Family says I'm settling, I say my priorities changed.

[Pin3Hot]

Greetings. I’m hoping some married folk might understand what I’ve struggling to articulate. 
 

My girlfriend and I are both in our mid thirties, and have been together for 7yrs. Recently, some of my friends snd family started voicing concerns that both her and I are “settling” for less than we want. It’s true that we’ve never had much of a romantic relationship, and we never had lively conversations. But we have such a strong bond, that I can’t seem to explain to others. 

I know on paper we’re boring, and early on it concerned me. At that point my career was my main priority. So I figured that it probably didn’t matter if we had little to talk about because me constantly working out of state would most likely be a deal breaker. I was wrong. She definitely had a hard time with my job. So did I. However, she was the only person I’ve ever met to consider how I felt about having to be away from 120 days a year. There we times we fought about it, but she always wanted to work through it. Most importantly she trusted me when I said it won’t always be this way, but it’s what I have to do right now. 

I found a strong and supportive partner. We think about each others needs and try our best to meet those. I know it’s odd that after 7yrs we still don’t know what get each other for birthdays or Xmas, but am I wrong to say that doesn’t matter? It means so much more to me how many times she’s, on a whim, cleaned my entire house while I was at work. I never asked her to, but she knew I was stressed and wanted to do something nice. 
 

I’ve had the “magical” intensely romantic relationships, but despite all the good they never left me feeling whole. One in particular comes to mind. Every thing was exciting during those two years, even going to the grocery store was an adventure. We both loved each other, but it still felt like we were just two people in each others lives. We weren’t building anything, weren’t growing, and weren’t a partnership. Don’t get me wrong. I think we had something very special, but there wasn’t a future in it. Does this make sense? I’ve tried explaining this to my family, and they always retort with, “you just seemed happier,” or “you guys had so much chemistry.” 
 

I know that the opinions of other shouldn’t matter, but it’s starting to get to me. Are they potentially on to something, or I do I need to tell them to kick rocks?

thanks in advance 

[Gebidozo]

My life experience appears to be almost the opposite of yours. My most failed past relationships were those where either romantic or intellectual bond was lacking. To me, strong sexual chemistry, romantic feelings, being in love, as well as a good intellectual and especially spiritual connection are essential, and I can’t imagine being together forever with someone with whom I don’t have particularly strong bonds of that nature.

So yes, if I were, for some reason, compelled to marry someone I don’t have a great romantic connection with, I’d regard that not even as “settling”, but as a sure path to unhappiness and deep hurt.

I’ve never believed in the “two types” theory, that we fall in love with one type of people, but marry another type. I must have everything in one package - romance, deep conversations, mutual respect, shared values and spirituality, intellectual connection, and of course full trust and mutual support.

I’ve gone through a lot of heartbreak and painful breakups before I met the love of my life at the age of 45. I can understand that not everyone is as restless as I’ve been. Some people do get tired of the turmoils of romantic love life. Maybe your family members are more similar to me than to you, but the bottom line is that people are different. I don’t see why you need to explain yourself to anyone. This is your life and your choices. Follow the path that you deem right without fear.

[Gaeta]

I have not read anywhere you are *in love* with her? I also have not read that you're happy?

Why your family and friends are saying you're settling less than what you want...how do they know what you want? Sure they heard you say something 7 years ago but I am sure you 2 have evolved since. Did something happen recently that people started coming to you with these comments?

If you're in love and happy then tell them, that should shut them up no? If you are not 'in love' and happy then you might be setting BUT it's your right, you get to live your life the way you see fit just like your friends and family got to live their life as they saw fit. 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Pin3Hot said:

I’ve tried explaining this to my family, and they always retort with, “you just seemed happier,” or “you guys had so much chemistry.” 

My  first question is this: why is your family offering their opinions on your relationship so frequently? 

How do these conversations even start?

[mark clemson]

I've heard that relationships that are super-exciting have a tendency to burn out. Like a chemical reaction that flares up but expends all it's energy quickly. "Normal" perhaps doesn't hold up to the standard of thrill that gets set.

I've also heard that "settling" is how many families actually get made. I can't predict your future, but there's something to be said for contentment (vs. excitement) in a relationship and the chemistry of a slower burn that actual reflects normalcy. Of course every couple's different, but there's something to be considered there (and indeed it seems you are rather happy with how things are).

One irony of "waiting for perfection" (vs. "settling") is that you and the other person are both moving targets. Someone who's "perfect" for you might change (as will you) and be very NOT perfect in 10 years. Clearly you want to bet on the best horse you can, but again there's something to be said for recognizing the value of a stable partnership that actually works well in the day-to-day and perhaps has a better chance to stand the test of time as life throws its inevitable curve balls at you.

[Els]

I personally feel like there's a happy balance, and that you need both. My husband and I have been together for 16 years... and yes, while the stable, hardworking, selfless part of him is definitely the main reason, the fact that we just GET each other and have romantic feelings towards each other is a pretty big contributor as well. It makes us want to spend time together, makes our everyday lives so much happier, and makes it all feel worth it during the rough times. If I couldn't have both, at least to a reasonable degree, I'd honestly rather just be single.

But that being said, if you want to get married despite feeling nothing towards her romantically, that's your call and yours alone. Only you can weigh all the factors in the context of your individual circumstances... it isn't something that any friends or family can tell you, no matter how close they are to you.

I do have to ask you though... what would you do if, 5 years down the line when you're married with a house and possibly children, you meet someone whom you ACTUALLY feel all the romantic feelings for, in addition to liking them as a person? Would you be able to say no?

Edited June 17 by Els

[Lauriebell82]

I think your first mistake is that you are listening to too many other people's opinions and let that dictate how YOU feel about your relationship. I know it can be confusing when other's disapprove of how to live your life in a long term relationship-but hey I say if you two are happy with how you have your relationship set up then that's all that really matters! I also have been with my boyfriend for 7 years and we don't live together and live an hour apart. I get asked a lot if we are getting married and I always say no. We are both divorced and have difficult ex spouses, two kids each and neither of us really want to go down that road again. We are happy with just having a committed relationship with nothing more to it then just spending weekends, holidays, and vacations together but not sharing a living space or being married. But I think society as a whole tends to question relationships if it's "out of the norm" of what the majority of people do. They think there is something wrong or that there is some weird underlying reason for it. But sometimes there just isn't! So I say you can just detach from people's comments, politely thank them for their input but validate that you like your relationship the way it is and leave it at that. Trust me the comments will decrease when those who are noisy about your relationship realize that you guys are secure about it too!