Is it risky to go on a trip with ex-fiance and our 2 daughters and sharing a hotel room.

[starsandskyx2]

My ex fiance (30M) ended our relationship and engagement exactly 2 years ago. We were together for 4 years and have 2 daughters together. We still consistently see each other every week to coparent our children and now have a civil and friendly relationship at this point. Our first year of separation was extremely tense and negative but it got better and more positive over time. Now that we have been separated for 2 years, we are friendly with each other. I (29F) honestly still love him very much but have accepted that we will never be together again. I didn't want us to end but he told me he had fallen out of love with me and consistently reminds me that we will never get back together. However, we have recently decided to plan a trip to Disney World "for our daughters". It will be the first trip we take together since our break up and our first ever "family trip". My ex made it extremely clear that it is "only for our daughters" and he has no intentions of rekindling anything with me which is fine! What is odd is that we will all be sharing a hotel room like a family (but we will sleep in separate beds). Is this risky or weird? I would also like to add that this Disney trip was originally my idea with my dad (my kids' grandpa) but my ex found our and insisted on wanting to be the one to go with us. We are splitting costs 50/50.

[stillafool]

I can understand why your ex would want to visit Disneyland with his children.  He wants to see the magic in their faces.  Will your father also be sleeping in the room with you guys?  Regardless, your ex has made it clear to you more than once that he doesn't want to get back with you, so I don't see him making a move on you.  Why do you think he will or are you going to try something with him?

[starsandskyx2]

57 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I can understand why your ex would want to visit Disneyland with his children.  He wants to see the magic in their faces.  Will your father also be sleeping in the room with you guys?  Regardless, your ex has made it clear to you more than once that he doesn't want to get back with you, so I don't see him making a move on you.  Why do you think he will or are you going to try something with him?

No, my dad will not be joining on the trip. I meant that the trip was originally supposed to be me, my dad, and my kids but then my ex insisted on joining so my ex is going to take my dad's place on the trip. I will not be making any moves on my ex. I just find it odd that we will be sharing a hotel room but I do understand it keeps the cost of the trip lower.

[happyhorizons]

52 minutes ago, starsandskyx2 said:

No, my dad will not be joining on the trip. I meant that the trip was originally supposed to be me, my dad, and my kids but then my ex insisted on joining so my ex is going to take my dad's place on the trip. I will not be making any moves on my ex. I just find it odd that we will be sharing a hotel room but I do understand it keeps the cost of the trip lower.

Hopefully, you get along well with your ex and you are at least cordial. I must admit this is an odd arrangement.

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, starsandskyx2 said:

 I meant that the trip was originally supposed to be me, my dad, and my kids but then my ex insisted on joining so my ex is going to take my dad's place on the trip. I will not be making any moves on my ex. I just find it odd that we will be sharing a hotel room but I do understand it keeps the cost of the trip lower.

Why did you allow your ex to railroad your vacation plans with your father?  I understand that this can be a "family vacation" with your kids but it would be much different if the two of you had decided together to do this. Or, he could have told you he'd love to go too and plan with you AND YOUR DAD an appropriate way for this to happen, as long as your dad was onboard too.   He has no right to kick your dad off of a vacation and take over the spot himself and I'm very surprised that you allowed it.  

And, yes, of course it's weird to share a hotel room.   

[basil67]

Oh, your poor dad

Aside from your father getting bumped for no fault of his own, I'm worried about the kids and the mixed messages they are going to receive with the two of you playing happy families when you're not actually getting back together 

 

[NuevoYorko]

What happened with the guy you were dating in your previous thread?   Did he get fed up with your co-parenting arrangement?

 

[basil67]

With reference to your title asking if this is "risky"....you know him better than we do.  What risks are you concerned about?   

Do you think he might get into your bed?  Or you'll fall in love again?  Or that the kids will be confused?  Or that money will get confusing?   

[starsandskyx2]

46 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Oh, your poor dad

Aside from your father getting bumped for no fault of his own, I'm worried about the kids and the mixed messages they are going to receive with the two of you playing happy families when you're not actually getting back together 

 

I see a couple of comments like this one feeling bad for my dad...no worries at all! My dad honestly mostly felt bad for the kids because he sees so many kids going on trips with their parents that he did not want mine to miss out so he wanted to make plans to take them on a trip too but ever since finding out that their dad/my ex wanted to step up and take over, my dad was actually really happy about it because he mainly just wants the kids to have a great time. He even offered to help pay for the hotel.

[starsandskyx2]

42 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

What happened with the guy you were dating in your previous thread?   Did he get fed up with your co-parenting arrangement?

 

Good memory! Ugh. Don't get me started...he is still in my life. I have tried to cut ties with him more times than I can count. He is obsessive and psychotic. Nothing I do or say can convince him to leave but that's a whole other can of worms. I'm more focused on my kids at the moment and making sure my coparenting relationship is stable.

[starsandskyx2]

38 minutes ago, basil67 said:

With reference to your title asking if this is "risky"....you know him better than we do.  What risks are you concerned about?   

Do you think he might get into your bed?  Or you'll fall in love again?  Or that the kids will be confused?  Or that money will get confusing?   

I do not think my ex would try to make any moves on me. While he does get a little flirty from time to time, we still remain very respectful of boundaries. I don't think I ever fully "fell out of love" - I have simply learned to accept that this is what it is and learned to be okay with reality. I guess there isn't anything "risky" but this will be the closest we will be in over 2 years. The last time I slept in the same room with him was 2 years ago so....I'm sure it will be awkward.

[happyhorizons]

3 minutes ago, starsandskyx2 said:

Good memory! Ugh. Don't get me started...he is still in my life. I have tried to cut ties with him more times than I can count. He is obsessive and psychotic. Nothing I do or say can convince him to leave but that's a whole other can of worms. I'm more focused on my kids at the moment and making sure my coparenting relationship is stable.

OP, you are in a difficult position but you seem to have wonderful and optimistic outlook. I hope the trip is a great deal of fun.

[starsandskyx2]

7 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

OP, you are in a difficult position but you seem to have wonderful and optimistic outlook. I hope the trip is a great deal of fun.

Thank you so much.  I appreciate it. I'm sure it will be. How could we not be happy at the happiest place on earth?

[happyhorizons]

Just now, starsandskyx2 said:

Thank you so much.  I appreciate it. I'm sure it will be. How could we not be happy at the happiest place on earth?

Very good point….😊😊

[ExpatInItaly]

20 hours ago, starsandskyx2 said:

Is this risky

Risky in terms of what, exactly?

That you will get false hope of a reconciliation? 

[tzorno]

I understand where your coming from.  My girlfriend (51) had kids later in life (18 year old son and 15 year old daughter).  Anyways, the ex husband and they do everything together.  School functions, vacations, etc,,,.  Its as if they are still a family except for the intimate part.  My girlfriend gets fedup with the situation and recently told the kids that it has to stop.  I believe the kids have benefitted from that dynamics though and thats the most important thing.  I get along well with the ex husband, but must admit that its taxing sometimes.  An example would be going to one of her sons school plays.  The seating arrangement was the ex husband, the girlfriend, and me.  Its akward to say the least.  The kids perspective is that they like the family time, but never want their mother and father to get back together again.  Its been hard,,,,,for me.  The kids stay with their mom through the week and the ex on weekends.  They also are involved in everything imagineable so time with her is hard to achieve.  I'm all for being civil with your ex and i'm a patient person, but boundaries need to be set.  

My advice to you is to enjoy the vacation and hopefully all goes smooth, but don't make a habit out of it because it makes it that much harder to move on.

[happyhorizons]

A great way to look at it is that you are doing this for your kids. 

[starsandskyx2]

45 minutes ago, tzorno said:

I understand where your coming from.  My girlfriend (51) had kids later in life (18 year old son and 15 year old daughter).  Anyways, the ex husband and they do everything together.  School functions, vacations, etc,,,.  Its as if they are still a family except for the intimate part.  My girlfriend gets fedup with the situation and recently told the kids that it has to stop.  I believe the kids have benefitted from that dynamics though and thats the most important thing.  I get along well with the ex husband, but must admit that its taxing sometimes.  An example would be going to one of her sons school plays.  The seating arrangement was the ex husband, the girlfriend, and me.  Its akward to say the least.  The kids perspective is that they like the family time, but never want their mother and father to get back together again.  Its been hard,,,,,for me.  The kids stay with their mom through the week and the ex on weekends.  They also are involved in everything imagineable so time with her is hard to achieve.  I'm all for being civil with your ex and i'm a patient person, but boundaries need to be set.  

My advice to you is to enjoy the vacation and hopefully all goes smooth, but don't make a habit out of it because it makes it that much harder to move on.

Hey!!! YOU LITERALLY DESCRIBED MY COPARENTING DYNAMIC DOWN TO A T!!!! Wow! Reading your comment was like taking a look at my own life! That is exactly how it is with my ex!

We do so much together except for the intimacy part! We meet up for our kids for every tiny thing. My kids also do a lot - swimming class, dance class, gymnastics class, soccer class....we meet up during the week for every single one. We go to school events and functions together. Now we will be going on our first trip. I also have my kids throughout the week and my ex gets the kids on all weekends.

I gotta say....big, big kudos to you. I'm sure it isn't easy at all on your end but you sound extremely patient, mature, understanding, and selfless about it. I respect you so much for it. The guy I have been dating (and have been trying to cut ties with) is the opposite of you and is extremely jealous, reactive, and disrespectful towards my ex. We often argue and he gets mad that I defend my ex for just existing and being there for the kids. I hope to find a future partner with your attitude one day.

Thank you for adding the part that the kids benefitted from this arrangement because I think mine will as well. My kids love both their dad and I...but they prefer me and don't care for us to be together. After events, they always say they wanna go back to "mommy's house" and have never cared to ask for us to live together or why we don't. So I think we will be ok.

[happyhorizons]

13 minutes ago, starsandskyx2 said:

Hey!!! YOU LITERALLY DESCRIBED MY COPARENTING DYNAMIC DOWN TO A T!!!! Wow! Reading your comment was like taking a look at my own life! That is exactly how it is with my ex!

We do so much together except for the intimacy part! We meet up for our kids for every tiny thing. My kids also do a lot - swimming class, dance class, gymnastics class, soccer class....we meet up during the week for every single one. We go to school events and functions together. Now we will be going on our first trip. I also have my kids throughout the week and my ex gets the kids on all weekends.

I gotta say....big, big kudos to you. I'm sure it isn't easy at all on your end but you sound extremely patient, mature, understanding, and selfless about it. I respect you so much for it. The guy I have been dating (and have been trying to cut ties with) is the opposite of you and is extremely jealous, reactive, and disrespectful towards my ex. We often argue and he gets mad that I defend my ex for just existing and being there for the kids. I hope to find a future partner with your attitude one day.

Thank you for adding the part that the kids benefitted from this arrangement because I think mine will as well. My kids love both their dad and I...but they prefer me and don't care for us to be together. After events, they always say they wanna go back to "mommy's house" and have never cared to ask for us to live together or why we don't. So I think we will be ok.

Your kids are part of YOU so any man you date has got to realize that he has to  be ok with it. It’s part of the deal. These men who don’t enjoy kids and knowing go into dating a lady with kids has problems in my book. 

[starsandskyx2]

1 hour ago, happyhorizons said:

Your kids are part of YOU so any man you date has got to realize that he has to  be ok with it. It’s part of the deal. These men who don’t enjoy kids and knowing go into dating a lady with kids has problems in my book. 

So....the guy I am dating actually LOVES kids and adores my kids. It's my ex that he absolutely hates with a burning passion. He often tells me he wishes my ex didn't exist, that he wishes that my kids with my ex are his and mine. The reason I have a difficult time cutting him off is because my kids actually really adore this guy. He is great with them. They have a lot more fun with him than with their actual dad aka my ex. This guy just has way too many jealousy issues towards my ex. I don't blame him though. I know the dynamic is not for everyone and like I said, deep down, I don't think I ever will fully fall out of love with my ex. I have only learned to accept it and move forward.

[NuevoYorko]

3 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

A great way to look at it is that you are doing this for your kids. 

Except that this poster did recently post (I linked the thread) that she was in a relationship with another man but secretly hoped to get back with her ex finance (though now the new boyfriend, though still in the picture, is a psycho).  

Honestly I don't think that the kids need this kind of charade.   it's not "one big happy family," it's a family with different branches that function in different ways, and involve specific relationships with other people (like girlfriends / boyfriends).  

Seriously what kids do you know who have both father and mother at ALL their lessons?   I know zero.  And sometimes a parent drops the child off at a lesson and does not even stay and watch.  I did it.  My mother did it with me and my 3 siblings.  

OP and the kids' father are no longer in a romantic relationship, though I assume the O P would still like to be.  I don't think it's all being done "for the kids."

[starsandskyx2]

24 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Except that this poster did recently post (I linked the thread) that she was in a relationship with another man but secretly hoped to get back with her ex finance (though now the new boyfriend, though still in the picture, is a psycho).  

Honestly I don't think that the kids need this kind of charade.   it's not "one big happy family," it's a family with different branches that function in different ways, and involve specific relationships with other people (like girlfriends / boyfriends).  

Seriously what kids do you know who have both father and mother at ALL their lessons?   I know zero.  And sometimes a parent drops the child off at a lesson and does not even stay and watch.  I did it.  My mother did it with me and my 3 siblings.  

OP and the kids' father are no longer in a romantic relationship, though I assume the O P would still like to be.  I don't think it's all being done "for the kids."

You're right - it is quite ridiculous that my ex and I attend every single one of our childrens' classes together. The part you don't know is that I have told my ex that he does not need to go to the ones I bring them to on weekdays. I can do it myself. He doesn't need to be there. He INSISTS on going.

[NuevoYorko]

4 minutes ago, starsandskyx2 said:

You're right - it is quite ridiculous that my ex and I attend every single one of our childrens' classes together. The part you don't know is that I have told my ex that he does not need to go to the ones I bring them to on weekdays. I can do it myself. He doesn't need to be there. He INSISTS on going.

Do you have any say in what goes on?   Any interests of your own that you are pursuing?  

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, starsandskyx2 said:

He doesn't need to be there. He INSISTS on going.

You should tell him he doesn't need to be there or to come on his own.  It must be terribly confusing for the kids.  They need to get used to you two being separated.

Also, why are you taking your boyfriend with you to these events?

Edited June 12 by stillafool

[starsandskyx2]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You should tell him he doesn't need to be there or to come on his own.  It must be terribly confusing for the kids.  They need to get used to you two being separated.

Also, why are you taking your boyfriend with you to these events?

I don't take my boyfriend to these events. I am still deciding if I want to keep him around so I do not like to mesh him into my life too much at the moment. My boyfriend has spent time with my kids a good amount but my ex is never there when that happens.