Oh, help please!!!

[MantisGirl]

Here's the situation...I met my ex(of 4 whole days!) at my Martial Arts school. Although he's a bit younger than me, we hit it off great, and everything was really good for the first year. Then all of a sudden things changed...he wanted to spend more time with his friends,etc. For the first year, all I heard was how much he loved me, wanted to be with me, and so on...now suddenly I'm WAY down on his priority list, so I ended it, and he also admitted that he guesses he wasn't as ready for a serious relationship as he thought. So here's the problem: He is one of my instructors, and this means I have to see him EVERY DAY. I have been studying this particular style of Martial Arts for some time, and it's not something I'm willing to give up, even though seeing him is killing me! Not to mention I still have hopes that if I give him the time he needs, we can work things out. I KNOW he still loves me, or so he says, but this is just hell on me, seeing him all the time...Any advice on how to handle myself would be greatly appreciated! I don't know if I should just ignore him, be civil, or what? Thanks in advance!

[Michelle]

well, it sounds like you had a pretty civil break up, so i would say that you should act civil around him. don't talk to him too much because then you'll start to like him more and more and start gaining false hope, which is no good. just speak to him when you need to and try to be civil. i know this will be really hard, and trust me i can relate to your situation, but try to not think about him too much. instead try to focus all your attention on the martial arts. i wish you the best of luck. :-)

[Tony T]

First you break up with him because you weren't seeing him enough, now you're upset because you're seeing him all the time.

 

I guess in life you just can't win.

 

Don't hold out any hopes. This deal is over. Learn your martial arts and be on your way. I'm sure he's a lot better instructor than he was a boyfriend. He's not likely to change. He needs a girlfriend who doesn't require a whole lot of attention.

 

Most all men are very attentive in the beginning. You ought to know that.

[Miss Mojo]

hi mantisgirl,

 

if you think seeing him every day might be a bit too much to bear, is it possible you could do martial arts at another centre? if you think you can handle it, then continue to do martial arts at the centre you are currently at.

 

if he wants to get back with you, or if he may ever even consider this, the chances of this happening would be greater if he *doesn't* see you all the time.

 

try not to hope too much though....this can kill you if things don't work out as you hoped. just take each day as it comes, act civil, talk to him as much as you'd talk to anyone else (without getting soppy and emotional) and only time can tell what will happen.

 

best wishes

[Marzipan]

Hi MantisGirl,

 

I think you are handling things extremely well under the circumstances in which the relationship ended. The thing is, you need to remember that the relationship is OVER. You admit you weren't getting the attention you needed from him and he admits that he just wasn't mature enough to handle it yet. You did the right thing by ending it so why are you allowing yourself to be drawn back into the same circle again? I know it's very difficult because you still have feelings for eachother but neither of you is going to be able to move forward if you dont keep your distance. Try to remind yourself why you ended the relationship and how unhealthy it was for you. I think that if this martial arts class is that important to you that you should remain in th class regardless of whether or not he is one of your instructors. I think that will be tough for you but if you are willing to do it for the sake of taking the class then I think you will be able to get through.

 

I think that you should definitely be civil but not overly friendly and do not make an effort to talk to this guy. Keep your distance. Go to the class and have as minimal contact with this guy as you possibly can. Go to your class and interact with others around you and your other instructors but keep your contact with him at a minimum. Don't linger after your class if you know he will be around because this will only leave you open to the idea of talking to him. I know that's going to be very hard. You need to decide how important this class is to you and if you are willing to take the risk of having to see him and feel the emotions stir inside.

 

Personally I think you are incredibly brave to do this. If the course means that much to you, don't give it up. Now is the time to do things for you and I think staying in the course for your own sake is one of them. Focus on yourself and try not to look back because all it will do is bring you right back into that area of pain.

 

And don't worry about the way you are feeling, it is entirely normal. Think about how many people who work together that become involved and later end their relationships, they have to somehow rise above all that and still manage to go to work and see that person anyway. My point is, you can do it, if you choose to but set up some rules so that you don't let him back in again. I think you are still very hurt and vulnerable over the way things ended and what you don't need right now is to let him back into your life.

 

He may want to come back to you but like you said, right now you need to give him space and you need your space as well. You haven't mentioned whether or not he has tried to talk to you during all this, hopefully he understands that it is not a good idea to try to be friends right now. I know it hurts but if you don't begin to let go then you'll never be able to get over it and you need to. Whether you think you and he will get back together or not, you know that you need time apart now so do both of you a favor and get some space.

 

Stay in the class,Keep your contact with him at a minimum, be civil to the guy, you don't have to be cruel and I think you will be okay.

 

You sound very strong and sensible so good luck and I hope this has helped.

 

Marz

 

Here's the situation...I met my ex(of 4 whole days!) at my Martial Arts school. Although he's a bit younger than me, we hit it off great, and everything was really good for the first year. Then all of a sudden things changed...he wanted to spend more time with his friends,etc. For the first year, all I heard was how much he loved me, wanted to be with me, and so on...now suddenly I'm WAY down on his priority list, so I ended it, and he also admitted that he guesses he wasn't as ready for a serious relationship as he thought. So here's the problem: He is one of my instructors, and this means I have to see him EVERY DAY. I have been studying this particular style of Martial Arts for some time, and it's not something I'm willing to give up, even though seeing him is killing me! Not to mention I still have hopes that if I give him the time he needs, we can work things out. I KNOW he still loves me, or so he says, but this is just hell on me, seeing him all the time...Any advice on how to handle myself would be greatly appreciated! I don't know if I should just ignore him, be civil, or what? Thanks in advance!

[MantisGirl]

Thank you all so much for you advice! I'll find out how it works today! And Tony, just for the record, seeing him every day at Kung Fu is different from spending quality time with someone. We would both be there together for hours, but we were both training, not hanging out or anything. And unfortunately the closest school that teaches the same style I'm studying now is almost 2 hours away, or believe me, I'd be going there! Again, thank you all SO much for your encouraging words, and I guess whatever is meant to be will happen!