EmmetRemmus Posted June 12 Share Posted June 12 Im 28, and been with my gf for 4 years. We broke up on our 3rd year anniversary for 3-4 months, and got back together, and it has been 8 months since. We haven't lived together before, but now we do, for the past 4 months. We met on an app during covid. She's been in my country for 6-7 months (she's from the states) when we started dating, both of us 24. We immediately felt a crazy connection. Deep conversations, feeling like she understands me in ways no one ever understood me before. We really fell in love, and she felt very close to me very quickly, like family. She has been my first serious relationship. Ive opened up sexually with her, and for the first time in my life had sex on a regular basis (have had sex before), and just felt like in general i got it good, i remember even saying that to my friends. She has no family here, didn't know the language, and needed a lot of help in basically the first 2 years of our relationship. I started university and it took so much from me. My life was either school (which was hard) and my gf. I had nothing in between, and it drained me. She thought of breaking up with me in our year and a half, by surprise, and that hurt me and was not dealt well. After 2 years together i started questioning if to brake up with her or not, and my mental health was down really fast. After a year i managed to break up with her, which by then i needed to start taking lexapro since i was overwhelmed by the decision to break up and school. It came to a point where i went back and forth for a month or something, i felt like i went totally crazy. During our breakup, i was fine at the beginning, and then when i felt lonely or like she doesn't want me anymore (although we are apart...) i again went neroutic, and texted her, and it ended badly. After 3-4 months i got better but i couldn't let her out of my head, or more precisely, couldn't let go of making the decision if to give up on her or not. I texted her about coming back (i was a lot better) and she agreed to meet, we talked and got back together. During this whole time of texting her and thinking about it, i was also very anxious and confused. It's now been 8 months and ive been relatively fine. The lexapro is working, im progressing with life in a way. I can see that the bottom line is that i feel sometimes that something is missing, simply as that. I love her very much, but I don't feel like she understands me anymore. Im again at a point of feeling really bad. I feel really bad to break up with her again, because she really loves me, and i will feel terrible for putting her back into this again for 8 months, and then cutting it off. I will say that im trying everything to make this work. Going to therapy, couples therapy, moving in together, sharing more, she is studying my language, and we speak it. Why is it so hard to be afraid to not find anyone like her, that has so much in common with me but i still feel like something is missing? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 12 Share Posted June 12 (edited) Medication or not...that's your mental health issues making you have doubts/question your feelings. Consult with your physician about possible adjusting your medication or seek out therapy to see if that is the cause. Words of consoling or to get over it with exercise/diet activities or to discuss your feelings with her isn't going to be very productive. My mom suffers from mental illness and I've had 60 years of witnessing her behavior...I can tell with her when it happens, she starts wanting to make changes in her environment either with removing a person from her life or redecorating her house (many times lol), shopping/spending huge money, at one time it was drinking, or eating....as a way to cope with the emotions/feelings she was getting. So with that said...if you don't know this, I can see why you are confused by it...you get along wonderfully now but it doesn't "feel" right. That's what you need to look into...under a doctor's care, see if it is your medication or if you need to expand your treatment options. mental health has to be continuously kept in check. Over the course of your life you will be making changes to your medication, etc to maintain it. Edited June 12 by smackie9 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EmmetRemmus Posted June 12 Author Share Posted June 12 53 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Medication or not...that's your mental health issues making you have doubts/question your feelings. Consult with your physician about possible adjusting your medication or seek out therapy to see if that is the cause. Words of consoling or to get over it with exercise/diet activities or to discuss your feelings with her isn't going to be very productive. My mom suffers from mental illness and I've had 60 years of witnessing her behavior...I can tell with her when it happens, she starts wanting to make changes in her environment either with removing a person from her life or redecorating her house (many times lol), shopping/spending huge money, at one time it was drinking, or eating....as a way to cope with the emotions/feelings she was getting. So with that said...if you don't know this, I can see why you are confused by it...you get along wonderfully now but it doesn't "feel" right. That's what you need to look into...under a doctor's care, see if it is your medication or if you need to expand your treatment options. mental health has to be continuously kept in check. Over the course of your life you will be making changes to your medication, etc to maintain it. What are you suggesting exactly? That she is right for me, but it's my mental health? Im sure my mental health has a lot to do with what im dealing with, but i always thought it was enhancing fear. It makes complete sense that i met someone, fell in love, and then after a certain amount of time, it's gone, or not the same. I always felt like what im experiencing is completely regular, it's just that my anxiety and fears are enhancing everything. Does that make sense? Would love to understand better what you meant Link to post Share on other sites
Goodguy05 Posted June 12 Share Posted June 12 (edited) 3 hours ago, EmmetRemmus said: Im 28, and been with my gf for 4 years. We broke up on our 3rd year anniversary for 3-4 months, and got back together, and it has been 8 months since. We haven't lived together before, but now we do, for the past 4 months. We met on an app during covid. She's been in my country for 6-7 months (she's from the states) when we started dating, both of us 24. We immediately felt a crazy connection. Deep conversations, feeling like she understands me in ways no one ever understood me before. We really fell in love, and she felt very close to me very quickly, like family. She has been my first serious relationship. Ive opened up sexually with her, and for the first time in my life had sex on a regular basis (have had sex before), and just felt like in general i got it good, i remember even saying that to my friends. She has no family here, didn't know the language, and needed a lot of help in basically the first 2 years of our relationship. I started university and it took so much from me. My life was either school (which was hard) and my gf. I had nothing in between, and it drained me. She thought of breaking up with me in our year and a half, by surprise, and that hurt me and was not dealt well. After 2 years together i started questioning if to brake up with her or not, and my mental health was down really fast. After a year i managed to break up with her, which by then i needed to start taking lexapro since i was overwhelmed by the decision to break up and school. It came to a point where i went back and forth for a month or something, i felt like i went totally crazy. During our breakup, i was fine at the beginning, and then when i felt lonely or like she doesn't want me anymore (although we are apart...) i again went neroutic, and texted her, and it ended badly. After 3-4 months i got better but i couldn't let her out of my head, or more precisely, couldn't let go of making the decision if to give up on her or not. I texted her about coming back (i was a lot better) and she agreed to meet, we talked and got back together. During this whole time of texting her and thinking about it, i was also very anxious and confused. It's now been 8 months and ive been relatively fine. The lexapro is working, im progressing with life in a way. I can see that the bottom line is that i feel sometimes that something is missing, simply as that. I love her very much, but I don't feel like she understands me anymore. Im again at a point of feeling really bad. I feel really bad to break up with her again, because she really loves me, and i will feel terrible for putting her back into this again for 8 months, and then cutting it off. I will say that im trying everything to make this work. Going to therapy, couples therapy, moving in together, sharing more, she is studying my language, and we speak it. Why is it so hard to be afraid to not find anyone like her, that has so much in common with me but i still feel like something is missing? This sounds a lil unhealthy - "She has no family here, didn't know the language, and needed a lot of help in basically the first 2 years of our relationship. I started university and it took so much from me. My life was either school (which was hard) and my gf." Too much pressure no wonder your mental health took a turn. Look after your mental health first and foremost get the balance back in your life. As painful as a break up is it may just be the healthiest decision you can make in this instance. Edited June 12 by Goodguy05 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EmmetRemmus Posted June 13 Author Share Posted June 13 5 hours ago, Goodguy05 said: This sounds a lil unhealthy - "She has no family here, didn't know the language, and needed a lot of help in basically the first 2 years of our relationship. I started university and it took so much from me. My life was either school (which was hard) and my gf." Too much pressure no wonder your mental health took a turn. Look after your mental health first and foremost get the balance back in your life. As painful as a break up is it may just be the healthiest decision you can make in this instance. I have such a big fear of breaking her heart again.i initiated coming back together and then after 8 months I'm not only in the same place mentally, but doing the same thing to her. Why am i feeling like such a douche or a bad person? I know I'm not What scares me is how my perception on things changed so much. Like i just have no regard for my mental health. I learnt to deal with so much pressure and stress, that it made me forget that there's an option to feel good. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 13 Share Posted June 13 I think what smackie was trying to say above is that it’s hard to do an accurate assessment of your relationship if you are in a place where your mental health is not good - that clouds everything. Talk to your doctor, possibly change your medication, get some counselling… get yourself to a good spot and then you can decide whether your relationship is something that you have outgrown or not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted June 13 Share Posted June 13 Agree with the above advices. Don’t make any big decisions as long as your mental health isn’t in order. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EmmetRemmus Posted June 13 Author Share Posted June 13 I feel like my mental health was derailed because of the relationship, not just in general. From year 2 to 3 i went into a big confusion and feeling less love towards her, it put me on a spin if to break up or not and that's how i got to a bad place. I was better, and now when it's been 8 months and nothing is moving so much, it's worse. That's at least how i feel. I will be clear, we did broke up for 3-4 months at our 3rd anniversary, and i initiated coming back although i wasnt so sure. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 13 Share Posted June 13 20 hours ago, EmmetRemmus said: What are you suggesting exactly? That she is right for me, but it's my mental health? Im sure my mental health has a lot to do with what im dealing with, but i always thought it was enhancing fear. It makes complete sense that i met someone, fell in love, and then after a certain amount of time, it's gone, or not the same. I always felt like what im experiencing is completely regular, it's just that my anxiety and fears are enhancing everything. Does that make sense? Would love to understand better what you meant I'm saying before you ditch the lady to the street...see if it is your mental health first..try all avenues...then make a decision. What I am saying is that, you may not be aware of why you think/feel/want to end things. Yes it could be normal falling out of love....and it could be the knee jerk reaction to change your environment to cope with your emotions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author EmmetRemmus Posted June 13 Author Share Posted June 13 12 minutes ago, smackie9 said: I'm saying before you ditch the lady to the street...see if it is your mental health first..try all avenues...then make a decision. What I am saying is that, you may not be aware of why you think/feel/want to end things. Yes it could be normal falling out of love....and it could be the knee jerk reaction to change your environment to cope with your emotions. I understand what you're saying.. Again, i felt my mental health went down because of the commitment to school and the relationship. I have suffered from anxiety but not in this level before. The big thing i feel, putting aside my mental health and our history, is that although we have a lot in common, i still feel like something is missing. When we started i thought she really understands me, but now i feel like since we only speak english, she doesn't really know me in my native language, and that + the different mentalities, creates a distance in me. I feel like I have a lot of guilt bringing her back in, knowing im not so ready, and somehow breaking up again, when it was so hard for her in the first place, now experiencing it again. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 13 Share Posted June 13 1 hour ago, EmmetRemmus said: I understand what you're saying.. Again, i felt my mental health went down because of the commitment to school and the relationship. I have suffered from anxiety but not in this level before. The big thing i feel, putting aside my mental health and our history, is that although we have a lot in common, i still feel like something is missing. When we started i thought she really understands me, but now i feel like since we only speak english, she doesn't really know me in my native language, and that + the different mentalities, creates a distance in me. I feel like I have a lot of guilt bringing her back in, knowing im not so ready, and somehow breaking up again, when it was so hard for her in the first place, now experiencing it again. here's the thing...if you hang on because of how it will affect her....is that really fair to her? Breakups are just part of life. We get over it. Yes it's painful, we have to grieve, go through a process. But in the end we all move on and meet someone else. You are in no way obligated to keep her happy for the sake of the guilt you feel. Do what is right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EmmetRemmus Posted June 13 Author Share Posted June 13 2 hours ago, smackie9 said: here's the thing...if you hang on because of how it will affect her....is that really fair to her? Breakups are just part of life. We get over it. Yes it's painful, we have to grieve, go through a process. But in the end we all move on and meet someone else. You are in no way obligated to keep her happy for the sake of the guilt you feel. Do what is right. I think being in this situation and the mental state i got to, plus the reaction from my friends and family for all this confusion made me feel even worse. And i kind of feel ashamed for getting back together with someone just so i will break up with her after 8 months or so. Eventually, the right thing will happen. We will not stay together if it will not work. I feel like i need this post to feel that im not a monster or an awful person like i perceive in my head. I accept the fact that i acted in unfair ways, and im taking care of my mental health. But i need to hear that with the criticism comes also understanding and humanity. Maybe it's something i don't feel that i automatically get from my friends and family. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 14 Share Posted June 14 20 hours ago, EmmetRemmus said: And i kind of feel ashamed for getting back together with someone just so i will break up with her after 8 months or so. You were not alone in this. She made the decision to get back with a man that had dropped her. You did not 'do' anything to her, she participated to getting back with you. You won't be the first or the last couple getting back together and it's not working out. Set her free so she can move on with her life and you can take care of your mental health. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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