heartbroken36 Posted June 11 Share Posted June 11 May 2023: Met a guy in a gay club on the dance floor (I’m 36, he is 26). We physically attracted straight away & started dating. Things were going well & after 6 weeks we decided to be in a monogamous relationship. He told me he struggled in the past being monogamous & that his 2 previous bf’s broke up with him because he cheated. He wanted to try it though & see what happens. I slowly started meeting his friends & I realized that he met them on Grindr, had sex with them, had gone previously on a few dates with them but they decided to be just friends. Amongst his friends, he introduced me to his best friend, a 47-year-old man, who I always had the impression he is a bad influence. This made me feel uncomfortable & I always thought that his past might create issues in the relationship. July 2023 – September 2023: There were a few times he was going out with his friends without me & he kissed people or wanted to have sex with them. He was telling me these things & he was pushing for an open relationship. I agreed to an open relationship end of September however we both agreed in boundaries to protect it. I felt comfortable with my decision because I do not believe fully in long-term monogamy & which would also give me the freedom to have fun with others too. Boundaries were: No sex with friends, no dating people, no sleepovers etc. October 2023: 1 month after he agrees to these boundaries, he is telling me he slept with a friend of his best friend, a person I knew & met previously. He apologized & he said it would not happen again. December 2023: After both having dinner at his best friend’s flat, the next morning I saw on his mobile phone that his best friend sent him pictures of him kissing his mate who was also invited & saying to my bf they were missing him (I knew in the past they had 3somes a few times with these 2). He apologized saying that this was not appropriate & that he would speak to his best friend. January 2023 – April 2023: Things were going well & we had monthly discussions about our relationship & the boundaries. No concerns & we were both happy with our agreement. At the beginning of May 2024: Some friends invited him to Gran Canaria Gay Pride but he also invited his best friend to join. I was suspicious so I stalked him on Grindr as I knew he had recently downloaded it. I was speaking to him from a fake profile & I realized he was looking for group sex with his best friend & others. I also found out he went to Gran Can on a Monday with his best friend and the others would join them on Wednesday even if he told me they would arrive on Tuesday. I spoke to him about that & he said that he was not looking to have sex with his best friend & that he was only looking to go cruising with him to the gay nude beach. I was in a mental breakdown of what happened so I told him I would break up with him because there is no trust & I'm not feeling respected in this relationship. I then blocked him from WhatsApp. 16th of May 2024: He arrived back in London & we met to discuss about what happened. He told me during this trip he broke the boundaries multiple times & only after I blocked him from WhatsApp he found a random guy & had a 3some with this guy and his best friend. He said that the guy only sucked both of them but he didn’t have any sexual interaction with his best friend. He said he does not know why he puts himself in situations where he knows he will break the boundaries, he has problematic behavior & he is too immature to meet the expectations of this relationship even if he thought he could do so. 3 weeks after the break up I am dealing with depression; I lost my sleep & my appetite & I am struggling a lot. I know what he did wasn’t right & I deserve better but I do not know why I am doing this to myself. I am still obsessed with what he is doing & struggling to move on. He posts photos with his best friend having fun & that makes me feel even worse. Let me know your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted June 11 Share Posted June 11 Don't follow him on social media, seeing what he's doing will only be depressing and make you feel desperate at not having him in your life anymore. Do whatever you need to do to make sure you don't see his posts. 3 weeks isn't very long at all, it will take more time to reconcile all your feelings and be ready to move on. But you will get there. He seems to be a very dangerous person for your emotional well-being, he's not likely to settle down and be ready for any kind of a committed relationship anytime soon, if ever. Being without him hurts, but you must realize that being with him would hurt even more. Learn whatever lesson there is to learn from the relationship (there are always lessons if we pay attention), and focus on what will bring you happiness without all the drama. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 12 Share Posted June 12 Delete and block him from all your social media. In truth, you should have ended this relationship ages ago. He's had red flags all over him from the beginning, and you have been trying very hard to be okay with them or ignore them altogether.. Don't do that to yourself. Boundaries and standards exist for a reason, and when someone shows us who they are, we need to believe them - the first time. He is not relationship material at this point in his life and you need to get to the bottom of why you tried to pretzel yourself into being okay with his inappropriate behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbroken36 Posted June 12 Author Share Posted June 12 @ExpatInItalyI also think I could have ended this relationship a long time ago. However, I always thought he would change & stayed with him because he was telling me he loved me. I have to admit that I have low self-esteem & a few insecurities & maybe that is why I accepted his inappropriate behavior. I always valued being in a relationship & I sometimes forget how amazing can be to be single as well. Maybe my background & the way I grew up fed me all these beliefs. I am trying my best to help myself so I will not make the same mistakes again in the future. Through psychotherapy, gym & other things I love doing. It; 's tricky when I said the full story to people from the outside everyone told me the same things - you should have run away earler. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbroken36 Posted June 12 Author Share Posted June 12 @FMWyou are right I need to realize that being with him would hurt even more. I hope things will get better in the future & my mood changes soon. I know he damaged my emotional well being however I am the one sad about letting him go. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 12 Share Posted June 12 3 hours ago, heartbroken36 said: I always valued being in a relationship & I sometimes forget how amazing can be to be single as well It is infinitely more amazng to be single than to be in a bad relationship, that's for sure. And this was a bad relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author heartbroken36 Posted June 12 Author Share Posted June 12 @ExpatInItalyWhen we broke up he told me he is the one to blame & his problematic behavior. He doesn't know why he puts himself in risky situations & he is very impulsive. He said however that I did things I shouldn't have done too, for example stalking him on Grindr (impersonation is illegal), blocking him from WhatsApp & having a power of control in our relationship. I feel these are things his friends said & not him. I was not feeling secure in this relationship & I always thought things are happening behind my back. And whenever I felt that I found the evidence to support it! I do not believe I was wrong in this relationship. I might have dealt with certain things not in a perfect way but the way he made me feel was the reason behind it. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 13 Share Posted June 13 At the of the day, who was more wrong isn't that relevant. What's important is that this relationship is over and you work on healing. Link to post Share on other sites
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