Who should I try to date?

[Dull Tool]

Should I ask out girls I am attracted to, or ones who are "in my league" (ugly)?

[Sony12]

Try to talk with both. As you never know what someone is looking for. And honestly if you are on dating sites it doesn't really matter because a lot of people are trying to talk to others who are in many cases out of their league. 

So just talk to who you feel an attraction to and see where things go.

Edited June 15 by Sony12

[Gebidozo]

You should find girls with whom you have mutual attraction, and date them. Then the dubious question of “leagues” will fall off on its own.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Dull Tool said:

Should I ask out girls I am attracted to, or ones who are "in my league" (ugly)?

If you’re not attracted to women that are similar to you, then the problem might be one of low self-worth. You don’t like yourself, and therefore aren’t attracted to people like you. 

[Dull Tool]

49 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

If you’re not attracted to women that are similar to you, then the problem might be one of low self-worth. You don’t like yourself, and therefore aren’t attracted to people like you. 

Heh, I'm s***.  Not everyone can be great.

[Gebidozo]

13 hours ago, Dull Tool said:

Heh, I'm s***.  Not everyone can be great.

If that’s how you feel about yourself, better don’t date at all.

You can’t love and respect another person if you don’t love and respect yourself.

[Dull Tool]

39 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

If that’s how you feel about yourself, better don’t date at all.

You can’t love and respect another person if you don’t love and respect yourself.

I'm a nihilist so my relative quality doesn't matter much to me, but I realize by most standards I'm garbage. I've tried to remedy my faults, but I've been unable to change anything about myself.  It brings to mind the saying "you can't shine s***."

I guess I should just accept my situation.  But these dang ol desires and wantings torment me everyday.  It's just a weird feeling not participating in my own life.

[Gebidozo]

1 minute ago, Dull Tool said:

I'm a nihilist so my relative quality doesn't matter much to me, but I realize by most standards I'm garbage. I've tried to remedy my faults, but I've been unable to change anything about myself.  It brings to mind the saying "you can't shine s***."

I guess I should just accept my situation.  But these dang ol desires and wantings torment me everyday.  It's just a weird feeling not participating in my own life.

That saying is complete s*** when applied to human beings. The exact opposite is true. The entire human life, human history, is basically shining the s*** that we are. I think you’re forgetting that we’re all s***, not just you. And our job on this planet is to turn that s*** into gold.

By what standards are you garbage? Tell me more about yourself. What’s so horrible in you?

[Dull Tool]

6 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

By what standards are you garbage? Tell me more about yourself. What’s so horrible in you?

Eep, well you asked.  Here are some things that are 'wrong' with me: I'm fat, old (40 years old), virginal, unemployed, uneducated, perpetually depressed, misanthropic (especially misogynistic), bad social skills, lazy, autistic, self-obsessed, below average intelligence, sensitive, physically weak, impotent, perverted, suicidal, inexperienced, immature, bitter, angry, irresponsible, and have spent my lifetime failing at art, music, physical fitness and all other endeavors.  Oh and I've given up on any sort of future as hopeless and spend my time wishing I was dead.

It may sound like I'm in a really bad spot in my life, but believe me - I've always been this way!  I'm not getting better and at my age I'll simply get worse.  I'm a lost cause. 

Actually I was just wondering how people reconciled attempting to date people they are repulsed by and ignoring the people they actually desire.   I also wonder what the rules are: how much uglier and older and poorer and dumber does someone have to be before it becomes monstrous for them to desire someone beautiful, much less try to hit on them.

[Dull Tool]

@Gebidozo I suppose you're thinking of a really good reply to offer some insight. 😉

 

PS: I forget to mention I'm pretty short too.

[Gaeta]

7 hours ago, Dull Tool said:

Actually I was just wondering how people reconciled attempting to date people they are repulsed by and ignoring the people they actually desire.

That question sounds very familiar.

[Gebidozo]

Oh boy.

Ok, let’s try to make some order here.

8 hours ago, Dull Tool said:

I'm fat,

Are you morbidly obese or just a little overweight? These are very different issues.

8 hours ago, Dull Tool said:

old (40 years old)

Excuse me? I’m 48. And I’m dating a beautiful 30 year old woman. It’s never too late.

 

8 hours ago, Dull Tool said:

below average intelligence… uneducated

I don’t believe that. You have a broad vocabulary. You possess a grotesque, dark sense of humor. You just spelled many complex adjectives without a single mistake.

8 hours ago, Dull Tool said:

impotent

Are you certain? Is it a physical condition? Is it permanent? Have you seen a doctor about that? Have you tried medicine?

8 hours ago, Dull Tool said:

immature, bitter, angry, irresponsible,

None of these is what you are intrinsically. You choose to be that. Grow up and change. I used to be all these four, and I’d like to think that I’ve changed.

8 hours ago, Dull Tool said:

misanthropic (especially misogynistic),

Again, this isn’t you, this is just some crap that you choose to believe in. Throw it away like the poison that it is.

 

[Sony12]

Yeah the person making these posts doesn't sounds like someone with low intelligence or someone who has some sort of learning disability such as autism.

 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Sony12 said:

Yeah the person making these posts doesn't sounds like someone with low intelligence or someone who has some sort of learning disability such as autism.

 

Definitely not. He knows words such as “misanthropic” and “misogynistic”. Now all he needs to do is not to be that😀

[Sony12]

14 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Definitely not. He knows words such as “misanthropic” and “misogynistic”. Now all he needs to do is not to be that😀

I suspect it's just someone having a little bit of fun. You know one of those people that create a crazy story and sit back and watch the replies come in.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Sony12 said:

I suspect it's just someone having a little bit of fun. You know one of those people that create a crazy story and sit back and watch the replies come in.

I don’t know such people😳 I thought he was so poor and needed help… Maybe I’m too naive.

 

[Gaeta]

12 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I don’t know such people😳 I thought he was so poor and needed help… Maybe I’m too naive.

 

Yes we know one member who ask that same question (details differ a bit doesn't matter), with same wording, over and over again.  

Edited June 16 by Gaeta

[ExpatInItaly]

58 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Yes we know one member who ask that same question (details differ a bit doesn't matter), with same wording, over and over again.  

Agreed. 

Someone is trying to wind up posters. 

[Dull Tool]

Ah, so I'm just a troll?  People always say that when they disbelieve what I say.

Yes, I am autistic -  more specifically "on the spectrum"; ie aspergers.  It's not crippling, just an example of a disadvantage.  Primarily it effects my socializing and knowledge of "common sense."  My intelligence is below average - I've had my IQ tested.  I just happen to excel at language above all else.  If you met me you'd be annoyed at how often I'm hapless.

All I wanted to know is why ugly people don't hit on beautiful people.  It's part of common sense that alludes me.  I've hit on women that repulse me, without success, but I've never understood why it's such a social foux pa for me to try to date pretty people.  I'm 40 and ugly and poor.  If I tried to hit on a pretty 20 year old people would flip their wigs.  I realize that, I just have not the slightest idea why.

[ZA Dater]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

That question sounds very familiar.

Indeed it would seem so. 

My advice OP would be to find something to focus on in life which does make you content while you work other aspects of your life BUT work on things because you want to rather than you feel compelled to in order to date. 

You should in life aspire to what you like rather than simply accept. Great things would never be accomplished if people had the view 'that will do".

OP you also cant figure out why people do things, its a waste of time because trying to rationalise people and their actions is impossible.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Agreed. 

Someone is trying to wind up posters. 

Trust me my question has been answered more than sufficiently and I have no desire to go back there! For the sake of this post I suggest he should work on finding some sort of inner peace and improving his life slowly not to date but to simply improve it.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Dull Tool said:

I'm 40 and ugly and poor.  If I tried to hit on a pretty 20 year old people would flip their wigs.  I realize that, I just have not the slightest idea why.

It’s complicated, but the simplest version which might make sense is that’s it’s just a marketplace. But value isn’t represented by money, instead it’s represented by characteristics that are desirable.  An attractive woman in her 20s has very high “value” in the sexual marketplace. Whereas you, by your own description, have very low value in the sexual marketplace. That’s basically it. 
 

It’s important to also understand the value in the sexual marketplace has nothing to do with one’s value as a human being. Someone with a high value in the sexual marketplace isn’t a better human being than someone with a low value. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Dull Tool said:

 I'm 40 and ugly and poor.  If I tried to hit on a pretty 20 year old people would flip their wigs.  I realize that, I just have not the slightest idea why.

They would flip their wigs because the age gap comes with an imbalance of power and life experience.   Essentially, it's too easy for someone who's very young to be led astray by a person with much more experience.

There's a rough rule which suggests that not-creepy is 'half your age plus 7'.   So as you're 40, it stops being creepy when a woman is about 27.  

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, Dull Tool said:

I've never understood why it's such a social foux pa for me to try to date pretty people.  I'm 40 and ugly and poor.  If I tried to hit on a pretty 20 year old people would flip their wigs.

Maybe you hit on them in a creepy way.

Describe the process, how do you hit on women?

You see, if you come to them and say, “Hi, I’m an ugly, nihilistic misogynist who’ll never become good. So… ‘S uuuuup?”, of course any woman would run away from that.

[Dull Tool]

7 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

You should in life aspire to what you like rather than simply accept. Great things would never be accomplished if people had the view 'that will do".

OP you also cant figure out why people do things, its a waste of time because trying to rationalise people and their actions is impossible.

I think I've given up on ever getting a girlfriend or having sex.  Maybe right before I die, but... well, it's over.  Whatever it is women want, I don't have it.

Thanks for the advice on not being about to rationalize people.  It drives me crazy that so many hallowed beliefs are made via emotion rather than logic, and then I look like a monster when I don't understand or respect them.  I'm trying to accept that I will always be at opposition with the majority, and I will be demonized for that.

5 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

It’s important to also understand the value in the sexual marketplace has nothing to do with one’s value as a human being. Someone with a high value in the sexual marketplace isn’t a better human being than someone with a low value. 

Thanks for the answer.  I'm a nihilist, so I don't really believe in human beings or anything having inherent value.  I still don't get how people accept that they have to settle for a partner they are repulsed by simply out of desperation.  It's hard to imagine that being a satisfying relationship.

And I myself have tried to "settle" - understanding that I have low sexual value - but I could find no one desperate enough to settle for me.  The many failures gave me a pretty severe complex, and now I hate women too much to date them anyway.  I still really want to have sex with them, but... well, I'm far from the only dude in this conundrum!

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

They would flip their wigs because the age gap comes with an imbalance of power and life experience.   Essentially, it's too easy for someone who's very young to be led astray by a person with much more experience.

No offense, but I think that's bullshit.  I'm 40, but I've never had a girlfriend or a job or left home.  I'm more immature than most 16 year olds, and frankly I haven't changed much since I was 16.

Also, why is the assumption than an older person will lead someone younger astray?  Why is it better for two immature people to copulate?  Personally I think the age gap thing is only a problem because of the "ick" factor.  Seeing someone young with someone old grosses them out viscerally, and that's why it's actually taboo.  Why is it any of their business anyway?

58 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Maybe you hit on them in a creepy way.

Describe the process, how do you hit on women?

You see, if you come to them and say, “Hi, I’m an ugly, nihilistic misogynist who’ll never become good. So… ‘S uuuuup?”, of course any woman would run away from that.

My in real life approaches have been disastrous.  I don't socialize, so my approaching is going up to a stranger in a retail store and trying to chit chat.  My therapist told me to go to college campuses and approach women there, which as you can imagine did not go well.

Online however I've sent every manner of message you can imagine to literally thousands of women of all types (remember I'm 40 and been trying most of my life to get dates).  That was in the past though.  Nowadays online men are only allowed to talk to women after they've been pre-approved, which has yet to happen to me.  Well, I did get a few prostitutes and scammers trying to get money from me, but no actual interest.

As you can see I do have a problem with being too honest, too self deprecating, and generally over sharing.  I'd like to improve my social skills, but it's hard to do when no one will talk to me.  This board is the most socialization I've gotten in months, since my therapist dumped me.