I just found out my wife cheated 12 years later

[JustMeThatGuy]

We have been married for 18 years. The first 5 years were very hard. We loved each other and she was devoted to me. I still was in contact with an ex for those years. And I told that ex that I was not married. My wife found out about this in the first year and was very hurt. Though she was hurt. I still maintained contact with that ex. I thought because I wasn't physically cheating that it wasn't so bad. My wife explained that I was emotionally cheated. I still ignored her and kept contact for the first 5 years.

Also I was very angry for the first 5 years. Whenever we'd debate or argue I would verbally abuse her and once I actually sent her back home to our home town because I thought we shouldn't be together. Then when I started to miss her I'd ask her to come back to me.

In year 3. My wife and I had talked about bringing in another woman to join us in the bedroom. At the same time we decided to do marriage counseling. We're trying to understand why we can't get along outside the bedroom. She met a woman at her job that she had become good friends with. The friend came around often and became a friend to us. Eventually the conversation was had to invite this friend to do the threesome with us. The friend was down for the threesome. Fast forward a few months. My wife and the friend had a falling out. Their friendship was over but kept contact with the friend behind my wife's back. My contact with the friend ended up going overboard and we exchanged naked pics of each other. My wife found out about this and was devastated. I swore to her that it was just an exchange of photos. Sex was talked about but neither of us had acted on it. She didn't believe me and I don't blame her tbh. (Yes, I did this while we were still in marriage counseling.)

After that happened we were kind of just coasting for about a year and a half. Eventually we decided that we needed to separate to figure out what exactly it is that we're doing with this marriage. This separation was right at our 5 year mark. We decided she would move back home to our home State where we met. We didn't set a definite amount of time that we'd be separated and we didn't set any real terms to this separation. We just said "hey we're always fighting and I got trying to mess around with your friend so let's separate."

We were separated for 1 year. During that year I would fly in to see her for most holidays. We'd hang out, laugh, have great sex and also we'd still argue at times. Also, while separated I had almost no communication with women. I got a girls phone number and met her for coffee once but all I could think about was how I felt like I was cheating by being out with her. So that went nowhere. I took the time to really focus on my academics and training for work and leveled up my work position. Eventually I missed the hell out of her and she missed me so we decided to get back together.

We got back together 12 years ago. These past 12 years have been great! Each year I became I better husband and she a better wife. To the point now where we're literally best friends!

This year she has been feeling really introspective. She told me that she needs to work on herself because she has things she's done that she's not ok with. I asked her to tell me what's on her mind.

She told me that during that 4 months into our separation she started dating a guy. They dated for a couple of weeks then they started having sex. They dated and had sex 4 to 5 times over a 3 month span. On top of that she told me that she finally had her sexual experience with a woman during our separation. She had been hanging out with my female cousin who's a known bisexual woman. The two of them got drunk one night and kissed, played with each others breasts and my cousin went down on her. She said it was just that one night and her relationship with my cousin hasn't been the same since. She said the two of them have never even spoken about that night.

I don't know what to do with all of this info she has given me. I'm shocked and devastated. Like I said, during the separation i was visiting her periodically and we'd be together. So all of what she told me was happening under my nose literally. And like I said, for the last 12 years we have become best friends. How could she keep this from me for 12 years? I have so many questions. Too many questions to list here.

Sorry for the long post.
Any advice????

[Gebidozo]

When you and your wife were separated, did you promise each other to not sleep with other people? Or was it made clear that the separation meant that each one of you was free to pursue other relationships? 

If it was the second, then it wasn’t cheating. Yes, she probably should have told you about that earlier, but I can understand why she wouldn’t want to. She told you now, at least. I understand that it wasn’t pleasant to hear, but you were separated and she could do whatever she wanted with whomever she wanted.

If it was the first, well, then she cheated indeed. But you had done some very dubious things and borderline cheating yourself. You guys had serious problems, you were doing counseling, there was that whole weird threesome thing going on. But that was the past. Does she regret the cheating? Can you forgive her?

Did your wife continue sleeping with that guy or that woman after you guys got together again? 

 

[FMW]

Without replying item by item, it sounds like at the time of your separation you both had issues of fidelity, both emotional and physical.  I don't think at this point you have any high ground to hold anything against her, including her not telling you until now. 

I don't understand why she chose to tell you now, it seems that time period is not relevant to your current relationship.  There was nothing good to be gained by sharing the information at this point.

I do understand how it would be upsetting and bring up bad feelings.  However, if your relationship now is as good as you say, I think you should try and move past your upset.  You came back together for a reason, is this worth blowing it up?  It happened at a time when your relationship was hanging by a thread, in no small part because of your own actions.

 

[JustMeThatGuy]

9 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

When you and your wife were separated, did you promise each other to not sleep with other people? Or was it made clear that the separation meant that each one of you was free to pursue other relationships? 

If it was the second, then it wasn’t cheating. Yes, she probably should have told you about that earlier, but I can understand why she wouldn’t want to. She told you now, at least. I understand that it wasn’t pleasant to hear, but you were separated and she could do whatever she wanted with whomever she wanted.

If it was the first, well, then she cheated indeed. But you had done some very dubious things and borderline cheating yourself. You guys had serious problems, you were doing counseling, there was that whole weird threesome thing going on. But that was the past. Does she regret the cheating? Can you forgive her?

Did your wife continue sleeping with that guy or that woman after you guys got together again? 

 

We did neither. We didn't promise each other not to sleep other other people. Nor did we say we were free to pursue other relationships. What we did say is we need time to focus on ourselves and redirect that bad energy into something positive like higher education and bettering ourselves. We both joined academic programs right as we were separating. 

Does she regret cheating when it come to the guy? Ive asked her. Her response was she doesn't regret anything in life. Everything happens for a reason. I don't know how to feel about that response. 

 

Does she regret cheating when it comes to the woman? Her response was. Yes, because that woman is my first cousin and I grew up with her.

 

Yes, I can forgive her. It'll take time and help from counseling. 

No, she did not continue. She moved to a whole different State to get back with me. 

[JustMeThatGuy]

8 hours ago, FMW said:

Without replying item by item, it sounds like at the time of your separation you both had issues of fidelity, both emotional and physical.  I don't think at this point you have any high ground to hold anything against her, including her not telling you until now. 

I don't understand why she chose to tell you now, it seems that time period is not relevant to your current relationship.  There was nothing good to be gained by sharing the information at this point.

I do understand how it would be upsetting and bring up bad feelings.  However, if your relationship now is as good as you say, I think you should try and move past your upset.  You came back together for a reason, is this worth blowing it up?  It happened at a time when your relationship was hanging by a thread, in no small part because of your own actions.

 

I understand you not understanding why she told me now. But you have to understand that some people feel that secrets aren't a good thing at all. I believe she knew that our separation was not supposed to be about us finding others. Like I said, I would fly in to visit her periodically while we were separated. So she was technically sleeping with me, him and her around relatively the same time.

 

 

Also, I am glad she at least told me that she messed with my cousin. I mean its my cousin for crying out loud. I grew up with this cousin. You think she shouldn't have told me that?

[basil67]

Your early marriage sounded toxic AF, and you certainly contributed your share of damage so I find it hard to sympathise.   It's also my view that as you were separated and she was living far away with no end in sight , she didn't owe you celibacy (and nor did you owe her).  I find it a stretch to even think it's "cheating".  But join me with the group who wonders why she told you in the first place 

I think it's worth acknowledging that a whole lot of bad stuff went down in the past, and as it's the past, you'd prefer that neither of you be raising old skeletons. 

Work with her to focus on the here and now. 

[Nellea]

It was a long time ago. You both agreed to separate at the time. Things were uncertain between you. It didn’t mean she didn’t then or doesn’t now, love you -but she was probably confused and undecided at that point in time… 
When you separated did you ever have a conversation about dating other people? 

I can understand that you feel as though you have been in the dark about this for 12 years… but - from her perspective… she made a decision that she wants to be with you, and not with those other people, and she probably didn’t want to bring this up and cause drama when your relationship was only just beginning again.
 

I think she was scared to open up because she was scared of losing you… 

I think you should take your time to process your feelings, but please don’t make any snap decisions over this, like initiating another separation. I think you guys can get through this - you just need some time to adjust to what she has told you and to gradually move on from this. 
 

I hope everything works out! ⭐️

[JustMeThatGuy]

2 hours ago, Nellea said:

It was a long time ago. You both agreed to separate at the time. Things were uncertain between you. It didn’t mean she didn’t then or doesn’t now, love you -but she was probably confused and undecided at that point in time… 
When you separated did you ever have a conversation about dating other people? 

I can understand that you feel as though you have been in the dark about this for 12 years… but - from her perspective… she made a decision that she wants to be with you, and not with those other people, and she probably didn’t want to bring this up and cause drama when your relationship was only just beginning again.
 

I think she was scared to open up because she was scared of losing you… 

I think you should take your time to process your feelings, but please don’t make any snap decisions over this, like initiating another separation. I think you guys can get through this - you just need some time to adjust to what she has told you and to gradually move on from this. 
 

I hope everything works out! ⭐️

Thanks for the neutral perspective. 

 

I definitely don't want to make any hasty decisions about us. I want to stay together. 

When we were separated. I had heard through the grapevine that she may be dating. I confronted her about it and got no answers. Once she told me this news. I brought up me asking her about dating at the time. Her response was that I was too hostile to have the conversation so she chose to not say anything at the time. That's what she said but I tend to believe she just could not pull her herself to say it to my face.

 

I hope you're right. Thanks.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, JustMeThatGuy said:

When we were separated. I had heard through the grapevine that she may be dating. I confronted her about it and got no answers. Once she told me this news. I brought up me asking her about dating at the time. Her response was that I was too hostile to have the conversation so she chose to not say anything at the time. That's what she said but I tend to believe she just could not pull her herself to say it to my face.

 

To be fair, you've got a history of verbally abusing her.  And you didn't go and ask her if the two of you might see others, you "confronted" her.   Is it really such a stretch to imagine her feeling like you weren't a safe person to be honest with?   I sure wouldn't have felt safe

[ExpatInItaly]

57 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 Is it really such a stretch to imagine her feeling like you weren't a safe person to be honest with?   I sure wouldn't have felt safe

I echo this - strongly.

 

[MsJayne]

Kudos to you for owning that you've been abusive towards her in the past, plenty of men can't admit to that stuff and it takes a backbone to do so 🏆. Given all the cheating, (yep, carrying on contact with someone else behind you partner's back is a form of cheating because it involves lying or lying by omission), the threesomes business, the banishment because your behaviour caused arguments but you dumped the blame on her, etc, I'm not seeing how her having a brief relationship, (while you were separated with no specified rules), with another guy or fuzz-bumping with your cousin should be a big deal, let alone worth mentioning 10 years later. Sounds like you're both open to sexual experimentation so why did you think she'd become a nun while she pined for you during that break? What led up to her telling you about these musty old non-transgressions, what conversation were you having that her telling you became relevant, or did she out-of-the-blue sit you down and give you the old, "I have a confession to make"? Her reason for hucking this furball up a decade later should dictate how you feel about it. 

[JustMeThatGuy]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

To be fair, you've got a history of verbally abusing her.  And you didn't go and ask her if the two of you might see others, you "confronted" her.   Is it really such a stretch to imagine her feeling like you weren't a safe person to be honest with?   I sure wouldn't have felt safe

Yes, it's absolutely fair to assume my approach was a bit much in the situation. The fact still remains that I showed disagreement with her dating while we were supposed to be working on ourselves. She didn't feel safe to tell me when I confronted her and I get it. What about the hours, days, months after I confronted her? I feel like she should have told me then. Then I wouldn't feel deceived and played with.. Then I wouldn't be writing this post 12 years later. 

I was a shitty person in the beginning of our marriage. That doesn't excuse these actions by her in my opinion. 

Why didn't she just end the marriage because of my earlier issues + if she felt like she wanted to sleep with other people?

[JustMeThatGuy]

4 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Kudos to you for owning that you've been abusive towards her in the past, plenty of men can't admit to that stuff and it takes a backbone to do so 🏆. Given all the cheating, (yep, carrying on contact with someone else behind you partner's back is a form of cheating because it involves lying or lying by omission), the threesomes business, the banishment because your behaviour caused arguments but you dumped the blame on her, etc, I'm not seeing how her having a brief relationship, (while you were separated with no specified rules), with another guy or fuzz-bumping with your cousin should be a big deal, let alone worth mentioning 10 years later. Sounds like you're both open to sexual experimentation so why did you think she'd become a nun while she pined for you during that break? What led up to her telling you about these musty old non-transgressions, what conversation were you having that her telling you became relevant, or did she out-of-the-blue sit you down and give you the old, "I have a confession to make"? Her reason for hucking this furball up a decade later should dictate how you feel about it. 

First of all. I love the way you worded this. It made me laugh. 

 

I guess my feelings about the brief relationship come from me visiting her throughout our separation. When I would visit. We were together. She'd pick me up from the airport and we'd be together the entire time. It felt like we were still "the married couple" whenever I was in town. She even flew out to me for her birthday during the separation. These things made me feel like she was being a "nun" as you put it. So to find out that the guy was around for all of that makes me feel kind of bamboozled. It makes me feel like she thought if I'd known then I wouldn't have asked her to get back together. 

I find it odd that no one in this thread finds it interesting that my wife had sex with my cousin. Is this a common occurrence out on the world??? 

 

You asked how the company came about. She was feeling down for a while but wouldn't tell me why. Finally she said she needs therapy because there's stuff inside her eating her alive. She has to get them off her chest. We set up an appointment with a therapist but this conversation happened before she could get to the first session. One night we were having an introspective conversation about our life experiences. We talked about sexual experiences throughout life. I asked the direct question. "What made you not have sex with anyone during that time." Her response, "what makes you think I didn't?"

And that's when she told me everything. It was a random conversation but these things have been eating at her.

[MsJayne]

5 hours ago, JustMeThatGuy said:

And that's when she told me everything. It was a random conversation but these things have been eating at her.

So your cousin isn’t the only thing that’s been eating at her. Sorry, couldn’t resist. I’m thinking maybe there’s some element of payback involved, keeping some guy secret and enjoying the knowledge that you had no idea might have been her way of evening the score so she could cope. Telling you all this time later might also be part of getting even because now you have an idea how she might have felt when she found out you’d been secretly keeping contact with 5 Year Woman. 

 

5 hours ago, JustMeThatGuy said:

I find it odd that no one in this thread finds it interesting that my wife had sex with my cousin. Is this a common occurrence out on the world??? 

 

Probably not that common, but if she’s sexually adventurous it’s not really too different to being with someone unrelated, plus it’s your cousin, not hers. Now if she told you that she’d shared a hair pie with your mum, that would be interesting. Cousins are low-hanging fruit in the weird world of incest 🤣. 

[mark clemson]

Emphasize for her that it's new info to you, so she can understand your distress about it a bit better.

[basil67]

She's not related to your cousin, so no, I don't find it weird.

WRT her taking so long to tell you, perhaps she finally felt safe enough to do so.  And sleeping with someone half a dozen times while you were separated isn't nearly as bad as your 5 year inappropriate relationship with another women while you were still together.  Considering your own history, I guess she felt that you'd be understanding.  

 

[JustMeThatGuy]

On 6/18/2024 at 3:36 PM, basil67 said:

She's not related to your cousin, so no, I don't find it weird.

WRT her taking so long to tell you, perhaps she finally felt safe enough to do so.  And sleeping with someone half a dozen times while you were separated isn't nearly as bad as your 5 year inappropriate relationship with another women while you were still together.  Considering your own history, I guess she felt that you'd be understanding.  

 

Hmm ok I hear that. 

 

How should I feel about her and the guy still being friends on social media after all this time?

Once I found out who he was. I went back and checked her posts from the past 12 years. He had LIKED posts of my kids and one post of me. 

I feel like she should have blocked him once she decided to get back with me. Am I wrong?

[JustMeThatGuy]

On 6/18/2024 at 12:46 PM, MsJayne said:

So your cousin isn’t the only thing that’s been eating at her. Sorry, couldn’t resist. I’m thinking maybe there’s some element of payback involved, keeping some guy secret and enjoying the knowledge that you had no idea might have been her way of evening the score so she could cope. Telling you all this time later might also be part of getting even because now you have an idea how she might have felt when she found out you’d been secretly keeping contact with 5 Year Woman. 

 

Probably not that common, but if she’s sexually adventurous it’s not really too different to being with someone unrelated, plus it’s your cousin, not hers. Now if she told you that she’d shared a hair pie with your mum, that would be interesting. Cousins are low-hanging fruit in the weird world of incest 🤣. 

How should I feel about her and the guy still being friends on social media??

He has LIKED photos of my kids and one photo of me over the years. I feel like he should have been blocked when we decided to get back together. She says she doesn't block anyone who hasn't done anything offensive to her.

And I found out he actually started following her AFTER we got back together. 

Please give me advice on THIS one 

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, JustMeThatGuy said:

Hmm ok I hear that. 

 

How should I feel about her and the guy still being friends on social media after all this time?

Once I found out who he was. I went back and checked her posts from the past 12 years. He had LIKED posts of my kids and one post of me. 

I feel like she should have blocked him once she decided to get back with me. Am I wrong?

Given your previous behaviour, I think you'd be wise to just suck it up.   

[JustMeThatGuy]

52 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Given your previous behaviour, I think you'd be wise to just suck it up.   

When does my behavior from 2006-2010 become irrelevant?

 

This is 2024. Why should it be ok for the guy to be following her on social media? Hasnt she already got her "get back" by having a relationship with him 12 years ago? Didnt dating him and sex with my cousin make us "even?"

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, JustMeThatGuy said:

When does my behavior from 2006-2010 become irrelevant?

 

This is 2024. Why should it be ok for the guy to be following her on social media? Hasnt she already got her "get back" by having a relationship with him 12 years ago? Didnt dating him and sex with my cousin make us "even?"

What makes you think she had sex with him to "get back" at you?   She was separated without plans for a reunion, so she would have done it because she wanted to.

Have you actually told her that you're uncomfortable with her having him on social media?   If not, I suggest that this is where the conversation needs to start

Edited June 21 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, JustMeThatGuy said:

How should I feel about her and the guy still being friends on social media??

He has LIKED photos of my kids and one photo of me over the years. I feel like he should have been blocked when we decided to get back together. She says she doesn't block anyone who hasn't done anything offensive to her.

And I found out he actually started following her AFTER we got back together. 

Please give me advice on THIS one 

I understand that you’re feeling uncomfortable about this, but personally, I agree with your wife. Unless that guy is actively trying to get back together with her and his behavior interferes with your life together, there is really no reason to block him. 

You could tell your wife you’re feeling uncomfortable about his not being blocked, and ask her to block him. Just ask gently, don’t use questions starting with “Why didn’t you…” or statements starting with “You should’ve…”.

[JustMeThatGuy]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

What makes you think she had sex with him to "get back" at you?   She was separated without plans for a reunion, so she would have done it because she wanted to.

Have you actually told her that you're uncomfortable with her having him on social media?   If not, I suggest that this is where the conversation needs to 

Well she said my behavior early in our marriage is what dictated her actions while we were separated. 

 

Yes. I have told her I'm uncomfortable with him following her and especially uncomfortable with him Liking a photo of me and several photos of our children. 

She didn't seem to mind him doing it. "Its just what people do on social media."

[basil67]

Just now, JustMeThatGuy said:

Well she said my behavior early in our marriage is what dictated her actions while we were separated. 

Yes. I have told her I'm uncomfortable with him following her and especially uncomfortable with him Liking a photo of me and several photos of our children. 

She didn't seem to mind him doing it. "Its just what people do on social media."

Wow, she must have been pissed at you!

How did she respond to you saying that you're uncomfortable?  

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed, how do you think your wife would react to you

saying it,s no big deal because it's just what people do on social media?