Is it risky to go on a trip with ex-fiance and our 2 daughters and sharing a hotel room.

[starsandskyx2]

14 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Do you have any say in what goes on?   Any interests of your own that you are pursuing?  

I do have a say but I don't see anything "wrong" with my childrens' father simply wanting to be present at their classes so I let him join if he wants to. My kids honestly handle things really well. At the end of classes, they just ask "can we go back to mommy's house?" and if it's during the week, they go home with me.

[stillafool]

Why haven't you told your ex that he doesn't need to attend these events with you because they kids will get the wrong idea?

[NuevoYorko]

5 hours ago, starsandskyx2 said:

I do have a say but I don't see anything "wrong" with my childrens' father simply wanting to be present at their classes so I let him join if he wants to. My kids honestly handle things really well. 

Aren't they 4 or 5 years old?  I'm sure they are just fine with this.  The problems will happen when he gets a girlfriend or you decide to prioritize a man you are dating over spending your time with this ex fiancee of yours.   You will have confused your kids significantly.   Why isn't dad here, why is this other guy here, why weren't you there, why is that other woman coming now instead of you, etc.

There is nothing wrong or traumatizing for children to have both of their parents in their lives when the parents are not "together" in a romantic relationship anymore. There is nothing wrong with them learning how to include and embrace your ex finacee's new girlfriend or your boyfriend (if you decide to stop dating the "psycho" that is).    

But how are they supposed to understand what's going on when neither parent models for them that they have an independent life or that there is a difference between the way people behave when they are in a romantic relationship?   You are not making it "better" or easier for them.

Both parents being present for their important events is great, nice that you both get along.  But what's the problem with establishing clear boundaries that show your kids the truth of the situation - you are not "one big happy family."   Like, staying in the same hotel room is just ... weird to me.

 Frankly it still seems like you're trying to wear him down into wanting to be with you again.   It's hard to understand why you would choose this pretense of being a couple when he told you he did not love you anymore, broke off the engagement, and left you. 

Why don't you move on?

 

[starsandskyx2]

33 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Aren't they 4 or 5 years old?  I'm sure they are just fine with this.  The problems will happen when he gets a girlfriend or you decide to prioritize a man you are dating over spending your time with this ex fiancee of yours.   You will have confused your kids significantly.   Why isn't dad here, why is this other guy here, why weren't you there, why is that other woman coming now instead of you, etc.

There is nothing wrong or traumatizing for children to have both of their parents in their lives when the parents are not "together" in a romantic relationship anymore. There is nothing wrong with them learning how to include and embrace your ex finacee's new girlfriend or your boyfriend (if you decide to stop dating the "psycho" that is).    

But how are they supposed to understand what's going on when neither parent models for them that they have an independent life or that there is a difference between the way people behave when they are in a romantic relationship?   You are not making it "better" or easier for them.

Both parents being present for their important events is great, nice that you both get along.  But what's the problem with establishing clear boundaries that show your kids the truth of the situation - you are not "one big happy family."   Like, staying in the same hotel room is just ... weird to me.

 Frankly it still seems like you're trying to wear him down into wanting to be with you again.   It's hard to understand why you would choose this pretense of being a couple when he told you he did not love you anymore, broke off the engagement, and left you. 

Why don't you move on?

 

I have moved on...or I guess more so, "moved forward". I have already accepted the reality of things. I've focused on myself, my kids, my job, I've dated, spent time with friends...life is moving forward just fine. I'm not begging, pleading, trying to convince my ex to be with me. In fact, I don't show any romantic emotions towards him anymore. That doesn't mean deep down, I won't always have a very special spot for him. He will always be "the one that got away" and that's okay. Also, telling someone to "just move on" is like telling a sick person to "just don't be sick". It's not a switch that can just be shut off, unfortunately.

[Esteban]

I can share my experiences. My ex and I and our two kids did a big family vacation together in Europe in January. In some cases we slept in different rooms in the same apartment/hotel, in some cases in the same room, in some cases even in the same bed (without any sort of contact at all). The kids are older now and want their own space, and we are not going to pay for 4 separate hotel rooms, and Air B n Bs with 4 separate bedrooms are hard to find, and if there are any good ones they are not going to be cheap.

It was probably our best holiday. Everyone get on really well, and we fell out less than when we were together.

Not sure whether I'd read much into this though. Your experience could be different.

[NuevoYorko]

14 minutes ago, starsandskyx2 said:

Also, telling someone to "just move on" is like telling a sick person to "just don't be sick". It's not a switch that can just be shut off, unfortunately.

I did not say "just move on;" I asked you why you do not move on?   I've been divorced, we had a child, it was a devastating experience, but moving on was crucial to my quality of life.   I'v also been effectively widowed which wrecked me, but I had to move on.  By move on, I am not talking about dating or getting married.  I am talking about separating your life from the life of this person.  Arrange your co-parenting so that you are not organizing everything so that you will be together all the time.   

It's very obvious that you are precisely NOT moving on or developing independence in your life on purpose, for reasons.  Your kids are not beneftting from this.

And - people who are "ex's" or where one is in love with the other but it's not reciprocated don't share hotel rooms, whether kids are there or not.  There are reasons.   

[tzorno]

10 hours ago, starsandskyx2 said:

Hey!!! YOU LITERALLY DESCRIBED MY COPARENTING DYNAMIC DOWN TO A T!!!! Wow! Reading your comment was like taking a look at my own life! That is exactly how it is with my ex!

We do so much together except for the intimacy part! We meet up for our kids for every tiny thing. My kids also do a lot - swimming class, dance class, gymnastics class, soccer class....we meet up during the week for every single one. We go to school events and functions together. Now we will be going on our first trip. I also have my kids throughout the week and my ex gets the kids on all weekends.

I gotta say....big, big kudos to you. I'm sure it isn't easy at all on your end but you sound extremely patient, mature, understanding, and selfless about it. I respect you so much for it. The guy I have been dating (and have been trying to cut ties with) is the opposite of you and is extremely jealous, reactive, and disrespectful towards my ex. We often argue and he gets mad that I defend my ex for just existing and being there for the kids. I hope to find a future partner with your attitude one day.

Thank you for adding the part that the kids benefitted from this arrangement because I think mine will as well. My kids love both their dad and I...but they prefer me and don't care for us to be together. After events, they always say they wanna go back to "mommy's house" and have never cared to ask for us to live together or why we don't. So I think we will be ok.

 

Thank you for the kind words and I want you to know that I don't agree with a lot of what everybody is telling you.  I see absolutely no reason why your ex and you can't be at all of your childrens functions together.  Why is that a bad thing?  Somebody said your kids will understand.  What is there to understand?  Your kids are young and they see their mom and dad getting along and being civil.  What a crime.  They already know and realize that you two are apart.  They see it every day when they are either at mom's or dad's house.  Your kids will benefit seeing the two of you getting along and not forcing stressful situations.

I also would like to clear up my previous post.  When I stated it's hard on me, that meant that I live a decent bit from my girlfriend so it's not feasible for me to be at every function her children have and that time with my girlfriend is precious and sometimes hard to obtain.  Also, when I said my girlfriend was fed up with her ex being around all the time,,,,,,that was a bit misworded.  It meant that her kids are old enough now that he doesn't need to be included in every vacation and so forth and that she wants to include me more.  They understand that and are fine with it.  I love her kids and they like me.  I like her ex and have done various things with him.  He's a nice guy and I don't feel threatened or jealous in any way.  Heck, I bought him ice cream the other day.  Lol.

Explain to your boyfriend that your ex is still a big part of your childrens life and he will be around for the functions the kids have.  He should understand that.  The vacation thing might be a hard sell for him though and even I can understand that.  My situation is a little different than yours as the girlfriends kids are older and the son likes to hang with his dad and the daughter with her mom and they don't share the same room while on vacations.  So in closing, try to be sympathetic with the boyfriend if he raises a little fuss about the vacation makeup.  I can see where that could be a little confusing to him.  Good luck and don't beat yourself up stressing about small stuff.  Lifes to short.