How do I know if I'm being abused?

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Chachii said:

In my last relationship I was told that I get upset over the simplest things and my words or reactions could be harsh.

Like what? Getting upset over socks on the floor is over reacting. A man that treats you like dirt is not something to be easy on. It's something to break up over.

I like the example that if a man treated your mom or sister that way would it be acceptable to you? If the answer is no, then it's not acceptable toward you either.

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, Chachii said:

Thank you all for your feedback. I’m not making excuses but I just wanted to give some background. In my last relationship I was told that I get upset over the simplest things and my words or reactions could be harsh. I didn’t want to be that person in this instance, especially because this guy was the first person I dated since my last relationship. I’ve tried to be more understanding and reserved in my reactions but I’m learning that there’s a limit. I am working on my self confidence and self esteem though.

So if you're blowing a gasket over small things that's something you need to work on, but accepting being treated like dirt isn't the solution.

What you want to aim for is engaged and open communication on both sides, with respect and working things out rather than bad behaviour and dramas.

What you have here is the makings of a really toxic relationship, where you berate him for how he's behaving and he rewards you by giving you more of it. But it doesn't sound like he even cares enough to get to the stage of a relationship, he just sees straightforward sex.

[BaileyB]

18 hours ago, Chachii said:

In my last relationship I was told that I get upset over the simplest things and my words or reactions could be harsh. I didn’t want to be that person in this instance, especially because this guy was the first person I dated since my last relationship. I’ve tried to be more understanding and reserved in my reactions but I’m learning that there’s a limit.

Neither extreme is healthy. 

Healthy relationships fall in the middle - you are self-regulated, kind and accepting, as you say - you don’t want to get upset over little things that don’t matter… BUT, you also have some healthy boundaries and you don’t accept this kind of disrespect. You take from this experience the knowledge that you want a man to treat you a certain way - he should be interested in spending time with you, he should consistently honour his commitments, he should not speak to you in a way that makes you feel badly (ie, he needs to take responsibility for himself and not blame you). These are all major red flags that this is a guy to be avoided, not a healthy relationship partner. 

[archmagus]

First thing first: You need to understand that being upset and disappointed in the situations he put you in is not wrong and does not make you abusive. You have every right to express your feelings and stand up for what you want and expect from him.

That said, the relationship you have with him is toxic and it's not good for your mental health or well-being. He's clearly taking advantage of your emotions and using them to manipulate you. He's making you feel guilty for wanting to spend time with him and not doing the same in return. This is a classic sign of an abusive relationship.

You need to take a step back and reevaluate what you want from this relationship. If you want to continue seeing him, you need to set clear boundaries and communicate your expectations clearly. If he's not willing to respect those boundaries, then it's time to walk away.

In the meantime, I would suggest no contact. This will give you some space to think clearly and not be swayed by his manipulative tactics. It will also give him a chance to think about what he wants and how he wants to proceed.

[basil67]

We've been through all this before when you were writing as ciara_love

 

[basil67]

On 6/15/2024 at 11:01 PM, Chachii said:

On the last occasion I told him I was coming to see him but he stood me up at the airport. Just as I landed, he texted me that couldn’t come and get me.

You've also misrepresented the airport situation to garner pity.  Truth is that you only told him about the visit with just a couple of weeks warning, then you did not make concrete plans for him to collect you.    And the reason he struggled was that he was working all day and then needed to make a many hour drive to collect you when tired.

A surprise can be a lovely thing but only if you know them well enough to make plans which would suit you both and to somehow clear their schedule to do the activities.  If you can't do that, work out the plans WITH them.  Make sure the plans suit both of you and then nobody gets upset about unfulfilled, unplanned expectations

Edited June 18 by basil67

[Chachii]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

You've also misrepresented the airport situation to garner pity.  Truth is that you only told him about the visit with just a couple of weeks warning, then you did not make concrete plans for him to collect you.    And the reason he struggled was that he was working all day and then needed to make a many hour drive to collect you when tired.

A surprise can be a lovely thing but only if you know them well enough to make plans which would suit you both and to somehow clear their schedule to do the activities.  If you can't do that, work out the plans WITH them.  Make sure the plans suit both of you and then nobody gets upset about unfulfilled, unplanned expectations

I did not misrepresent the situation. That is exactly what happened. I asked this guy if he wanted to see me and he said yes, come and see him. I asked him if he would be working, if not, can he pick me up from the airport? He said yes, he can. At all points of my travel I kept him updated. Before I  left the country I transited in to get to his country I informed him. Literally as my flight landed he texted me and said that he suddenly could not pick me up but he’ll see me later. Since this completely blindsided me that’s why I got upset. I even ended up paying $80 for a taxi. Only when I met him did he tell me that oh they told him yesterday (when he and I were clearly still communicating) that he had to work and that he was busy smoking weed. 
 

Please don’t twist my words into something else. 
 

Edited June 18 by Chachii

[Chachii]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

You've also misrepresented the airport situation to garner pity.  Truth is that you only told him about the visit with just a couple of weeks warning, then you did not make concrete plans for him to collect you.    And the reason he struggled was that he was working all day and then needed to make a many hour drive to collect you when tired.

A surprise can be a lovely thing but only if you know them well enough to make plans which would suit you both and to somehow clear their schedule to do the activities.  If you can't do that, work out the plans WITH them.  Make sure the plans suit both of you and then nobody gets upset about unfulfilled, unplanned expectations

I even asked him if he would be available because I didn’t want to go there when he was busy. He said he would check his schedule. This all happened when he told me that I should come to see him. Also, it’s a small island, the airport is only 20 minutes away, not hours. Worst yet, he lived 15 minutes away from where I was staying and I paid for my own flight and hotel, which was extremely expensive btw.

 

 I’ve already stopped talking to this guy because you’ve all slapped some common sense in me so no need to accuse me of making up a story.

Edited June 18 by Chachii

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Chachii said:

 I’ve already stopped talking to this guy

I'm glad to hear that. Do not let him rail you back in. Block him.

It's always best to date someone local that you can spend real time with. 

[ciara_love]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

We've been through all this before when you were writing as ciara_love

 

I am Ciara_Love and this is not my post. 

[NuevoYorko]

On 6/16/2024 at 12:01 PM, Chachii said:

Thank you all for your feedback. I’m not making excuses but I just wanted to give some background. In my last relationship I was told that I get upset over the simplest things and my words or reactions could be harsh.

Well, is that true?  If you do get upset over simple things and react harshly, it's valid criticism and a reason someone might not continue to see you.

What does that have to do with your choice to go "all out" to be with a man who basically shows no interest in you or even basic respect for your time?I mean - people who agree to meet a stranger don't just stand them up at the last minute, much less someone they are supposedly in a romantic relationship with.