Chicken Dinner Posted June 14 Share Posted June 14 (edited) My partner does these talent night events. She invited me, so I went. I know she gets nervous before going up on stage, so I wanted to support her. I met one of her friends who she'd also invited. I don't expect to like every one of my partner's friends, or even that they will be my friends and I respect that she's got her own. But this guy I felt was really rude to me and I was perplexed as to why. I texted her about it later before I went to bed: Quote That guy was really antisocial and standoffish, it seemed to me. I smiled and waved hello to him and he just looked the other direction. I was thinking 'What is this, I’ve never even met this guy.' He didn't say a word to anybody the whole time we were sitting together. Other than that, I really liked seeing you perform again. No response to that text yet.Wonder if she's mad. When I think about it, she's had a number of friends I think are toxic in the almost two years we've been together. She had a roommate who constantly trashed their apartment and that's why she didn't re-new the lease with this person. I helped her clean up the place for the move-out inspection, but she's still keeps in contact with this 'friend'. I woulda ended it. Edited June 14 by Chicken Dinner Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted June 14 Share Posted June 14 Yeah, that sounds awkward, but you don't know at all what that guy was really thinking or feeling. He could have just been fired from a job. He could have learned recently that his mother has cancer. He could feel inferior to you. You have no idea. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 14 Share Posted June 14 (edited) I also think you've jumped the gun by assuming he was ignoring you. Maybe your girlfriend is already in bed sleeping that's why she's not replying. Why do you assume she's mad? You've been dating a little over a year, you don't have more confidence in her? Edited June 14 by Gaeta Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chicken Dinner Posted June 14 Author Share Posted June 14 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I also think you've jumped the gun by assuming he was ignoring you. He definitely was. I looked right at him and said hello and he looked away, didn't respond. Quote Why do you assume she's mad? I suppose I was technically talking s*** about one of her friends. But it bothered me and I wanted to get it out there. Quote You've been dating a little over a year, you don't have more confidence in her? I don't, it's part of my trauma. In a previous relationship I had, my partner just randomly broke up with me after six months. "It wasn't anything you did, it's just..." And never really provided an explanation. I was disappointed and confused. As a result, I am never quite secure in my relationships and always assume that one day I will be dumped with no warning again. Edited June 14 by Chicken Dinner Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chicken Dinner Posted June 14 Author Share Posted June 14 14 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: Yeah, that sounds awkward, but you don't know at all what that guy was really thinking or feeling. He could have just been fired from a job. He could have learned recently that his mother has cancer. He could feel inferior to you. You have no idea. He definitely made it awkward. I was like, Is it something I said 😐 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 14 Share Posted June 14 (edited) Better ways of doing this.....you could have pulled her aside and ask her if her friend was OK because he seemed very stand offish. Do you make him uncomfortable? etc...be empathic instead of having the focus on you. Edited June 14 by smackie9 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chicken Dinner Posted June 14 Author Share Posted June 14 (edited) 2 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Better ways of doing this.....you could have pulled her aside and ask her if her friend was OK because he seemed very stand offish. I did consider that and didn't think it would've been better or appropriate at that time: She was really nervous waiting on her turn to go on stage, and I did not want to break her focus on her performance. Edited June 14 by Chicken Dinner Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 14 Share Posted June 14 1 minute ago, Chicken Dinner said: I did consider that and didn't think it would've been better or appropriate at that time: She was really nervous waiting on her turn to go on stage, and I did not want to break her focus on her performance. Could have said it afterwards. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chicken Dinner Posted June 14 Author Share Posted June 14 (edited) 5 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Could have said it afterwards. And her friend could have been more polite or stayed home instead of being a downer. Honestly it wasn't that important to me in the moment. It was later on after I left that I started thinking "What was that about?" Edited June 14 by Chicken Dinner Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 14 Share Posted June 14 25 minutes ago, Chicken Dinner said: I did consider that and didn't think it would've been better or appropriate at that time: She was really nervous waiting on her turn to go on stage, and I did not want to break her focus on her performance. That was good thinking of you! These types of things are better not be handled by text. It would have been better to mention something on your way home or if there was no opportunity it's better mentioned during a phone call. Also, it's better to approach this from a different angle like instead of saying your friend ignored me, you can say something like did you notice your friend was different tonight. It opens the door and it's not confrontational but coming from a place of care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chicken Dinner Posted June 14 Author Share Posted June 14 19 minutes ago, Gaeta said: That was good thinking of you! These types of things are better not be handled by text. It would have been better to mention something on your way home or if there was no opportunity it's better mentioned during a phone call. Also, it's better to approach this from a different angle like instead of saying your friend ignored me, you can say something like did you notice your friend was different tonight. It opens the door and it's not confrontational but coming from a place of care. Makes sense. Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted June 14 Share Posted June 14 3 hours ago, Chicken Dinner said: I don't, it's part of my trauma. In a previous relationship I had, my partner just randomly broke up with me after six months. "It wasn't anything you did, it's just..." And never really provided an explanation. I was disappointed and confused. As a result, I am never quite secure in my relationships and always assume that one day I will be dumped with no warning again. be mindful that YOU are responsible for your feelings about this, your current girlfriend didn't make this happen or do this to you, so you can't hold her responsible to make you feel ok because of past events that aren't related to her. now the other side of this, you said this guy was "rude" to you, but also that this guy literally didn't speak to anyone else or interact with anyone else, so it sounds like all of her friends were treated the same way by this person? it sounds like this guy joined your...table? and just sat there and never spoke to or acknowledged anyone else all night? is it possible this was a complete stranger that had nothing to do with anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chicken Dinner Posted June 14 Author Share Posted June 14 (edited) 14 minutes ago, flitzanu said: it sounds like this guy joined your...table? and just sat there and never spoke to or acknowledged anyone else all night? is it possible this was a complete stranger that had nothing to do with anyone? You appear to have reading comprehensive issues. I said she knows this guy. Edited June 14 by Chicken Dinner Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted June 14 Share Posted June 14 31 minutes ago, Chicken Dinner said: You appear to have reading comprehensive issues. I said she knows this guy. Yes. But did he know you and the other folks there (apart from her)? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted June 14 Share Posted June 14 4 hours ago, Chicken Dinner said: I don't, it's part of my trauma. In a previous relationship I had, my partner just randomly broke up with me after six months. "It wasn't anything you did, it's just..." And never really provided an explanation. I was disappointed and confused. As a result, I am never quite secure in my relationships and always assume that one day I will be dumped with no warning again. Really? Hasn't that happened to every person who has ever dated? Things just don't work out after a few months because somebody wasn't "feeling it." No good explanation for that. Yep, it's confusing and disappointing but it really should not inform all your relationships going forward in your life. You would be doing yourself a favor if you got some therapy to help you leave this in the past. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 14 Share Posted June 14 7 hours ago, Chicken Dinner said: I suppose I was technically talking s*** about one of her friends. But it bothered me and I wanted to get it out there. Just because something is on our mind, it doesn't mean we should put it out there. Sometimes, it's better off to just STFU, process it internally and then let it go. This was one of those times. The only time when you really need to communicate something like this is when she's trying to organise an intimate event and you know he's on the invite list. Further, your message was really bad. You wrote about your anger at him before your pleasure in seeing her perform. And you also used about 50 words being angry about him and just 10 to congratulate her. You should have used 50 words about her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted June 14 Share Posted June 14 You smiled and waved 'Hello' to Rude Unfriendly Guy, and he ignored you. If he hung around your GF's people all night and didn't interact much, or at all, with anyone in the group you can safely assume he's got some issue going on and it's nothing to do with you. If your GF has a high tolerance for dickheads that's her choice, and you're allowed to think it's a stupid choice, but you can't tell her who to be friends with. Example, you'd end the friendship with the slob ex room-mate because you correctly perceive that the slob has zero respect for your GF, and you question why she'd be friends with someone who has no respect for her. But your GF's attitude might be that she can't live with the person but that doesn't mean they can't be friends, she doesn't take the slob's behaviour as a personal insult because the slob has no respect for anyone, not just her. Still a questionable choice of company so perhaps you should think about that and how it could impact you, (see below*). Why would your GF be mad at you for saying something about Rude Unfriendly Guy? All you did was comment on his weird behaviour. I'm wondering why your GF hadn't introduced you to him. *Your story reminded me of a partner I lived with decades ago. He would often makes friends with dickheads, and one time it was a shady-looking couple who I got a bad vibe from. They were friendly, but creepy. I told my partner I didn't like them and he told me I didn't like anyone and I should stop being so up myself. He continued to invite Shady Couple over occasionally over about a two-month period. Mrs Shady wore lashings of thick, black mascara, so it looked like she had two spiders pushed into her beady little eyes. One night, while we were at a party, our house was burgled. Among the stolen items was my Waterproof Lash Thickening mascara and an arrest was made the next day. Turned out Mr Shady was wanted in the UK for armed robbery, so he served time for our burglary and a few others he'd done, and was then deported, and Mrs Shady also got a jail term. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted June 15 Share Posted June 15 12 hours ago, basil67 said: Further, your message was really bad. You wrote about your anger at him before your pleasure in seeing her perform. And you also used about 50 words being angry about him and just 10 to congratulate her. You should have used 50 words about her. Came here to say this. Your purpose in being at the event was to see your gf perform. That should have been the focus of your message, not a petty complaint about not having been greeted warmly enough by a friend of hers, something she has no control over and that should have been left to mention at another time, if at all. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted June 15 Share Posted June 15 OP, I’m going to join those who think that you shouldn’t have sent that text, and that the text itself wasn’t very nice. I agree that you should have congratulated your GF on her performances, and left out your frustration with her friend’s behavior. You could easily wait until you meet your GF in person, and ask her why her friend seemed so unfriendly to you. You shouldn’t have accused and complained about her friend like that. I also agree that you probably need therapy, since you appear to have serious anxiety issues over something that, as stated, has happened to everyone at some point. I’ve definitely been there and I can tell you that fear of abandonment is a real disorder that ruins relationships. Furthermore, I don’t like how you replied to someone in this thread that they had reading comprehension issues. People are giving you free advice, it’s not nice to say such rude things to them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted June 15 Share Posted June 15 I honestly don't know why some random person who ignored you at a public gathering, even if they are a friend of your partner, had this much of an effect on you. The person is nothing to you, correct? Your girlfriend is not inviting them to go out with the two of you, they're not particularly important in her life. You were polite, they were a boor, who really cares. Mountain out of molehill. And definitely you let your girlfriend down by making this the centerpiece of your experience there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chicken Dinner Posted June 15 Author Share Posted June 15 (edited) 23 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: And definitely you let your girlfriend down by making this the centerpiece of your experience there. I don't agree, but whatever. I go above and before for my partner and this was one of those times. Edited June 15 by Chicken Dinner Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chicken Dinner Posted June 15 Author Share Posted June 15 (edited) On 6/15/2024 at 8:48 PM, introverted1 said: Came here to say this. Your purpose in being at the event was to see your gf perform. That should have been the focus of your message, not a petty complaint about not having been greeted warmly enough by a friend of hers, something she has no control over and that should have been left to mention at another time, if at all. It should have been, but when you show to an event and act antisocial and standoffish, you take away from everyone's good time. That's what her 'friend' did. Like, why are you even here if you're not here to have fun? I am surprised that there's not more criticism aimed this rude person, but also not surprised because the Feminists on this sub love to attack men who post. It's in the Feminists DNA. This website has a reputation: "If you're a man, be prepared to be attacked." Edited June 16 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chicken Dinner Posted June 15 Author Share Posted June 15 44 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: I honestly don't know why some random person who ignored you at a public gathering, even if they are a friend of your partner, had this much of an effect on you. The person is nothing to you, correct? Your girlfriend is not inviting them to go out with the two of you, they're not particularly important in her life. You were polite, they were a boor, who really cares. Mountain out of molehill. And definitely you let your girlfriend down by making this the centerpiece of your experience there. Why would you want to be friends with someone who is rude to your partner right in front of you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chicken Dinner Posted June 15 Author Share Posted June 15 (edited) 17 hours ago, MsJayne said: You smiled and waved 'Hello' to Rude Unfriendly Guy, and he ignored you. If he hung around your GF's people all night and didn't interact much, or at all, with anyone in the group you can safely assume he's got some issue going on and it's nothing to do with you. If your GF has a high tolerance for dickheads that's her choice, and you're allowed to think it's a stupid choice, but you can't tell her who to be friends with. Example, you'd end the friendship with the slob ex room-mate because you correctly perceive that the slob has zero respect for your GF, and you question why she'd be friends with someone who has no respect for her. But your GF's attitude might be that she can't live with the person but that doesn't mean they can't be friends, she doesn't take the slob's behaviour as a personal insult because the slob has no respect for anyone, not just her. Still a questionable choice of company so perhaps you should think about that and how it could impact you, (see below*). Why would your GF be mad at you for saying something about Rude Unfriendly Guy? All you did was comment on his weird behaviour. I'm wondering why your GF hadn't introduced you to him. *Your story reminded me of a partner I lived with decades ago. He would often makes friends with dickheads, and one time it was a shady-looking couple who I got a bad vibe from. They were friendly, but creepy. I told my partner I didn't like them and he told me I didn't like anyone and I should stop being so up myself. He continued to invite Shady Couple over occasionally over about a two-month period. Mrs Shady wore lashings of thick, black mascara, so it looked like she had two spiders pushed into her beady little eyes. One night, while we were at a party, our house was burgled. Among the stolen items was my Waterproof Lash Thickening mascara and an arrest was made the next day. Turned out Mr Shady was wanted in the UK for armed robbery, so he served time for our burglary and a few others he'd done, and was then deported, and Mrs Shady also got a jail term. Your story was informative and entertaining. Yes, her friendships with dickheads has impacted me negatively. I spent two days helping to restore the apartment after her ex-roomate trashed the place. She had moved out about a month before and the roomate was living there on her own until the lease was up. Left it trashed. There was mold caked onto the toilet, clumps of hair all over. It was gross, but I got it clean. And then when I meet this guy he turns out to be yet another questionable character who did his best to ruin the evening. I question why she'd be friends with these people. Edited June 15 by Chicken Dinner Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted June 15 Share Posted June 15 3 hours ago, Chicken Dinner said: Why would you want to be friends with someone who is rude to your partner right in front of you? I honestly would not expect any partner of mine to make such a big deal out of it. I'm friends with plenty of people who my partner doesn't care to hang out with. And vice versa. It's fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts