Shamed for Opening up

[bloom1228]

Thanks for taking the time time to read this. Let me give you a quick background. I've been married to my wife for 4 years. We get along great. She does have a bit of reactionary behavior stemming from an extremely traumatic childhood. But I wasn't expecting this. I've been feeling a little self conscious of my weight for a while now. I've been stressed with work and I've gained some weight. We went to dinner last night at one of our favorite restaurants. After dinner we ordered an Uber home. We were chatting and joking with the uber driver and trying to get our seatbelts fastened. My wife says "My husband is a fatass and has a giant ass and can't get the seatbelt fastened.". We all laughed. But that definitely hurt my feelings, even if it was a joke. I was quiet for the cab ride home. When we got home I was quite shut off and quiet. My wife started asking me why I was upset. I said, "I'm fine, I'm fine." But she kept asking, so I said that the joke about me being fat hurt my feelings. I didn't say I was mad, just that it hurt my feelings. She then proceeding to ridicule me for feeling bad and saying that was bullshit that I'm upset about a joke, and said she wanted to spend the rest of the night apart and went to the bedroom. Feeling like I was completely attacked for voicing my feelings I went to the room later and she continued on. Telling me I'm thin skinned and even told me to "grow a pair." I told her I was shocked because I was just expressing my feelings and I was being attacked for telling her how I felt. She's still quite upset and I feel gaslit. What is happening!?!? 

[Gebidozo]

Your wife’s behavior is insensitive, disrespectful and rude, bordering on cruel.

The initial joke would have been ok had she apologized for it after you’d expressed your hurt. Not only she didn’t apologized, she continued to mock you and attack you afterwards.

If someone treated me like this, I’d consider breaking up.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

What's happening is that your wife is a jerk. 

Has she been nasty to you like this before? Her behaviour is unacceptable here, but I would be surprised if this was the first time has mistreated you. 

[bloom1228]

43 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What's happening is that your wife is a jerk. 

Has she been nasty to you like this before? Her behaviour is unacceptable here, but I would be surprised if this was the first time has mistreated you. 

Yes. She can be quite mean. But this just caught me off-guard because I'm opening up and being emotionally vulnerable by telling her how this made me feel, and it's getting turned around to how I'm too thin skinned and how she's not validating it because it's stupid and then she starts airing her grievances with me. I'm just shocked. 

[Alpacalia]

Geesh, your wife is being one insensitive meanie! 

I think your wife is feeling some animosity towards you, either some resentment for something you've done or something about her. Does she ever snipe at you during other times, or is this out of character? 

I understand your wife has a reactionary behavior from her traumatic childhood, and maybe this is part of that behavior-- taking things out on others (especially you). She needs to reel that in.

The fact that she told you to "grow a pair" and pretty much attacked you for voicing your feelings is nonsensical. That's not cool of her to say. I hate to say it, but the way she's treating you sounds like emotional abuse.

[Lotsgoingon]

No way this is the first time your wife has bitingly mocked you. No way. She's too brutal and unremorseful for it to be the first time.

So I'm thinking this incident is only one of a series of incidents from her. 

Ask yourself bluntly if leaving would be better. I don't know all that's great about her, but this side of her could kill love in a marriage. 

Now, how in the world did you miss this behavior til now? Did you just tolerate it? The point of marriage is to get loved and soothed by a partner, not mocked and attacked. 

[mark clemson]

Couples have a "chemistry". This occasional berating is (in fact, for better or worse) part of your chemistry.

Your wife likely feels it's "ok" and so doesn't like being called out on having done it. While ostensibly intended as a joke, it's also a way to "hurt you" a bit. I'd guess you have some occasional interplay of this. Some people find "perfect harmony" boring and/or are (often unconsciously) somewhat uncomfortable with it.

One way to "grow a pair" is to tell her you won't tolerate it from her anymore and that you expect to be spoken to with a bit more respect and point out that kindness is a two way street. You could also (even) see a couple's counselor to help address this and work on your communication skills/interactions as a couple.

I do think that "addressing this" (while possibly important) is a bit like squeezing a balloon in the sense that if you repress this tendency on your wife's part, whatever "drives" it is likely to show up in some other way. All that said you shouldn't have to tolerate it if it bothers you. Perhaps she can find another "outlet" that won't be as problematic/hurtful.

Edited June 8 by mark clemson

[basil67]

6 hours ago, bloom1228 said:

Yes. She can be quite mean.

I think that couple's therapy could be helpful.  They may be able to help her understand how her words affect others. 

[MsJayne]

You're not thin-skinned. Your wife's rude. Would she be OK with it if you had said in return, "Please excuse my wife, she's got a big mouth and bad manners"? 

[BaileyB]

19 hours ago, bloom1228 said:

this just caught me off-guard because I'm opening up and being emotionally vulnerable by telling her how this made me feel, and it's getting turned around to how I'm too thin skinned

You are being manipulated when your partner blames you for their disrespect.

What your wife said to you was rude, disrespectful, and hurtful. End of story.

If this is a regular occurrence, you really need to ask yourself why you are with a woman who would treat you this way… that’s not love, she is a bully.

[Els]

Your wife is an AH. It's one thing for her to make an insensitive joke without realizing it, another thing entirely to gaslight you instead of apologizing when you told her how you felt.