Why did he go from friendly to off-ish?

[em2001ily]

I don't know where to ask this, but it's been playing on my mind.
Basically, I'm a woman in her late 20s and I've been renting a house from a couple in their late 40s.

Since I moved in, the husband has always been very friendly and chatty - I figured it's just his personality. He is slightly offbeat, but not too much. For example, he'll often randomly be reminded of something, e.g. a scene in a book or an anecdote from his home life as a kid, how difficult his parents were/are, and he'll go off on a tangent talking about it. As he's a nice man, so I've shown interest and asked him about these things, rather than 'shutting him down'. 

Roughly about once a month/every six weeks he'll turn up at the house to fix something (it's a London property - things break a lot!). He's always very chatty, and always asks lots of questions about what I'm doing, seems very interested..... We text back-and-forth occasionally, always house or rent related, but sometimes with a bit of small talk thrown in. For example, when I didn't get my graduate job, he responded with a huge angry face emoji about the company not hiring me. 

When I first moved in, he told me that this bleach we use would burn through my dress...and he kept smiling...I asked, a bit puzzled, 'is it really that strong?', with a smirk, and he didn't say anything he just carried on grinning...Sometimes he stares at me quite intensely, and smiles, when I'm talking. It could just be a quirk of his?

About a month ago, I bumped into him with his wife on the street; he smiled and me and asked me where I was off to; I told him the library.....he asked me what I was reading, and stared at my face really intensely for what must have been about two minutes.....he acted very surprised/interested in what I was saying ('oh my goodness, really, you're still studying that? What else is on the course these days?'). His wife started stroking his shoulder/arm, but he seemingly paid no attention and just carried on staring at me...He did eventually turn around to his wife and make a comment, along the lines of, 'oh, Joseph does a similar degree at X uni'. 

Last month, he came to repair something which took a good few hours, and as I was in, I was talking to him for most of that time, about jobs, our parents, things we wished we'd done careers-wise, books/films we like ...etc.  He acts as though he knows me a little (I suppose he does - or is beginning to...), and told me about some things he knew I'd be interested in (his mother did an English literature degree at the same university I do, for instance). He also said, as one of the corridors in our house is very narrow, "it's a wonder anyone except you can even walk through this space....it only looks like there's space for one of you!", presumably referring to how slim I am (well, my waist, anyway....I have hips!). He told me not to worry about finding accommodation next year, when I will be on a grad scheme and not a student anymore - he promised to help me find somewhere, and not to worry, which I thought was very kind. He said he wouldn't take away my security deposit for breaking a vase, either - although in fairness, the vase was a cheap thing from Ikea!

However, when I saw him earlier this week, he seemed a bit off with me, and he'd obviously, actively tried to avoid me. A rather large parcel had arrived for him, and he promised he'd collect it. I was in my room, and my housemate, a guy, was in the kitchen. I stayed in my room, expecting the landlord to pop in and collect this large parcel (we don't have a proper foyer/corridor). However, he walked through the house, into the kitchen, quietly asked my housemate, a guy, if I was in, then just left the house without stopping to say hi as he normally would. 
As the estate agent's office is on the next street, and I knew he was likely heading there, I called him to ask if he'd forgotten the parcel. He replied and five minutes later he came back, but instead of stopping and talking to me, as normal, he seemed to want to leave. "Well, I must be getting on...I'm already behind today with work....". His wife was waiting outside as I glimpsed her from the window.


I found him avoiding me odd, and it made me worry whether he now, for some bizarre reason, doesn't like me and will become a difficult landlord, rather than a friendly one?
Any thoughts?
 

[Alpacalia]

He's married. Move on.

[em2001ily]

37 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

He's married. Move on.

I'm not interested in him, did you not read the question?

[basil67]

54 minutes ago, em2001ily said:

Last month, he came to repair something which took a good few hours, and as I was in, I was talking to him for most of that time, about jobs, our parents, things we wished we'd done careers-wise, books/films we like ...etc.

I'm not surprised it took a good few hours with all that talking going on.  When someone comes to the house (landlord, repairman) it's fine to greet them in a friendly manner but then go away and let them do their job.   As it so happens, my former neighbour is a builder and has done renovations and repairs for us.  We would socialise with them, having BBQs, and kids play together, but I would never have dreamed of talking to him most of the time he's working. 

My guess is that he's trying to re-establish boundaries.  Boundaries where he's the landlord and you're the tenant.  Say "hi" to him when you see him, but pull back on all the conversation.   If he's fixing stuff in your home, let him in, show him the problem and just say "I'll leave you to it"

Edited June 16 by basil67

[ShyViolet]

Maybe he was not feeling well.  Maybe he had just gotten some bad news.  Maybe his wife told him to stop acting flirtatious with you.  In any case I think you're really overanalyzing this.  A landlord is a landlord, you don't need to always be socializing with them.  And I see no reason to jump to the conclusion that he is going to become a difficult landlord, just because he didn't socialize with you on one occasion.

[MsJayne]

Could be one of many reasons, but it doesn't matter, he was being over-friendly. Offering to help you secure accommodation in the future may be well-intentioned, but this is something most people would only do for a close friend. When people, particularly men, are this friendly towards women I find it interesting that this friendliness doesn't usually extend to unattractive women, only the good-looking ones. If you were built like a womble and had a face like a bus-crash I doubt he'd be so chummy. My guess is his wife told him to stop finding so many repairs to do. 

Edited June 16 by MsJayne

[stillafool]

His wife may have told him his actions around you are inappropriate.  I do think the 3 hours talking to him when he's there to work in highly inappropriate.  I don't get  friendly with married men without being friendly with their wives too. I think it's interesting that you care enough to bring this to a forum.  Are you dating anyone?

[happyhorizons]

On 6/15/2024 at 10:10 PM, MsJayne said:

Could be one of many reasons, but it doesn't matter, he was being over-friendly. Offering to help you secure accommodation in the future may be well-intentioned, but this is something most people would only do for a close friend. When people, particularly men, are this friendly towards women I find it interesting that this friendliness doesn't usually extend to unattractive women, only the good-looking ones. If you were built like a womble and had a face like a bus-crash I doubt he'd be so chummy. My guess is his wife told him to stop finding so many repairs to do. 

So, it's NOT OK to help an attractive lady?  Maybe, the man genuinely want to help the OP and enjoys her company for NON-romantic reasons.

[Alpacalia]

27 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

So, it's NOT OK to help an attractive lady?  Maybe, the man genuinely want to help the OP and enjoys her company for NON-romantic reasons.

Doubtful.

[NuevoYorko]

57 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

So, it's NOT OK to help an attractive lady?  Maybe, the man genuinely want to help the OP and enjoys her company for NON-romantic reasons.

Did you happen to read the OP about all the long minutes of intense staring, commentary about her exceptionally slim waist, and the "smirking" over strong bleach resulting in future holes in her dresses?  

[ExpatInItaly]

On 6/16/2024 at 4:03 AM, em2001ily said:

I'm not interested in him, did you not read the question?

Girl, you lyin'. 

[MsJayne]

5 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

So, it's NOT OK to help an attractive lady?  Maybe, the man genuinely want to help the OP and enjoys her company for NON-romantic reasons.

Of course it's OK to help an attractive woman if the intent is all innocent, but OP's post gives the impression that his conversation can be a bit suggestive, so we can all read into that what we will  .  

[em2001ily]

On 6/17/2024 at 8:04 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Girl, you lyin'. 

I'm not interested in trying to pursue anything, genuinely - he is married. I just wondered why his behaviour changed.

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, em2001ily said:

I'm not interested in trying to pursue anything, genuinely - he is married. I just wondered why his behaviour changed.

Um ... maybe he realized that flirting with a woman who's his tenant is a pretty dumb idea?   Especially when he got the idea that you were taking him seriously.

You probably could have come up with that by yourself ...   

Speaking of "thinking," I seriously suggest that if YOU THINK a married man who is in your home for professional reasons starts staring at you for minutes without looking away or making comments about your dress burning off or your exceptionally slim waist, you put the kibosh on that REALLY FAST.  

And, generally speaking, if a married guy is making creepy moves like that towards you and you're not interested in messing around with said married guy, stop encouraging and engaging with the behavior.   

Of course it's possible that you were imagining the suggestive things and in fact the guy is just friendly and engaged with his tenants whether they are pretty young women or old grannies or dudes.   Even if that were the case, he definitely thought better of it.

Edited June 20 by NuevoYorko

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, em2001ily said:

I'm not interested in trying to pursue anything, genuinely - he is married. I just wondered why his behaviour changed.

You didn't answer.  Do you have a boyfriend?

[Alpacalia]

I feel you're not being truthful when you say you're not  interested in him, as your first question implies.

But for arguments sake, if you're worried that he's going to become a difficult landlord now that his behaviour has changed, the best thing to do would be to discontinue any kind of personal relationship with him and strictly stick to business matters. This should ensure a professional relationship and prevent any potential issues with your tenancy.

If his behaviour continues to be strange or if there are any issues with your tenancy, you can always contact your estate agent for assistance.

[em2001ily]

On 6/20/2024 at 1:48 AM, NuevoYorko said:

Um ... maybe he realized that flirting with a woman who's his tenant is a pretty dumb idea?   Especially when he got the idea that you were taking him seriously.

You probably could have come up with that by yourself ...   

Speaking of "thinking," I seriously suggest that if YOU THINK a married man who is in your home for professional reasons starts staring at you for minutes without looking away or making comments about your dress burning off or your exceptionally slim waist, you put the kibosh on that REALLY FAST.  

And, generally speaking, if a married guy is making creepy moves like that towards you and you're not interested in messing around with said married guy, stop encouraging and engaging with the behavior.   

Of course it's possible that you were imagining the suggestive things and in fact the guy is just friendly and engaged with his tenants whether they are pretty young women or old grannies or dudes.   Even if that were the case, he definitely thought better of it.

He got the idea I was taking him seriously? No, serious in what sense? I'm not 15 years old... . Just because he was chatting whilst at the house and we texted a few times, that doesn't make any adult get any "serious" idea. Yes he did stare but that doesn't mean anything either - even if he did think I was attractive it does NOT mean he would ever consider acting on it. I wouldn't act on it even if he did.

 

I haven't imagined anything that he's said or done....I'm not delusional. I thought that I myself was just being friendly by talking back to him. 

[em2001ily]

On 6/20/2024 at 5:02 PM, stillafool said:

You didn't answer.  Do you have a boyfriend?

I don't have a boyfriend, but I feel that's not relevant as I'm still not pursuing anything with this married guy. Just because I'm single, doesn't mean I'm interested in a married man.

[em2001ily]

On 6/17/2024 at 8:04 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Girl, you lyin'. 

No....sometimes we just want an ego boost/some flattery!!

[NuevoYorko]

42 minutes ago, em2001ily said:

I don't have a boyfriend, but I feel that's not relevant as I'm still not pursuing anything with this married guy. Just because I'm single, doesn't mean I'm interested in a married man.

I know this has been asked before - several times - maybe a dozen even:  

So, why are you invested to the point where you will write a very involved post detailing your interactions and expressing concerns about why such lovely encounters seem to have come to an end?  

Obviously you care.   

[em2001ily]

29 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I know this has been asked before - several times - maybe a dozen even:  

So, why are you invested to the point where you will write a very involved post detailing your interactions and expressing concerns about why such lovely encounters seem to have come to an end?  

Obviously you care.   

Because I liked the flattery.

[NuevoYorko]

13 minutes ago, em2001ily said:

Because I liked the flattery.

Well ... I'm sure there are a lot of other married men you can get to pay attention to you in a similar fashion. They're probably flattered by your sort of desperate flirting as well.    Since they're married, though, they will ultimately not be available for flirting with you any further.  It would get boring I imagine.

 Hopefully you won't need to start a thread about "WHY" every time that happens.   It just comes with the territory I guess.  

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, em2001ily said:

No....sometimes we just want an ego boost/some flattery!!

Why him, though?

He's a married landlord. Surely there are others that aren't connected to you with such an entangled dynamic.

Or, maybe because it feels safe to you given the dynamic?

What is it inside you that craves this particularl man's attention?

 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, em2001ily said:

Because I liked the flattery.

Why are you trying to get it from a married man?  Don't single men come on to you?

[NuevoYorko]

Perhaps there is something alluring to the op about the idea of a man who is "taken" being interested in her.  Getting attention from somebody's husband is more exciting than just dating available men who might pay attention to her.