How do I know if I'm being abused?

[Chachii]

How do I know if I’m being abused? I met this guy last test July when he visited my country. I’ve visited him twice since then and both times things didn’t go so well. On the last occasion I told him I was coming to see him but he stood me up at the airport. Just as I landed, he texted me that couldn’t come and get me. I got upset with him and told him he was unbelievable because it seemed like he was at home watching TikTok while I was calling his phone from the airport and he wouldn’t answer. He came to see me at the hotel later that day and explained that he had to work (he’s in the military but he knew he was assigned to work since the night before) and he left his phone open on TikTok at the time I called. We ended up hooking up but that was the last time I saw him. He told me would return later that night but he never did. He even came in me and when I asked him to get a plan b, he just scuffed. The next day I spent most of it finding out if he would come to see me and he kept saying that he would after he fixed a bike (he’s a mechanic also) but he never showed. I got upset again and texted him how disappointed I was about the situation but I deleted the messages because I didn’t want to fight, just spend time with him. So I just texted him good morning the day after. However, I guess he took it the wrong way because he replied with “hi” and he never responded to any of my texts or calls after that. I spent the next two weeks begging him to talk to me. Eventually he responded and we started talking again. He told me he didn’t like how I behaved, I gave him ‘fatal’ vibes and he didn’t like that I was waiting for him to come and see me rather going and exploring the country. The way we talk has changed drastically too. He told me doesn’t like greeting me good morning anymore because I say it first and his replies are mostly once or twice throughout the day. However, there have been times where we connected. We had a moment where he told me he missed me, he wanted to hold and kiss me and that he even enjoys when we are together. Yesterday, after he told about the good morning thing, he just v popped back up with kiss emoji and started talking to me like normal. I went from feeling so low to feeling high. This is how it always feels with him. It feels like a roller coaster with him. Is this abusive? Was I wrong for getting upset with him when I visited him? I repeatedly told him I was sorry because I felt bad about getting upset but I didn’t think leaving me stranded at the airport and hotel was ok.

[Gaeta]

Abuse means treating another person with violence, cruelty, hate, harm, or force .When someone causes us harm or distress. It can take many forms, ranging from disrespect to causing someone physical or mental pain.

The question is WHY do you let someone treat you this bad?? Why do you go back for more disrespect?? WHY do you have unprotected sex??? This man is toxic! he treats you like dirt so what are you waiting for to block him?

[NuevoYorko]

I don't know if you are being abused by this man but it sure seems like you are abusing YOURSELF.  You have gone to great lengths to put yourself in a place where this person treats you like crap.   I mean ... I'm sorry, but why fly to another country to be on the receiving end of this kind of behavior?  You could find someone in your neighborhood bar to treat you like you are insignificant or worse.   

What's up with this?   After all, you are responsible for yourself and for treating yourself well, watching out for your own well being.   Why are you hurting yourself?

[stillafool]

I'm surprised you had to come here to ask if you were abused by this guy.  Not really, because you invited this behavior at every turn.  When he didn't care enough about you to even pick you up from the airport, why would you award him with sex?  He didn't even want to spend time showing you around and expected you to show yourself around.  This guy doesn't care about you one bit.  Why are you putting up with this?  Have you ever had a boyfriend?  How old are you?

Edited June 15, 2024 by stillafool

[FredEire]

You should have left it when things didn't go well the first time. Debasing yourself for someone means they are just going to treat you worse and worse and at best view you as a sex toy. No good is going to come from begging someone for attention so you can get the crumbs of feeling the odd nice moment. You need to have more self-respect.

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

it sure seems like you are abusing YOURSELF.

This.

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

When he didn't care enough about you to even pick you up from the airport, why would you award him with sex? 

And this.

 

Why would you have unprotected sex with this man? 

Why would you continue to engage with him?

On a practical note:  Did you get the Plan B you needed? 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Chachii said:

It feels like a roller coaster with him. Is this abusive?

As the saying goes, you teach people how to treat you.

If you don’t like the way he treats/talks to you then you need to end the relationship. Staying around when he does not treat you with respect or consideration tells him that he can continue to do that… sure, you will complain and argue that he should change but the fact that you stay says it all…

4 hours ago, Chachii said:

We ended up hooking up

This man is not interested - if you have to pressure and cajole him into spending time with you… he is not interested. You don’t reward that behavior with sex. 

Edited June 15, 2024 by BaileyB

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

As the saying goes, you teach people how to treat you.

If you don’t like the way he treats/talks to you then you need to end the relationship. Staying around when he does not treat you with respect or consideration tells him that he can continue to do that… sure, you will complain and argue that he should change but the fact that you stay says it all…

This man is not interested - if you have to pressure and cajole him into spending time with you… he is not interested. You don’t reward that behavior with sex. 

Yes the first skill to practice is cutting things like that off early. If you continue to put up with it you will be like a moth to a flame to men who think they can do whatever they want with you with no repercussions, because they'd be right. You'll keep having the same experience over and over again. Better guys will probably feel sorry for you as there's something severely lacking in the self-esteem department and pass you by.

[Chachii]

Thank you all for your advice. I think I was conflicted because I’ve known him for a year now and whenever I distanced myself from him, out of fear that things wouldn’t work out, he wouldn’t let me go. He was the first to say I love you about 8 months in. I just figured that even though we had bad moments  he still cares. He’s become so ingrained in my life but I will try to keep my distance from him and yes, I did get the plan b.

[ShyViolet]

No, you are not being abused.  You are simply making incredibly poor choices by chasing after a man who has made it clear he doesn't care about you.  You seem to have very low self-respect and you're using poor judgment.  You need to take responsibility for your decisions and stop being involved with a man who couldn't have made it clearer that he doesn't care about you.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Chachii said:

He was the first to say I love you about 8 months in

Talk is cheap. Does he act like he loves you? No. You need to expect more from men you date. Expect love, respect, patience, understanding, consideration. This man has none of that for you.

[Alpacalia]

The minute he stood you up at the airport and didn’t even seem to care, you should have dropped him like a hot potato.

[basil67]

No, this isn't abuse.  But he's a terrible option

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Chachii said:

he wouldn’t let me go.

That’s not his decision, it’s yours.

If he does not treat you well, you end it.

3 hours ago, Chachii said:

I just figured that even though we had bad moments  he still cares.

The truth is, he gave you enough to hope that it would be more than it is and that has kept you on the line. That’s your decision. You decide whether what he has done is enough for you or not - 

And when there is a discrepancy between words and actions, you pay attention to his actions. And this guy’s actions tell you everything you need to know…

[MsJayne]

It may not be abuse yet, but it will be if you continue to entertain this guy. He's treating you like an unpaid sex worker, he'll turn up when convenient. Trust me on this, if he gave even one little hoot about you he would have turned up at the airport. Just block this person, he's a turd in the punchbowl of life. 

[NuevoYorko]

7 hours ago, Chachii said:

 whenever I distanced myself from him, out of fear that things wouldn’t work out, he wouldn’t let me go.

Sure he would.  When he stood you up at the airport you could have turned right around and went back home.   Evidently he only had enough time to spare with you for an unprotected quickie.    He was clearly ready to not even see you at all ... definitely was more than ready to let you go.  

7 hours ago, Chachii said:

 

 He’s become so ingrained in my life but I will try to keep my distance from him and yes, I did get the plan b.

How has he become ingrained in your life when you've seen him only two times since you met and both times it was a mess?   It doesn't sound like you need to "try to keep your distance" for heaven's sake.   He lives in a different country and sometimes doesn't talk to you for weeks at a time.  

Please try to be realistic, and take much better care of yourself.

[FredEire]

The fact that you let a guy treat you like something nasty on the bottom of his shoe, means that you view yourself as something nasty on the bottom of a shoe. You need to address this.

[FredEire]

8 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Sure he would.  When he stood you up at the airport you could have turned right around and went back home.   Evidently he only had enough time to spare with you for an unprotected quickie.    He was clearly ready to not even see you at all ... definitely was more than ready to let you go.  

How has he become ingrained in your life when you've seen him only two times since you met and both times it was a mess?   It doesn't sound like you need to "try to keep your distance" for heaven's sake.   He lives in a different country and sometimes doesn't talk to you for weeks at a time.  

Please try to be realistic, and take much better care of yourself.

Indeed, sounds like mental gymnastics to desperately convince herself that deep down he cares, she could change him and it could become a beautiful love story.

When all his actions say that he could give two soft shits and he's just (half) interested in busting a nut when the opportunity presents itself.

[FredEire]

2 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

This ^^. It is really sad that the OP went to so much trouble to travel to another country to meet someone who obviously holds such little regard for her.

I also wonder if this guy may be very handsome and she feels she's getting someone "out of her league", so she's prepare to justify the crappy behaviour and twist it into something reasonable in her head because of her lack of confidence.

[Chachii]

Thank you all for your feedback. I’m not making excuses but I just wanted to give some background. In my last relationship I was told that I get upset over the simplest things and my words or reactions could be harsh. I didn’t want to be that person in this instance, especially because this guy was the first person I dated since my last relationship. I’ve tried to be more understanding and reserved in my reactions but I’m learning that there’s a limit. I am working on my self confidence and self esteem though.

[stillafool]

It's one thing to not get upset over the simplest things and say harsh things and entirely different to accept blatant disrespect for yourself.  Thiis guy treated you like you were worth nothing to him and you kept going back for more.  No man is worth that.  I hope you get help for your self esteem or men are going to figure out they can walk all over you.

[ShyViolet]

45 minutes ago, Chachii said:

Thank you all for your feedback. I’m not making excuses but I just wanted to give some background. In my last relationship I was told that I get upset over the simplest things and my words or reactions could be harsh. I didn’t want to be that person in this instance, especially because this guy was the first person I dated since my last relationship.

You really need to work on developing your own judgment and knowing what's normal in a relationship and what's not.  Just because a previous boyfriend told you that you get upset over small things....... that shouldn't cause you to accept a man who blatantly treats you badly.  That makes no sense.  

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Chachii said:

In my last relationship I was told that I get upset over the simplest things and my words or reactions could be harsh.

Like what? Getting upset over socks on the floor is over reacting. A man that treats you like dirt is not something to be easy on. It's something to break up over.

I like the example that if a man treated your mom or sister that way would it be acceptable to you? If the answer is no, then it's not acceptable toward you either.

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, Chachii said:

Thank you all for your feedback. I’m not making excuses but I just wanted to give some background. In my last relationship I was told that I get upset over the simplest things and my words or reactions could be harsh. I didn’t want to be that person in this instance, especially because this guy was the first person I dated since my last relationship. I’ve tried to be more understanding and reserved in my reactions but I’m learning that there’s a limit. I am working on my self confidence and self esteem though.

So if you're blowing a gasket over small things that's something you need to work on, but accepting being treated like dirt isn't the solution.

What you want to aim for is engaged and open communication on both sides, with respect and working things out rather than bad behaviour and dramas.

What you have here is the makings of a really toxic relationship, where you berate him for how he's behaving and he rewards you by giving you more of it. But it doesn't sound like he even cares enough to get to the stage of a relationship, he just sees straightforward sex.

[BaileyB]

18 hours ago, Chachii said:

In my last relationship I was told that I get upset over the simplest things and my words or reactions could be harsh. I didn’t want to be that person in this instance, especially because this guy was the first person I dated since my last relationship. I’ve tried to be more understanding and reserved in my reactions but I’m learning that there’s a limit.

Neither extreme is healthy. 

Healthy relationships fall in the middle - you are self-regulated, kind and accepting, as you say - you don’t want to get upset over little things that don’t matter… BUT, you also have some healthy boundaries and you don’t accept this kind of disrespect. You take from this experience the knowledge that you want a man to treat you a certain way - he should be interested in spending time with you, he should consistently honour his commitments, he should not speak to you in a way that makes you feel badly (ie, he needs to take responsibility for himself and not blame you). These are all major red flags that this is a guy to be avoided, not a healthy relationship partner.