to be kind to yourself and to forgive yourself, OP. You're not a POS.

[NuevoYorko]

Just to make sure I'm clear on the timeline:

You  met  in November, 2023?  And it was an LDR?

By December, you were "totally in love,"  and a part of her family - including close with her daughter?  And were talking about marriage?  

Did her parents move here to the states as well?

Now, 6 months later, the whole thing has imploded because of some bad judgement on your part, and her reaction?

If I'm correct on the timeline, I would say that both of you really really jumped the gun and perhaps if you would have taken some time with each other, you would have built a foundation that would help your relationship withstand some serious bumps.  

 

Edited June 8, 2024 by NuevoYorko

[singletrack]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

Just to make sure I'm clear on the timeline:

You  met  in November, 2023?  And it was an LDR?

By December, you were "totally in love,"  and a part of her family - including close with her daughter?  And were talking about marriage?  

Did her parents move here to the states as well?

Now, 6 months later, the whole thing has imploded because of some bad judgement on your part, and her reaction?

If I'm correct on the timeline, I would say that both of you really really jumped the gun and perhaps if you would have taken some time with each other, you would have built a foundation that would help your relationship withstand some serious bumps.  

 

Yes.  Our initial meeting was just a casual get together at my sister's house where she invited her and her daughter and I was there with my kids so it wasn't exactly a date to meet each other. We hit it off so well I texted her and said I wanted to take her out the next evening and she immediately obliged.

We fell hard for one another.  Never in my life have I like that.  Things did move fast, and although I questioned some things at some point, it was so perfect. I never questioned or doubted anything. We never had one argument or any issue even though I know it was only six months. It was perfect.

 

[Gebidozo]

9 hours ago, singletrack said:

Thank you 😊  she definitely has some previous relationship trauma. Her daughter's father basically abandoned them after the daughter was born. Then she had three serious relationships, one ending in cheating, another abuse, one was actually still married. It still doesn't totally excuse me I shouldn't have been talking to any females.

At my age and what I've been through I just accept that we're all damaged in one way or another. Nobody's perfect and I just loved her and accepted her as she is.

I’m sorry, man, but this is just crazy. Of course you can talk to women, as long as there is nothing sexual. Asking about haircut and receiving fully clothed, non-sexual photos is absolutely nothing. Your ex had a freakishly disproportional reaction that testifies to her mental issues.

You can’t just tiptoe all your life around people like that, afraid of every step you take, convincing yourself that your most innocuous actions are illicit just because they feel that way. Sure, if you love a person you might be extra attentive. If she just freaked out over that text of yours and then apologized, I’d totally understand you. But she broke up with you! She abandoned you over something no normal person would consider cheating. She isn’t even aware of the fact that she is the one with issues here. 

I know you’re hurting, but in the long run, I think it’s good that it happened. You can find a woman who loves you more than that.

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, singletrack said:

Things did move fast, and although I questioned some things at some point, it was so perfect. I never questioned or doubted anything. We never had one argument or any issue even though I know it was only six months. It was perfect.

The bold parts contradict each other.

Look, six months is not the time frame during which one can establish with certainty that a relationship is “perfect”. It was just a short test run that crashed and burned at the very first semblance of a crisis.

Moreover, “perfect” is such a suspicious word when applied to a relationship. How can any relationship be perfect? People are not perfect. I think it’s very dangerous to believe that someone, or your relationship with that someone, is perfect. You might end up putting a person on a pedestal, idealizing them, stubbornly refusing to acknowledge their flaws. This is, in fact, the vibe I’m getting here.

[MsJayne]

There's healthy jealousy in a relationship, and there's crazy, insecure, claw-other-womens-eyes-out jealousy. Sounds like your woman be might the latter. My guess is if you crawl hard enough and pander to this drama she'll eventually take you back. And one day you might marry her, and step into a fire-pit of jealous and controlling Hell. 

[singletrack]

9 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I’m sorry, man, but this is just crazy. Of course you can talk to women, as long as there is nothing sexual. Asking about haircut and receiving fully clothed, non-sexual photos is absolutely nothing. Your ex had a freakishly disproportional reaction that testifies to her mental issues.

You can’t just tiptoe all your life around people like that, afraid of every step you take, convincing yourself that your most innocuous actions are illicit just because they feel that way. Sure, if you love a person you might be extra attentive. If she just freaked out over that text of yours and then apologized, I’d totally understand you. But she broke up with you! She abandoned you over something no normal person would consider cheating. She isn’t even aware of the fact that she is the one with issues here. 

I know you’re hurting, but in the long run, I think it’s good that it happened. You can find a woman who loves you more than that.

Thank you. She said it was more the way I reacted, but I would even say that my reaction was a reactions to her seemingly reaction to seeing it. Maybe we both have issues and it just collided at that moment.

My sister said the same exact thing. That I would hate my life always like I was walking on thin ice with her.

My sister and their mutual friend told me of a story where she was dating a guy for three years and something happened and he had a break plans promise with her daughter, and she broke up with him immediately over it. I thought that was kind of excessive and, considering what happened between us and that maybe things are starting to make sense a little bit

 

9 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

The bold parts contradict each other.

Look, six months is not the time frame during which one can establish with certainty that a relationship is “perfect”. It was just a short test run that crashed and burned at the very first semblance of a crisis.

Moreover, “perfect” is such a suspicious word when applied to a relationship. How can any relationship be perfect? People are not perfect. I think it’s very dangerous to believe that someone, or your relationship with that someone, is perfect. You might end up putting a person on a pedestal, idealizing them, stubbornly refusing to acknowledge their flaws. This is, in fact, the vibe I’m getting here.

I understand you. I guess what I was trying to convey was it seemed perfect for me.  We didn't have issues and she was and was doing all the things that I had wanted in my previous relationships.  Highest interest level I've ever experienced from a woman. Very loving and affectionate. She would buy me little cute gifts. Plan fun things to do together. I loved her whole family and miss her daughter and the rest of our family terribly.  I'm not delusional enough to think that anyone is perfect.

 

Edited June 9, 2024 by singletrack

[singletrack]

8 hours ago, MsJayne said:

There's healthy jealousy in a relationship, and there's crazy, insecure, claw-other-womens-eyes-out jealousy. Sounds like your woman be might the latter. My guess is if you crawl hard enough and pander to this drama she'll eventually take you back. And one day you might marry her, and step into a fire-pit of jealous and controlling Hell. 

Yeah, there was one or two small little signs that may be or signals of this? I'm more than one occasion she would break out and cried to me asking "What does a guy life you want with woman like her?"  She would also always tell me...."Don't Leave Me" or "Don't Forget Me"

We really did have a great relationship up until that moment. Maybe it was bound to happen sooner or later.

With that said, I'm unsure if she'll ever even talk to me again or entertain a reconciliation. My sister and their best friend says she ends relationships immediately when there's trouble and she never gives people second chances.

I guess I found out

 

Edited June 9, 2024 by singletrack

[MsJayne]

6 hours ago, singletrack said:

Yeah, there was one or two small little signs that may be or signals of this? I'm more than one occasion she would break out and cried to me asking "What does a guy life you want with woman like her?"  She would also always tell me...."Don't Leave Me" or "Don't Forget Me"

We really did have a great relationship up until that moment. Maybe it was bound to happen sooner or later.

With that said, I'm unsure if she'll ever even talk to me again or entertain a reconciliation. My sister and their best friend says she ends relationships immediately when there's trouble and she never gives people second chances.

I guess I found out

 

Yep, using the term, “A woman like her” is a big red flag flapping in your face. Her past abusive relationships have made her distrustful and she hasn't yet worked out that not all men are creeps and not all women are boyfriend-thieves. She may never work it out and until she does she’ll always be hard work and drama. You’ll recover, in a couple of months from now you’ll be ok 😊.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 6/8/2024 at 8:43 PM, singletrack said:

But the gist of the text was we were just chatting about what she did that day and she told me she got her haircut short and I asked how short and then she sends me a wasit up photo of her hair. Fully clothed and not even remotely provocativ

Then I'm sorry to say, but your now ex-girlfriend is nuts. Major red flag that she went ballistic and blew everything up over something so innocuous. 

20 hours ago, singletrack said:

We really did have a great relationship up until that moment.

Because neither of you knew each other that well, nor were you using the best judgement diving right into something with a relative stranger so early on. 

20 hours ago, singletrack said:

Maybe we both have issues and it just collided at that moment.

Kindly, I would say you both do indeed have issues. It is not great when you're dive-bombing into something new and talking about how close you were to her daughter and stating your intentions to her father all within, what, 50 or 60 days of meeting? It tells me that you are both impulsive and building glass castles in the sky, and forgetting that moving at warp-speed is usually a significant red flag rather than the sigm of good times ahead. Now you're seeing why. 

20 hours ago, singletrack said:

My sister and their best friend says she ends relationships immediately when there's trouble and she never gives people second chances.

You need to ask yourself why you would want a second chance with a woman who clearly is not relationship material and treats you like a criminal. 

Your self-worth needs some work here, OP. Falling apart and panicking over the loss of something that was never likely to last is your clue that something needs attention inside you, and it's got nothing to do with this specific woman. You're trying to heal past hurts, is my guess, and you put all your eggs in a basket that wasn't securely woven yet.