Love bombing.

[Kwnantia]

  Hello everyone. I am 26 years old and he is 35 years old. We met at work this year. I know for sure that he is not married, nor does he have children from another relationship. At first I could see that he was interested but because I had to be away for a month, I didn't see him again and so we didn't get to know each other much. When I went back to work, I found out from an acquaintance that he was looking for me and was saying where this girl went and that I was interested in him for a relationship. I gave an opportunity without rushing but to get to know each other more and see along the way. For 5 days now, he hasn't stopped telling me I love you, I adore you, I want to be with you, I'm attached to you, I'm going to have a serious relationship with you, I don't see anyone else but you, I don't want to rush with you, I want to I give you gifts etc. And I'm in a phase that isn't that early to say about someone you actually talked to more than 5 days?! The truth is that all this is very strange for a man of his age. He hasn't said to meet outside of work, he doesn't want to go out in our town, we only talk late at night, he says that his car has been taken in for repair and I should wait for it to be fixed in 15 days, he has told 5 colleagues that we are together even though we said that no one should know that and to be learned from those in charge. Also, he is very friendly (or should I say womanizing, I don't know) with everyone, especially the girls. He has told me several times that many girls from work talk to him on their own but that he is only interested in me and that if he flirted with them a little more, he is sure that i will have a competition. I have seen his style and I know that he also gives reason to be spoken to like that. I can see that he was looking and talking to other girls before me. Anyway, I don't know if I'm alienated by the love bombing he does or by others talking to him (as he himself tells me). I don't see him as he says about me. Neither his kisses nor his words move me. Also, I believe he is hiding a lot of things from me and about his psychology in general. One night when I called him he was starting to cry and say he's been through a lot since he was a little kid and he's not a bad person and his voice sounded like he was high on drugs or from drinking. I don't know what to do, the truth is. Now, he haven't been to work for two days because one day he left earlier and today he didn't show up and his friend and colleague sat at his post. I say to give it a chance and not to think too much but even if my instinct is really right about him and it's really strange what he's doing! And how awkward it is to work with him and tell him we're done. He had told me that if I didn't feel the same way, he wouldn't want us to work in the same position and either he or I would leave so he wouldn't see me and not be able to have me. Your comments are important to me right now. Thanks.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Kwnantia said:

I don't know what to do, the truth is.

Lady, you've come across this huge weirdo-mr-know-it-all who's all talk and no actions, who spreads it on you like you're stupid or something, and he tells you that you may need to leave your job if things don't work out..........and you don't know what to do!! ?

This is one big load of dog poo! Please don't go near this guy!

Who cares he wouldn't want you to work together? He can leave, he has no right to suggest you should or would need to leave your job. You drop him and if he looks at you the wrong way you report him to HR. 

Edited June 11 by Gaeta

[stillafool]

If he's love bombing you, but hasn't even taken you on one date, but is pledging his love for you he's full of it.  Also if he's talking to all those other girls he's love bombing them too.  You said his kisses don't move you so let him go.  He's not boyfriend material.

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, Kwnantia said:

  Hello everyone. I am 26 years old and he is 35 years old. We met at work this year. I know for sure that he is not married, nor does he have children from another relationship. At first I could see that he was interested but because I had to be away for a month, I didn't see him again and so we didn't get to know each other much. When I went back to work, I found out from an acquaintance that he was looking for me and was saying where this girl went and that I was interested in him for a relationship. I gave an opportunity without rushing but to get to know each other more and see along the way. For 5 days now, he hasn't stopped telling me I love you, I adore you, I want to be with you, I'm attached to you, I'm going to have a serious relationship with you, I don't see anyone else but you, I don't want to rush with you, I want to I give you gifts etc. And I'm in a phase that isn't that early to say about someone you actually talked to more than 5 days?! The truth is that all this is very strange for a man of his age. He hasn't said to meet outside of work, he doesn't want to go out in our town, we only talk late at night, he says that his car has been taken in for repair and I should wait for it to be fixed in 15 days, he has told 5 colleagues that we are together even though we said that no one should know that and to be learned from those in charge. Also, he is very friendly (or should I say womanizing, I don't know) with everyone, especially the girls. He has told me several times that many girls from work talk to him on their own but that he is only interested in me and that if he flirted with them a little more, he is sure that i will have a competition. I have seen his style and I know that he also gives reason to be spoken to like that. I can see that he was looking and talking to other girls before me. Anyway, I don't know if I'm alienated by the love bombing he does or by others talking to him (as he himself tells me). I don't see him as he says about me. Neither his kisses nor his words move me. Also, I believe he is hiding a lot of things from me and about his psychology in general. One night when I called him he was starting to cry and say he's been through a lot since he was a little kid and he's not a bad person and his voice sounded like he was high on drugs or from drinking. I don't know what to do, the truth is. Now, he haven't been to work for two days because one day he left earlier and today he didn't show up and his friend and colleague sat at his post. I say to give it a chance and not to think too much but even if my instinct is really right about him and it's really strange what he's doing! And how awkward it is to work with him and tell him we're done. He had told me that if I didn't feel the same way, he wouldn't want us to work in the same position and either he or I would leave so he wouldn't see me and not be able to have me. Your comments are important to me right now. Thanks.

So there's a few different possibilities here in my opinion.

In some cultures love-bombing can be seen as "normal" or even expected, so depending on where he's from this could be a factor.

He could be a player as you suspect and this is just a routine he trots out with every girl he meets.

It could also be that he's genuinely totally infatuated with you and due to the age gap and maybe confidence issues he's totally over-invested at this stage, to the point of affecting his health as you mentioned.

Whatever the case is it's not great and it's usually an attempt to control and emotionally leverage someone, almost a form of blackmail (see the comment about one of you having to leave if your thing with him ends, or the thinly veiled threat that he could have other girls if he wanted but only wants you) and not a sign of emotional maturity.

If you really like him and see him as worth it you could be honest with him and say things are moving way too fast for you and give him a chance to explain what's going on for him and what his real feelings about the relationship are. It takes a large amount of self-awareness though to get past things like this (which love-bombers often don't have) and if he's not showing that to you I wouldn't blame you for just ending it.

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, FredEire said:

In some cultures love-bombing can be seen as "normal" or even expected

I have dated men from around the world and yes some cultures love-bombing is the normal way of dating BUT these men mean business, they don't say I want to buy you gifts they actually buy you gifts, they take you out and want to show you places and want to show you off as they are so proud to have you on their arm. This man here doesn't want to meet OP outside of work and it's gonna take 15 days to have his car repair! That's a lot of BS. He could take her to a restaurant close to their work right after work so they can spend some face to face time. And all this talk about him being popular with he ladies at work....🤢

[FredEire]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I have dated men from around the world and yes some cultures love-bombing is the normal way of dating BUT these men mean business, they don't say I want to buy you gifts they actually buy you gifts, they take you out and want to show you places and want to show you off as they are so proud to have you on their arm. This man here doesn't want to meet OP outside of work and it's gonna take 15 days to have his car repair! That's a lot of BS. He could take her to a restaurant close to their work right after work so they can spend some face to face time. And all this talk about him being popular with he ladies at work....🤢

It's something I find pretty off-putting and insincere at the beginning of a relationship whatever form it's in, but that's just me.

I agree that everything about this seems inconsistent. Why would he be so strong about his feelings if he doesn't even want to go for dinner with you? The whole thing just seems like weird/erratic behaviour.

[Kwnantia]

22 minutes ago, FredEire said:

It's something I find pretty off-putting and insincere at the beginning of a relationship whatever form it's in, but that's just me.

I agree that everything about this seems inconsistent. Why would he be so strong about his feelings if he doesn't even want to go for dinner with you? The whole thing just seems like weird/erratic behaviour.

That's what I say. You say you want me and you don't wanna go out with me the next day. Only at work and late at night we would talk. And don't forget that 2 days ago when we talked on the phone, his voice seemed high as f***. I'm sure he took drugs or he was drinking a lot.

[Kwnantia]

34 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I have dated men from around the world and yes some cultures love-bombing is the normal way of dating BUT these men mean business, they don't say I want to buy you gifts they actually buy you gifts, they take you out and want to show you places and want to show you off as they are so proud to have you on their arm. This man here doesn't want to meet OP outside of work and it's gonna take 15 days to have his car repair! That's a lot of BS. He could take her to a restaurant close to their work right after work so they can spend some face to face time. And all this talk about him being popular with he ladies at work....🤢

Don't forget he was high as f*** when he told me about other girls. His voice was off. He only talks not actions. I am not his "savor". The girl that will make him forget about his mental illness. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Kwnantia said:

I'm sure he took drugs or he was drinking a lot.

You keep mentioning this.  Maybe he just love bombs women when he's high.

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, Kwnantia said:

That's what I say. You say you want me and you don't wanna go out with me the next day. Only at work and late at night we would talk. And don't forget that 2 days ago when we talked on the phone, his voice seemed high as f***. I'm sure he took drugs or he was drinking a lot.

Well the more you say the more this guy doesn't seem right in the head, and you seem to have your mind already made up.

He's probably got a lot of personal issues and thinks he needs a girl to fix his life. You just need to let him down gently it he keeps pursuing it.

[MsJayne]

5 hours ago, Kwnantia said:

He has told me several times that many girls from work talk to him on their own but that he is only interested in me and that if he flirted with them a little more, he is sure that i will have a competition.

😂 Obviously he thinks he's in big demand, which is a sure sign that's he's not. He thinks he's hot, and he thinks everyone else thinks that too. Shallow and deluded. In this scenario the best response would be to say, "Why the F would you tell me that? Are you trying to make me feel insecure or jealous before you've even started dating me? Clearly you have the emotional maturity of a ten year-old."  And then forget about him.  

[Kwnantia]

13 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

😂 Obviously he thinks he's in big demand, which is a sure sign that's he's not. He thinks he's hot, and he thinks everyone else thinks that too. Shallow and deluded. In this scenario the best response would be to say, "Why the F would you tell me that? Are you trying to make me feel insecure or jealous before you've even started dating me? Clearly you have the emotional maturity of a ten year-old."  And then forget about him.  

You are right. You don't tell a girl that thing specially when you are a 35 year old with a lot of experiences. It's very childish! Tell me that he has other options other than me. And 4-5 times I don't remember he told me about a girl who is like a model (seriously she is very beautiful) that he would have her but he lock eyes on me only. Yeahh haha okay I believe you know I almost told him! 

[Kwnantia]

40 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Well the more you say the more this guy doesn't seem right in the head, and you seem to have your mind already made up.

He's probably got a lot of personal issues and thinks he needs a girl to fix his life. You just need to let him down gently it he keeps pursuing it.

Who knows?? Maybe he thinks a right and respectful girl will disappear all his problems in his life. This is what I'm gonna do. Play it like I don't care what happen in the phone, say hi only.

[FredEire]

20 minutes ago, Kwnantia said:

Who knows?? Maybe he thinks a right and respectful girl will disappear all his problems in his life. This is what I'm gonna do. Play it like I don't care what happen in the phone, say hi only.

It sounds like he's idealising you. The stuff about other girls is just trying to get inside your head, playing hard to get.

I wouldn't ghost him or freeze him out, I think that's a bit childish also. Better to say "hey just to let you know I don't think I'm interested in anything romantically, sorry". Short and direct.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Kwnantia said:

You don't tell a girl that thing specially when you are a 35 year old with a lot of experiences.

It doesn't matter the guy's age.  They shouldn't be allowed to talk disrespectfully to you and get away with it.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Kwnantia said:

Who knows?? Maybe he thinks a right and respectful girl will disappear all his problems in his life. This is what I'm gonna do. Play it like I don't care what happen in the phone, say hi only.

No, what you should do is block him.

[Kwnantia]

10 hours ago, FredEire said:

It sounds like he's idealising you. The stuff about other girls is just trying to get inside your head, playing hard to get.

I wouldn't ghost him or freeze him out, I think that's a bit childish also. Better to say "hey just to let you know I don't think I'm interested in anything romantically, sorry". Short and direct.

Yes, he thinks I'm the perfect girl in character. He would tell me all the time that he adores that I'm quiet, caring and so down to earth. I hope it works if I tell him direct that I don't want anything with him because he has a lot of problems. Addiction, phycological etc. I hope I can get away from this unharmed and safe. 

[Goodguy05]

18 hours ago, Kwnantia said:

  Hello everyone. I am 26 years old and he is 35 years old. We met at work this year. I know for sure that he is not married, nor does he have children from another relationship. At first I could see that he was interested but because I had to be away for a month, I didn't see him again and so we didn't get to know each other much. When I went back to work, I found out from an acquaintance that he was looking for me and was saying where this girl went and that I was interested in him for a relationship. I gave an opportunity without rushing but to get to know each other more and see along the way. For 5 days now, he hasn't stopped telling me I love you, I adore you, I want to be with you, I'm attached to you, I'm going to have a serious relationship with you, I don't see anyone else but you, I don't want to rush with you, I want to I give you gifts etc. And I'm in a phase that isn't that early to say about someone you actually talked to more than 5 days?! The truth is that all this is very strange for a man of his age. He hasn't said to meet outside of work, he doesn't want to go out in our town, we only talk late at night, he says that his car has been taken in for repair and I should wait for it to be fixed in 15 days, he has told 5 colleagues that we are together even though we said that no one should know that and to be learned from those in charge. Also, he is very friendly (or should I say womanizing, I don't know) with everyone, especially the girls. He has told me several times that many girls from work talk to him on their own but that he is only interested in me and that if he flirted with them a little more, he is sure that i will have a competition. I have seen his style and I know that he also gives reason to be spoken to like that. I can see that he was looking and talking to other girls before me. Anyway, I don't know if I'm alienated by the love bombing he does or by others talking to him (as he himself tells me). I don't see him as he says about me. Neither his kisses nor his words move me. Also, I believe he is hiding a lot of things from me and about his psychology in general. One night when I called him he was starting to cry and say he's been through a lot since he was a little kid and he's not a bad person and his voice sounded like he was high on drugs or from drinking. I don't know what to do, the truth is. Now, he haven't been to work for two days because one day he left earlier and today he didn't show up and his friend and colleague sat at his post. I say to give it a chance and not to think too much but even if my instinct is really right about him and it's really strange what he's doing! And how awkward it is to work with him and tell him we're done. He had told me that if I didn't feel the same way, he wouldn't want us to work in the same position and either he or I would leave so he wouldn't see me and not be able to have me. Your comments are important to me right now. Thanks.

Reading this made me think here I am struggling to even get dates yet this guys as strange as they come and your attracted to him. What attracted you to him if I may ask was it his looks an air of mystery about his behaviour what was it? I'm curious. 

[Kwnantia]

34 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

Reading this made me think here I am struggling to even get dates yet this guys as strange as they come and your attracted to him. What attracted you to him if I may ask was it his looks an air of mystery about his behaviour what was it? I'm curious. 

But I hasn't attracted to him for his appearance. I gave him a chance to meet his character. The girl who approached me made the connection and I said to myself why I don't give a chance to learn him more. Now I wish so much I could turn back time and tell to this girl I only see him as a coworker nothing else! 

I'm the same position as you. I don't get any dates at all. Don't worry. You're not alone! Maybe for this reason I was happy to hear that someone likes me. But I wish it wasn't this kind of guy! 

[ExpatInItaly]

Just stop responding to him. 

He will find someone else to toy with. 

[Goodguy05]

42 minutes ago, Kwnantia said:

But I hasn't attracted to him for his appearance. I gave him a chance to meet his character. The girl who approached me made the connection and I said to myself why I don't give a chance to learn him more. Now I wish so much I could turn back time and tell to this girl I only see him as a coworker nothing else! 

I'm the same position as you. I don't get any dates at all. Don't worry. You're not alone! Maybe for this reason I was happy to hear that someone likes me. But I wish it wasn't this kind of guy! 

Ah I see thanks for your response..It's a real struggle I can't even find dates lol. Either they like me and I'm not into them or vice versa. Struggling even to ask this girl for a coffee I met in a Meetup wanted to message her today but hesitated which was hard to do as I didn't  wanna come across desperate as I met her 2 days ago. I honestly don't know how to approach dating these days. I been in long term relationships and had a 10 year marriage so it's not like I'm a novice lol. 

[Kwnantia]

1 hour ago, Goodguy05 said:

Ah I see thanks for your response..It's a real struggle I can't even find dates lol. Either they like me and I'm not into them or vice versa. Struggling even to ask this girl for a coffee I met in a Meetup wanted to message her today but hesitated which was hard to do as I didn't  wanna come across desperate as I met her 2 days ago. I honestly don't know how to approach dating these days. I been in long term relationships and had a 10 year marriage so it's not like I'm a novice lol. 

Me too. If I like them, they don't like and the opposite! And I'm struggling with how to speak with men. How to flirt or be romantic or make a joke. I believe this is something you need confidence to do it. And now almost everyone want hook ups not serious relationships! 

[FredEire]

49 minutes ago, Kwnantia said:

Me too. If I like them, they don't like and the opposite! And I'm struggling with how to speak with men. How to flirt or be romantic or make a joke. I believe this is something you need confidence to do it. And now almost everyone want hook ups not serious relationships! 

Hey, if it makes you feel better most of us are in the same boat. You want what you can't have, and online dating has fried many people's brains.

You have to wade through a lot of BS to find your special someone.

[Kwnantia]

Today we worked different shift. When I came, the girl(who did the connection) asked me why I don't go to see him and I tell her that I don't feel the same as him and its unfair to continue it for him. Then, she left and told him because I listen them whispering and he didn't speak to me when he saw me, he just pass in front me and was looking down. He only talked to me when he wanted to tell me about a task that was unfinished and I have to do it. But it was not necessary to tell me because I know that I have to do it. I was outside when he told me to complete the task.

[stillafool]

55 minutes ago, Kwnantia said:

Today we worked different shift. When I came, the girl(who did the connection) asked me why I don't go to see him and I tell her that I don't feel the same as him and its unfair to continue it for him. Then, she left and told him because I listen them whispering and he didn't speak to me when he saw me, he just pass in front me and was looking down. He only talked to me when he wanted to tell me about a task that was unfinished and I have to do it. But it was not necessary to tell me because I know that I have to do it. I was outside when he told me to complete the task.

It sounds like she did you a favor.  Now he knows you have no interest and you don't have to confront him with it.   You should also keep your head down when you see him so he'll know she was telling the truth.