Whaatamidoing Posted June 14 Share Posted June 14 Hi, My original posts were looking for perspective on a number of topics during & post an affair where I was the other woman for 8 years. This ended a couple of years ago, I've got a new job and been having therapy to try and get over what in my opinion was a very toxic relationship. I got contacted out of the blue via my new work email from him. I have him blocked everywhere we used to communicate. He said he felt like he needed to say some stuff to bring closure for us both and that he just wanted half an hour of my time to talk. My initial reaction to this surprised me as i cried. I don't know what that meant but it came from nowhere and I suppose its been a long time since I've heard from him and under his own steam. A big thing for me in all of this was that in the beginning he roped me in with his good communication skills, he appeared to be clear and always talked about everything, this eventually stopped and I never understood it then and he was pretty much silent when we ended, I cried and shouted, he didn't have a lot to say back. Something i talk to my therapist about all the time is needing answers, she always tells me I will never get them so stop wasting my energy on wanting them and wondering. Anyway. After a couple of weeks of deliberation on whether this is going to make it all so much worse or whether this was opportunity to get some answers I agreed to meet. We met in a pub/bistro place half way between where we both live. Its been 2 years and he wanted to tell me the following: He missed me/us and what we had He misses working with me, we had fun and its not fun on his own He knows his behaviour was out of line but I knew he would never leave He knows I used to snoop at his computer so he didn't think he could trust me He thinks at the time we were together I was also sleeping with one of our employees (I wasnt) He told me he didn't think his porn usage when we were together was excessive He told me he slept with 4 escorts whilst we were together I mean, this is just the gist of main points that keep going around in my mind. The focus for more context was that because I looked at his computer, he couldn't trust me so thought i was sleeping with someone i spoke to on the phone a lot and he then got jealous, thought he was losing me and therefore went and slept with the prostitutes to make himself feel better. I know the advice here is probably going to be I shouldn't have agreed to see him but I did and thought I was strong enough, I am, he had no effect on me in terms of wanting him but I feel completely battered and betrayed all over again. Why would he ask to see me to deliver such news? Is it one-upmanship? Has he had the final words? I wont ever see him again and ended the visit as such but it just felt like he was hoping to manipulate me back into seeing him again and when I asked some questions he used it as an opportunity to hurt me again. Any thoughts or words of wisdom? I'm completely in a muddle. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 14 Share Posted June 14 1 hour ago, Whaatamidoing said: I got contacted out of the blue via my new work email from him. How did he get your new work email address? Yes, you are right that you never should have met with him. As you were probably told here before he can't give you closure, it has to come from you. Now you have more questions. Why do you need us to confirm that he wanted to see you to restart the relationship? At this point, after 2 years and therapy, you shouldn't care what he wants. You said this: 1 hour ago, Whaatamidoing said: A big thing for me in all of this was that in the beginning he roped me in with his good communication skills, he appeared to be clear and always talked about everything, this eventually stopped and I never understood it then and he was pretty much silent when we ended, I cried and shouted, he didn't have a lot to say back. This is you not taking responsibility for the part you played in getting YOURSELF involved in the affair. Instead, you are blaming him for your decision to enter the affair. With that mindset you could get involved in another affair just because a man has good communication skills, which a lot of them do. Has your therapist addressed this with you? If not, you need to talk about this so it doesn't happen again. I think your ex affair creep wanted another lay with you but not to start the affair back up again. As you can see that was a waste of your time and whether you admit it or not, it has set you back. That is why you're here asking these questions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 15 Share Posted June 15 (edited) 23 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said: The focus for more context was that because I looked at his computer, he couldn't trust me so thought i was sleeping with someone I hear a quote recently that made a lot of sense to me - someone is being manipulative when they try to blame you for their disrespect. That’s all he is doing here - he’s developed this story in which you are the villain, the reason why he’s behaved so badly… But it’s not real, he’s trying to manipulate you. Again. He’s got you on the string again and he’s yanking the string. Why is he doing that? Because he can… I would never suggest that it was wrong to meet with him. You have done the work and you are not about to be drawn in again. To me, this would only reaffirm my decision to leave him in my rear view mirror. What a jerk! Selfish, entitled, narcissistic, manipulative - jerk!! I mean, he slept with four escorts while in an affair with you while parading his wife around in front of you - that’s all on him. I’m proud of you, actually. You’ve truly done the work - you have come out of this smarter and stronger. You can see him for what he is and you do not chose that in your life… that’s amazing. Edited June 15 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 15 Share Posted June 15 On 6/14/2024 at 6:50 AM, Whaatamidoing said: He said he felt like he needed to say some stuff to bring closure for us both and that he just wanted half an hour of my time to talk Any thoughts or words of wisdom? I'm completely in a muddle. "Closure" can be weird and in reality closure comes from within with the passage of time. Like you, he probably has lots of emotions that go with "what you two had". Expressing these things was (probably) one way of processing his thoughts/feelings. So it may have helped give him closure. It sounds like perhaps you didn't get that and rather "old wounds were re-opened", but I suppose that is a risk one takes with agreeing to communications like this. Fortunately, the straightforward thing to do here is continue your process of detaching/moving on, as you might from any highly emotional break up. So in that sense this communication with him changes very little in practical terms. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 15 Share Posted June 15 Let's just unpack this: You're worried about the opinion of a man who cheated on his wife with you and also slept with escorts. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whaatamidoing Posted June 17 Author Share Posted June 17 (edited) Thanks for the comments. To be clear, I completely take responsibility for my part in what was. I have spent and continue to spend a long time in therapy for that and trying to grow some confidence and understanding to stop history repeating itself. My lack of self respect being a huge factor as to why I was present in this for so long. What I will say for those of you who dont seem to believe in manipulation, there are certain personality types who do falsley disguise themselves to be someone who appears to be your perfect match, your soul mate, in order to manoeuvre you into an isolated position. Looking back, this is part of what happened to me, as soon as my walls came down, he changed to be the person that was critical and subtly mean, not so obvious at first but small things, cancelling on me, making out as if id got times wrong, telling me lies so i'd feel like the mad one, maybe i misheard etc. The reason i agreed to meet was because i felt strong enough to. Unfortunately, i perhaps was not because its left me with more questions than answers. Yes he was someone who cheated and then used escorts, I am not worried about his opinions but having spent so long under his unfluence i suppose these things never fully heal. I suppose the hope was for a glimmer of the person from 10 years ago. Hoping that was the actual him not the manipulator. I am going to have to accept i will never get closure but I have heard some people get to have a last lay it out on the table and each take responsibility kind of meeting. This wasnt that. Edited June 17 by Whaatamidoing Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 17 Share Posted June 17 (edited) 2 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said: I am going to have to accept i will never get closure but I have heard some people get to have a last lay it out on the table and each take responsibility kind of meeting. This wasnt that. That is your closure. It may not be what you wanted to hear, but it’s still closure. Edited June 17 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 17 Share Posted June 17 (edited) 10 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said: there are certain personality types who do falsley disguise themselves to be someone who appears to be your perfect match Indeed there are. But your perfect match is never going to be someone who's married....or at least, stays married after recognising that you perfect for him Edited June 17 by basil67 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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