Things worth a try

[Herkamer]

I don't know what forum this would belong under, but here it goes.

It's tough getting into relationships nowadays. Especially if you're a man, like me, who's just an average Joe. It seems like whenever we go out into the dating realm, we end up empty handed. We find a girl we like, get along great with them, even becoming great friends. But due to circumstances, you don't end up with her, whether or not if she's into another man, or if it's a matter of resolving personal matters (like family, finances, mental health, etc). Then you move on and try to start something with another woman only to be disappointed because she wasn't all what she was cracked up to be. And they typically come to be after a friend hooks you up with one of them thinking themselves as a matchmaker or yourself thinking that there's a quality you like about that person. Then you have people closest to you, let's say your parents, trying to push you into dating that one woman THEY like because X, Y, and Z reasons when you have not shown the slightest bit of interest in them. Not because of how they look and who they are, but rather you just don't feel the connection and what those closest to you don't understand is they're actually pushing you away from the dating world as a result. And the women we like and have that connection with seem to be far off but you still care about them, and the women that are available just don't meet the criteria on what you're looking for. Most guys are pretty simple to please and we don't ask for that much. Typically, someone who's a good person, good personality, good sense of humor, responsible, accountable, hardworking, similar beliefs, takes care of their body, takes care of their health, and someone that's just pleasant to be around. Don't misunderstand when I say there are many women today who are out there that don't have much of that because we know there are, but, my goodness, there's many of them that don't make attempts. When we do find someone we're interested in, it feels like we are jumping hurdles just to start something good with them. Then when we don't end up with them and in turn go to another man who's not the most upstanding citizen, it's as if that guy has free reign to do as he pleases. Mainly because what it seems like is he's not average Joe. I can't speak from a woman's perspective, but I can see how it can be difficult. There are a lot of clingy, picky, and terrible men that are out there. So it does work both ways, but I simply spoke from a man's, and my own personal, perspective.

As I mentioned, it's tough. I get it. I'm going through the same motions as any normal person is right now (especially in the most recent turn of events in my life). I'm not going to go through the ideology of it all, but there are truths to address that I've noticed and experienced. Looks, weight, work habit, relationships with family and friends, personality, and hobbies. Just to give a brief summary of myself, I use to be 330 pounds at my absolute heaviest (and I stand at 6'2), so I was huge in an unhealthy way. My confidence was abysmal, not much motivation to do much, I dressed too awkwardly, and my only redeeming quality about me, according to others, is my persona (I'll let others judge whether or not if I'm a good person, but I try). I was in the gutter, and didn't have much to live for nor much to show for it. Back April 2019, I decided to get serious about myself and lost 80 pounds in 7 months (20 more in early 2021). After I lost my weight, I bought a new and more stylish wardrobe for myself, I was eating healthier, I developed a better relationship with my friends and family (making new friends along the way while the people I thought were exiting my life), picked up ballroom dancing, and my confidence skyrocketed. My life took one of the biggest 180 turns I've ever experienced, and wow, has it made an impact on my dating life. Truth be told, I'm single and I was never guaranteed anything. However, I also recognized that not all the women I would date would be perfect because I found that there's no such thing as the perfect human being (hard to believe, right). I started compromising on a few things, like tattoos, single mothers, divorcees, some minor differences in beliefs, not having a 100% fit body, that kind of stuff. Although still important factors for me, so long as it's not out of control, it's really not that big of a deal, so long as they're good, responsible, accountable, hardworking, and kind people. I remember, though, in one point in my heavier days I was kind of a simp, and looking back on it, it's a lot of what kept me down. Proud to say I'm no longer like that and have seen other men display this behavior in recent times, and it's hard to watch. I went through how they're acting, and there's no self respect in it at all. Even among the men you would expect to have more dignity you find this simp behavior oozing out of them. Again, I can't speak for women on their experiences, but I'd imagine you had much of the same and you have the female equivalent of a male simp.

Anyway, I didn't mean to get into the long explanations, but I hope this provides context and how it can pertain to you. Even though I'm not a woman, I can easily say for both them and men that there are things we can do to increase our chances of finding someone or, at least, going out on dates. It may sound like I'm preaching to the choir, but I hope I can sound realistic on this:

-Weight loss and body shaping: This is probably my NUMBER 1 recommendation. There's literally no wiggle room on this. Hit the gym and start dieting better. Whatever diet and workout routine you decide on MUST work for you. After that, maintain the desired weight and shape, and while you're at it, buy better clothes that fit and look good on you, which means instead of going to Walmart or Target, go to places like Kohls and Buckle. You'll have to spend a little to get a little. I get that looks aren't everything, and they're not, but, wow, do they help. Sure, don't judge a book by it's cover, but if it's not tidied up on the outside, the people you want to go near it aren't going to bite, even if the context inside the book is good. Plus, this is a way for people to see that you actually care about yourself, both as a person and with your health. Otherwise, they don't take you seriously. And if you're after that one person who has that good body and personality, but you doing nothing on your end to give them incentive to come to you, that person will never come. Why would they? Unless you're making a gigantic 6+ figure income, they will avoid you. So if you're an average income earner, like me, all you have left is what people are seeing you doing with your body. And it makes you feel better anyway because you get to do more and you accomplish something great. So even if you don't find someone right away, people will treat you with more respect because your investing more time into your own personal health, so don't write this off. Your work habits will improve because you're setting goals for yourself, and hence, you will want to work harder. And as a result, your confidence will be elevated to new heights.

-Spending more time with family and friends: It's important to have a life of your own and have people around you can spend it with. Making that one person the center of your universe is a terrible idea because that person can potentially be a disaster. Holding out for that person is a bad idea because they may never come, even if you had accomplished the above. Whatever the case, having people who are not romantic interests you can spend time with is important because it shows that you have people that see you as a good friend and a loving member of the family. It's good to have those strong bonds because if that one person does come around and wants to spend time with you, they can see that you're more fun and interesting to be around. And it gives them a chance to get to know who you are. So when you make the people who are already close to you a priority, it shows the better side of you. And it's the right thing to do anyway because even if you don't end up with that one person, you will have others there that care about you. And who knows? Maybe one of those close friends might end up being the one you end up with.

-Readjusting preferences: So this one's spicier but I'll do my best. Don't expect the perfect model. They don't exist. However, there a couple things to look at. If they're single parents, how many kids do they have with how many partners? If they have tattoos, how many do they have, where are they located, and what kind of imagery do they have on them? If they don't have professional athlete bodies, are they working out and maintaining a healthy body weight? How old are they, and are they too old or young? These may seem shallow in hindsight and maybe too picky, but I guess what it comes down to is are they good enough people in your life that you can connect with. At the same time, you have to be able to like them as people and by what your seeing. I'd say the only real non-factor is their income. In the end, who cares, so long as they're taking care of themselves (bills, living, taxes, etc)? Living situation today is a tough one because of the economy, but if they happen to live at home but are working, paying their bills, helping out around the house and their parents, and are actively trying save up for a place of their own, again, who cares? The only time when income matters is when they're NOT working and they're NOT helping around the house. Other than that (and making an income where they can support themselves), money shouldn't be an issue, regardless if they make more than you or not. It'll ultimately come down to the individual themselves. Me personally, so long as they're in good enough shape physically, the tattoo(s) aren't too glaring, they're 10 years within my age (older or younger, with some wiggle room), they have only 1 kid (assuming if they're a single mother) and not screwing around with other men, they're working, and they're overall a good responsible person, that's what matters to me. Hopefully, the things I mentioned in this section helps without stepping on too many toes.

-Hobbies: As odd as it sounds, this one's also very important. Having something to do with your free time will help show more of yourself. Going out to the bars, restaurants, and clubbing aren't what I call hobbies (let alone good ones). There's plenty of stuff out there to do that are enjoyable and helps with work habits, but I found for myself that good physical hobbies are the best. Swimming, running, bicycling, hiking, something that involves a decent physical workout helps out the most. I do ballroom dancing, and it's helped me in ways you couldn't even imagine, such as discipline, goal setting, physical training, socializing, and confidence. I'd say it helps men out more than women because it breaks down many barriers, both physical and mental. I have more female friends now than I did years ago. Heck, to take it a step further, it's helped me begin to understand and to talk to women more effectively. The people you encounter, some of the best and most passionate. On top of all that, it's fun, interactive, and you can take it anywhere. So if wanted a suggestion, that's what I'd explore. Even if it's not your cup of tea, an enjoyable and challenging physical hobby is always a good idea. You can also have stuff like painting, making models, putting together computers, so long as it's interesting and you enjoy it will get people looking your way with intrigue.

-Your future: The most important of all this is you have to do these things for YOU. Doing this requires letting go of the past and building your future. To me, that's what all this is about. If that special someone is out there, they have to know that you are establishing something for yourself. I'd like to, someday, teach my own dance lessons because, where I live, there's been a quiet wanting but waiting crowd of people who'd really love to learn. How to market it would be tough, but I know desire's there and I'm learning as much as I can from my instructors (who are professional dancers) so I can properly teach these people who want to learn. I post on social media of my competitions and showcases or at times my lessons so people know that I'm still at it. And when that time comes where people want me to teach them, I'll be ready. Already taught some friends for their first dance as husband and wife, and it was very rewarding and something I hope becomes a reality. So that foundation is important in order to really begin constructing the future you want to work towards.

Again, all this sounds like I'm preaching to the choir, but this based on my experience so take it for what it's worth. But if I had say what comes out as a result is happiness. I couldn't tell you how much more joyful I am compared to 5 years ago. When that certain someone sees you light up and enjoying yourself, it makes a world of difference. They see what the real you looks like. Sure, you may not be that wealthy, not have the supermodel looks, not have the fancy school degree and work title, nor really have the shiny things some of these other people have but all those things matter because, when you think about it, how does that make you a better person? It's mainly flash. If they happen to be wealthy, have great looks, are a doctor who graduated from a prestigious school, with a very nice home, great. If not, that's okay too. In the end, you want to live a happy life. These things listed above have worked for me and had led me to a happier life. I hope this will help someone out there too!